Depressed/Want a Girlfriend

[Gerald Wilgus]

You are stuck. You only see the negative and refuse to grow. Evidently things are not painful enough to take decent and gentle advice from many people here. How long are you going to stir the pot of "I don't have"?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am not working but when I go to the park and other venue I visit almost daily I see couples all the time and it's hard to. I then try to think of all the positive people and things in my life and it helps.

 

[tree]

When I am at work, my feelings of loneliness over not having a girlfriend do not get put aside. If anything, they get “louder” in my mind and so many things reinforce the thoughts. Most of my co-workers are in relationships themselves, I have to check out items to couples, I see items about romance as well as sexuality, and I get flashbacks of past failures, especially when I originally volunteered at the library and was worried why I didn’t have a girlfriend when I was 17-18.

Who's the one doing that?

Nobody else can change what you tell yourself.
Just you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am not working but when I go to the park and other venue I visit almost daily I see couples all the time and it's hard to. I then try to think of all the positive people and things in my life and it helps.

Bravo! It has only been for Cognitive Processing Therapy that I have been rewriting my response to triggers that made me feel worthless to the positive remembrance of breaking barriers of my neurology to live a fulfilling life. I take pleasure in exceeding the limitations of what people thought I am capable of and those I once chained myself with.

There is a lot of good reminding myself that I am a worthwhile, interesting, and active person.

 

[Markness]

Who's the one doing that?

Nobody else can change what you tell yourself.
Just you.

But why do the emotions feel apt?

 

[Markness]

I have attempted different things that other people do when they are seeking love. But it never goes my way no matter what I do or how I do it. It’s like I am cursed to continue being single until I die. Why do things work out with others but not me?

 

[kenaij]

Because others listen to the ‘hard’ suggestions that are made to improve themselves and dont avoid or ignore them. Sorry to be so blunt but too many people have already tried it the nice way in a dozen of your other posts. Read back on those and work on the stuff people have mentioned there more than ones

 

[Rodafina]

Crazy question, have you ever considered just embracing the single life?

I know it is not for everyone, but when I really started to accept being single, and filling the space that having a partner would have with other things, life got much happier for me. Much less angst. Fewer feelings of incompetence. Growing feelings of happiness.

Despite how it seems, not all people are in relationships, and not all people are miserable about it.

 

[Misery]

Ya know, I'm thinking about this, and here's a genuine question:

When you think over the last, say... year or so, what sorts of different things have you tried? In terms of places you've gone or activities, I mean.

Sometimes I see you talk about this, and I wonder if there's maybe some specific thing that's done over and over despite clearly not working? Like someone going into the same bar or whatever over and over when maybe it's time to try somewhere else. Often times, people get stuck in a loop of that type without actually realizing that they've done so (it happens to me a lot... like, A LOT, seriously)

I dunno, it's just something that occurred to me just now.

I'm not saying that choosing a new place to go or activity to try is gonna be a magic key... but hey, it cant hurt.

That being said, I do think @kenaij is right.

 

[tree]

But why do the emotions feel apt?

It hardly seems likely that a person would feel happy
over stories like *I'm a loser*/*Nothing I do works*/
*Everybody has it easy except for me*.....et cetera.

For different feelings, try different version of what
you're telling yourself.

And NO, I don't mean pretend to be happy.

What I'm saying is to stop telling yourself negative
versions of your experience. For example, instead of
saying *OMG I met this girl one night, had fun with her ,
but now that's lost to me forever because she moved away,
so I'll probably die alone. In fact I may as well kill myself.*---

You could try *Hey, I met a girl one night, had fun with her,
and although she moved to a different town, I still have the
memory of the fun we had that one night. Such a good
experience and I'm looking forward to that kind of thing
happening again. I will build on the behavior that already
worked....*

 

[Raggamuffin]

Has your mindset genuinely changed though? Because from what I see you remain stuck in a rut.

Trying new experiences is great, but if the outlook and vibe you give off is bad you'll always feel like the ghost at the feast.

Ed

 

[Markness]

Crazy question, have you ever considered just embracing the single life?

I can’t do that because doing so would mean giving in to those who told me “You don’t need a girlfriend!” and made me feel to be a loser.

 

[tree]

I can’t do that because doing so would mean giving in to those who told me “You don’t need a girlfriend!”

No, it wouldn't.

 

[AspieChris]

Tony,

My advice is to stop trying. Desperate men attract the wrong type of girl. Find stuff you like to do and go do it.

Aspies are bad at making decisions, particularly in romance. My guess is that you are looking for a life-partner, but you’re willing to settle for a girlfriend.

When you’re doing what you love…. She will find you. And she will be OK with helping you with any difficulties, because she saw the good in you before learning that you have ‘issues’.

Be patient and get outside in the sun. Maybe staring at the internet for answers is holding you from meeting her at the park. Don’t be pushy. Love takes a very long time to develop for NT’s. We all fall in love in a second. They take months or years to develop that connection.

 

[Markness]

No, it wouldn't.

Why can’t I prove them wrong?

 

[AspieChris]

Why can’t I prove them wrong?

Because they are who they are. That makes then not ‘wrong’, but nobody’s wrong and nobody’s ’right’. There’s only good and bad. You are different….. but you can be be still be ‘good’ without being ’wrong’.

 

[Markness]

Because they are who they are. That makes then not ‘wrong’, but nobody’s wrong and nobody’s ’right’. There’s only good and bad. You are different….. but you can be be still be ‘good’ without being ’wrong’.

It just continues to hurt that I still can’t achieve the intimacy I crave so much even though I am almost 35. I sometimes worry that my brain can’t make any new neural connections and that’s why I still can’t even get a coffee date at my age.

 

[kenaij]

Please do consider the following. You say you crave intimacy. But please be mindful between the things you actually crave and the things you think you want. There are things that on paper I would really really want. I have always had a dream of having my own gym where I could teach people. The way I see it, it would be amazing. However. Deep down. I also know that after a couple of days I would be completely burned out by all the social interactions.
Same with things like going on holiday. The idea of going on holiday excites me. But when we are there one of the only things I can about it the day we get back home. Where everything is where it is supposed to be and I can plan my alone time.

 

[Jeff T]

After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting.
It is not logical, but it is often true.

-Spock

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Be careful not to see want as need