Can feelings change?

[Sid Delicious]

It's the same across the western world. At every single family gathering I am asked when I will get married, when I will have kids, when I will get a 'proper' house, etc.

Whereas I tend to view relationships more like a business partnership. I have certain goals in life and I want to be with someone who will help me achieve those goals and vice versa. I also want someone who has a similar mindset that I don't need to try to explain everything to, similar level of intellect, warped sense of humour, wants the same active/healthy lifestyle and has a high sex drive. I also have to be physically attracted to them. If any of those requirements are not met, then I start to get irritated spending too much time with them and I know that I would end up miserable if I stayed with them for too long. Every potential date I meet will have their own set of requirements that may or may not mesh with my own. It is a numbers game unfortunately.

To make things harder, many people 'panic settle' and waste a lot of time with incompatible partners and therefore take themselves out of the market for years at a time (which lowers the chance of them meeting someone compatible). Then you throw things like autism into the mix and the idea of finding one human to spend your entire life with seems close to impossible! Yet in the west we are conditioned to find someone as soon as we can, get married and spend the rest of our lives doing our best to ignore any problems that happen as a result.

Your comment about 'princess mentality' is also spot on. I see this a lot. Women are taught to expect men to drop everything and cater to any needs they have without really considering what men need in return. I know so many women who date around, then latch onto a guy they think can provide a nice lifestyle for them, then a year or so after dating/marriage they start to put on weight, refuse sex and flirt with other men for attention (while getting their material needs met at home). But men are just as conditioned as women and will go along with this behaviour for years or even decades, since their 'princess' can't possibly be in the wrong! If women stop getting their material needs met, they will cheat and/or walk. But men will stay put in a sexless marriage indefinitely due to this conditioning (or 'white knighting' as you put it) and wonder why they get depression as they age!

When I've travelled/lived abroad there wasn't this weird inbalance. If the girlfriend or wives stopped having sex, then both the husband and wife would expect the husband to leave or take a mistress. Some wives were perfectly fine with this arrangement, as long as the husband remained a good father and continued to provide a nice lifestyle for the wife. I have several colleagues and friends that grew up in a non-western culture and there is a very clear expectation of what the women AND man has a right to in a marriage. In the west this is completely warped in favour of the woman.

Edit: Sorry, this has completely gone off on a tangent!

 

[Benjamin Dover]

No doubt, it's a highly complex issue. For whatever "tangent" is touched upon, there are probably hundreds more that could or could not be loosely related.

It seems that humans are complicated.

My feelings about relationships, activities, or even things/possessions will change, because I have changed. It doesn't even have to be anything romantic in nature.

A few years ago, thanks to the horrible magic that is Facebook, I ended up "re-connecting" with a buddy from college. When we were in college, we were best friends and had lots of great times. We created music together, recorded and performed it, and people actually liked it. We would always get together over beers. Sometimes we'd speak in poetic rhymes on purpose, while seeking out song ideas. We were both rather care-free individuals.

Well, we didn't talk but for a few minutes before issues arose.

For example, he noticed that I have no religious beliefs. This has always been the case for me, but it never came up in college. It comes up today, mostly in a political context for me, but that's another topic. Bottom line was that he noticed this, probably after seeing a few of my comments on some relevant articles or discussions.

His noticing this resulted in him sending me a big lecture about the errors of my ways. Printed out, it came to roughly 16 pages. As I read through it, I thought that here I am, getting a harsh religious lecture from someone who was once my best friend.

All I could say in response was that I was heartbroken and disappointed that he felt the need to lay such harsh judgment. I told him that I never had any concerns about whether or not he believed anything, because I've never cared on an individual level. If someone is cool with me and we get along, then I don't care.

Clearly, he had changed, and I would later learn that it was due to the death of his father, and his inability to deal with that. He adopted panic attacks, got on meds, and went to find religion. That happens, and there should be nothing wrong with it.

I had changed as well, in that I decided to start being more vocal after decades of being told to shut up and keep it to myself, because I was an evil sub-human who was not deserving of breathing the same air as those who "knew the truth." Speaking up was important for me, because it helped me to understand that I was not alone, that I was not a freak, and that I was not the horrible baby-eating person that they'd always asserted me to be.

All of this happened five years ago. This year, I emailed him and apologized that my non-belief was so upsetting to him. With that, I promised to never bring it up. After all, as we get older, we have fewer and fewer friends.

He initially accepted my apology. But then he sent me a link to a video, saying that the guy in the video looked just like me. The guy weighed 600 pounds. I'm overweight, true. But not like that, and I had no idea why he would send me something so cruel, completely out of nowhere.

I wrote back and said, "That's why the doctor has me on meds and a modified diet for pre-diabetics."

He never wrote back. The person, who was once my best friend, treated me like garbage.

People change. They always change. Best friends can become the most fierce of enemies. If you're lucky, then they just fall of the face of the earth and are never to be heard from again.

Re-connecting with him destroyed the scant few good memories of that past that I have. He took that from me.

Once a person becomes a part of your past, it is always best to just leave them there.

 

[Bolletje]

I see a few options:

1. The new girl has sleeping habits that make sharing a bed easier.
2. He likes the new girl enough to overlook his dislike of sharing a bed.
3. He does not share a bed with the new girl.

Which isn't to say any of these are true. After living with my ex and hating every moment of it, I decided that cohabitation was just not for me. Not worth the aggravation, so to speak. I could not fathom ever being able to share a bed, let alone a flat, with someone else.

Yet I ended up living with my current boyfriend, because no matter how much I dislike people in my personal space, I'll gladly (ok I complain sometimes) accept his clutter and his wild sleeping habits if it means I get to see him every day.

 

[Tom]

Its possible that something has changed that allows him to tolerate it now. Even just time has an effect sometimes. But I don't think you will ever be able to figure this one out. I say that because when it comes to failing relationships, people are often not entirely honest. A lot of it comes from a desire not to hurt the others feelings. So I do not believe you can count on his statement being entirely true to begin with. Without being positive its just an endless cycle of speculation.

 

[kay]

The feelings about the whole bed sharing thing changes with me all the time. Some nights I actually fantasize about having a twin bed in the closet to sleep in, other nights I can't imagine having to sleep all by myself. Sometimes I go to sleep all cuddled up and happy and wake up at four hoping my boyfriend will get up soon so I can have the whole bed. So he could have easily changed about bed sharing in a few years time. Or like several people suggested, his new girlfriend prefers no bed sharing either. I know a couple married for 30 years who don't even share a house. Both NT.

 

[Flammie91]

Can feelings change? Short answer, yes. Thats why I don't pursue relationships. ^^

 

[Sid Delicious]

Yes, Facebook it a great litmus test. I've discovered hidden sides to all of the people I've added over the years. Some are very quiet in real life, but complete attention hoes on Facebook (the sort that post photos of every meal or pretty sunset). Others are raving communists or hardcore 'red-pills' (both of these I find far too entertaining to block and wish I could find a way to introduce them and then film it)! Others are very religious or have secret hobbies that I would never have guessed when I knew them. Facebook brings many people out of their shell and reveals a lot about the inner workings of their mind. I find it an interesting social experiment.

 

[Flammie91]

Yes, Facebook it a great litmus test. I've discovered hidden sides to all of the people I've added over the years. Some are very quiet in real life, but complete attention hoes on Facebook (the sort that post photos of every meal or pretty sunset). Others are raving communists or hardcore 'red-pills' (both of these I find far too entertaining to block and wish I could find a way to introduce them and then film it)! Others are very religious or have secret hobbies that I would never have guessed when I knew them. Facebook brings many people out of their shell and reveals a lot about the inner workings of their mind. I find it an interesting social experiment.

Once upon a time humanity was going somewhere, then facebook happened. Good night kids, sleep well.

 

[Sid Delicious]

True! Although it can be a good way to stay in touch with people that you really like but can't see face to face on a regular basis. Sometimes it's better to have people in your life at a distance than not at all. For example, I've had to move around a lot for work and (in my 20s) for personal or financial reasons. It's rare that I meet people I 'click' with and if I do then I try to stay in touch somehow. The same goes for family that live miles away. Half of my relatives live on the west side of the UK, so I don't get to physically hang out with them much at the moment. But since they are on Facebook, they can message me or send photos and things and we have group chats on there. I don't enjoy using phones if I can help it, so Facebook is a useful alternative. Like most things, social media is a tool and can be used for good or bad. Unfortunately, a lot of people use it for the wrong reasons.

 

[SnailPie]

Well, I'm a woman, but I can say that feelings do change.
I was never a touchy-feely warm and fuzzy partner in my previous relationships, nor did I want to spend all my time with my sweetie. I needed LOTS of time alone.
With my new guy, I like to touch him all the time, want him to be close to me as much as possible, and I never seem to need the time away from him as I have other men in my life. (Or all other people, for that matter!)

Part of this might be the deep love I have for him and him for me. Part of it may be that he's a Aspie too, and somehow that makes him easy to be around.
(Except for his argumentative side, which you could read about on MY intro thread...)

When we get along, we get along great. As he himself says, he likes things with me that he didn't like/do with any woman before me. So there is some sort of chemistry that makes the connection stronger/easier/more pleasant.

Probably not what you want to hear, but as an NT you're probably better off finding yourself a nice NT guy who likes to snuggle and sleep in the same bed with YOU.

Best of luck!

 

[Sabrina]

No doubt, it's a highly complex issue. For whatever "tangent" is touched upon, there are probably hundreds more that could or could not be loosely related.

It seems that humans are complicated.

My feelings about relationships, activities, or even things/possessions will change, because I have changed. It doesn't even have to be anything romantic in nature.

A few years ago, thanks to the horrible magic that is Facebook, I ended up "re-connecting" with a buddy from college. When we were in college, we were best friends and had lots of great times. We created music together, recorded and performed it, and people actually liked it. We would always get together over beers. Sometimes we'd speak in poetic rhymes on purpose, while seeking out song ideas. We were both rather care-free individuals.

Well, we didn't talk but for a few minutes before issues arose.

For example, he noticed that I have no religious beliefs. This has always been the case for me, but it never came up in college. It comes up today, mostly in a political context for me, but that's another topic. Bottom line was that he noticed this, probably after seeing a few of my comments on some relevant articles or discussions.

His noticing this resulted in him sending me a big lecture about the errors of my ways. Printed out, it came to roughly 16 pages. As I read through it, I thought that here I am, getting a harsh religious lecture from someone who was once my best friend.

All I could say in response was that I was heartbroken and disappointed that he felt the need to lay such harsh judgment. I told him that I never had any concerns about whether or not he believed anything, because I've never cared on an individual level. If someone is cool with me and we get along, then I don't care.

Clearly, he had changed, and I would later learn that it was due to the death of his father, and his inability to deal with that. He adopted panic attacks, got on meds, and went to find religion. That happens, and there should be nothing wrong with it.

I had changed as well, in that I decided to start being more vocal after decades of being told to shut up and keep it to myself, because I was an evil sub-human who was not deserving of breathing the same air as those who "knew the truth." Speaking up was important for me, because it helped me to understand that I was not alone, that I was not a freak, and that I was not the horrible baby-eating person that they'd always asserted me to be.

All of this happened five years ago. This year, I emailed him and apologized that my non-belief was so upsetting to him. With that, I promised to never bring it up. After all, as we get older, we have fewer and fewer friends.

He initially accepted my apology. But then he sent me a link to a video, saying that the guy in the video looked just like me. The guy weighed 600 pounds. I'm overweight, true. But not like that, and I had no idea why he would send me something so cruel, completely out of nowhere.

I wrote back and said, "That's why the doctor has me on meds and a modified diet for pre-diabetics."

He never wrote back. The person, who was once my best friend, treated me like garbage.

People change. They always change. Best friends can become the most fierce of enemies. If you're lucky, then they just fall of the face of the earth and are never to be heard from again.

Re-connecting with him destroyed the scant few good memories of that past that I have. He took that from me.

Once a person becomes a part of your past, it is always best to just leave them there.

Something similar happened to me with my oldest friend, as well as my supposed best friend, a year ago. It was tough, but I had to break both relationships. One of them wasn’t that badly damaged, maybe I’ll reconnect with her in the future, but the other friendship, the oldest one (from high school) is dead for good.

That‘s one of the reasons why I only check Facebook once a month or so.

 

[Benjamin Dover]

That‘s one of the reasons why I only check Facebook once a month or so.

After I got taken by a cancer scammer, I was shamed off of all social networking in mid-2014. I have not been back since, and I will never get back.

Being here is as close to social networking as I will get, and it took me maybe two years to even get up the nerve to try out a forum.

 

[Shonda]

Thanks for all your insight everyone. I appreciate all the advice. Some of it was hard to hear but offered great insight. As an NT, I have always assumed it was hard for aspies to change. For this reason, when I think of my ex telling me certain things about him, but seeing him supposedly practice something different in real life is hard for me to process. I need to keep more open- minded and work on myself as well.

 

[SnailPie]

Aspies are exactly like NTs in that we can be somewhat different with each individual. We have stronger feelings for one person and act a certain way with them, whereas with someone else we mightn't want that level of intimacy or contact.
I don't mean to offend, but sometimes NTs tend to think of us as a bunch of symptoms and not as individuals. (Not saying you are doing this.)
We have more or less "chemistry" and desire/feelings/intensity with the various people we encounter, just as you do.
In my 25+ year marriage, I was with someone who needed a LOT of time to himself, and I was very independent. I didn't 'need' a lot from him emotionally, so it worked for a long time.
With my new fella, I absolutely ADORE him and would do anything for him. I have this deep, loving desire to be of service, to make his life better, to show him how much I care on a daily basis. I take NOTHING for granted.
It is the closest I've ever been to being "needy" in my entire life! I have never been with someone who could make me melt, make me sad, make me angry, make me swoon...there is this deep, abiding affection and respect. So, in a nutshell, I am very different with my current BF than I was in my 30 year relationship prior.
(Note: Husband was NT/BF is undiagnosed AS. I'm certain this matters somehow.)

I guess what I'm saying is that you might consider counting yourself lucky that you realized you might be better off before you got married, had kids, got financially entangled, and found yourself with someone who was unable to meet your needs.
That is a lonely life, and I've lived it.
"Making the best" of a relationship for decades is not the best choice for the one go-round we get in life.

Just my $.02. Worth exactly that.

 

[Major Tom]

Feelings can definitely change, and also perhaps he just meshed better with his new gf. Often times relationships get stagnant, and even us people on spectrum can feel it and perhaps start looking for change. This is especially true if the relationship tends towards negativity rather than positivity. We have enough challenges in life NT or on the spectrum, and wading through a negative relationship for years can make feelings change for sure. Not saying this was the case with you, just mainly quoting my own personal life experience.

 

[SnailPie]

I'm all for taking a lover, but ONLY if that invitation is extended to one's partner as well!
All's fair in love and war, and honesty is a must in a marriage.

 

[paloftoon]

I'm really dwelling on what it was all about, though I know I should not. It's hard. Maybe I'll never know. It is even a possibility that he doesn't know (?)... I guess my feelings of betrayal also stem from him saying relationships weren't for him in the first place. I always figured that if he changed his mind on the matter, we'd try to make it work again. I think this is where the "he's just not that into you" mantra needs to come into play.

I don't think anyone truly knows "how much" space they would really need. Everything needs to progress naturally. In some cases, it may not be possible because of at least one person's feelings.

If the timing is off, or if you make a mistake too early on or something that just seems too offbeat or unacceptably weird, then maybe it could be a permanent scar to the other person or vice versa. It's hard to stay friends with people one has dated or been in a relationship with. Some get too emotionally detached and only want it all or nothing at all.

People NTs or aspies can always change. Some aspies well be or were more formulaic, predictable, or readable than others. Emotions don't always make sense either for any person.

Just the idea that you have become more self-aware and are able to post and articulate your situation to us are great signs that you will find others that are compatible with you. Try not to depend on this person coming back, but all you can do is leave your door open and in case you're not taken and something does come up, then maybe you have another chance.

It is very possible this guy doesn't know what makes him feel for relationships or not. It is very possible he feels turned off by you because of the past stigma of a negative experience that was not entirely your own fault. Even if it was totally your fault, which in one of my situations it was, we have to accept the fact that if it was meant to work out, our efforts would have been reciprocated. All you can do is try when you can and then move on. We move on by focusing on other activities, friends, and growing ourselves to be better people for others we meet, keep in touch with, and/or always the possibility of meeting old flames. When we are different, more confident, more capable, independent, flexible, and/or knowledgeable people, we all become sexier.

 

[Shonda]

I don't think anyone truly knows "how much" space they would really need. Everything needs to progress naturally. In some cases, it may not be possible because of at least one person's feelings.

If the timing is off, or if you make a mistake too early on or something that just seems too offbeat or unacceptably weird, then maybe it could be a permanent scar to the other person or vice versa. It's hard to stay friends with people one has dated or been in a relationship with. Some get too emotionally detached and only want it all or nothing at all.

People NTs or aspies can always change. Some aspies well be or were more formulaic, predictable, or readable than others. Emotions don't always make sense either for any person.

Just the idea that you have become more self-aware and are able to post and articulate your situation to us are great signs that you will find others that are compatible with you. Try not to depend on this person coming back, but all you can do is leave your door open and in case you're not taken and something does come up, then maybe you have another chance.

It is very possible this guy doesn't know what makes him feel for relationships or not. It is very possible he feels turned off by you because of the past stigma of a negative experience that was not entirely your own fault. Even if it was totally your fault, which in one of my situations it was, we have to accept the fact that if it was meant to work out, our efforts would have been reciprocated. All you can do is try when you can and then move on. We move on by focusing on other activities, friends, and growing ourselves to be better people for others we meet, keep in touch with, and/or always the possibility of meeting old flames. When we are different, more confident, more capable, independent, flexible, and/or knowledgeable people, we all become sexier.

Thank you so much for this. I am honestly not the relationship type, but this person changed my life. Because of him, I have a completely different outlook on life and other people. Some days are easier than others, but it is always somewhat difficult. I agree that the best advice is to focus on myself, which I've been trying myself to do. In my eyes so far, life always has a funny way of looking out, so I am trying to stay as optimistic as I can about my future.

Thank you for your beautiful post.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

I really feel for you reading this. My aspie ex recently ended it because he couldn't see us living together/having a future and what seems a total panic. He didn't want me not in his life but couldn't cope with a 'normal' future (so he tells me). The first 6 months together, his family and friends said to me things like 'I've never seen him like this with anyone' or 'I've never seen him so happy'. Then he started to shut down and it all went from there.

So with your ex, perhaps he has not yet reached that shut down place (my ex would literally be sleeping on the other side of the bed, back to me, ignoring me when he went into his emotional/physical shutdowns) and I stopped touching him at all to try and respect his need for space). From what I have read, it's not unusual to have this honeymoon period. Your ex may be in this period still.

Or, as others have said, he will have changed with the years. Perhaps he has learned from his prior relationships how to communicate his needs in a relationship better. Something all of us, NT or aspie, could do with some lessons in (I know I could!).

I'm not sure that helps. It's only been weeks for me and I find my world is monochrome without him. I'm really struggling but hoping that time is the healer they say.

 

[Shonda]

I really feel for you reading this. My aspie ex recently ended it because he couldn't see us living together/having a future and what seems a total panic. He didn't want me not in his life but couldn't cope with a 'normal' future (so he tells me). The first 6 months together, his family and friends said to me things like 'I've never seen him like this with anyone' or 'I've never seen him so happy'. Then he started to shut down and it all went from there.

So with your ex, perhaps he has not yet reached that shut down place (my ex would literally be sleeping on the other side of the bed, back to me, ignoring me when he went into his emotional/physical shutdowns) and I stopped touching him at all to try and respect his need for space). From what I have read, it's not unusual to have this honeymoon period. Your ex may be in this period still.

Or, as others have said, he will have changed with the years. Perhaps he has learned from his prior relationships how to communicate his needs in a relationship better. Something all of us, NT or aspie, could do with some lessons in (I know I could!).

I'm not sure that helps. It's only been weeks for me and I find my world is monochrome without him. I'm really struggling but hoping that time is the healer they say.

It's incredible. It seemed the same with us as well. We definitely had a honeymoon period. It was definitely too hot too quick and I should have pumped the brakes in retrospect. I do believe he cared/(s) about me as a person. But I do feel as though he could not express it at the time.

It's been 3 years since we have been together, and over a year since we've spoken. He said he was the wrong guy for me, and I should be with someone else. He said he was not able to have a romantic relationship. I know it's crazy, but I still feel some connection to him in some way, and I can't explain it. I've never met another person like him, and it's discouraging.

I also feel like he is going through a honeymoon period with this new person. However, I was astounded to see that his new girl had listed him as in a relationship on facebook... it's not something I could have ever imagined him doing. To this day, I still would not do that with my partner. (Social media kills relationships, but that's just my opinion). So even though he could be honeymooning, he has changed in some respects as well...

Life can be hard to cope with sometimes. I almost wish something bad had happened between us so I would have a reason to walk away. But on my end, everything was fine. I love the person I knew and I hope one day I get to see if any of that person still exists. I hate that he made it seem like he was doing something noble in letting me go, but now he is with someone else. It makes no sense. The lack of closure is what makes it so hard for me.