Continuous Struggle

[Markness]

Were you aware, at all, that anyone had been grocery
shopping, returned, and might want help bringing in
the purchases?

No, I was resting in my room and did not hear them bringing things in. My door was shut and the CPAP’s sound fills my ears.

What can you do to remind yourself that it's the day to
take out the recycling?

I don’t know yet.

 

[Darkkin]

Visual reminders for chores like garbage and recycling can help. If you work the same day garbage needs to go out, put a note on the door at eye level.

Or if you are out and about, text mom: Need me to pick up anything on the way home? It never hurts to ask. If they are out maybe ask about when they will be back, what they are doing, and possible expectations. Basic communication needs to happen. It is critical for anyone to thrive.

Maybe a conversation about chore distribution needs to happen. Set clear and reasonable expectations. It is part of conscious involvement in one's environment.

A very hard but huge step: Offer an oliver branch. Ask. What can I do to help out?

It is a step that can truly help dial down homelife stress and improve life for everyone involved.

 

[Markness]

Visual reminders for chores like garbage and recycling can help. If you work the same day garbage needs to go out, put a note on the door at eye level.

Or if you are out and about, text mom: Need me to pick up anything on the way home? It never hurts to ask. If they are out maybe ask about when they will be back, what they are doing, and possible expectations. Basic communication needs to happen. It is critical for anyone to thrive.

Maybe a conversation about chore distribution needs to happen. Set clear and reasonable expectations. It is part of conscious involvement in one's environment.

A very hard but huge step: Offer an oliver branch. Ask. What can I do to help out?

It is a step that can truly help dial down homelife stress and improve life for everyone involved.

My mother and I have a strained family relationship. She doesn’t want me to improve as a person, her control freak nature has sabotaged my life, and she doesn’t want me to have a girlfriend.

 

[Darkkin]

My mother and I have a strained family relationship. She doesn’t want me to improve as a person, her control freak nature has sabotaged my life, and she doesn’t want me to have a girlfriend.

Harsh reality about relationships. They run both ways. You say you want a girlfriend. Any significant other is going to expect help with basic life skills like taking out the garbage or making a grocery run.

These basic tasks help ensure you have the skills to take care of you and also allow you to contribute meaningfully to something that matters. Being conscious of realistic, reasonable expectations of other members of a living situation is the first step toward making a change toward one's goals.

 

[Markness]

Harsh reality about relationships. They run both ways. You say you want a girlfriend. Any significant other is going to expect help with basic life skills like taking out the garbage or making a grocery run.

These basic tasks help ensure you have the skills to take care of you and also allow you to contribute meaningfully to something that matters. Being conscious of realistic, reasonable expectations of other members of a living situation is the first step toward making a change toward one's goals.

Why are you assuming I wouldn’t do those things? This incident with my stepfather only went the way it did because I wasn’t aware of what he wanted me to do. I wasn’t even awake when he arrived home with the stuff.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me wanting to have a romantic partner. Some people here seem to think it’s a bad thing.

 

[Thinx]

To be fair, @Markness, you already said you didn't do the things, it's not an assumption that you wouldn't, you mentioned that you hadn't.

And the bit you might not be getting, is that each of us is responsible for doing our tasks, not for meaning to do them if reminded, we have to work out how to be there to do them at the required time. It's not unreasonable to expect this of an adult in the household.

Again, if you can't think of ways to ensure you can get your tasks done, it can be hard for the others at home, whether they are parents or partners.

Lots of responders here have suggested strategies or ways to approach avoiding difficulties of missing doing tasks and therefore putting more work on the stepdad. Maybe read what you told us again, and see better why we answered the way we have. People are trying to help, but it's hard for you to see that I think.

 

[Markness]

To be fair, @Markness, you already said you didn't do the things, it's not an assumption that you wouldn't, you mentioned that you hadn't.

And the bit you might not be getting, is that each of us is responsible for doing our tasks, not for meaning to do them if reminded, we have to work out how to be there to do them at the required time. It's not unreasonable to expect this of an adult in the household.

Again, if you can't think of ways to ensure you can get your tasks done, it can be hard for the others at home, whether they are parents or partners.

Lots of responders here have suggested strategies or ways to approach avoiding difficulties of missing doing tasks and therefore putting more work on the stepdad. Maybe read what you told us again, and see better why we answered the way we have. People are trying to help, but it's hard for you to see that I think.

I was only talking about what happened during this particular incident. I have done the tasks before when I’ve remembered to do them.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have to bring down the garbage every Sunday and Wednesday night even after walking home from the useless life group I go too.

 

[Markness]

I know you struggle with things and you are depressed. Being depressed makes everything more difficult. Part of my point is that I think it would help you to not have people having to tell you to do simple small chores. Having more pride and faith in yourself and getting it done. I don't think it's healthy to have people nagging you about such things, over time. It wears you down. But I'm guessing being depressed and thinking about problems makes everything more difficult.

I don’t disagree that I should do chores. I felt like I was being accused of not ever doing them. What happened yesterday and today were just hiccups.

 

[Darkkin]

It was merely an example of strategies that can help improve communication and clarify expectations. Do the thing, give yourself credit for it.

The point that seems to be missed is that most people understood why SD was frustrated. Yes, he could have communicated more clearly, but as a contributing member of the home environment active engagement helps. Whether it is doing the thing, setting a reminder, or being preemptive.

e.g. My heart function has been bad this week. Very bad. The angina nearly constant. As such, we haven't had much in the way of dishes, but my best friend, bless her did the dishes without being asked. I had been planning to do them when I got off work, but I came home and found them done. At that moment, I felt as if someone handed me the moon because it was one less thing I had to do.

People can hand you all the tools in the world, but they do no one any good if we don't practice with them. And going to toss something in the bin and finding it empty. It's a win, like hitting a string of traffic lights on green.

The whole point is start small with chores and communication. Those skills are critical in order to reach the big things we really want.

Learning the value of the little things might seem like a waste of time, but it teaches us to value who we are right now, not some idealized version 2.0 and then proclaiming one's continuous failure because they have not reached 2.0.

Use the ladder, even if you have to build it rung by rung.

 

[Markness]

It was merely an example of strategies that can help improve communication and clarify expectations. Do the thing, give yourself credit for it.

The point that seems to be missed is that most people understood why SD was frustrated. Yes, he could have communicated more clearly, but as a contributing member of the home environment active engagement helps. Whether it is doing the thing, setting a reminder, or being preemptive.

e.g. My heart function has been bad this week. Very bad. The angina nearly constant. As such, we haven't had much in the way of dishes, but my best friend, bless her did the dishes without being asked. I had been planning to do them when I got off work, but I came home and found them done. At that moment, I felt as if someone handed me the moon because it was one less thing I had to do.

People can hand you all the tools in the world, but they do no one any good if we don't practice with them. And going to toss something in the bin and finding it empty. It's a win, like hitting a string of traffic lights on green.

The whole point is start small with chores and communication. Those skills are critical in order to reach the big things we really want.

Learning the value of the little things might seem like a waste of time, but it teaches us to value who we are right now, not some idealized version 2.0 and then proclaiming one's continuous failure because they have not reached 2.0.

Use the ladder, even if you have to build it rung by rung.

I’d feel like I am actually climbing the ladder if my efforts actually went somewhere. The set backs I’ve been having this year are discouraging and it’s upsetting for me to see people I know having victories without seemingly having trouble while I keep getting doors slammed and locked in my face. It’s causing me to have a quarter life crisis.

 

[Darkkin]

it’s upsetting for me to see people I know having victories

This line right here. This speaks of envy and/or resentment. You are not them, they are not you.

Their victory is their victory. Why get upset about it?

Logically, consider what that expenditure of emotion brings. Does it benefit anyone?

Is the resentment reasonable? (And there are times when resentment entirely valid.) e.g. Does it directly affect schedules, home environments, work, income, etc.

OR

Is it somebody else got something new and it isn't fair that you didn't?

Look at the emotion from a conscious standpoint and examine the feeling. Rationally speaking, why shouldn't others succeed?

You've had a plethora of tools suggested and sometimes one needs to gather the tools and materials to build the ladder before climbing.

 

[Markness]

This line right here. This speaks of envy and/or resentment. You are not them, they are not you.

Their victory is their victory. Why get upset about it?

Logically, consider what that expenditure of emotion brings. Does it benefit anyone?

Is the resentment reasonable? (And there are times when resentment entirely valid.) e.g. Does it directly affect schedules, home environments, work, income, etc.

OR

Is it somebody else got something new and it isn't fair that you didn't?

Look at the emotion from a conscious standpoint and examine the feeling. Rationally speaking, why shouldn't others succeed?

You've had a plethora of tools suggested and sometimes one needs to gather the tools and materials to build the ladder before climbing.

I am only upset because I can’t seem to get anywhere despite my best efforts. It makes me wonder what’s so wrong with me that I can’t get better despite my desires. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and express them only in the ways I know how to.

I am honestly thinking of just seceding completely now. I am tired of not being able to post about any achievements despite struggling for so long and getting unfairly assumed to be a misogynist.

 

[Markness]

I really feel unwelcome here now.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I really feel unwelcome here now.

Me too from certain members who keep replying negative about my relationship or lack of them.

 

[Markness]

I just want to have a special partner but having autism and living in an abrasive culture has denied me love.

 

[Markness]

I feel like my past is marked by failure so my future is already decided.

 

[tree]

I feel like my past is marked by failure so my future is already decided.

That's what you feel.

What do you think?

 

[Markness]

That's what you feel.

What do you think?

I want to know if it’s possible to have a better life before I die.

 

[tree]

@Markness
I feel like my past is marked by failure so my future is already decided.

That is an example of one of the harmful non-rational
beliefs people sometimes hold:

The idea that past history is an all-important determiner of your present behavior & because something once strongly affected your life, it should indefinitely have a similar effect.