1) I am prone to strong depression episodes due to being bullied in my developmental years, feeling like I mess up everything I do, and being socially isolated. It ruins my motivation to do things and life feels hopeless. I feel like I am going to just struggle and suffer until I die.
2) I already know I don’t fit in with the culture I live in and so I try to go to places where I think I will do better socially. I always have high expectations and when they aren’t met, I feel disappointed and discouraged.
3) I have an innate difficulty with math and it’s always been misinterpreted as being uninterested in math itself. Instead of getting treatment (Not because I didn’t want it, my parents and teachers just kept thinking it was simply me not being interested in it.), I just got it constantly shoved down my throat. I was also told math is required for every job and getting a degree requires high level mathematical abilities.
4) I feel bad all the time physically due to being overweight, sleep apnea prevents me from getting proper sleep (I use a CPAP.), and exercise is both confusing and overwhelming to me.
One,...I understand that those childhood years,...the years that your brain is developing those neural pathways,...can create certain tendencies and thought patterns. For many years, it does create the person you are. However, you've seriously got to move on from these childhood thought patterns of "trying to please" the people around you,...and failing. You're an adult now,...you pick the people around you,...and if that means NO people around you to disappoint,...fine, so be it. At some point, YOUR happiness matters,...it's YOUR life,...take some control away from other people.
Two,...welcome to autism,...in some ways, you're a visiting alien observer,...sometimes visible to others,...sometimes not. Sometimes accepted,...but not part of the group. Always on the periphery. I've just calmly accepted ALL of it. I don't mind being around some people,...but be clear,...I do NOT NEED them. I know I am different enough from neurotypicals I will never fit in,...and frankly,...have ZERO desire to. I like who I am and wouldn't change it for the world.
Three,...I love math,...I loved calculus, it was an eye opener and really got me excited, but I got to a point where I felt I was doing a lot of trying to fit the formula to the situation and it became quite cumbersome to me,...at least the high level math (differential equations, etc.) that really matters in physics. Now, I am VERY good at understanding how things work and can often predict the results if given a physics or math problem,...but if you asked me to do a mathematical proof,...I really struggle. Give me a multiple choice test and I will crush it,...make me actually write out the proof,...likely fail. Now, realistically, I do not do well in the classroom format,...I am much better learning on my own. I am self-taught in many subjects. I think that is more the autistic style of learning,...the instructor just needs to get out of the way,...we'll ask for help when we need it.
Four,...if you're overweight,...tickle your logic centers with the idea that this is a serious health issue,...because it is. No one needs the psychological drama of "appearance" entering the equation,...as it often does. You cannot exercise your way to a lean body,...it all starts with the diet. But, here's the deal,...frankly, most of the foods we crave,...also cause us to store fat,...a cruel reality. So, what we face is this psychological challenge,...it's not a physical one,...when it comes to changing our eating habits. "Well,...just eat the good foods." Easier said than done,...especially when it requires months, or years of eating foods you might not like to eat. 3500 calories per pound of fat,...this is what you're looking at loosing,...and if you are 20, 40, 60,...160lbs overweight,...it's a daunting thing to consider. BUT,...people do it. That's all on you,...you have to do it for you,...and not for anyone else.
All I can say here,
@Markness,...be selfish,...take charge of yourself,...and stop trying to please other people. Be happy, my friend. To be happy,...that's all on you,...the other people,...they can either make you less or more happy,...but that first 90% is ALL you.
