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can't get a girlfriend. Any thoughts or Advice? X_X
- Thread starter NoKipAr on the run
- Start date
AquaineBay
New Member
Considering just about 2 weeks ago you were talking about how being alone was a nightmare, I would say that it's not a good idea. It almost sounds like you are operating from a place of desperation at the moment which as we know people can pick up from a mile away(reason being that you referred to dating her as a "remedy" which is a unhealthy mindset no one should enter into dating or relationships).
Who is this girl? How long have you been talking to each other? Does she even know you have a crush on her? Moving is a big deal, she might not be in the head-space to even consider dating anyone at the moment. Just some things to consider before you rush headlong into something.
undertheradar
Active Member
I think this is a terrible piece of advice
undertheradar
Active Member
My suggestion would be this, figure out what your goal is in dating... And honestly if it's anything less than a permanent partner in life with intent to date, it's a waste of time. In fact it will consume so much of your time and your energy... That it will probably be very overwhelming
Instead, I would suggest this, figure out what type of a person you might want to be paired with for the rest of your life
Once you have an idea who that person may be, not actually who this person is, but rather what this person is like, except the fact that this person may not exist as you envision them
Then, now that you accept the fact that they may not exist, try to figure out which of those qualities are most important to you.
Now you have a general idea of what type of person might meet your requirements.
Now the next step would be to figure out where you might meet that person
Understand that the fact that you don't have this person in your life now means that you are unlikely to meet this person and places where you have tried to meet them before
Once you figure out where you might meet them, and I would suggest places like social clubs or churches,... Which is going to be hard
I would also suggest keeping sex completely out of the mix until you are married... The reality is I can speak from experience, sex makes people do foolish things and make horrible decisions
The problem is if we build a relationship and it is based first on a sexual connection, we are unlikely to make a sound decision. More importantly there will come a time when the sex lessons or even stops completely. If your relationship is built only on sex, or even on sex as a foundation, everything else will come tumbling down... It's not a matter of if but when
I've done it too many times
The only successful relationship I have had has been my second marriage... All of my dating ended poorly, my first marriage ended poor light... But my second marriage is going extremely well... This is exactly the path that I followed. This path was explained to me by someone I trust.
Instead, I would suggest this, figure out what type of a person you might want to be paired with for the rest of your life
Once you have an idea who that person may be, not actually who this person is, but rather what this person is like, except the fact that this person may not exist as you envision them
Then, now that you accept the fact that they may not exist, try to figure out which of those qualities are most important to you.
Now you have a general idea of what type of person might meet your requirements.
Now the next step would be to figure out where you might meet that person
Understand that the fact that you don't have this person in your life now means that you are unlikely to meet this person and places where you have tried to meet them before
Once you figure out where you might meet them, and I would suggest places like social clubs or churches,... Which is going to be hard
I would also suggest keeping sex completely out of the mix until you are married... The reality is I can speak from experience, sex makes people do foolish things and make horrible decisions
The problem is if we build a relationship and it is based first on a sexual connection, we are unlikely to make a sound decision. More importantly there will come a time when the sex lessons or even stops completely. If your relationship is built only on sex, or even on sex as a foundation, everything else will come tumbling down... It's not a matter of if but when
I've done it too many times
The only successful relationship I have had has been my second marriage... All of my dating ended poorly, my first marriage ended poor light... But my second marriage is going extremely well... This is exactly the path that I followed. This path was explained to me by someone I trust.
Why do you think it's terrible? I would say it highly depends on the individual, same with marriage.
Marriage would destroy my life, having low enough executive dysfunction and dreading going through divorce and drama for more months than necessary, especially for someone inexperienced in choosing, though I have a massive list of (failed) experience behind me, I choose to never have it. Marriage is not a mental state, it's just an array of paper. The decision is in the mind of the people and many marriages, 40% end in divorce and many end in disaster and facilitate stalking. Slightly less chance of divorce if you're an atheist like me, however that didnt convince me it offers anything of substance to my life or a romantic life.
My recent engagement has caused me way more trouble than help. You also have said that you're on your second marriage, so marriage didn't offer you more success. Perhaps it's not about marriage but evolution of choice of partners? I think it takes more than dedication, as 40% of the married people experience, for a relationship to work.
In our days the tradition of marriage has lost its meaning, not a bad change actually as I don't view remaining in unhappy marriages a positive, as well as the sex worker business gaining legality in some states which has allowed for more safety for all parties involved.
Having experience and the virginity pressure taken off a romantic relationship and the apparent desperation would ease up the beginning of a new relationship that is supposed to last. However I suspect that meeting people might be more the trouble.
Having a sex buddy is arguably hard for us autistic people as we never make friends and it comes very hard for us to go about connecting to peers, so it's just easier to buy it. However technically, it is not a physiologic issue, it is an issue of psychology, so the better thing to do would be go to a psychologist to see why the issue of virginity is so big for the person or why they think it should make such a change. As a person with experience, I still feel like a virgin because the sex I had did not satisfy me yet, emotionally. I'm a demisexual and sapiosexual, though, so I suspect other people might disagree.
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Midnights11
Member
“Reluctant virgin” So you’re implying there’s something wrong with a person socially if they’re a virgin. Well to me it’s a good thing and rare in today’s hyper sex world
Midnights11
Member
I’m still a virgin at 29. At least I’m healthy . If I have sex someday I will, but I don’t think that will happen anytime soon since no one has really found me attractive. So even if it never happens I’m still ok. Besides enjoy your single life while you can. I think romance is a bit overrated. Once you have a partner, you have to really put that person’s needs selflessly above your own. I know you meant well but I would have been careful how you worded this, as it implies something is seriously wrong with someone if they’re a virgin and if you turn the tables, society thinks it’s wrong to shame someone for sleeping with a lot of people
I had normal desires but the social dysfunction of my autism prevented me from establishing any relationship.
Midnights11
Member
Exactly. Same with me
I found that stressful as I was socially isolated and saw no way forward until an older hippie couple befriended me and demonstrated acceptance and kindness. That, and living independently, caring for myself, led me to the most impactful relationship in my life.
Maybe "reluctant virgin" means that he was reluctant to try to conquer, like a very shy virgin who wants to begin his adult life but would not have the courage to make a connection.
I found it very interesting that men in general and particularly on the spectrum may miss cues and signals from girls even if they go to their house and ask the guy to sit next to them then the guy answers unawarely "i can sit here just fine" or "im not interested in flavored lipstick" lol and then the girl feels extremely unattractive, becomes outraged and gives up.
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a19946689/why-men-don-t-get-your-subtle-hints/
Midnights11
Member
A connection is so much more than just sex. If you think it’s always about sex you have a lot to learn. Remember that sex is also about one night stands. That ain’t no connection, just a temporary high and then on to the next person. Being a virgin isn’t hurting anyone. As a woman at 29, I am. If I’m behind or old fashioned according to some people, so be it. I still enjoy my life.
Reading all of this, l could argue for and against relationships. I am in two year recovery of getting over someone l dated. It's difficult. It's become less of a memory, however it still hurts. Things beyond my control screwed up the connection. So it's misery, with anger about the environmental influences. Hope everything works out for you and your coffee date.
I'm demi and sapio [see above] but OP might not mind just sex to "fix" the virginity problem if it comes easier or one at a time.
I suppose don't push any advancement and take it slow, have it go naturally.
In rl it's a healthier and easier interaction, I hope it's a match and lasts.
You're young and have time to do everything you've missed out on in life.
It is overrated, I personally agree. It has nothing to do if I met the right person or not, as that is irrelevant, as it would not make a difference to me who the person was. I would still say it is overrated by society. For those who put too much importance on a physical relationship I just cannot relate after having gone through that and after seeing a relationship involves lots more than that. Romance or a physical relationship makes up at most a very very small part of most persons activities, interactions and communications in a relationship, if you factor in a 24 hour period.
I get it though that those who did not go through that or who have high or even average sex drives may think it means everything or much more than what I feel its importance.is. I just am more well rounded and less needy and can find pleasures in other things and non-romance things involving my partner. Her and I are on the same page there. It it happens, fine. If not, no problem. It is not going to make us feel any different about the other as we satisfy the other in other ways.
Healthy? Damned straight! You will only regret things that you do not try for. I regret not having the courage to connect with a very nice, attractive, woman I liked working with.
GrownupGirl
Tempermental Artist
I think I may be asexual and aromantic because I have no idea how awful it feels to not have a sex partner. That makes me glad actually, I can't imagine feeling horrible and frustrated because I've gone for weeks, months, or even my whole life without doing it. However it also makes me feel no sympathy or empathy whatsoever for such people.
I think about times in my life where I wanted something so badly I felt like I couldn't live without it, even when it was something trivial in retrospect, like a video game or a toy. I wonder what it's like to feel that way about a real live person. It just seems really silly.
I think about times in my life where I wanted something so badly I felt like I couldn't live without it, even when it was something trivial in retrospect, like a video game or a toy. I wonder what it's like to feel that way about a real live person. It just seems really silly.
I had "sex buddies" and I didnt have to have relationships with people to be able to find meaning and importance in them, and I valued them for what they were and their place in my life at the time, and they were lots of fun as well. It's not always only sex in sex friend relationships and you can request some non-sexual things from sex workers, like getting to know a bit about them across multiple sessions. However some autistic people find that relationship interaction a drag.
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Au Naturel
Au Naturel
More than a few guys get angry or depressed because females aren't interested in them. And sometimes, the women get pretty nasty in how they reject a guy. The rejected guys don't have a clue how to change the situation or even if it is changeable.
In a world where women needed to get married in order to be supported and have a baby to be fulfilled, eventually, most guys would find a woman. That world is long gone. Women don't need men for anything in particular; they are optional. Single motherhood has become mainstream and sisterhood is powerful. Better to swipe left and stay alone than to hang out with someone uninteresting.
The result is a subculture of angry or depressed misogynists.
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