can't understand the world

[saraaa]

I'm new here and I just need one person to assure me than im not alone in this. If you knew me you would never even think im Autistic, because I have learned to mask from a young age, but since I'm 4 I have troubles understanding the people and the world around me. Now I'm 21 and I spend the whole night crying because of the fact that I don't know what we are doing on this earth and why the people around me act like they know. Because I question every single thing I just ended up being nihilistic, and it's like a fight against myself. (excuse my English, I'm from Germany)

 

[Forest Cat]

Hallo Germany, I don't have any idea what we are doing here on earth either. But we are here so we should make the best of it and have fun.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Being capable of making decisions on a hunch or guessing isn't really the same as knowing what's going on. You've already lived for 21 years without needing to know. That's no small amount.

 

[Alexandria]

I'm new here and I just need one person to assure me than im not alone in this. If you knew me you would never even think im Autistic, because I have learned to mask from a young age, but since I'm 4 I have troubles understanding the people and the world around me. Now I'm 21 and I spend the whole night crying because of the fact that I don't know what we are doing on this earth and why the people around me act like they know. Because I question every single thing I just ended up being nihilistic, and it's like a fight against myself. (excuse my English, I'm from Germany)

I hear you, @saraaa - You are not alone.

Masking can take the life out of us and it can be difficult to readjust and find the self after years of doing so. I know, because I have been there. Only in recent years have I been able to come to know and to be my self. It's liberating and one often begins to see things in a different way. You might find it helpful to drop the mask little by little and as much as possible in order that you can reveal your self (for your own sake) to others.

I know it can seem like the world is hell bent on self destruction. It can be difficult to see beyond the media hype at times out into a place where people are working towards rectifying all those wrongs that keep you up at night. Seek them out, perhaps - and come to know that you too can add your voice or actions to positively impact the wider world at large. You might be surprised at how it effects the inner self along the way.

 

[Tom]

I do not know if I have shared your perspective. I have never heard it put exactly that way before. But I can say I have experienced a type of struggle with life from a young age, that others around me did not seem to experience. And realizing it was different and that different often prompts mockery, I usually kept silent about it.

 

[Hypnalis]

@saraaa

I'll let you in to a "not secret but it might as well be".

NT's have no idea why they do what they do either. If you ignore what they say, and pay attention to what they do, and think about the nature of the gap between those two, you'll see plenty of evidence.

There's more to this story, but I won't go on. Instead, two questions:

Why is a "greater purpose" necessary to you?
If you really believed (100%) what I said about NT's above, would it help you find your balance in the NT-dominated world?

NB: "I said if you believed" because I do already.
I've found it to be accurate enough (it's hard to test, so that's as good as it can ever be), and very useful in practice.

 

[Duna]

Can relate to what you describe, happened to me and it still does.
I lost all masking ability during the covid situation and because of some bad stuff that happened shortly before, I'm not even willing to relearn how to mask.
I will write you a better answer, right now I'm in a bad place dealing with a problem. Wrote this so It'll appear on my list and I don't lose the thread (Faden verlieren? Though that means something else I think)

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

From an early age I could never understand people. I could not process social communication and thought such interactions were arbitrary. Comparatively I could understand the world easily enough and saw the Cosmos as naturalistic and materialistic. There was never any room in that view for the supernatural. It was freeing for me.

 

[Rodafina]

I just need one person to assure me than im not alone in this

How about tons of us assuring you of that?

You are not alone here

 

[AutumnXR]

Ever since I was small, I have had a feeling that the world makes no sense to me, and felt like I was some kind of completely blank slate that just wasn't getting filled, completely absent of any wisdom. An ingenu, basically.

But I slowly found that all this waiting and watching for awareness was actually very important. That instinct that the world is senseless (for me) was something I had to move towards and give detail to. In other words, I responded to the void with curiosity - but not a nihilistic attraction to it. I wanted to find out what meaning I could find in it. And, yes, that is sometimes overwhelming and frightening, because I was (and am) always facing things like mortality, other people's intentionality and selfishness and bias and misogyny and racism etc etc etc, but my desire to understand is much stronger than any fear.

And the main thing I have discovered is how thin people's sense of this world is, of its deep historical threads and implications, and so how superficial our responses to one another often are. But also how incredible so much of it is - in the skills we find, in our cultural responses, in our will and our necessity for truth, and in the evolution of our sense of self and our own perceptions.

I recently had my first child, a girl, and late in life. And when I think of what I want her to take away from how ever much time I have with her, it's this: that she have the confidence in her own capacity to make sense of herself and to face and find solutions to whatever she encounters, but that this confidence means she accept what she cannot change and (as the saying goes) has the courage - and curiosity - to change what she can. Because she is worth it and life is worth it, and the world is one hell of an arena to find herself in. But first she has to stop throwing herself towards me off chairs, before I have the chance to catch her.

 

[mollusk]

I'm new here and I just need one person to assure me than im not alone in this. If you knew me you would never even think im Autistic, because I have learned to mask from a young age, but since I'm 4 I have troubles understanding the people and the world around me. Now I'm 21 and I spend the whole night crying because of the fact that I don't know what we are doing on this earth and why the people around me act like they know. Because I question every single thing I just ended up being nihilistic, and it's like a fight against myself. (excuse my English, I'm from Germany)

Hey saraaa, I can relate- I'm also new here and I've only just found out that I'm probably on the spectrum. Similarly, most other people would never be able to tell because I mask a lot as well. A lot about other people doesn't make sense to me, but my perspective is that while I'm living I might as well experience what I can and find ways to enjoy life. I find it almost amusing how much other people act like they know what's going on, given we all randomly came into existence one day. I guess I basically just observe the world around me with curiosity and usually try to accept the craziness behind it all in the process of finding ways to love life.

 

[Luca]

Hi Sara, welcome

No one in my real life would believe me that I'm autistic either and I've even questioned it myself. But I've found amazing support from the people on this forum and it has given me a sense of belonging, and helped me understand myself better.

Like others have said, no one really knows what we're doing on the earth... but it's good to have people you can talk to, and doing things that you enjoy doing also helps. Hobbies are good to have.
I just try to enjoy myself as much as I can and give myself purpose in life. I love helping others too.
I get sad and upset and depressed sometimes but I do love my life for the most part.

By the way, some of my friends are from Germany
Aneka is a forum member that I really enjoy talking to and she is also German and quite a lovely person.
There are others from Germany here and there are a lot of people here from the Netherlands too.

And @mollusk just said everything I wanted to say, better than I did. Lol
So thanks for explaining it, mollusk

Hope you like it here! And don't hesitate to ask any questions.
- Luca

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there and your English is very good, so no need to be apologetic about that.

I felt so much like you, when I was 21, accept I got married then and it was pretty much a nightmare, because I had no conception of what I was in for ( unknown at that time that I was on the spectrum).

Spent my life trying in vain to just survive; having no answers to perplexing questions. Wondering why I felt so different from other females and could get on with males a lot better.

I know this seems off the track, but each time I was asked what I wanted as a gift, it was always: batteries for my music player ( old style walkman lol). Headphones. Basically, everything practical. Never into make up etc.

I am not good with reaching out to others; but you are most welcome to send me a private message?

Oh, and found answers to life's big questions.

 

[Fino]

I felt pretty much the same way at your age, but then I was healed and became Christian. I still suffer, and I'm still confused by everyone around me, I just do it differently than before.

 

[SusanLR]

I've always wondered why we are here and never felt like I belonged with the
others, nor did I want to be here.

All those changes that seem to come naturally to the world around me, didn't
to me.
From toddler on up, I didn't feel the desire to connect or have other kids for friends.
Puberty didn't create the urges I saw others go through.
Belonging to a the "in" crowd, desire for dating or sexual interests.
Moving on in age, no desire for marriage, children, leaving home or feeling
independent. I felt the same as I always had.
Power, control, the politics of the world, didn't care for the news.

The ways of the world I never understood.
Always said, "I'm in it, not of it."

Nature and animals though feel different. I feel a belonging there.
As a child I watched Grizzly Adams on TV and the theme song always brought
tears to my eyes. My longing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@saraaa,...as you've read from others,...you are not alone.

I had a very emotional incident at work yesterday that reminded me of this. I was up all night trying to sort out all the emotional content and how to deal with it,...I am still trying even as I am writing this post. Just when I think I can intellectualize my way around this world of mine,...emotional events make it quite clear I have no idea what is going on. I think it is one of a list of many reasons why people like us tend to avoid people as we get older,...the anxiety with all the unpredictability of human behavior.

Now, this often leads many of us to question ourselves regarding our purpose in this world,...and if we go down the wrong thought path, can lead towards suicidal ideology. What makes life worth living? What is my purpose in life? How do I deal with the negative reactions from others? Why do people hate me? The list goes on and on.

At some point, we have to come to the conclusions that (1) happiness does not come from others,...it comes from within, (2) we need responsibilities and goals in life,...otherwise we are just aimlessly wandering and existing, and (3) we need to stop seeking approval of others,...it's a fool's errand.

Autism,...the root word is "auto",...meaning "self". As autistics, in order for many of us to be happy with ourselves,...we have to be ourself,...embrace it,...and make every attempt to not let others influence what little happiness we have in this world,...and we need to stop "the wanting to be "normal"". If the people around you are making you unhappy,...seriously,...find new people,...life's too short. "Normal" has never changed the world for the better. "The people who are the best, do it different than the rest."....my mantra in life. At NO point in human history has anyone,...ever,...done exactly the same as everyone else and then made a significant contribution to the world. It has ALWAYS been someone who was different and did different things.

 

[Duna]

Nature and animals though feel different. I feel a belonging there.

Oh that's so true for me, too!

 

[Storm Hess]

If you want to be happy, get out of your own head. Works for me. When I start to feel overwhelmed by those thoughts, I hide away for a little bit and then go back to my outlets...programming, writing music, creating art and exercising. I still deal with horrible, apathetic and self-destructive thoughts and desire to hide away from a world I will never understand. I'd rather conquer the fear and be in the world than be out of it. It is extremely difficult for me to do this...but I still try.

Living is about experiencing the world, not questioning every aspect of it...that road leads to madness. I learned that from my own personal experience. A lot of trial and error. From 8 yrs of age, I didn't have any role model or guide post to go by, so I had to learn on my own in the real world...and I had to adjust and learn quickly when I moved out at 18. If I didn't adapt and have a bit of luck, I would be nothing but wreckage. It was worse at home than struggling on my own.

Play to your strengths and adjust your weaknesses where and when you can...when it becomes overwhleming...stop and rest. You can get over these bumps in the road...make it happen. You have people to turn to on this forum who will help as much as they can.

One thing is certain...you are not alone.

 

[Aspychata]

First, yes autism means self, or to me Dantes Inferno, because l am just trying to get out of my head, as @Storm Hess states. Back to @Neonatal RRT post, I still want the meaning of life. But maybe we all need to discover our individual meaning of life. For each of us it's different. Some of us help animals, some of us tinker with mechanics, and some of us here create beautiful digital images. @SusanLR states my same issues of not wanting to date, l thought guys were weird, and I was just content to float alone in life and play by society's rules. Why l have to create information dumps about everything is too wired in me, my life's meaning seems trivial to me, like I am a endless bean counter. This incessant obsessive quality of gathering information is numbing to me.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Aspychata "...my life's meaning seems trivial to me..."

You and me, sis. Totally agree, but I think this is a bit of trick of the mind in some cases. Nobody is harder on us than ourselves,...we like to downplay our contributions,...we don't appreciate our impact.

Here's the deal, I have been stopped a number of times by parents,...months,...years later. "Hey Mark! Thank you so much!,...YOU (not the nurse, not the doctor) saved my son's/daughter's life that time you did,....!" Now, I barely recognize these parents,...the baby is now a small child,...I don't recognize them,...and I barely remember the event they are describing. It's really quite awkward. It was just another day at work for me. Clearly, what I did, how I conducted myself, within a critical moment,...in the parent's minds,...I saved their child's life. Seriously, that's not a small thing. Something about what I did, stuck with them,...it was an important event in their family's life story,...and I was totally oblivious to the importance of it. Now that I am writing this,...I never really thought much about it before,...but there is meaning in my life,...those babies,...those families.

Of course, I am a husband, a father, a brother, a son, a mentor, an educator,...so there's that, as well.

So,...because we may be oblivious to the our importance,...we may trick ourselves into thinking that our impact upon others is trivial. It's a cruel thing we do to ourselves.

@Aspychata,...seriously,...I wish I could talk to the people around you,...the people you have touched in your life,...the stories they would tell. I hardly think your life's meaning would seem trivial,...and like me,...I think you may have just been a bit oblivious to your impact.

Take care, my friend.