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As an AS woman I've practiced a kind of radical acceptance all my life, in the quest for a "peaceful" life and I absolutely agree with everyone who's suggested that at the core of this issue is the fact that acceptance is the key stone to relationships.

This having been said, I find that despite (or perhaps because of) my acceptance I have frequently, in intimate relationships, been treated in a way that is less than deserving, I have tolerated harmful behaviour and by the very act of acceptance of it and of them, made partners feel that their disrespect was somehow OK with me.

What I'm asking in a somewhat roundabout way, is where is this balance between acceptance and getting ones own needs met, which we read about so often on here? Should one walk away when acceptance is met with behaviour that is perceived to be hurtful - where is the line between total acceptance of another person and loving oneself?
 
Ocarina said:
As an AS woman I've practiced a kind of radical acceptance all my life, in the quest for a "peaceful" life and I absolutely agree with everyone who's suggested that at the core of this issue is the fact that acceptance is the key stone to relationships.

This having been said, I find that despite (or perhaps because of) my acceptance I have frequently, in intimate relationships, been treated in a way that is less than deserving, I have tolerated harmful behaviour and by the very act of acceptance of it and of them, made partners feel that their disrespect was somehow OK with me.

What I'm asking in a somewhat roundabout way, is where is this balance between acceptance and getting ones own needs met, which we read about so often on here? Should one walk away when acceptance is met with behaviour that is perceived to be hurtful - where is the line between total acceptance of another person and loving oneself?
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Tough one. Think I'm in a similar place and I don't have an answer.

I'm practicing habits to make myself feel better about myself (small things ie gratitude etc) and trying to stand up for myself more. Stating,reasonably and emotionally what I want (not much.. peace, not to be lambasted over nothings, )
Trouble is, if you habitually capitulate there can be an exaggerated reaction to change..
Everybody's a work in progress,change is tough and it doesn't really ever end
 
TwilightZone, is it possible for you to participate in therapy with your ex? If not, maybe you should consider yourself. It's arguable that no matter what the situation, there's always something both sides could've done to try to make things better. Sometimes, hearing from a 3rd party in-person will get you thinking in ways that you haven't thought of otherwise. We could post here all we want, but sometimes things may not come "alive" until you talk to others in-person with a different perspective not your own.
 
Ocarina said:
As an AS woman I've practiced a kind of radical acceptance all my life, in the quest for a "peaceful" life and I absolutely agree with everyone who's suggested that at the core of this issue is the fact that acceptance is the key stone to relationships.

This having been said, I find that despite (or perhaps because of) my acceptance I have frequently, in intimate relationships, been treated in a way that is less than deserving, I have tolerated harmful behaviour and by the very act of acceptance of it and of them, made partners feel that their disrespect was somehow OK with me.

What I'm asking in a somewhat roundabout way, is where is this balance between acceptance and getting ones own needs met, which we read about so often on here? Should one walk away when acceptance is met with behaviour that is perceived to be hurtful - where is the line between total acceptance of another person and loving oneself?
Click to expand...
It's a very good question. I love my (NT)boyfriend to his core, but we have some habits that don't really go together. I accept this up until a certain point, and when I notice tension building up I take him aside for a quick conversation. We discuss what he's doing that's hurting me, what he could do to ease my burden, and what I could do to prevent myself from overreacting. The same for when I have behavior that troubles him. We're usually able to reach a compromise that allows both of us to do our own thing, without crossing the other person's boundaries.
 
Perhaps we're getting to the crux of the matter here - where is the line between asking for a change in behaviour when the tension caused by this behaviour is having a negative effect and asking for a change in a behaviour which is actually part of a person's very essence and therefore by definition non negotiable.

Perhaps it's learning where that line is that's important here - it seems to me that Twilight is being perfectly reasonable in that she doesn't perceive she's asking this man to change himself HOWEVER what's being asked for is, in his world, an alteration in his very way of being rather than a behaviour that fits into the malleable give and take category. Maybe each is blind to the other's way of being.
 
twilightzone76 said:
I'm honestly disgusted with your closed minded thinking at this point. How could you actually feel comfortable saying that a person with Aspergers has no ability to improve their communication skills or ability to express themselves? Do YOU hear what YOU'RE saying??

As a mother, I am always trying to do a better job and can't imagine having the mindset of, well this is who I am so my kids can just take it or leave it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with someone working to become a better wife, mother, friend, sister, member of society....
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Did I say there was something wrong with improving yourself? Ever? Not at all. Did I say that people with Aspergers were unable to improve themselves? Not once. Clearly you are struggling to understand the concept of **unconditional love**

My mind is not closed. You are just not recieving what I am putting down. You are too busy trying to tell us how wonderful you are, that you are unwilling to give your own behavior a good hard look. Thats ok, unconditional love is not for everyone. You need to look at things from a very unselfish perspective. You may find it disgusting - its a good thing I do not pin my self worth on what some stranger in a forum has to say. ;) If you talk to him the way you talk to us here, I am not surprised you are not getting the full picture.

twilightzone76 said:
I had him read this whole post and he just shook his head and said, what do they think I'm an idiot?!? He said he understands what everyone is saying but said that's not how he feels.
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Of course he did. I am sure you were unbiased in your presentation of the thread as well, seeking to find out what he REALLY feels. right?

"LOL....pretty trivial compared to the mess you've tried to portray him in."
No honey, you have that wrong. YOU are the one who has done the portraying, I have simply explained behaviors. You just dont like what you hear because hearing anything less than you are wonderful is not on your agenda! Your wonderful! He needs to Change! He needs to be more of what you want and less of who he is! (feel better?)

So, since you have it ALL worked out, I think I will stop throwing my pearls before swine and stop wasting my time. Good luck to both you and your aspie.
 
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"He says he loves me because he "cares what happens to me" and because he wants to do things for me (help me out financially, buy gifts, give flowers, take me to nice dinners etc.).

To me, that sounds like things you could also do or feel for a friend, so where is the differentiation?

I know I love him because of the way I feel whereas for him it's his thoughts and actions that tell him.

I've had a hard time understanding that it's really love he's feeling when he doesn't feel it "inside""

Maybe I'm being naive but isn't this a matter of semantics - none of us will "feel" in the same way as someone else but surely what matters is that the expression of love is received in a way that the significant other can understand.

In delving into the worries about how he experiences feelings, it strikes me that there's something missing here, something in his behaviour (rather than in his inner experiences) that leaves you feeling less than cared for.

Whilst none of us have any control over others internal experiences and very little over their behaviours, maybe it would be worth looking at your own side of the coin here Twilight. Feeling loved is not simply a response to what another person offers you - it's much more complex than that and in part it requires loving yourself unconditionally. I'm interested to know what's missing here not in terms of his feelings which you really can't change, but in terms of yours - and your experience in the relationship.
 
twilightzone76 said:
LOL....pretty trivial compared to the mess you've tried to portray him in.
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twilightzone76 said:
I think you really should stop wasting your time because after reading your first post on this site a few short weeks ago, you surely didn't understand Asperger's AT ALL. ;)
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Sure. Sure. If thats what makes you feel better. Keep slamming people that were trying to help you like a child who doesnt like what mom says. Still wont change anything in your relationship. And when he shuts down and you are all mad at him - please remember that disgusting stranger who tried to point the way.

NB Way to use peoples personal pain against them. You're a real sweetheart of a human being. So kind and compassionate. I can not understand at all why your man might have a problem with you.
 
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Twilight... your attitude reminds me of my ex.


Your idea of love seems to have conditions. You said you'd like to understand.... but why do you argue?

You are basically doing to us, what you do to him.

You are right! We must get it! We must change! To suit you! Our feelings are wrong! Because you don't understand!!!!

Love for me has two sides. Yes/no. 1/0.
If you are on the yes side... I will die for you.
On the no side... You'd best not be within reach.
I can also be neutral... have no opinion.

I love a woman. We dated almost a year.
I overheard her lie to someone on the phone.
Asked her about it. She said it was just easier than explaining... I told her to pack her junk. Got to go.

Why! I must be horrible! No, I just don't understand lies. Don't want to. Just a matter of time before it would have been easier to lie to me too.

Might be best to just leave the guy alone.
You say you want to understand, then reject the explanation.... incongruous. You know he loves you, treats you well, buys you things? Uh ok..but all that is not good enough for you. He needs to heal himself or learn to fake it. If he does, you will just move the goalpost. Take this to heart. You will do him harm and just move on anyway. Move on now... be kind.

Off topic, I love tall horses.
 
I'll just leave this here...

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