Can Anybody Help Me.... Domestic Abuse

[pjcnet]

I've said before a lot more should be done to make people realise including the police that men can be victims of domestic abuse as well as women, at the moment virtually the entire support network and even charities revolve around helping only women. I used to be a victim of brutal abuse and when neighbours complained about the noise when I got attacked, I got an official warning letter from the police warning me I was on their official records as a suspected domestic abuser even without any investigation what-so-ever, warning me that they take it very seriously and the potential consequences to myself, remember I WAS THE VICTIM and this was how the police treated me! Entirely because I was a man it was automatically assumed I was the person attacking, not the victim, how do you think that made me feel? Any slightest chance I did have of coming forward for help was then totally removed because it was then made completely obvious to me how the police would have treated me, I would have almost certainly been arrested if she as much as squeaked that I hit her first in a lie to defend herself and it was already on computer that I was a domestic abuser even though I was entirely the victim, the only time I touched her during the violent incidents was to attempt to hold her off me. I'm sorry, but the police in the UK at least are awful to say the very least and they also need to be much better educated when it comes to autistic people because many have zero compassion or understanding.

This was around 15 years ago in the UK and I can only hope things are improving, although if you look for help you still only see help for women and if you tried to approach any charities you'd probably be told to leave in case you frightened any of the women, it's incredibly sexist. I would say reach out to someone you really trust in real life if possible to support you and as advised try to get evidence. If no-one can help and there's no domestic abuse support for men, perhaps look for other charity support, E.g. general support for autistic people, you need someone on your side in real life. I'm sorry, but I don't advise going directly to the police on your own because they cannot be trusted, well not in the UK at least and I don't know what they're like in other countries, you need someone as an advocate to ensure you are treated fairly, someone I didn't have when I was a victim.

 

[Mary Anne]

Hello friends, I really really need help and advice. I am a 46 year old Aspies man and am a Trucker. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed to be reaching out to you for help as you all have your own issues to deal with but I don't know which way to turn.

Here we go.

I've been with my missus for just over 11 years now and we have a beautiful 9 year old daughter, our daughter is also autistic /aspergers and has a condition called septo optic dysplasia spectrum. For as long as I can remember my wife (we'll call her L for the benefit of the conversation) has always been very moody, a little unbalanced, up and down and very verbally aggressive.

Years ago she physically attacked me leaving me with bruising to my arms. I must point out that I have never ever retaliated. I used to just put it down to post natal depression or something like that but she's been to the doctor and they've just put her on fluoxetine.

Over the last couple of years she is getting steadily worse, a constant tirade of emotional abuse. She is always trying to cause trouble between me and my family, I have a daughter aged 25 from a previous marriage which L resents and is forever telling me how much she hates her, doesn't ever want her at the house, L is constantly telling me how my family are nothing to do with her and trying to pick faults, she always puts me down, tells me she wishes I would die slowly and painfully from cancer as I had a recent scare after peeing blood, turned out to be a kidney infection. Came home from work recently and she had cut up all my work uniforms to shreds for absolutely no reason.

I am at my wits end, she is pure evil and there's loads of other stuff she's done to try and upset me and cause me problems. I always just brush it all off and forgive her asif nothing happened, and then a week later she's just the same, or worse.
This is affecting me at work now as I am constantly on egg shells wondering what I'm going to go home to. Work can be challenging enough being a recently diagnosed Aspies Trucker. I'm absolutely at my wits end and have had enough.
I work hard, L doesn't work as she's cocked up every job she's had with her attitude and poor attendance, not turning up etc.

I pay the mortgage, all the bills, shopping etc and I give her about £100 a week for herself cos I don't like to think of her having no money. I'm only a HGV Driver, the wages are good but I'm far from being a millionaire.

So what can I do? I rang the Samaritans once but all they do is listen, they can't give advice. I need help and support. I have nowhere else I can go to stay, and I could never ever leave my daughter

I've Googled sites such as Mankind for male victims of domestic violence and they seem to advise I need to involve the police to help me but as a bloke I just can't bring myself to do this. I would be a laughing stock among friends and family and L would probably twist it all and make it out to be my fault. Perhaps it is??? Maybe I'm doing something wrong to bring it all on.

I've had enough, life is hard enough and I think I'm worth more than that.

Any help gladly welcomed

You mention needing real “advice.” You need a LAWYER, a history of documentation (start cataloging even those past times, in a journal along with whatever photographs, medical appointments, etc. you do now and in future. You have been given advice, and now need to ACT. If there are police reports (you should have started when she destroyed your work clothes, and even way before then that, as there are children in your home- that always gives the police more reason to take complaints seriously) then they are added to your documentation packet, along with printing out this complete thread, and any phone calls to domestic hotline. You might take extra protections to keep your phone and computer safe from her. You certainly can choose to stop giving her an “allowance”, though this might abuse her to become enraged and retaliate!

You might want to buy a combination fire proof safe to store your important documents, and electronic devices in at all times. Of course, you need to plan for eventually leaving her! You might need to contact your governmental children’s agency (protective services) because they need to know of the abuse going on in the home, and this would be excellant documentation for you to build in your own case). Document the phone calls (in detail) as a history of YOUR calls about an unsafe abusive home can protect YOU should anything against you come up later on. It’s very common for the abuser to switch the story around and try to say the abuse is coming from the man, and that he is also abusing the children.

You have a full load to act on now:
-Protecting yourself from legal accusations of abuse to her and children.
-Finding support that YOU are being physically and mentally abused - (Finding a support group for battered men would be ideal.)
-Finding LAWYER to navigate getting out of the situation and keeping your financial holdings while divorcing her.
- Finding the means to find a safe place to live, and still work, while going through all of this. It can be costly, so you need to still create income despite the emotional chaos!
-Prepare for an ugly battle, because abusers usually never give up easily.
-You should consider individual therapy from a mental health specialist who deals with family conflicts, and abuse issues.
- You need to consider if you will fight for custody of your child when you leave your wife, (or leave the child with her mother.)
- You need to consider, once you leave the home, whether you will need a legal order of protection. Many abusers continue to stalk and destroy the lives of their victims.

You have taken the first steps to an over whelming situation. These steps listed are protocol for leaving an abusive situation safely, and rationally. If the situation gets worse, the stakes get even greater. Start putting money aside. Lessen your day to day expenses. The money will help you to do all of the necessary actions I have listed above.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

Hello friends, I really really need help and advice. I am a 46 year old Aspies man and am a Trucker. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed to be reaching out to you for help as you all have your own issues to deal with but I don't know which way to turn.

Here we go.

I've been with my missus for just over 11 years now and we have a beautiful 9 year old daughter, our daughter is also autistic /aspergers and has a condition called septo optic dysplasia spectrum. For as long as I can remember my wife (we'll call her L for the benefit of the conversation) has always been very moody, a little unbalanced, up and down and very verbally aggressive.

Years ago she physically attacked me leaving me with bruising to my arms. I must point out that I have never ever retaliated. I used to just put it down to post natal depression or something like that but she's been to the doctor and they've just put her on fluoxetine.

Over the last couple of years she is getting steadily worse, a constant tirade of emotional abuse. She is always trying to cause trouble between me and my family, I have a daughter aged 25 from a previous marriage which L resents and is forever telling me how much she hates her, doesn't ever want her at the house, L is constantly telling me how my family are nothing to do with her and trying to pick faults, she always puts me down, tells me she wishes I would die slowly and painfully from cancer as I had a recent scare after peeing blood, turned out to be a kidney infection. Came home from work recently and she had cut up all my work uniforms to shreds for absolutely no reason.

I am at my wits end, she is pure evil and there's loads of other stuff she's done to try and upset me and cause me problems. I always just brush it all off and forgive her asif nothing happened, and then a week later she's just the same, or worse.
This is affecting me at work now as I am constantly on egg shells wondering what I'm going to go home to. Work can be challenging enough being a recently diagnosed Aspies Trucker. I'm absolutely at my wits end and have had enough.
I work hard, L doesn't work as she's cocked up every job she's had with her attitude and poor attendance, not turning up etc.

I pay the mortgage, all the bills, shopping etc and I give her about £100 a week for herself cos I don't like to think of her having no money. I'm only a HGV Driver, the wages are good but I'm far from being a millionaire.

So what can I do? I rang the Samaritans once but all they do is listen, they can't give advice. I need help and support. I have nowhere else I can go to stay, and I could never ever leave my daughter

I've Googled sites such as Mankind for male victims of domestic violence and they seem to advise I need to involve the police to help me but as a bloke I just can't bring myself to do this. I would be a laughing stock among friends and family and L would probably twist it all and make it out to be my fault. Perhaps it is??? Maybe I'm doing something wrong to bring it all on.

I've had enough, life is hard enough and I think I'm worth more than that.

Any help gladly welcomed

Involving the police is sound advice. I agree with that. This is going to lead to eascalation and harm to you and maybe your child. You need the police reports so when you file divorce you don't have to pay alimony, and to get a better chance at any custody.

 

[HelzBelz]

Gosh, my heart goes out to you. This sounds frighteningly similar to the woman my father married after my mum and him split. She was very abusive and manipulative and was good at 'playing the victim' if confronted of anything.
I'm so so glad you have reached out on here. This is a good start, and a chance for you to verbalise your reality. Maybe just reading what you wrote made you realise how bad things have got.
I'm curious where you're at now, as I see this thread is from mid-April. What's happening? Where are things at?
There is still such silly stigma around men being abused, and it's more common than people think as it's not talked about. No matter what you have said or done, nothing justifies her behaviour. This is just not okay.
As for any children (even adult kids) please keep in mind that they are learning from this. They see that this is the way relationships work, that you are not worthy of respect, that this is the way grown women behave, this is how men need to be treated. Girls watching this will find someone they can bully and boys seeing this will think that is the sort of relationship to look for. If nothing else, get out for the sake of the kids. This is not a relationship you want them to mimic.
Even if you aren't feeling brave enough to go to the police, PLEASE move out and put some space between you. This relationship is not healthy, and BOTH of you need to make some big changes to be functioning adults. And if your daughter sees you slowly heal and become a calm, happy man, she will look for that when she's ready to find someone.
Maybe start with a flatting or boarding situation while you get back on your feet. Whatever it takes to get some space and make some plans. I can imagine you are feeling pretty fragile and overwhelmed by the thought of splitting, but I can assure you, you will not regret it. One small step at a time, and you can climb mountains.

 

[Mary Anne]

Hey, Highway Cowboy...how are things these days? Any positive news on your situation?

 

[Highway Cowboy]

Hey, Highway Cowboy...how are things these days? Any positive news on your situation?

No change really

 

[Mary Anne]

Did you act upon any of the many suggestions we all gave you? If not, why not? This saddens and frustrates me to hear you putting up with the abuse.

 

[Suzanne]

As everyone is saying, you MUST AT ALL COSTS document her wicked behaviour.

When I met my now husband, he had just come out of another relationship and the woman was spitting fire at me and involved her two daughters. I hasten to add, I was not at fault.

Me being niave and wanting to be friends with others, tried so hard to explain, but in fact, it was to my discredit and was used against me.

Once, I was invited over to talk about it and thought: at last, I can say my side, so off I went and immediately on entering, was physically attacked by all three women.

I was called horrendeous names, when ever I went out and a lot of pointing.

Once, I was on the way back from shopping and encounted her two girls. I admit, I was scared and tried to smile, but they took the opportunity to punch me and pushed me to the ground. In my panic, I pushed one away from me and she happened to get scratched on a nearby low wall.

The next thing I got, was a phone call from the police to say that they had REPORTED ME for physical violence and I was told to go to the police station and be questioned. I was so shocked and distressed about this, but on explaining it, he said: I am sorry but the girl had evidence and you do not have evidence, so I advice you to either lay low and keep us informed of any horrors.

It was all because of my husband's unfortunate timing. I had no idea when he declared himself to me, that he had only JUST ended the relationship with this woman and so, naturally from her point of view, she felt I was guilty.

And why you must get physical evidence, so that the police and mental health team has that as proof.

In this generation, it is VERY easy to get evidence.

My sister suspected that one of her daughter's was seeing a man, that she had no business seeing and so, her other daughter who has Snapchat, was able to follow her sister's movements, without her knowing and thus, saw her with this man.

You can put small video cameras around your home. Many people who have loved ones in care, who suspect underhanded behaviour towards the loved ones, have used secret cameras and caught the carers in action.

Personally, I would remove your daughter as soon as possible. Do you have extended family members, where you can whisk her off to?

Unfortunately, in order to gain evidence, you have no choice but to put yourself in the position of violence.

You have double whammy really. Not only being a man, but a british one at that and well, british men are generally not that keen to be seen as a weak person; but actually it makes you incredably strong to not be an enabler.