Can feelings change?

[Funkymunchkin]

It's incredible. It seemed the same with us as well. We definitely had a honeymoon period. It was definitely too hot too quick and I should have pumped the brakes in retrospect. I do believe he cared/(s) about me as a person. But I do feel as though he could not express it at the time.

It's been 3 years since we have been together, and over a year since we've spoken. He said he was the wrong guy for me, and I should be with someone else. He said he was not able to have a romantic relationship. I know it's crazy, but I still feel some connection to him in some way, and I can't explain it. I've never met another person like him, and it's discouraging.

I also feel like he is going through a honeymoon period with this new person. However, I was astounded to see that his new girl had listed him as in a relationship on facebook... it's not something I could have ever imagined him doing. To this day, I still would not do that with my partner. (Social media kills relationships, but that's just my opinion). So even though he could be honeymooning, he has changed in some respects as well...

Life can be hard to cope with sometimes. I almost wish something bad had happened between us so I would have a reason to walk away. But on my end, everything was fine. I love the person I knew and I hope one day I get to see if any of that person still exists. I hate that he made it seem like he was doing something noble in letting me go, but now he is with someone else. It makes no sense. The lack of closure is what makes it so hard for me.

I was the same re the honeymoon period but put it down to the fact we knew each other so well for a long time (and joint close friends/family members) already but in retrospect... isn't that supposed to be classic avoidant style? It made him seem mega secure, until the avoidant kicked in I have no doubt he did care. Mine couldn't express it either but then would go to great lengths on a present, or a tight long bear hug to try and show it. I also knew he didn't tolerate bs at all - if he was with me, it was for real, end of.

It's hard isn't it - nothing worse than the man you love telling you that you shouldn't!!

Goodness he was the same about relationships and social media - although he posted lots of photos of us all over it so it was pretty obvious. Maybe his girlfriend just went ahead and did it and he didn't get a choice? Could be avoiding confrontation? A lot of people do it (I am with you though, I don't either).

I wish I knew what to say to make it easier but I am only a few weeks along. Having similar challenges that it's hard to understand/accept how he could from one extreme to another in a matter of days. He and I had been friends for a very long time prior also and our lives (friends and families) are interconnected so I am mourning on many levels. Like you, it's lack of closure that makes it hard but I haven't made contact as I fear that at best he'll just repeat his reasons and at worst he'll push me away even harder and I am hurting enough already. Every day I have to try and resist contact, I guess it's that need for closure.

I really hope that this gets easier for you.

 

[Shonda]

I was the same re the honeymoon period but put it down to the fact we knew each other so well for a long time (and joint close friends/family members) already but in retrospect... isn't that supposed to be classic avoidant style? It made him seem mega secure, until the avoidant kicked in I have no doubt he did care. Mine couldn't express it either but then would go to great lengths on a present, or a tight long bear hug to try and show it. I also knew he didn't tolerate bs at all - if he was with me, it was for real, end of.

It's hard isn't it - nothing worse than the man you love telling you that you shouldn't!!

Goodness he was the same about relationships and social media - although he posted lots of photos of us all over it so it was pretty obvious. Maybe his girlfriend just went ahead and did it and he didn't get a choice? Could be avoiding confrontation? A lot of people do it (I am with you though, I don't either).

I wish I knew what to say to make it easier but I am only a few weeks along. Having similar challenges that it's hard to understand/accept how he could from one extreme to another in a matter of days. He and I had been friends for a very long time prior also and our lives (friends and families) are interconnected so I am mourning on many levels. Like you, it's lack of closure that makes it hard but I haven't made contact as I fear that at best he'll just repeat his reasons and at worst he'll push me away even harder and I am hurting enough already. Every day I have to try and resist contact, I guess it's that need for closure.

I really hope that this gets easier for you.

I hope it gets easier for you too. When this first happened, it felt like no one else could possibly understand what I was going through. My closest friends and family would tell me to forget him, he is not a good person for ghosting on you, a coward, etc. But I know in my heart, that because he is an aspie, it was much harder for him to deal with the situation than most people can understand. I also have not told any of my friends or family about his diagnosis out of respect for his privacy. Personally, my biggest regret was not giving him adequate space when he asked for it. I was young, insecure, and so afraid to lose the person most special to me. With this fear, I believe I ultimately pushed him away and it breaks my heart.

I am constantly flip- flopping between wondering what lesson life was trying to teach me. Or if nothing means anything and has no symbolic meaning at all. Anyway, if you ever need to talk, I am always here. Thanks for your story.

 

[Funkymunchkin]

I hope it gets easier for you too. When this first happened, it felt like no one else could possibly understand what I was going through. My closest friends and family would tell me to forget him, he is not a good person for ghosting on you, a coward, etc. But I know in my heart, that because he is an aspie, it was much harder for him to deal with the situation than most people can understand. I also have not told any of my friends or family about his diagnosis out of respect for his privacy. Personally, my biggest regret was not giving him adequate space when he asked for it. I was young, insecure, and so afraid to lose the person most special to me. With this fear, I believe I ultimately pushed him away and it breaks my heart.

I am constantly flip- flopping between wondering what lesson life was trying to teach me. Or if nothing means anything and has no symbolic meaning at all. Anyway, if you ever need to talk, I am always here. Thanks for your story.

I have had the same - my friends are just calling him rude words and saying he's not good enough for me, forget him, move on etc. In some respects I do think what he has done, well more the way he did it, was cowardly but because of the state he's in I also kind of get it too and just feel sad all round. Like you, I have been careful who I talk to as our group is very interconnected and I can't see any good coming out of the whole world knowing about the deeper issues. And if he found out, he may be pushed even further away from getting help. But that makes it tougher on ourselves as well meaning people just think they're not worth it.

I'm so sorry for how you feel. I am sure you didn't do anything wrong, you can only work with what information you have at the time.

Lessons come with long hindsight if at all. I hope I will be more patient and compassionate having been so heartbroken myself.

Take care of you, I hope you're doing OK. x