Continuous Struggle

[tree]

Nobody said you don't feel frustrated.

It's possible to live in that experience.

I'm not saying it's fun.

What I want to get across is that you don't have to
keep telling yourself that frustration is terrible and worth
killing yourself over.

 

[Markness]

Nobody said you don't feel frustrated.

It's possible to live in that experience.

I'm not saying it's fun.

What I want to get across is that you don't have to
keep telling yourself that frustration is terrible and worth
killing yourself over.

I just constantly feel like the gates keep getting shut on me the older I get and the more I fail. I fear that the time for me to have a partner might already be passed and I should kill myself.

The meaning of Torschlusspanik

 

[tree]

You like scary stories?

 

[Markness]

You like scary stories?

If they are told well, I do.

 

[tree]

If they are told well, I do.

You keep telling them to yourself.

That it's awful, terrible, shameful, horrible to
"fail" socially, to not have a gf by some
specific deadline...etc

So terrible that the person you tell these
stories to deserves to be killed.

This sounds like non-sense, to me.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Markness, you seem to be in a dark place.

When I get lost in dark places I force myself to stop thinking and to do something I usually enjoy, like painting or playing the guitar or going out and looking at trees. It must be something active not passive (like TV watching).

Only when I am not completely lost anymore can I find the energy to tackle my problems and work on myself.

What activities that you can pursue by yourself make you happy or relaxed?

 

[Markness]

You keep telling them to yourself.

That it's awful, terrible, horrible etc to
"fail" socially, to not have a gf by some
specific deadline...etc

So terrible that the person you tell these
stories to deserves to be killed.

This sounds like non-sense, to me.

So I should just pretend to be happy and act like I don’t struggle?

Markness, you seem to be in a dark place.

When I get lost in dark places I force myself to stop thinking and to do something I usually enjoy, like painting or playing the guitar or going out and looking at trees. It must be something active not passive (like TV watching).

Only when I am not completely lost anymore can I find the energy to tackle my problems and work on myself.

What activities that you can pursue by yourself make you happy or relaxed?

I honestly find stress in activities because I mess up everything I do and have no special talents. I used to want to be good at both the guitar and drawing but I struggle with both things to the point I feel like I can’t improve with either hobby. I just got done with taking a walk at the park but I still feel sad.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I honestly find stress in activities because I mess up everything I do and have no special talents. I used to want to be good at both the guitar and drawing but I struggle with both things to the point I feel like I can’t improve with either hobby. I just got done with taking a walk at the park but I still feel sad.

The focus would be on doing something actively that does not depress you. It's good you know that the hobbies you tried out don't work for you, it means you can differentiate between things that frustrate you and things that don't.
Just stick to things that don't for so long until you feel a bit better...it might take more than a few hours or even days...
Spending time In nature and also being touched by sun relaxes most people and is a very good start!

And if moving around alot seems too much just take a blanket and lie in the sun as close to your home as possible.

 

[Markness]

The focus would be on doing something actively that does not depress you. It's good you know that the hobbies you tried out don't work for you, it means you can differentiate between things that frustrate you and things that don't.
Just stick to things that don't for so long until you feel a bit better...it might take more than a few hours or even days...
Spending time In nature and also being touched by sun relaxes most people and is a very good start!

And if moving around alot seems too much just take a blanket and lie in the sun as close to your home as possible.

Well, I’ve tried for years to excel at the guitar and drawing but it’s like my brain can’t undergo neuroplasticity.

I suppose walking relieves some stress from me but I still wish some things were different in my life.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Well, I’ve tried for years to excel at the guitar and drawing but it’s like my brain can’t undergo neuroplasticity.

I suppose walking relieves some stress from me but I still wish some things were different in my life.

Well it's not about being good at something. It's about enjoying to do something, without the pressure to perform. Just for fun. But it seems like you feel that pressure with drawing and making music. So until you learn to let go of that pressure you can just pause those activities, that's absolutely fine!

It is also totally ok to be unhappy with a situation. It's not a positive feeling but if you were in a healthy state of mind that unhappiness would only make you sad at first, after some time it would motivate you to change your situation.

To find that state of mind you will have to work through your therapy, but it will be very rewarding.
For me, going through therapy was probably the best decision of my life ....but the process is so hard, when all wounds are being ripped open again to be cleaned with tweezers to make sure no more splinters are left. I cried so much in those years. I believed I would never be loved. And I know now that this wasn't a realistic thought, it was a thought born out of my bad experiences.

Sometimes we live in places that are so dark that we cannot imagine even the existence of light.

Please just believe me, the light is there somewhere, and at some point it will brighten your life. Just don't give up.

Perhaps your therapist has some ideas of how to relax more so you can be less frustrated and more optimistic?

 

[tree]

So I should just pretend to be happy and act like I don’t struggle ?

This is not the first time you've asked that question.

NO. The idea is NOT to PRETEND TO BE HAPPY.

It's to stop telling yourself that your experiences are
terrible/horrible/very bad and the only response to them
MUST be to beat your self up/call yourself names (like
loser and failure), while concluding there is no hope
and you deserve to die.

Spoiler

'Although you may find it...unpleasant or unfortunate when you do not get what you want out of life, you do not feel it as catastrophic or horrible unless you think it that way. When things go badly, you have the choice of saying: (a) "I don't like this situation. Now let me see what I can do to change it. And if I can't change it, life remains tough but not necessarily catastrophic. "

Or you can say: (b) "I don't like this situation. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy. It shouldn't exist this way. It simply has to change, otherwise I can't possibly feel happy."

The second of these chains of sentences will turn you miserable,self-pitying, depressed, or hostile.

The first set of sentences will lead you to feel undelighted and regretful but not necessarily dejected or angry.'

from Chapter 13 'How to Feel Undepressed though Frustrated, p.124, A Guide to Rational Living, by
Ellis and Harper.

 

[Markness]

This is not the first time you've asked that question.

NO. The idea is NOT to PRETEND TO BE HAPPY.

It's to stop telling yourself that your experiences are
terrible/horrible/very bad and the only response to them
MUST be to beat your self up/call yourself names (like
loser and failure), while concluding there is no hope
and you deserve to die.

Spoiler

'Although you may find it...unpleasant or unfortunate when you do not get what you want out of life, you do not feel it as catastrophic or horrible unless you think it that way. When things go badly, you have the choice of saying: (a) "I don't like this situation. Now let me see what I can do to change it. And if I can't change it, life remains tough but not necessarily catastrophic. "

Or you can say: (b) "I don't like this situation. I can't stand it. It drives me crazy. It shouldn't exist this way. It simply has to change, otherwise I can't possibly feel happy."

The second of these chains of sentences will turn you miserable,self-pitying, depressed, or hostile.

The first set of sentences will lead you to feel undelighted and regretful but not necessarily dejected or angry.'

from Chapter 13 'How to Feel Undepressed though Frustrated, p.124, A Guide to Rational Living, by
Ellis and Harper.

How can I have hope after going through so many failures?

 

[VictorR]

How can I have hope after going through so many failures?

To quote Thomas Edison, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”

Well it's not about being good at something. It's about enjoying to do something, without the pressure to perform. Just for fun. But it seems like you feel that pressure with drawing and making music. So until you learn to let go of that pressure you can just pause those activities, that's absolutely fine!

To add to this, I'd like to note that sometimes it just happens that someone really likes something, but just don't have the skills themselves. It doesn't mean they have to remove themselves from the field. In sports, there have been some people who have not been particularly adept at the sport themselves, but turned out to be amazing coaches, managers, and/or officials, and these are positions that need to be filled themselves. And what they do know from playing the sport themselves helps them in their roles, even if they did not play at the same level themselves.

If we apply that to your situation, you could consider being a writer/reviewer, collector, cataloger, historian of drawing and guitars. Or maybe you could be a sounds systems specialist who joins bands on the road to ensure they have the right notes. There's lots of ways to be involved in something without being the star yourself.

 

[Markness]

To quote Thomas Edison, “I have not failed 10,000 times—I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”



To add to this, I'd like to note that sometimes it just happens that someone really likes something, but just don't have the skills themselves. It doesn't mean they have to remove themselves from the field. In sports, there have been some people who have not been particularly adept at the sport themselves, but turned out to be amazing coaches, managers, and/or officials, and these are positions that need to be filled themselves. And what they do know from playing the sport themselves helps them in their roles, even if they did not play at the same level themselves.

If we apply that to your situation, you could consider being a writer/reviewer, collector, cataloger, historian of drawing and guitars. Or maybe you could be a sounds systems specialist who joins bands on the road to ensure they have the right notes. There's lots of ways to be involved in something without being the star yourself.

I don’t know how to find opportunities for those things. I really don’t know at all.

 

[Markness]

Well it's not about being good at something. It's about enjoying to do something, without the pressure to perform. Just for fun. But it seems like you feel that pressure with drawing and making music. So until you learn to let go of that pressure you can just pause those activities, that's absolutely fine!

It is also totally ok to be unhappy with a situation. It's not a positive feeling but if you were in a healthy state of mind that unhappiness would only make you sad at first, after some time it would motivate you to change your situation.

To find that state of mind you will have to work through your therapy, but it will be very rewarding.
For me, going through therapy was probably the best decision of my life ....but the process is so hard, when all wounds are being ripped open again to be cleaned with tweezers to make sure no more splinters are left. I cried so much in those years. I believed I would never be loved. And I know now that this wasn't a realistic thought, it was a thought born out of my bad experiences.

Sometimes we live in places that are so dark that we cannot imagine even the existence of light.

Please just believe me, the light is there somewhere, and at some point it will brighten your life. Just don't give up.

Perhaps your therapist has some ideas of how to relax more so you can be less frustrated and more optimistic?

I really do want some peace to happen in my life before I exit. I want to have a loving romantic partner and possibly some children if my life situation gets better.

I’ve been in therapy since 2006.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Do you feel like you progressed since 2006?

 

[VictorR]

I don’t know how to find opportunities for those things. I really don’t know at all.

The same way you do for anything else that you want to accomplish - you network. Reach out to people in the field, or who have connections to those in the field. Be polite, and introduce yourself and what you're seeking to learn. You never know who might respond, or where a contact and some information may lead you.

How a sneaker geek landed his dream job, one step at a time is one of my all time favorite stories in general, and is a great illustration of the response above.

 

[Markness]

Do you feel like you progressed since 2006?

There are times I think I am making progress but then something bad will happen and undo it all. I always end up back to square one only with more wounds each time it happens.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

There are times I think I am making progress but then something bad will happen and undo it all. I always end up back to square one only with more wounds each time it happens.

Have you thought about changing your therapist? No progress is not really acceptable for 16 years of therapy, actually there should be progress after only a few months. I can't imagine being in therapy so long. I was already exhausted after 3 years.

Please don't misunderstand, I think that the therapist might be overwhelmed, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

 

[Markness]

Have you thought about changing your therapist? No progress is not really acceptable for 16 years of therapy, actually there should be progress after only a few months. I can't imagine being in therapy so long. I was already exhausted after 3 years.

Please don't misunderstand, I think that the therapist might be overwhelmed, I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

I forgot to clarify that I’ve had different therapists throughout these 16 years.