Can we (I) ever do enough?

[Chance]

Just wondering... Does anyone else ever feel (or always feel) like they can never do enough to please those around them?

At some point "people pleasing" turns into people using others. I try not to dwell on it, I just try and see it for what it really is. Some of it is just LIFE, but its like there is this point where it spills over into this mental waterfall of people using the crap out of me, and then complaining at the same time, while pointing out all my differences and issues...

I could see that if I was the "user" or the "taker" in the scenario, but I mostly ask NOTHING of anyone ever, yet the usery is just common place in my life...

Not always a huge deal, but I have a whole mass of people on the way (that invited themselves) to come celebrate this spring solstice, bunny laying eggs, Jesus death, historical mashup that makes no sense to me in a historical form...

And they want FOOD... and I'm not in the mood to cook all day and smell like smoke... I have been in soot and ashes all week and I'm kind of tired of that...

The weather sucks right now... Its went from really hot to really cold ad the wind is blowing like crazy... My bro-in-law and sister-in-law are moving and they have about 12 loads of laundry in my utility room and I cant even do my own clothes, in my own house while they sit and mindlessly watch Netflix...

Meanwhile all these other people are coming here after church and a 2 hour drive to set down and feast... Why? Why here? They have nice homes and all live closer together... Do they think I am in need of their intrusion?

LOGIC isn't fitting and I dont give a rats ass about sitting around trying to figure out what to say to these people, when I have no want to talk to them in the first place. I dont give a crap about stocks, bonds, insurance, tax law, babies pooping, and screaming, the new movies that are out, or politics and religion... Yet they want to come to "neverland" and bring all their stuff with them... : (

Now, all I want to do is go somewhere else but that would be very rude... So here comes the "masking" BS... I have to "pretend" to enjoy this thing I dislike that was forced on me, basically I wasn't even asked.

Then I have to endure how I eat, what I can't eat, how weird I am about this or that... I dont want to talk about it... I don't even care... ITS NORMAL TO ME, and not a topic of discussion, but it ALWAYS becomes one...

I would NEVER in a hundred years do this to someone, so I don't understand why its a continuum in my life???

I have worked 18 hour days all week and i just want some peace and quiet, but no no no, not allowed at Chance's place... Why? What do I do to set the vibe this is okay when most often they don't even notice I exist?

Does this happen to anyone else???... Or am I just this lone magnet for stuff I don't want?

Moreover, I only found out about this last night right when I got home from work, so I have no warning, no way to divert things, just endure it and shut up... as usual...

That seems to be a trend since I was tiny and its a trend I'm sort of tired of, but to dare buck this more often than not, becomes more of a situation then I care to deal with...

Oh that cabin in the mountains in some really far away place like Vancouver looks so good in my head right now... : )

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

In the spirit of the season :

Jesus doesn't like you either.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Meanwhile all these other people are coming here after church and a 2 hour drive to set down and feast... Why? Why here? They have nice homes and all live closer together... Do they think I am in need of their intrusion?

Free food, none of them have to cook. If they live close maybe they see each other more.

Now, all I want to do is go somewhere else but that would be very rude... So here comes the "masking" BS... I have to "pretend" to enjoy this thing I dislike that was forced on me, basically I wasn't even asked.

Gotta get rude if you want it to end. Are you scared of the family fallout and dont want to lose them from your life?

I would NEVER in a hundred years do this to someone, so I don't understand why its a continuum in my life???

Go back to the previous quote.

Does this happen to anyone else???... Or am I just this lone magnet for stuff I don't want?

It doesnt happen to me. I don't have any contact with any family members.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Then I have to endure how I eat, what I can't eat, how weird I am about this or that... I dont want to talk about it... I don't even care... ITS NORMAL TO ME, and not a topic of discussion, but it ALWAYS becomes one...

Oh, what can't you eat? Why does it all have to be separate?

 

[Chance]

In the spirit of the season :

Jesus doesn't like you either.

I like Him... : ) I just don't like how stuff we do don't add up and make any sense and we call it a truth.

Its not even about that really... Thats too deep for the bunch I have to deal with... It's that they don't care if I'm tired or don't want company... They didn't ask, they just do, and it gets old.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I like Him... : ) I just don't like how stuff we do don't add up and make any sense and we call it a truth.

Its not even about that really... Thats too deep for the bunch I have to deal with... It's that they don't care if I'm tired or don't want company... They didn't ask, they just do, and it gets old.

Too many years of them doi g it I guess. Hard to stop it, especially when youve been workimg so hard.

So what happens if you say youre tired?
You get sh@t for that too?

 

[Chance]

Oh, what can't you eat? Why does it all have to be separate?

I'm truthfully very allergic to pork, and they want a smoked Ham.
I have Celiac so I cant eat wheat... that's about it but that throws everything into chaos...
Plus the quirks about stuff touching that has been an issue ALL MY LIFE...

None of this is new at all so its just TIRING old crap I don't want to hear anymore

 

[Progster]

Who are these people coming to visit, are they relatives?

 

[Chance]

Gotta get rude if you want it to end. Are you scared of the family fallout and dont want to lose them from your life?

I suck at being rude... I live by a true code of honor to treat others the way I want to be treated...
So I cant very well hold that code and be a D*$# at the same time AND THEY KNOW THIS!!!!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I suck at being rude... I live by a true code of honor to treat others the way I want to be treated...
So I cant very well hold that code and be a D*$# at the same time AND THEY KNOW THIS!!!!

Great to have that code. Which can mean treating others with respect
But you also have to treat yourself as good as you treat them.

It's being assertive ,not necessarily rude.
As someone said earlier.. offence can't be given, but it can be taken.

You're allowed to be tired and not do things.
They may label you.
Doesnt mean its true.

so we need to think about boundaries,golden rule,how to be assertive.

So that you can maintain your code amd fit assertiveness into ypur mental framework.

 

[Chance]

Who are these people coming to visit, are they relatives?

Yes... and well lets just say my "wife" is behind this... She is coming too... and set this all up
I think they call this a "catch 22"

I'm pinned either way, unless I just drive off and be a no show at my own home... And that has crossed my mind but I'm too tired to go anywhere really... I'm just not gonna jump and do this last second.

They can cook when they get here and I am going to be in really hot water for a while for daring to act like this...

Just truly not in the mood. Not in a bad mood, just really tired, but thats not allowed it seems, because "YOUR ALWAYS TIRED" as I hear anytime I want to set down and just go off in my head to not go insane.

: )

 

[Chance]

It doesnt happen to me. I don't have any contact with any family members

I admire that in some weird way... You have a freedom I have never been allowed to have.
Yet, I also fear I have been so "forced to conform" that I cant really SEE, who I might be if I were to be that free... I guess the unknown side of myself, and the fact I would be a real outcast is a pretty high wall for me to see over still, yet... I am trying very VERY hard to put some distance in between me and some people who cause me lots of upset.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I admire that in some weird way... You have a freedom I have never been allowed to have.
Yet, I also fear I have been so "forced to conform" that I cant really SEE, who I might be if I were to be that free... I guess the unknown side of myself, and the fact I would be a real outcast is a pretty high wall for me to see over still, yet... I am trying very VERY hard to put some distance in between me and some people who cause me lots of upset.

Hopefully there's a middle way between me and the chance of now so future chance benefits.

If you get that job transfer, may make it easier. I know you didn't get it the first time.

 

[Chance]

My best logic says to BE NICE, but let them handle a bunch of it... Yes they will be a little miffed because they are already seeing me as a jerk for not going to church and then coming back out here...

I said, "Thank you but no thank you." Only ro be told it wasn't really a question of IF I wanted to go... So there is already some tension and steamrolling going on that I don't want to deal with... But its okay, I can handle it.

A comment was made that I would rather not post, that was really ugly... It was about me not caring about my soul and stuff like that when I do care very deeply about stuff like that only not in the way they do...
But I'm not allowed to discuss ANYTHING that is outside the majority so I am the spawn of hell at times it seems. I could maybe see it if I was some hater of Christians... Not the case at any level... but the case they try to make falsely and this is a really tough time for me to battle over what people FORCE on me, yet are so CLOSE MINDED they will not allow ANY other discussion at any level... Its a little crazy sometimes...

 

[Progster]

My instant reaction is, if she set this up without consulting you, then let her be the one to deal with these guests. If she needs help with the barbecue, the guests can help out. Go and do your own thing for a while. Actually, it's really difficult to advise on this, as I don't know you or your situation well enough to do so, and it's obviously a lot more complicated that what is written here, as well as the US being a completely different culture to what I am used to, but when my partner has had guests round in the past (they are his friends and they come to see him, not me) and I've been tired after work, I just go upstairs to my room and lie down and isolate myself for a while - I don't make excuses or explain myself, I just do it. But I don't have repercussions, nobody criticises or even seems to notice really. Or perhaps they are just used to me doing it. I'm lucky that my partner seems to understand these things and doesn't make demands on me.

 

[Chance]

Hopefully there's a middle way between me and the chance of now so future chance benefits.

If you get that job transfer, may make it easier. I know you didn't get it the first time.

Nor the second... The guy who was there is now gone... So I'm working on other options at this point...
I was suppose to get to take the place of a guy retiring (done deal)... He decided to stay then got sick, and they appointed his replacement and he was force retired... Which was not wrong... They did what they had to do. I have no hard feelings and the guy who got the job is very capable, so I cant bash the logic they used and just be a selfish grown up brat.

I just have to figure something else out thats all... : ) and I am working on it, but its not comfortable by any means.

 

[Chance]

My instant reaction is, if she set this up without consulting you, then let her be the one to deal with these guests. If she needs help with the barbecue, the guests can help out. Go and do your own thing for a while. Actually, it's really difficult to advise on this, as I don't know you or your situation well enough to do so, and it's obviously a lot more complicated that what is written here, as well as the US being a completely different culture to what I am used to, but when my partner has had guests round in the past (they are his friends and they come to see him, not me) and I've been tired after work, I just go upstairs to my room and lie down and isolate myself for a while - I don't make excuses or explain myself, I just do it. But I don't have repercussions, nobody criticises or even seems to notice really. Or perhaps they are just used to me doing it. I'm lucky that my partner seems to understand these things and doesn't make demands on me.

That is all I ask... No repercussions for being me. I'm not remotely making a scene or trying to be rude. I just don't want to deal with this today, and it would have been nice to have a heads up and be included in deciding all this stuff...

I'm not asking for the moon at all, but to disagree at any level... you would think I was the son of satan.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Nor the second... The guy who was there is now gone... So I'm working on other options at this point...
I was suppose to get to take the place of a guy retiring (done deal)... He decided to stay then got sick, and they appointed his replacement and he was force retired... Which was not wrong... They did what they had to do. I have no hard feelings and the guy who got the job is very capable, so I cant bash the logic they used and just be a selfish grown up brat.

I just have to figure something else out that's all... : ) and I am working on it, but its not comfortable by any means.

Yeh, that's tough.

 

[Chance]

That is all I ask... No repercussions for being me. I'm not remotely making a scene or trying to be rude. I just don't want to deal with this today, and it would have been nice to have a heads up and be included in deciding all this stuff...

I'm not asking for the moon at all, but to disagree at any level... you would think I was the son of satan.

They are very Alpha type family... Its not that they are mean they just sort of do as they wish regardless of any other opinions and in some ways that is okay I guess, but it gets really old when you are not extrovert or alpha and its your place... not theirs, yet I guess they feel it is because I try to make people feel welcome most the time.

 

[Progster]

That is all I ask... No repercussions for being me. I'm not remotely making a scene or trying to be rude. I just don't want to deal with this today, and it would have been nice to have a heads up and be included in deciding all this stuff...

I'm not asking for the moon at all, but to disagree at any level... you would think I was the son of satan.

You are right, it's not much to ask. It is extremely inconsiderate to organize this without consulting you or taking your needs into consideration.