can't get a girlfriend. Any thoughts or Advice? X_X

[Sasha22]

Looking at the above description of the desirable male mate made me wonder if you've got an idea of what a great female partner would be for you. I don't just mean pretty or nice, but something a bit more specific. I always thought I had clear criteria in my mind (strong, driven, brave) and out of the blue I ran into a guy who checked all the boxes. It had a bit of an electroshock effect as I realized I was a match to the guy in my head, but I didn't see myself as a match in real life. That really contributed to me hitting the gas in terms of my own self-improvement.
My point is, I think you have to have some kind of idea of what your fundamental criteria are, and work to find a match and be worthy of them.

 

[Swansong]

Aren't there studies pointing towards a very significant percentage of people with autism not having any friends?, I imagine that the percentage would be even higher for those without a romantic partner.

Sadly I don't think there's much you can do, short of dedicating your entire being and existence to try and mask your condition as much as humanly possible and even then that's hardly a guarantee of anything and even if worked at least once, you'd be spending so much effort an energy just on having something that most people have without nowhere near as much effort and there's still plenty of people in relationships that are deeply unhappy.

I had a couple of girlfriends when I was younger, not really sure how that happened, and while those were positive experiences they didn't really change anything. You're still the same person no matter who's next to you, even if companionship obviously gives some solace.

If anything, personally I wish I could still have close friends above a girlfriend, they provide much of what you need emotionally without many of the difficulties and challenges of a relationship.

 

[paloftoon]

Maybe consider something casual, but investigate learning about protection and your risk tolerance.
Your risk tolerance can always change.
Remember, 99% casual, someone will probably get hurt emotionally. So, try not to get too involved and personal, or state/build up to that's you want all that without the pressure of building toward commitment.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

My man, I don’t have any advice, but I do have some encouragement.

If I can get a girlfriend, *anyone* can get a girlfriend.

I’m not just saying this, I sincerely believe it.

You go be your loving self and show women what you’re made of.

 

[Jonn]

Aren't there studies pointing towards a very significant percentage of people with autism not having any friends?, I imagine that the percentage would be even higher for those without a romantic partner.

That is what I saw when I did some research years ago.

 

[Ella Spell]

Date whoever you want. Gender shouldn't be a consideration if you're interested in someone.

 

[Au Naturel]

The only good reason a woman hangs out with a man is because life is better with him than without him. The only reason a woman stays with that man is that life is better with him than with anyone else available. The same is true of why a man stays with a woman.

What makes life better? It varies wildly from one woman to the next. However, it isn't always the same as what attracts her to a man initially. That is often pretty facile. Shared interests and attitudes towards life are your best bet.

I imagine the same would be true in a same-gender partnership. But... I have less experience in that.

 

[Ella Spell]

The only reason a woman stays with that man is that life is better with him than with anyone else available.

Uhhhhh --- I think you meant to say "it's because they really like being with that person."
It doesn't need to be a contest of their partner vs. all other people.

Some of us would happily be single if it weren't for the incredible person we met.
Other people aren't even a consideration.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I am sick of being single.

Hell!


you've all heard why I can't bring myself to get a lover.
so how much more different would it be with a man or Transgender person given that I am Pansexual.

I was told that I should look on an Autism forum for an Autistic girlfriend, which was my cousin's idea.

I CAN'T BE SINGLE OR A VIRGIN ANYMORE.
I'M ALMOST 30!

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I CAN'T DO IT.

YOU HEAR ME?

I. DON'T. WANT. TO. TAKE. THIS. NIGHTMARE. ANY. MORE.

Please?

Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for.

I will say, from experience, many relationships will convince you not to want one. It's easy to desire from a place of inexperience--just be careful what you're getting into.

 

[All-Rounder]

I find your experiences sad. When young is when we have a tendency to tell ourselves all sort of negative things and will settle for people emotionally unavailable. I think I missed negative choices because first I had to cope with social isolation and its effects so that by the time I was ready for connection I had developed my own agency and wide ranging interests. I would not have been a good companion before then. My strategy with women was to be interesting enough and emotionally generous so that they would have the opportunity to see my potential. Sometimes it worked, other times it didn't. Then by happenstance I met my future spouse and it seems like the red string of fate connected us. I have never regretted life with her.

I had my own strategies, based on which I could always get myself into all types of relationships, or be stolen from my happy singlehood while trying not to be, but somehow never were the right ones. My forst relationship was amongst the best, luckily and unluckily for me, but he had to leave the city and my parents stole ability to contact him. He was questionable anyway, too sexual for that age and a little too old for me, though I was kept away from it happening by my hypercontrolling parents. Sad to say but the only partners for that experience were my abusers. And that still leaves me feeling like a virgin today.

my only advice is to like and be liked. It's the secret to everything and it can't be feigned. There is nothing that will make you more likeable either, neither more attracted to someone. At least, that's what I lived and learned. When I tried least and tried more to be unattractive, it was when I was attractive the most. It really is shocking how the world works. So I learned being more like you are is actually a benefit, not a downside lol. Which worked just my way, being a weirdo. Most people never grasp this concept, grow into their old age and still think it counts to anything.

I'll have to second the friendship thing. There is never enough friendship before a relationship, I remember I was so against it because it used to be used against me. Don't be scared of friendship if it happens. In fact, Make it happen.

I think masks can be utterly dertimental when entering a relationship, because the idea is to get a personality match, not some mask match, behind which there is someone the person doesn't fit. It's pointless in the end, it's just a matter of time until they find out you are not who you acted like to fulfil this idea of attractiveness. Btw i never wore masks, this was an experience because my spectrum exes wore one. They were actually not the affectionate people I was set to believe, and that's okay, but not for me.

 

[AspieChris]

NoKipAr
You sound angry about your situation. Assuming that I’m correct, I can tell you that any relationship always starts in a happy note. Even women who are in an abusive relationship will say that he was really nice in the beginning.

My advice is to go out into the world and find something that you love to do, and do it until your so awesome at it that people want to be around you. Eventually…. someone will want to be around you all day and all night. That’s how the best and most meaningful relationships always begin.

And as for sex…. It’s surprisingly unsatisfying when it’s forced. When your partner just loves who you are, then it’s just fun for them (and you). And it happens A LOT, especially in the beginning.

And make sure that you’re always clean, manicured, and smell good. I get the impression that you’re an Alpha. You’d be surprised to know how many Betas out there are turned off by a man who smells bad, or doesn’t brush his teeth every day. It really helps to iron your clothes every day, even when it’s just a T-shirt and jeans.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I had my own strategies, based on which I could always get myself into all types of relationships, or be stolen from my happy singlehood while trying not to be, but somehow never were the right ones. My forst relationship was amongst the best, luckily and unluckily for me, but he had to leave the city and my parents stole ability to contact him. He was questionable anyway, too sexual for that age and a little too old for me, though I was kept away from it happening by my hypercontrolling parents. Sad to say but the only partners for that experience were my abusers. And that still leaves me feeling like a virgin today.

my only advice is to like and be liked. It's the secret to everything and it can't be feigned. There is nothing that will make you more likeable either, neither more attracted to someone. At least, that's what I lived and learned. When I tried least and tried more to be unattractive, it was when I was attractive the most. It really is shocking how the world works. So I learned being more like you are is actually a benefit, not a downside lol. Which worked just my way, being a weirdo. Most people never grasp this concept, grow into their old age and still think it counts to anything.

I'll have to second the friendship thing. There is never enough friendship before a relationship, I remember I was so against it because it used to be used against me. Don't be scared of friendship if it happens. In fact, Make it happen.

I think masks can be utterly dertimental when entering a relationship, because the idea is to get a personality match, not some mask match, behind which there is someone the person doesn't fit. It's pointless in the end, it's just a matter of time until they find out you are not who you acted like to fulfil this idea of attractiveness. Btw i never wore masks, this was an experience because my spectrum exes wore one. They were actually not the affectionate people I was set to believe, and that's okay, but not for me.

Oh, the crazy paths we take in finding connection and a good relationship. I learned how to recognize accepting people and those with an agenda. I courted disaster nearly being involved with an IRA bagwoman whose ex was in prison, then there were the dates that seemed only me being a handy diversion.

I agree that friendship is important. I cold called a woman I did not know to see about ride sharing for a national Sierra Club outing. Before meeting (we were 300 miles apart) we talked frequently about gear, training, and preparation, becoming friends in the process. We had adventures on the road and I had no anxiety about being vulnerable to her. Her acceptance of me was stunning and it was the sweetest feeling to make love with such a friend. I was a virgin, but later she said that she did not know that because I was attentive to her pleasure. We were married on the year anniversary of our meeting. 44 years later and tomorrow I will be making Blintzes with Cherries for us to have breakfast in bed.

 

[Au Naturel]

It's pointless in the end, it's just a matter of time until they find out you are not who you acted like

Bingo!

It is better to be alone than to live in a closet because you're afraid of what your significant other might think.

It is better to be alone than in bad company. There's a lot of bad company out there.

Alone is not a bad thing. Alone is freedom. People think it is bad because they do not value the good things they already have and fixate on the things they have not.

 

[All-Rounder]

Oh, the crazy paths we take in finding connection and a good relationship. I learned how to recognize accepting people and those with an agenda. I courted disaster nearly being involved with an IRA bagwoman whose ex was in prison, then there were the dates that seemed only me being a handy diversion.

I was used by many friends who needed my help, then the first time I needed theirs they kicked me to the curb.

Currently I have developed a positive friendship that started like that, by really being open with my feelings and what is happening in my life, and somehow it got through instead of being rejected again. So I got a bit of support from the friend and actually felt like I have felt in childhood when I had friends, for the first time again because we also had fun conversations and hanged out.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That is wonderful that you found a good friend. I had been used by somebody I thought of as a friend and I learned from that.

 

[AspieChris]

That is wonderful that you found a good friend. I had been used by somebody I thought of as a friend and I learned from that.

I have learned in the last few years that I have been ‘used’ by most of the people in my life. Some took advantage of my intelligence. Some used me for my physical strength. Even my old girlfriends used me because they just wanted a man to take care of them. Very few have simply wanted my company because I am a good person.

And finding a girlfriend who who only wants to exploit whatever she thinks you have will always end in disaster. The goal is to find a partner in life.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have learned in the last few years that I have been ‘used’ by most of the people in my life. Some took advantage of my intelligence. Some used me for my physical strength. Even my old girlfriends used me because they just wanted a man to take care of them. Very few have simply wanted my company because I am a good person.

And finding a girlfriend who who only wants to exploit whatever she thinks you have will always end in disaster. The goal is to find a partner in life.

That is where I have been most fortunate. I fell for my future spouse because of her personality, values and interests, plus, she was very kind and accepting, calming me when my mind panicked at going far beyond my comfort zone when I was afraid of ruining our budding friendship. We have been supportive of each other, acting as friends, partners, and lovers. But we both brought strengths to our relationship to care for each other. There are so many of both sexes who are immature, selfish, and self involved . . . and the divorce rate seems to bear this out.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Shared interests and attitudes towards life are your best bet.

Find that, and I gaurantee that things will fall into place.

 

[Au Naturel]

My suggestion is that one not be afraid of "being used." Learn to say no when it is a real imposition. If you say yes, accept up front there's no quid pro quo.

The only reason to help someone is that helping them makes you feel good. Feeling good about what you did has to be the reward. Never expect a favor to be returned and you won't be hurt when it isn't.

 

[NoKipAr on the run]

okay, Guys.....I don't think I have too much time to read all this, but I think I may have a
remedy: I have a crush (a considerable one, too) on this girl who might be moving
back to my hometown. and I'm gonna ask her out for a coffee.

or to hang out.

how does that sound? Healthy?

that's what I thought.