People tend not to handle lose/lose situations very well.
I really like your "doors" example... I think in pictures so that's perfect. Sadly the lose/lose hurts because its a fact.
It's mostly over... I lived through it... but I feel so used, so messed with. This herd and my wife wound up bringing KFC and cakes and stuff which was nice... I didn't have to cook. She finally answered my text... There was basically nothing they brought that I could eat (without getting really sick) and that turned into the craziness of a discussion I did not want to have.
They KNOW this stuff. It's not new, none of my issues are new. It's so bazar to be the odd duck out every freaking day, at every freaking event. And to think I would want so bad to move away...
Now I have to face facts on that also... Is this going to go away? Am I going to suddenly not have ASD and fit in with a bunch of strangers. Or is that just another situation that is going to drive me further inside myself and withdraw just a little more?
Lose/Lose sucks! So I close this door that sucks, not even knowing what is behind the next door I open.
So, yes I am afraid because I have to look at this with some form of logic. It sucks to be so STUCK and not wanting to be. Here I know my surroundings, and that is a small advantage that I lose when I move, and I think that is one reason I put up with so much.
I want so bad to walk through that door, but when I do... They will hate me, and that door will not be there to walk back through. I have the type of people around me that dont care. All they are going to see is a loser who left IF I just walk out on LIFE... So I better not screw this up once I do this.
That is one reason I am trying so hard to make a career change, instead of walking out... It isn't so drastic to have to go off to work and come home when I can... and maybe later it's just too much trouble to go back and forth, and sell off what is mine and then move on. This is stuff I should have handled 10 years ago or more, but I just kept hoping things would get better... I lost hope, and I lost the ability to really even care.
That alone makes me upset, because it's not who I am inside, but its my only way to stomach my surroundings. Its like a battle for every little crumb of sanity and I just know its not that way everywhere.
So I know there is a door I can walk through that will bring me a piece of a LIFE I have always dreamed of... Which door... I have no idea just yet.
Thanks for the word pictures : )
What is the worst that would happen if you just got in your jeep, drove away and stayed in a motel for 2-3 days until they were gone and let your wife see how much work it is. Then when you got back home tell her that is what's going to happen if she keeps doing that to you. I don't think setting limits at this point at all means you are a bad person. There are just some people who take such advantage that living by the golden rule doesn't work- doesn't help you or them.
I would love drive off and hang out somewhere, but I'm literally "on call" till Labor Day at this point and my job demands all 7 days (and nights) most the time. It's so far away to any place, that if it's not work related I might get in a mess if there is an emergency at work, and that's the last thing I need right now...
But it sounds so good (I just go off in my head mostly for now, that's something I have always been able to do). As for Emergencies this year is starting off insane. We had the massive fire, I have already sent 1 person off in the helicopter with a severe broken leg and head injury (ATV Accident), and I have already had to deal with a couple of drunks who were being ugly to the staff and some other people... School hasn't even let out yet, nor has this even begun to hit full swing... Ug I dread it, but it pays really well (if that is any consolation). One more reason it's hard to leave. Plus I basically have the whole winter off except for weather related stuff.
800+ acres with a golf course, a huge camping area, a huge ATV area, and an olympic size pool with a food bar and sometimes 1500 people milling all over it is a recipe for insanity... Now mix my family and my wife's family in that mix with all those personal conflicts and I need a hardy helmet and padded walls at times.
I KNOW this much. I have let stuff go way past too far for along time,
and a lot of that is my own fault.
I hate fighting and confrontation. I suck at battling with people in drama type situations, and all the stuff they can come up with in an instant. So, I just hold it all in, or let it out on here.
Someday in the near future SOMETHING will give... It has too. I am trying to hard to make changes in my life for it not too... And it will be (has to be) something that is not a slap in anyone's face, or trickery, or a blame game (at least from my end).
I KNOW there is a way to make this not go nuclear. I have waited patiently, and I can wait a little more as I prepare for my life to change. I NEED that change to require me to spend time away from all this stuff, if not MOVE away from it all together. Meanwhile, I need to work on not forming the same type situations to where this just repeats itself to show me an idiot later down LIFE's road.
Thanks for the kind words. : )
Since I worked and ran a bistro at the time, I cooked all day, and didn't want to do it when I was off. When the food became take-out, people stopped wanting to come. Which was the reason I did it. They liked the fact that I cooked well, and they wanted to eat the food I cooked, which was well made.
This is one reason I think my place is a magnet for all the stuff I get upset with. They are all cooped up in the city, and I have this place where you can see for miles and miles. I have room. I have a huge stocked pantry (until they show up), and I do cook well... I have a golf course, swimming pool, and recreation area right down the road (Right now it's a slightly charred golf course and recreation area, but that will fix). So, like you, I sort of made myself a servant and have the place that attracts people... I never bought it for that reason. That thought never even entered my head and it's not that I mind, until its forced on me.
This was a really busy weekend at work, lots of people are still there... I suppose lots of people are off today, but my people never take into consideration that I deal with other people's problems 24/7 at work, and then I am to cater to them also. My guess would be (ASD or not) this would upset any sane human being, and to have my wife leading the charge on all this, and being the ring leader of all the chaos makes it a 1000 times worse. She KNOWS I don't like being seen as weak, or less than, or dysfunctional. She also knows I don't like causing any type of scene, so she does stuff like this knowing I will be the servant and she is the Queen of Neverland in the process. It sucks, but I cause a lot of it JUST because I fear confrontation so deeply.
As a kid I lost that battle every time... Anytime I dared talk back, or didn't do what I was told... It was literally hell to pay. Sometimes it was hell to pay for reasons I never even understood and still don't understand. I guess that sort of messes some people up. It makes some people monsters and others it crushes their spirit to where they just have no want to fight at any cost. Plus it brings back way too many really bad scenes in my head that I wish could just be erased forever.
We might grow up, but somethings seem to happen to us as kids that shape what we grow into... and sometimes that's not real good. Maybe my worst fear is to get really mad... I don't think I can even imagine all of what is locked up in me all coming out at once. It doesn't because I swear on my LIFE I will never treat people the way I was treated, that lock holds tight. It never means it didn't screw me up and I'm sane enough to know that much.
So I guess it's on with LIFE and the next challenge it will bring... : )
Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice.
