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Confusing relationships with other Aspies

Therefore, you're content?

I don't think it's possible to do everything right and still be unhappy, mostly because I would define "right" as doing that which leads to long-term happiness.

But to be less ambiguous, you're trying to make friends with somebody Autistic and get frustrated with their communication. So you make friends with somebody else who is Autistic and get frustrated with their communication. Next you make friends with somebody else who is Autistic...

And so on.

Unless I misread something. :confused:
 
Well, communication issues are a problem, but also their lack of initiative. They initially give out the signal that they're interested in being friendly (so going out etc), but then they go off into withdrawl.

To me that is confusing.

Anyway, at the moment, I've been messaging back and forth with this guy, over two days - he replies every 4-5 hours.

I asked if he wanted to meet up tomorrow, he suggested going to the beach, but went against it and has not replied to my message asking him where he would like to go instead.

These people are very confusing. Quite difficult to establish if they have lost interest.
 
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I asked him if he was annoyed at me for not contacting him over the Easter Break. He said 'No, I was mostly thinking about my work?'. Aka, I don't care for you.

I was taken aback at that comment - even if that were true, I personally wouldn't say that to someone.Is that not a very rude thing to say to another person?
 
I don't see it as rude, but if I try really hard I feel like I can understand for a second why you might but then it goes away and I'm not sure again.

Perhaps if you were dating, then I could understand that as being rude, since you'd like it if you were a common thought for them.

Unless I missed something and you are dating, and I'm just confused. It's been known to happen.
 
I agree with Fino - it doesn't seem rude on the first reading... It almost feels as if you expect something of the person after only knowing them briefly... It is a tough time for University students these last few months and most people are thinking about exams and coursework so it isn't that surprising that everyone is busy studying. So I don't think he said "I don't care about you" in those words at all.. just saying the truth to someone he doesn't know very well.
 
Fino said:
I don't see it as rude, but if I try really hard I feel like I can understand for a second why you might but then it goes away and I'm not sure again.

Perhaps if you were dating, then I could understand that as being rude, since you'd like it if you were a common thought for them.

Unless I missed something and you are dating, and I'm just confused. It's been known to happen.
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Why would I be dating another man? Stop digging your foot in.

I thought maybe he would be annoyed because I stopped talking to him as soon as I went home, so maybe he thought I was using him.
 
Monachopia said:
I agree with Fino - it doesn't seem rude on the first reading... It almost feels as if you expect something of the person after only knowing them briefly... It is a tough time for University students these last few months and most people are thinking about exams and coursework so it isn't that surprising that everyone is busy studying. So I don't think he said "I don't care about you" in those words at all.. just saying the truth to someone he doesn't know very well.
Click to expand...

It was a bit blunt and rude.
 
Frostee said:
It was a bit blunt and rude.
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Well.. Aspies are not always known for their subtlety and softness when conversing with others. :) That is to say, probably try not to take it too personally, if you can. I understand you were taken aback and put out by the blunt response - I would be too... But I guess, everyone's stressed right now.
 
Monachopia said:
Well.. Aspies are not always known for their subtlety and softness when conversing with others. :) That is to say, probably try not to take it too personally, if you can. I understand you were taken aback and put out by the blunt response - I would be too... But I guess, everyone's stressed right now.
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I'm not sure how to take it. Maybe it's mean't as an indicator that he doesn't want to bother with me, anymore?

The transition from him going out every week to silence is confusing.
 
Frostee said:
Why would I be dating another man? Stop digging your foot in.

I thought maybe he would be annoyed because I stopped talking to him as soon as I went home, so maybe he thought I was using him.
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I don't know what "digging your foot in" means, but why would you NOT be dating a man? It's awesome! I've never seriously dated a woman, though, so I guess I'm not so objective. :eek:

But seriously, why would I assume the sexuality of a stranger on the internet? That would be the insulting thing, not to be open to the possibility of anything. Being offended by openness is a tad silly, and your annoyance with this is a continuation of your consistent annoyance with those in your in-person life. Perhaps you're a bit quick to anger?

And you were hoping he was thinking of you in annoyance? You're mad that he wasn't mad?

This is why I thought of dating. These are the sort of surprising, ridiculous things that occur in relationships.
 
The idea that the fellow was mostly thinking about his work
didn't seem rude in the least to me. It was an opportunity to
ask about how his work was going. Instead of focusing on
yourself (the idea of feeling excluded/ignored.)
 
tree said:
The idea that the fellow was mostly thinking about his work
didn't seem rude in the least to me. It was an opportunity to
ask about how his work was going. Instead of focusing on
yourself (the idea of feeling excluded/ignored.)
Click to expand...

As I say I’m confused.

Before the break, we went out every week. Now he’s passively replying to my messages and not bothering to look at going anywhere.

There’s a big difference between going out every week to “oh I was thinking about my work. I didn’t care if you messaged me”.

I’m not going to bother with him from this point onwards. He seems disinterested.

NB: which is exactly my point about Aspies seeming interested only to flip a switch to disinterest overnight. Leaving me feeling very bewildered!

(Why do they seem to disappear like that? I don’t do this myself, so i’m struggling to think of reasons for someone going no contact, other than a dislike or being fed misinformation from someone else)
 
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Perhaps it's a difference of perspective. When you go out with someone, you think of it as fostering a relationship. When that person, or someone else, goes out with someone, they think of it as the thing they're doing at that moment. It has no long-term implications from their perspective and therefore it wouldn't be any sort of change to not go out again.

That's how I see it with most people I know anyway.
 
Ok here I am again. Still feeling confused.

- He didn’t come to the Aspergers group this week or last week, which is very unusual, given that he is a regular attender.
- I have messaged him a few times, only for a minutes. He has always replied a few hours later.
- He hasn’t suggested going out again.

I don’t know if he is the kind of person who is likely to abandon socialising and focus on studying in exam season, but he is not showing much interest in this Acquaintanceship. I would appreciate it if he would tell me that he is focusing on his work, if that is the case.

I feel disrespected at this point. I put in a lot of effort with this guy. I invited him out every week, started text conversations etc. Only for him to turn round and do a 180 showing complete indifference towards me.

I am not one to throw myself into social situations due to my social anxiety, so this was a major thing for me.

I have came round to the idea that he was “using” the Acquaintanceship to socialise during last term, and has decided to focus on exams/got bored of me, abandoning the Acquaintanceship. So that is hurtful, to feel that someone was “using” you to socialise and then to go on and abandon you without affording you the respect to tell you or caring about your feelings.

I’m not sure what to do. Don’t want to ask because I think he will respond in a way that I was not expecting or view the Acquaintanceship completely differently.

Been wondering if I have said something to offend him? I only gave him £5 for a car ride and wonder if he was annoyed about that? Did he think I was stuck up? Did he think I was odd? Did someone say something to him about me?

Just wondering to myself why Aspies do this and if I have contributed towards this happening? This has happened to me three times now, with three separate Aspies.

Don’t understand why they disappear when everything seems to be going fine. So many puzzling questions that I cannot get the answers to.
 
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Isn't the point of an "acquaintance" that it doesn't involve all this emotional stuff?

I think it's already been answered as best we can "why aspies do this".
 
Frostee said:
NB: which is exactly my point about Aspies seeming interested only to flip a switch to disinterest overnight. Leaving me feeling very bewildered!
Click to expand...

In my experience the above applies to people in general; it's not Aspie specific.

@Frostee - after reading this thread and some of your others, you sound quite hard work. Intense.

A lot of people want friends for lighthearted fun; a diversion. From your posts, it doesn't sound as if you bring that to the relationship.

You also sound very hard on yourself. This will not serve you well in the long run.
 
Eugh this guy is being rude to me now. Ignoring my messages and then saying to me “do you have a problem with my messaging pattern” when I ask him why?

Good god. Wtf did I ever do? I ****ing didn’t do anything on him for him to be so ****ing rude.

I don’t know him that well, so his conduct isn’t the greatest! ;)
 
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