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can't get a girlfriend. Any thoughts or Advice? X_X

NoKipAr on the run

NoKipAr on the run

Well-Known Member
I am sick of being single.

Hell!


you've all heard why I can't bring myself to get a lover.
so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual.

I was told that I should look on an Autism forum for an Autistic girlfriend, which was my cousin's idea.

I CAN'T BE SINGLE OR A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
I'M ALMOST 30!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. TAKE. THIS. NIGHTMARE. ANY. MORE.

Please?
 
I hear ya! I was a reluctant virgin until I was 28. Actually I was not ready for an intimate relationship before then. My breakthrough only happened when I began living for myself, enjoying life and my interests. My enjoyment of outdoor activities that challenged my limitations led me to meet a woman who liked the outdoors. She was the first and only to accept me sexually and that had a positive impact upon my life. We have been together for 45 years, married for 44.
 
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Aunty Autie said:
Yes, that is why I thought prostitution would still be illegal there. Hence my assumption OP was American
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Certainly. Only legal in some Nevada counties. I was impacted by such indoctrination. As a result I believe that I had a distorted view of sex . . . that it was not a normal part of life. I am happy that I grew beyond such a warped view. I ran into some sex workers in Thailand (hard not to) and they were certainly lovely, but the thought of sex being simply transactional was off putting for me.
 
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NoKipAr on the run said:
I am sick of being single.

Hell!


you've all heard why I can't bring myself to get a lover.
so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual.

I was told that I should look on an Autism forum for an Autistic girlfriend, which was my cousin's idea.

I CAN'T BE SINGLE OR A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
I'M ALMOST 30!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. TAKE. THIS. NIGHTMARE. ANY. MORE.

Please?
Click to expand...

I am trying to understand what is bothering you and what you want. I think you wrote it clearly but I still do not understand.

Do you want a woman to have sex with so you can lose your virginity? It that what is bothering you?

Or are you lonely and want a girlfriend for a relationship?

I wanted both, though I was not a virgin any more. Every day I thought about having a girlfriend. It was the most important thing in the world to me. For years. A long long time went by. When I was 42 I met the love of my life and we were together for eight years. All of my relationship questions seemed to have been answered because after her I no longer felt that awful need and loneliness I had all my life.

We met through an in-person autism group. It was chance. I did many intentional things to find a relationship but none of them worked.

I do not know what helps. One of my best friends is 63 and a virgin. He has never been on a date. He is at peace with it but his brain still thinks about sex and he has romantic thoughts.

In my in-person autism group there was a man in his late twenties and he talked about being so desperate that he was going to commit suicide within a week, he could not stand it any more. He came over to my home and we talked for a while. I cannot remember what we talked about. He did meet a woman at a bar that week and have sex. I do not know if that was only chance or if he was so motivated then and maybe feeling less pressure because was about to give up.

I have met autistic women who felt exactly the same. The did not want to die being a virgin.


Knowing what I know now I can see things differently but I also know that nothing I could say to my younger self to make him feel better. I felt so awful that everyone else could have a girlfriend or wife and family but I could not even have a date. It made me feel so awful about myself I could not take it. It broke my heart and made me feel so inadequate that I thought I was very broken and I was ashamed.


If I had not had that relationship that I had I do not know what I would have done. I do remember that no advice people gave me helped. My mother said to ask someone for coffee but I do not drink coffee. Things like that. It seemed all the advice was based on being dishonest so someone just meeting you would like you. That did not seem right but being myself made everyone uninterested.

I have not helped you but I wanted to say something so you knew you were not alone.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
You need to realize that Americans are basically puritans.
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You wouldn't say that in San Francisco or West Hollywood or Portland, or Seattle. We are known as the "left coast" for a reason.

For the "red" portion of the country, it might be true. There are places where it is dangerous to be anything but cis-het.

It is still far less puritan than it used to be. The current surge in right-wing populism and all the LGBTQIA+ hating is a reaction to that. I expect it will subside, but not before a lot of innocent people are hurt.
 
NoKipAr on the run said:
I am sick of being single.

Hell!


you've all heard why I can't bring myself to get a lover.
so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual.

I was told that I should look on an Autism forum for an Autistic girlfriend, which was my cousin's idea.

I CAN'T BE SINGLE OR A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
I'M ALMOST 30!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. TAKE. THIS. NIGHTMARE. ANY. MORE.

Please?
Click to expand...
It sounds to me like you don't just want sex, you want sex within a certain kind of relationship. That is a lot more difficult. Sex is easy. Romance is tough.
 
Why is it a nightmare to you? I have only had passing thoughts and loneliness when I was single and young enough to believe there was something wrong with me, and I think I have learned to accept that I wouldn't be social enough or loved enough by others to be able to have a good impression on someone.

Or also got lonely after breakups, because of the hurt and fear, and the sensation of that person gone when I got used to them being there. I get lonely in my relationship, maybe because of lack of time spent together, its less than half we used to now, and he was emotionally not there or used to want me to accept him engaging in other things whilst doing things with me, which I just don't accept because anyone deserves reciprocity and interest and I've been through the opposite way too many times, it does not work for me especially with the trauma now. And also, he cannot pay attention to both. But also this lonely feeling stems from being hurt, not taken seriously and not understood.

But everyone else in school was pretty much single with some exceptions, so I didn't see dating as this general thing. Also, being in school, it was shamed, when I got my first relationship people were teasing and asking me questions about him which was a drag and even made me feel i was better off single if it were just to end all that. Which eventually happened, of course. It's always a cycle, you'll be single especially if you choose wrong, which we tend to do in youth.
 
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NoKipAr on the run said:
I am sick of being single.

Hell!


you've all heard why I can't bring myself to get a lover.
so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual.

I was told that I should look on an Autism forum for an Autistic girlfriend, which was my cousin's idea.

I CAN'T BE SINGLE OR A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
I'M ALMOST 30!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. TAKE. THIS. NIGHTMARE. ANY. MORE.

Please?
Click to expand...
Honest questions and brutally hard answers:

What are you going to bring to the relationship? The cultural reality is that you have to be offering something that is attractive to a potential partner, and I don't mean handsome, good looks. Some females value a certain lifestyle. Are you able to provide financially? Some value someone who is in peaceful control of himself, but also quite capable mentally and physically, the so-called "warrior in a garden", the calm, stoic, dominant, alpha, not the emotional, insecure, beta. (Many women have learned the hard way that men who are emotional and insecure are THE most dangerous males to be around, both mentally and physically). Some value someone who has ambition, goals, and plans. Are you on a path towards something better? Some are looking for someone with a good moral compass. Some are looking for characteristics associated with being a loving, supportive, life partner and father. Some are looking for a specific combination of these characteristics.

If the situation were flipped, a female looking for a male partner, why would they pick you over someone else? If you don't have an honest answer, then that is why you are single. If so, what do you have to do to make yourself more "marketable"?

I sometimes joke that human beings are "three hairs from being baboons", that only about 2% of DNA separates us from chimpanzees. There's a lot of primitive hard-wiring in us. We do have to compete for mates.

As I suggest, honest questions and brutally hard answers.
 
"so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual." - Having dated all kinds, it's not much different except you have their own pet peeves and preferences in mind. I was also dating some people with multiple personalities, where their fragments were also LGBTQ, you have to keep in mind their names, personality, likes, dislikes, who said what, genders etc. Just like with a person with just one personality, they come with the same human issues, anger, forgetfulness etc. and their own benefits also. There is no aspect that differs, though my trans exes were more feminine MtF than a bi guy, which mine tended to be more masculine than even the non bi guy.
 
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Neonatal RRT said:
Honest questions and brutally hard answers:

What are you going to bring to the relationship? The cultural reality is that you have to be offering something that is attractive to a potential partner, and I don't mean handsome, good looks. Some females value a certain lifestyle. Are you able to provide financially? Some value someone who is in peaceful control of himself, but also quite capable mentally and physically,...the so-called "warrior in a garden", the calm, stoic, dominant, alpha, not the emotional, insecure, beta. (Many women have learned the hard way that men who are emotional and insecure are THE most dangerous males to be around, both mentally and physically). Some value someone who has ambition, goals, and plans. Are you on a path towards something better? Some are looking for someone with a good moral compass. Some are looking for characteristics associated with being a loving, supportive, life partner and father. Some are looking for a specific combination of these characteristics.

If the situation were flipped, a female looking for a male partner, why would they pick you over someone else? If you don't have an honest answer, then that is why you are single. If so, what do you have to do to make yourself more "marketable"?

I sometimes joke that human beings are "three hairs from being baboons", that only about 2% of DNA separates us from chimpanzees. There's a lot of primitive hard-wiring in us. We do have to compete for mates.

As I suggest, honest questions and brutally hard answers.
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I second this! When I started looking in earnest to connect for a relationship i worked to make myself valuable, demonstrate my potential. I applied myself in my career and financially trying to demonstrate what concrete material benefits I could bring to a relationship. Yet, even with this, and becoming more social with activities, I felt that I was never really noticed. [I sometimes wonder if those 30-something women who complain that there are no good men ever noticed those of us who were working hard to give value to our lives. We were probably too dull for them and we moved on, avoiding their baggage.] Most importantly, I had to learn to be vulnerable in approaching women and dating. Learning to control my ego was very important in the care and feeding of relationships. Then after some dating I met my future spouse. Certainly we began as friends, had adventures and fell in love. Being vulnerable with her, making love with a friend, was incredibly satisfying. Plus, it was exciting to finally have a woman accept me sexually. It was a lot of work and emotional ups and downs to get to that, but the work prepared me for the 45 years we have been together.
 
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@NoKipAr on the run

A complement to @Neonatal RRT and @Gerald Wilgus' posts.

A good way to think of your objective is that if you don't change (yourself, your behavior, your goals, ...) your future will look like your past.

So you have a choice that a lot of people turn away from: find and conform to the real world of romantic relationships, or be forever at a competitive disadvantage.

This area in general has the lowest level of accuracy/truthfulness of any human communication except wartime propaganda, politics, and sales. You can't get useful advice via Google (even less from ChatGPT, which can't separate truth from lies /lol).
And you'll never get 100% accurate advice from any multi-person source - wherever you look, all sides are likely to be represented.

A couple of basic facts (not necessarily the most important in this domain):
1. If you've never been approached in public for this purpose before, it won't suddenly start happening.
2. Dating Apps have made things a lot worse.

I assume you're here because (1) has been true for you in the past. If so, forget "modern online dating".

As to what you should do. There's plenty of good advice in this forum, including (but not limited to) from the two users I mentioned above.
What interests me most about the advice is that few of those who ask engage with it. The typical response is to treat it as a "shopping list", and select from it the most comfortable suggestions - i.e. the "no change" ones.

And so their future does tend to resemble their past (though of course nobody can know this until it has become their past :)
 
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You could do what my younger son did think outside the box, he got himself a short course on being a tour guide.
showing new immigrants Toronto, has a relationship with his second attempt and is now a father to a girl. He wanted a girlfriend who was educated got home run she has doctorate. And he was the son with the learning disability when younger I still shake my head. Was in his thirties.
 
If you do not talk of or show your strengths--regularly--prioritize and target in the right places, and act or initiate, you will be left out in most cases. People may assume negative things otherwise or not a fit.

Regardless of what people say, people are more pickier these days because of safety reasons, selfishness, rising costs and/or from seeing failed relationships that end on very bad terms. Many people these days seem to want it all, the best, or to avoid extra risks.
 
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All-Rounder said:
Why is it a nightmare to you? I have only had passing thoughts and loneliness when I was single and young enough to believe there was something wrong with me, and I think I have learned to accept that I wouldn't be social enough or loved enough by others to be able to have a good impression on someone.

Or also got lonely after breakups, because of the hurt and fear, and the sensation of that person gone when I got used to them being there. I get lonely in my relationship, maybe because of lack spent together, its less than half we used to now, and he was emotionally not there or used to want me to accept him engaging in other things whilst doing things with me, which I just don't accept because anyone deserves reciprocity and interest and I've been through the opposite way too many times, it does not work for me especially with the trauma now. And also, he cannot pay attention to both. But also this lonely feeling stems from being hurt, not taken seriously and not understood.

But everyone else in school was pretty much single with some exceptions, so I didn't see dating as this general thing. Also, being in school, it was shamed, when I got my first relationship people were teasing and asking me questions about him which was a drag and even made me feel i was better off single if it were just to end all that. Which eventually happened, of course. It's always a cycle, you'll be single especially if you choose wrong, which we tend to do in youth.
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I find your experiences sad. When young is when we have a tendency to tell ourselves all sort of negative things and will settle for people emotionally unavailable. I think I missed negative choices because first I had to cope with social isolation and its effects so that by the time I was ready for connection I had developed my own agency and wide ranging interests. I would not have been a good companion before then. My strategy with women was to be interesting enough and emotionally generous so that they would have the opportunity to see my potential. Sometimes it worked, other times it didn't. Then by happenstance I met my future spouse and it seems like the red string of fate connected us. I have never regretted life with her.
 
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