Confusing relationships with other Aspies

[Creep]

No, I have to go clean now. This is the only time I can do it. Can you explain what confuses you? Sometimes clearly identifying the problem can help you arrive at a solution. Good luck.

 

[Frostee]

You don’t need to be rude.

I don’t get what you are trying to say in your message. What do you mean confused expectations?

My issue is really that he’s hard to read and seems to be all over the place regarding our acquaintanceship.

I want more clarity from him so I know where I stand.

 

[Monachopia]

What do you mean - where you stand? It's a casual friendship. In such a relationship there should be no obligations to explain oneself to another and what it may mean for the future.

You made an acquaintance at this point by the sounds of it, who to you is difficult to read because you require (judging from your posts) structure and clear communication on future friendship activity and goals. The thing is - what you require isn't something anyone can tell you. Even best friends don't have such clear-cut boundaries of friendship that are spelled out and communicated at all points. It's a natural - almost organic process. You seem to be trying to force an issue that no one can really explain in words.

What @Creep was trying to say (I think) - is that you have an issue reconciling your EXPECTATION of the friendship (what you think it should look like) and what it ACTUALLY is (the reality of the situation). Both of those are at odds which is creating huge confusion. In some sense you need to reevaluate your friendship goals maybe. Every person you meet is different and will put different levels of effort into it, either because they're unable to give more (for example - maybe they're an introvert), or they're unwilling to, because their focus is elsewhere (like exams and study). I would encourage you to be a little more open to other people's needs and situation and perhaps be a little less demanding on wanting to know things that can't be articulated into words readily. Let friendship happen if it's going to on its own terms, you can't force it... And if it doesn't happen and fizzles out, then that's just how things go sometimes.

 

[Frostee]

What do you mean - where you stand? It's a casual friendship. In such a relationship there should be no obligations to explain oneself to another and what it may mean for the future.

You made an acquaintance at this point by the sounds of it, who to you is difficult to read because you require (judging from your posts) structure and clear communication on future friendship activity and goals. The thing is - what you require isn't something anyone can tell you. Even best friends don't have such clear-cut boundaries of friendship that are spelled out and communicated at all points. It's a natural - almost organic process. You seem to be trying to force an issue that no one can really explain in words.

What @Creep was trying to say (I think) - is that you have an issue reconciling your EXPECTATION of the friendship (what you think it should look like) and what it ACTUALLY is (the reality of the situation). Both of those are at odds which is creating huge confusion. In some sense you need to reevaluate your friendship goals maybe. Every person you meet is different and will put different levels of effort into it, either because they're unable to give more (for example - maybe they're an introvert), or they're unwilling to, because their focus is elsewhere (like exams and study). I would encourage you to be a little more open to other people's needs and situation and perhaps be a little less demanding on wanting to know things that can't be articulated into words readily. Let friendship happen if it's going to on its own terms, you can't force it... And if it doesn't happen and fizzles out, then that's just how things go sometimes.

Hi, thank you for your reply.

I guess I am feeling depressed, reflecting on my four years at University and the substantial struggles that I have had in forming friendships. I can't help but feel depressed as I sit in my room, looking out at ten's of students sunbathing whilst I study, already being emotionally and mentally exhausted.

At this point, I am at the end of my tether with University, academically and socially. It just seems to be one downfall after the other - particularly socially.

With regards to this acquaintance. I guess my issues with him are manifested in my issues with struggling to understand friendships and how they manifest. In the past when I had 'strong' friendships, the friendships manifested in that way. I didn't particularly do anything different in those cases. So although naive, I don't know what's different about this case?

I can't get my head round the idea of not knowing where I stand with someone. How am I supposed to know how much I should commit if I don't know what he wants? Does he want to keep this as an acquaintanceship, does he want to end it entirely after I finish University or does he want it to turn into a Friendship? Him not telling me that he is studying and can't go out is an example of this.

Everyone has disagreed with me that his behaviour is confusing. But to me IT IS, because there is no consistency with him. Sometimes he goes out, other times he does not - in fact often there are issues with him not contacting me for long periods of time. With that then, I don't know if he doesn't want to speak to me anymore - I am not a mind reader.

Most other young people who I see at University don't struggle with this. They always have someone at their disposal to hang out with - I don't. I don't understand how these people are having friendships where they can hang out with people when they see fit. I have to arrange all of this with him in advance and things often don't go ahead. Why does it always feel like I am nagging him when I want to go out? Why can't it just be like everyone else and just casually text an hour or two before and go out somewhere? Why does it have to be a whole debacle, as if we're arranging a holiday?