Can Anybody Help Me.... Domestic Abuse

[Highway Cowboy]

heres an organisation in the UK and email info@men'sadviceline.org.uk there is a phone number but it's only Monday to Friday not much use of your battered Saturday or Sunday
here is the number it's Freephone (0808) 801 0327

Thank you so much! I will try and give them a ring tomorrow

 

[Streetwise]

they have a document you can download but as I have panic disorder I can't really tell you how relevant it is to you !!!!one interesting thing they said give a spare set of your car keys to a neighbour!

 

[Highway Cowboy]

they have a document you can download but as I have panic disorder I can't really tell you how relevant it is to you !!!!one interesting thing they said give a spare set of your car keys to a neighbour!

Good point, I never thought of that although I have issues trusting people so I don't know if I could part with my spare key

 

[Mary Terry]

I would never let anything ever happen to my daughter. But it does worry me about her overhearing what her mother is saying when she is "on one"

If your wife is saying harmful things in the presence of your daughter, then those statements alone may constitute child abuse and spousal abuse to you. She is out of control due to something - mental illness, addiction, or something else that is not normal or right. She obviously needs professional help for her problems, and you and your child need to protect yourselves from her abuse.

Does your cell phone have a recording feature? Start recording everything. Start documenting everything. Protect your child and document your protection of her. Being autistic is not a reason for a court to deny custody. It all depends on who is the better parent and what is in the best interest of the child. There is good advice here from others. Please take documented action to protect yourself and your child from her rages and abnormal behavior. Hire an attorney to guide you. Notify the police when events rise to the level of violence and to hell with her about the consequences to her. Your first priority is to protect your child.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

If your wife is saying harmful things in the presence of your daughter, then those statements alone may constitute child abuse and spousal abuse to you. She is out of control due to something - mental illness, addiction, or something else that is not normal or right. She obviously needs professional help for her problems, and you and your child need to protect yourselves from her abuse.

Does your cell phone have a recording feature? Start recording everything. Start documenting everything. Protect your child and document your protection of her. Being autistic is not a reason for a court to deny custody. It all depends on who is the better parent and what is in the best interest of the child. There is good advice here from others. Please take documented action to protect yourself and your child from her rages and abnormal behavior. Hire an attorney to guide you. Notify the police when events rise to the level of violence and to hell with her about the consequences to her. Your first priority is to protect your child.

Excellent advice thank you very much.

 

[tlc]

Thank you, she is aware of my diagnosis, she helped me throughout (between mood swings) but now she uses it against me and twists things. She says there's nothing I can do because she is a great liar, everyone would believe her and no court would give me custody of my daughter because of my Autism and my job with unsocial hours.

You sound like me and she sounds like my kid's mom right to the mold. I don't drink or smoke or never been arrested, have had a steady job for 20 years. As you say, one can be hopeful, but also must be realistic about what to expect from the legal system. Here, full custody for a dad would be like finding a unicorn. But unless there's something else, you should be able to get joint. Joint I think of as a plea bargain, it's the best you're going to get, but trying for more is like double or nothing. With joint physical/legal I can make decisions about her schooling and things, and am entitled to see her half the time.

I didn't catch if you said you were married or not. Here's how it went for me, maybe it might apply to you. We were married. She was violent that way and I'd had enough. She ran off the with the kids (only 1 was mine). I was taking a chance, but I wanted to let things simmer and prove myself as a single dad first. So I did, kept telling her I was working on it which I was, then I filed for divorce. By then she just wanted it done, and joint physical/legal custody was fine. Of course I was taking a chance that she wouldn't file first, but she was the type where if it involved money or effort on her part, she'd rather have someone else do it. And it wasn't cheap. If you think yours is going to file first, you might be best to file sooner than later. I still had lots of other times being hauled into court, her trying to start support orders in multiple counties which is illegal to begin with, cost me a lot to fight that off too.

I just keep it civil, don't talk to her whatsoever unless I have to. We have both moved on. And my daughter has a much happier life at 2 homes, than she would have had at 1 home where her mom and I would have been miserable every day. My mom and dad stayed together "for the kids". I'd never do that to my kid. It made for a lot of very unhappy years. I even asked them to divorce.

She moved almost 200 miles away. And the traveling to see my daughter and bring her here and back has been hell. But as a plus her mom never comes knocking on my door and that's worth something. I've been doing this since she was 2, she just turned 17. One more year, it's been very hard life. Be thankful that yours is much older.

I know how it is, I've been there. Best of luck to whatever you do. You'll be in my thoughts.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

You sound like me and she sounds like my kid's mom right to the mold. I don't drink or smoke or never been arrested, have had a steady job for 20 years. As you say, one can be hopeful, but also must be realistic about what to expect from the legal system. Here, full custody for a dad would be like finding a unicorn. But unless there's something else, you should be able to get joint. Joint I think of as a plea bargain, it's the best you're going to get, but trying for more is like double or nothing. With joint physical/legal I can make decisions about her schooling and things, and am entitled to see her half the time.

I didn't catch if you said you were married or not. Here's how it went for me, maybe it might apply to you. We were married. She was violent that way and I'd had enough. She ran off the with the kids (only 1 was mine). I was taking a chance, but I wanted to let things simmer and prove myself as a single dad first. So I did, kept telling her I was working on it which I was, then I filed for divorce. By then she just wanted it done, and joint physical/legal custody was fine. Of course I was taking a chance that she wouldn't file first, but she was the type where if it involved money or effort on her part, she'd rather have someone else do it. And it wasn't cheap. If you think yours is going to file first, you might be best to file sooner than later. I still had lots of other times being hauled into court, her trying to start support orders in multiple counties which is illegal to begin with, cost me a lot to fight that off too.

I just keep it civil, don't talk to her whatsoever unless I have to. We have both moved on. And my daughter has a much happier life at 2 homes, than she would have had at 1 home where her mom and I would have been miserable every day. My mom and dad stayed together "for the kids". I'd never do that to my kid. It made for a lot of very unhappy years. I even asked them to divorce.

She moved almost 200 miles away. And the traveling to see my daughter and bring her here and back has been hell. But as a plus her mom never comes knocking on my door and that's worth something. I've been doing this since she was 2, she just turned 17. One more year, it's been very hard life. Be thankful that yours is much older.

I know how it is, I've been there. Best of luck to whatever you do. You'll be in my thoughts.

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate your help and sharing your experience with me

 

[Juliettaa]

She is a very convincing liar. If you met her in the supermarket you would think she is the most lovely polite person you have ever met. She says that nobody will ever take my word over hers and that if we ever went to court she'd win because no court would give me custody of my daughter because of my Autism and job with antisocial hours. So it seems I'm stuck.

Most abusers are convincing liars; outwardly charming to everyone, including at times, to the abused person also. That's partly what keeps us in abusive relationships; the self doubt, the 'what ifs', the crushed self esteem, the control, the emotional dependency.

Domestic abuse is corrosive. It will rot your life and it will also negatively impact your daughter's life too.

The UK statistics for male DV are hugely under recorded, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening and that it's not real. It is happening and you can do something about it. You are NOT stuck. The propaganda L is feeding you is working to her advantage.

Please, please, please contact the police. If you're in the UK, police stations have designated DV officers who are experienced in seeing through female (and male) abusers.

You may also wish to contact this organisation for advice:
(no title)

I think this link has already been posted, but here it is again: Heterosexual Male Victims of Domestic Violence – Men's Advice Line

Please take steps to remove yourself from this relationship to ensure your safety and the safety of your daughter. The longer you remain, the higher the risk.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Most abusers are convincing liars; outwardly charming to everyone, including at times, to the abused person also. That's partly what keeps us in abusive relationships; the self doubt, the 'what ifs', the crushed self esteem, the control, the emotional dependency.

Domestic abuse is corrosive. It will rot your life and it will also negatively impact your daughter's life too.

The UK statistics for male DV are hugely under recorded, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening and that it's not real. It is happening and you can do something about it. You are NOT stuck. The propaganda L is feeding you is working to her advantage.

Please, please, please contact the police. If you're in the UK, police stations have designated DV officers who are experienced in seeing through female (and male) abusers.

You may also wish to contact this organisation for advice:
(no title)

I think this link has already been posted, but here it is again: Heterosexual Male Victims of Domestic Violence – Men's Advice Line

Please take steps to remove yourself from this relationship to ensure your safety and the safety of your daughter. The longer you remain, the higher the risk.

Most abusers are convincing liars; outwardly charming to everyone, including at times, to the abused person also. That's partly what keeps us in abusive relationships; the self doubt, the 'what ifs', the crushed self esteem, the control, the emotional dependency.

Domestic abuse is corrosive. It will rot your life and it will also negatively impact your daughter's life too.

The UK statistics for male DV are hugely under recorded, but that doesn't mean that it's not happening and that it's not real. It is happening and you can do something about it. You are NOT stuck. The propaganda L is feeding you is working to her advantage.

Please, please, please contact the police. If you're in the UK, police stations have designated DV officers who are experienced in seeing through female (and male) abusers.

You may also wish to contact this organisation for advice:
(no title)

I think this link has already been posted, but here it is again: Heterosexual Male Victims of Domestic Violence – Men's Advice Line

Please take steps to remove yourself from this relationship to ensure your safety and the safety of your daughter. The longer you remain, the higher the risk.

Thank you Julietta, I am very grateful to you for your support, it means alot. It is so true what you say, when you are stuck in the situation though you can't see it because it's like a constant thick fog if that makes sense. The more I think about it logically and the more I read the fantastic supportive responses I've been getting on here the more it makes sense to put a stop to her abusive manipulative and damaging behaviour. It's not a life it's just an existence and after 11 years of hell I think I deserve to have the fog lifted

 

[Mary Anne]

I do nothing to deserve it. I'm not saying I'm a Saint, but I work hard as a truck driver, I don't drink or take drugs, I don't get in trouble with the police, I pay all the bills on time and am a good loving husband and father and I am a decent person.
When you're constantly being told every day for 11 years that you're a worthless piece of crap and how she'd be happy when I'm dead then you kind of start to believe it don't you

What your are feeling is very normal for victims of long term abuse. There is a disbelief that “it’s not as bad as it sounds,” or that “I should be able to handle this better,” or “Marriage means putting up with it.” You seem not even believe that you can truly get help help, when you can. I was shocked to read that you have endured for 11 years! Yet, still hesitating to go the advised route for domestic violence help has and will continue to put both of you at great risk. You deserve a better life free of pain, chaos, and abuse. You have started awakening now that you finally shared your secret. You are seeing, the truth of the nightmare you have been living for 11 years. It’s progress.

 

[Theta.G]

Sounds like your the bread winner... so... Kick her out! Change the locks. Give her divorce papers. Move on. Maybe have a trusted friend come stay with you for a week and fill him in on what you're doing. Tell him you want to kick her out and if she goes bat **** crazy that you may need him to back you up to remove her from the home. Also, so she won't be inclined to do anything drastic. It would make it easier getting her out of there too if you bring it up while your friend is there.

You could buy her a vacation to get her out of the house for a few days or a week. Grab all of your things and vanish by the time she comes back. Talk to your landlord, let him know your moving out. If her name isn't on the lease she'll be seen a squatter and removed from the area later. Leave divorce papers on the counter for when she returns.

Alternatively if she travels for family vacation functions let her go , you stay home and get your things together.

After you act on a plan and your safe could call the cops and ask for a restraining order to keep her away. (I hear garlic and a cross can work well too) If she violates this the repercussions should actually matter in court or during the divorce. Should... depending on where you live the system tends to treat female law breakers lighter than they do males. Especially in your case, domestic abuse.

Document her bank statements. Your bruises. anything you can take into evidence.

Hope this gives you some ideas. Secondly i'm sorry to hear you have had to put up with that kind of vile person for so long. Hope you can successfully remove her from your life and turn the page

 

[SusanLR]

Most abusers are convincing liars; outwardly charming to everyone, including at times, to the abused person also. That's partly what keeps us in abusive relationships; the self doubt, the 'what ifs', the crushed self esteem, the control, the emotional dependency.

I've been through some of this too the past five years.
What Juliettaa says is the exact reasons I've just put up with it and been surviving. Not living.
I have never thought myself to blame.
I know the guy is abusive to everyone he can be and somehow gets away with it. How he can be verbally
abusive to cashiers, waitresses and other people just
trying to make a living and gets away with it, I don't know.
I keep thinking why don't they report him to a manager or even security as being threatened?
Yes, he can be charming to others when he wants and is back and forth with me. Charming and tells me he really cares then turns on me yelling about something that doesn' t make sense trying to make me feel like an idiot.
To just leave would be very hard for me due to health, never lived on my own and not enough money to live on my own or even the dreaded assisted living.

Was she always like this? I wondered as I read your post. Has she just gotten worse over time or just recently?
I took the route you speak of doing.
I have made sure doctors I go to and my psychologist knows what's going on and they have given me places to contact if it gets out of control. So far it is always verbal and emotional abuse, but, I know it could go physical if I showed any signs of retaliation or if he knew I've been
getting backing from doctors in case I need help.
That's what I mean by keeping that part secret until you have everything ready and know that once you make the move it is over. That is the part you must be emotionally and mentally ready to accept.
I have no one to protect but myself and I've learned how to react when he goes off on me.
I'm still working on decisions while building a defense.
His health is declining so that is buying time.

I know there are a lot of things for you to digest on this,
but don't let this get to the point of too late.
Your's have gone into the physical zone, mine haven't yet. Be prepared for police intervention if needed. And yes the abuse hotlines are there for men as well as women.
Be safe.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Take out a 2nd mortgage on the house.

Your name or both?

 

[Tom]

Your in a very tough position surely. It will require tough decision making. No one but you can make it. My only suggestion is that you do not delay.

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Sounds like your the bread winner... so... Kick her out! Change the locks. Give her divorce papers. Move on. Maybe have a trusted friend come stay with you for a week and fill him in on what you're doing. Tell him you want to kick her out and if she goes bat **** crazy that you may need him to back you up to remove her from the home. Also, so she won't be inclined to do anything drastic. It would make it easier getting her out of there too if you bring it up while your friend is there.

You could buy her a vacation to get her out of the house for a few days or a week. Grab all of your things and vanish by the time she comes back. Talk to your landlord, let him know your moving out. If her name isn't on the lease she'll be seen a squatter and removed from the area later. Leave divorce papers on the counter for when she returns.

Alternatively if she travels for family vacation functions let her go , you stay home and get your things together.

After you act on a plan and your safe could call the cops and ask for a restraining order to keep her away. (I hear garlic and a cross can work well too) If she violates this the repercussions should actually matter in court or during the divorce. Should... depending on where you live the system tends to treat female law breakers lighter than they do males. Especially in your case, domestic abuse.

Document her bank statements. Your bruises. anything you can take into evidence.

Hope this gives you some ideas. Secondly i'm sorry to hear you have had to put up with that kind of vile person for so long. Hope you can successfully remove her from your life and turn the page

House is in joint name so can't kick her out

 

[Mary Anne]

House is in joint name so can't kick her out

You cannot “legally change the locks, kick your wife out of the house, or physically remove her possessions.” Even if House is 100% in your name. That’s why marriage is so legally binding and a real complexity.

If you did any actions like this, she can get YOU arrested, and use your behavior for grounds for disvorce and taking most of your property. This happens in the courts more then you can imagine.

You need to seek out legal council- which hopefully, a good domestic violence network can refer you to. If not, then you need to build your own network of emotional, legal, and medical support systems to get you through this. An experienced divorce lawyer can be worth the initial consultation fees.

Abused women will try to leave their abusive husbands, and when they take the children with them- it’s not uncommon for the husband to have the wife charged with kidnapping. She is arrested, and loses custody of her own children. People often act out of emotion when victims. Please be smart and seek out the correct channels to help you get through all this. It’s important to know when advice is helpful and when it’s not.

 

[Juliettaa]

Mary Anne is correct; you can't just kick her out nor can you change the locks as previously suggested.

What you can do is contact the police asap (you don't have to wait to be physically assaulted again before taking this step) and speak to the DV officer.

There is a way out of this hellish situation, but the first step has to be made by you. It is VERY hard to face up to the fact that you cannot remain in this relationship if you want to preserve any shred of self worth. You are not a punch bag, physical or emotional, and you deserve better.

 

[Bella Pines]

There's some really smart advice here, I'd agree with the long paper trail. Start to document and keep the documentation somewhere safe and AWAY from home.

I doubt a GP alone will be of much use, but GP visits, hospital visits, photos, witness statements, I don't know, but maybe that would be enough to get custody of your daughter. And if you've lasted 11 years, you can make it a little longer whilst you work through this.

Yes, there will come a point of no return where there is no going back, but do you want to go back? And your aspergers may help you here, use logic, no one who works to support their family can be a worthless piece of crap. That doesn't even make sense. There must be a part of you that knows that what she is saying is not true. Now swallow your pride, man up and start collecting that evidence.

 

[Tom]

Divorce is often/usually preceeded by separation, and can be done any time you choose. And if and when you move go somewhere she cannot find or even reach you. Your a trucker, surely you can come up with something. Go to some remote island even. Let contact only be via lawyer.

Other then advice no one can materially help you. Time to help yourself.

 

[Mary Anne]

One of THE MOST biggest reasons to get children away from spousel abuse environments is that statistically, children from these homes are greatly traumatized and sometimes for LIFE. Even if children are not abused themselves, but witness it happening to one parent, they can grow up to: A. Become victims of abuse themselves. They unknowingly pick up that abuse is normal. They fall in love with abusers and the cycle starts all over again. B. The children grow up to be abusers themselves! There is tons of scientific documented literature on this, and it’s been studied for at least 60 years now.

We never think how children absorb their surroundings like sponges. Once’s absorbed, it’s hard to ever remove.