How is worrying helping?
If you are concerned, what active procedures are you trying that
would be likely to enhance the development of "new neural connections"?
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Depressed/Want a Girlfriend
- Thread starter Markness
- Start date
- Status
How is worrying helping?
If you are concerned, what active procedures are you trying that
would be likely to enhance the development of "new neural connections"?
It might be your desperation that is keeping women away. Ladies like someone who can laugh. They can’t see the person you are because the ‘unhappy’ part of your life is floating on the surface like oil on top of water. Nobody drinks from a stream that has even the faintest layer of oil.
The irony is you might need to find a way to be happy and single before you can find a woman to make you happy. Every woman I have ever dated said they were attracted to me initially because I was funny.
I think I was unusual. After a failed short relationship, I was taking a break, enjoying things and I called a woman I did not know, from where I was going to be fossil collecting to see if she would carpool to a trail maintenance trip. I was looking for a woman to do outdoor activities with, and she was looking for a man she could do outdoor activities with. We hit it off and were married on the anniversary of our meeting. And . . . I was successful fossil collecting, too. I found some soft bodied worms, a proto-spider, and Illinois' state fossil, a Tully Monster.
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I found my wife when she moved into my rooming house she was putting together son Ikea furniture had no tools I was handy had a few tools got to know her helping her I did not ask her to join me on a social thing until months later. I was a loner liked watching live bands. I did not know she liked dancing, disco my cousin a drummer previously was one of my tenants, she had his former room. So, I asked if she would like to see him play. we then got invited to the after party by the band. All I remember. Both of use laying on the floor necking oblivious of the party going on around us. Disco killed live bands. later I found out how much she liked dancing. Now 65 years old still wild on the dance floor. This is how you do, making it happen wishing, for it is not the way. Just hang out. with women, and it will happen.
Markness, I am on your side if you need a relationship to make you happy, as there is someone for everyone out there, but we have to increase our odds there of finding someone for us by the things we do.
But, if your desire is to have a relationship either to prove others wrong, or for other reasons, like because society says it is fulfilling in some way or normal, then those are not good reasons to get into a relationship.
Granted, how will one know unless they tried such before, and unless we learn from our experiences, but I can honestly say that after being depressed and alone for twenty years, and married for seventeen years, I see equal pros and cons of both, despite thinking before the relationship that relationships had far more benefits.
So, my beliefs through my twenties and thirties were wrong. I was naive and needy back then, and I likely was trying to get what others had, without thinking much and weighing fairly all factors, and I assumed that most of the glamor and positives shown through media and in life about others and most relationships were real.
Soap operas, TV shows and movies are not real. And dream weddings often do not turn out to be dream marriages. They are not going to usually focus on the negatives of relationships. Relationships are very hard work, require usually much sacrifice, and can be really stressful at times. Stress does not bother me much, and I like do not need much from others as I can do everything myself, and I like assisting and supporting, so I manage well. Not all are like this though.
There is a reason why many others are not getting married nor having children. Culture is changing, and people are prioritizing elsewhere, or after learning things were not as great at they were expecting from prior attempts or experiences. If you want to at least try to get a relationship, I am for that for you too, as many still can have long lasting and mostly happy marriages, and you may even find more positives in a relationship than being alone. I hope that happens for you.
But, these days accepting anyone who will give us a chance is often a recipe for failure if the goal is long term, and if that other was just as needy and not trying to find the right fit but desperate to take anyone. Trying to be in a relationship because of either loneliness, a current bad situation, to get just some physical needs met, or because others are against us there or because we feel they have it better in relationships, may not always be the right thought processes to get anything long term, as we often need more. Or maybe you'd settle for short term now, as that is a step at least to growth, some happiness and to get more learning.
I am a firm believer that many people do not change much for the better after they are in a relationship. So, if before the relationship there were red flags in them or you, you and they'd likely see that later too , or more, during the relationship, and those things could grate on each other over time if either thought they could change that. Get to know yourself well, your strengths, what you can and cannot handle, and what you value in a partner, look in the right places there, and show what you can do for them as acquaintances or friends first. The other should do the same. Do not think we are entitled to anyone otherwise, or liking us, if most person's just want to see our good sides more first. Relationships are about give and take.
Write a list of the good things about you and show that through your communications, and get into that new better habit, as that reels persons in and keeps them interested. They should do that too, to offer you something to benefit you as that is your right too. I feel you have just as much to offer others, if you can focus on showing that side more .
Figure out a plan, like finding a friend first, if you cannot get a chance for a date yet. Yes, it's work, to show your strengths, to be friends with someone longer term, but it gets you experience there and they can give you advice you may then more apt to listen to. All my past dates were started as friends first, and I gave lots of prioritizing and efforts there first. If one wants to be totally or more oneself, being single is often more ideal.. If one wants a successful or longer relationship, perhaps fifty percent or more of your efforts and desires should be satisfying them naturally by who you are, or through some of your efforts. If you love some traits about you, not showing that in some arrogant way like others in life which turns me off, it will show naturally and it is easier then for others to love you and see the good in you and to want to be with you..
The fact I write longer posts to people partly shows I feel they are deserving of my time and efforts there, as I could be doing other things here. I see the good in you and I feel you deserve a chance, as others far less kind and deserving than you are in relationships. The only difference was they likely deceived the others some about who they were during that dating process.. I am not asking you to deceive, but to focus more on the good qualities and interests you have than more want to hear about. If you were a woman though, you'd have lots of dates now likely, as many men focus less on needing strong "shown" character earlier on.. Guys though are often expected to show more good internal qualities to get what they want or need. May not be fair, but in other ways women have it harder too.
But, if your desire is to have a relationship either to prove others wrong, or for other reasons, like because society says it is fulfilling in some way or normal, then those are not good reasons to get into a relationship.
Granted, how will one know unless they tried such before, and unless we learn from our experiences, but I can honestly say that after being depressed and alone for twenty years, and married for seventeen years, I see equal pros and cons of both, despite thinking before the relationship that relationships had far more benefits.
So, my beliefs through my twenties and thirties were wrong. I was naive and needy back then, and I likely was trying to get what others had, without thinking much and weighing fairly all factors, and I assumed that most of the glamor and positives shown through media and in life about others and most relationships were real.
Soap operas, TV shows and movies are not real. And dream weddings often do not turn out to be dream marriages. They are not going to usually focus on the negatives of relationships. Relationships are very hard work, require usually much sacrifice, and can be really stressful at times. Stress does not bother me much, and I like do not need much from others as I can do everything myself, and I like assisting and supporting, so I manage well. Not all are like this though.
There is a reason why many others are not getting married nor having children. Culture is changing, and people are prioritizing elsewhere, or after learning things were not as great at they were expecting from prior attempts or experiences. If you want to at least try to get a relationship, I am for that for you too, as many still can have long lasting and mostly happy marriages, and you may even find more positives in a relationship than being alone. I hope that happens for you.
But, these days accepting anyone who will give us a chance is often a recipe for failure if the goal is long term, and if that other was just as needy and not trying to find the right fit but desperate to take anyone. Trying to be in a relationship because of either loneliness, a current bad situation, to get just some physical needs met, or because others are against us there or because we feel they have it better in relationships, may not always be the right thought processes to get anything long term, as we often need more. Or maybe you'd settle for short term now, as that is a step at least to growth, some happiness and to get more learning.
I am a firm believer that many people do not change much for the better after they are in a relationship. So, if before the relationship there were red flags in them or you, you and they'd likely see that later too , or more, during the relationship, and those things could grate on each other over time if either thought they could change that. Get to know yourself well, your strengths, what you can and cannot handle, and what you value in a partner, look in the right places there, and show what you can do for them as acquaintances or friends first. The other should do the same. Do not think we are entitled to anyone otherwise, or liking us, if most person's just want to see our good sides more first. Relationships are about give and take.
Write a list of the good things about you and show that through your communications, and get into that new better habit, as that reels persons in and keeps them interested. They should do that too, to offer you something to benefit you as that is your right too. I feel you have just as much to offer others, if you can focus on showing that side more .
Figure out a plan, like finding a friend first, if you cannot get a chance for a date yet. Yes, it's work, to show your strengths, to be friends with someone longer term, but it gets you experience there and they can give you advice you may then more apt to listen to. All my past dates were started as friends first, and I gave lots of prioritizing and efforts there first. If one wants to be totally or more oneself, being single is often more ideal.. If one wants a successful or longer relationship, perhaps fifty percent or more of your efforts and desires should be satisfying them naturally by who you are, or through some of your efforts. If you love some traits about you, not showing that in some arrogant way like others in life which turns me off, it will show naturally and it is easier then for others to love you and see the good in you and to want to be with you..
The fact I write longer posts to people partly shows I feel they are deserving of my time and efforts there, as I could be doing other things here. I see the good in you and I feel you deserve a chance, as others far less kind and deserving than you are in relationships. The only difference was they likely deceived the others some about who they were during that dating process.. I am not asking you to deceive, but to focus more on the good qualities and interests you have than more want to hear about. If you were a woman though, you'd have lots of dates now likely, as many men focus less on needing strong "shown" character earlier on.. Guys though are often expected to show more good internal qualities to get what they want or need. May not be fair, but in other ways women have it harder too.
Things can be pretty volatile if you're looking for a relationship to fix problems going on in your own life (not implying that this is the case, but I'm sort of implying that this can be a common case for a lot of men, and I fell into this trap time and time again myself).
Even though things worked out well, I wish that I would've been working on myself as hard as I am now when I first met my wife because things wouldn't have been so volatile from the beginning. Because the things I was avoiding working on was why all of my previous relationships had failed, and what almost ruined my marriage. I know you're coming at this from the opposite end, but... be careful what you wish for without know what you're actually wishing for. A series of intense relationships followed by bad breakups is really no better than no relationship at all.
I think my point here is that if you work on yourself instead, you'll just be desirable all around (this goes way beyond natural physical attraction, I promise you). It won't be like pulling teeth anymore because you won't feel like you're trying to convince people to like you, it'll just happen naturally. As a bonus, you'll like yourself a lot more, too.
Even though things worked out well, I wish that I would've been working on myself as hard as I am now when I first met my wife because things wouldn't have been so volatile from the beginning. Because the things I was avoiding working on was why all of my previous relationships had failed, and what almost ruined my marriage. I know you're coming at this from the opposite end, but... be careful what you wish for without know what you're actually wishing for. A series of intense relationships followed by bad breakups is really no better than no relationship at all.
I think my point here is that if you work on yourself instead, you'll just be desirable all around (this goes way beyond natural physical attraction, I promise you). It won't be like pulling teeth anymore because you won't feel like you're trying to convince people to like you, it'll just happen naturally. As a bonus, you'll like yourself a lot more, too.
I’ve had women laugh at things I’ve said but that’s never lead to romance for me.
I really don’t know how to “work on myself.” I feel low all the time and I mess up at everything I do.
I learned to be a comedian at a young age as a defense mechanism to help me fit in and avoid bullying. I’m really good at running a joke in front of people until everyone is peeing their pants.
A one-liner or and accidental funny comment doesn’t work. Making a woman remember me as hilarious instead of quirky has opened a lot of doors.
You don't have any ideas ?
No thoughts toward eliminating the negative self talk you're constantly feeding yourself?
I had to start with watching television shows that people seem to enjoy. I learned humor from funny sitcoms. I learned romance from romantic movies. And I learned when it’s appropriate to be angry from Schwarzenegger films. I practiced in the mirror (still do). I learned to mask from tv and movies so well that I forgot who I am. It’s not a bad thing because I’m happy and I can fit in at work and social situations.
I basically memorized every good joke from every movie that made NT’s laugh. Most folks either haven’t seen the movie or don’t remember it well, so they laugh like it’s original. I learned how to make the beginning of a relationship seem ‘normal’ to them from romantic movies .I go from zero to “will you marry me” in 2 seconds and that scares good women away, so I take it slowly…. painfully slowly. I learned how to comfort someone who is crying from sad scenes in movies and tv. My instinct is to fix their problems, but usually they just want someone to empathize with their sadness and give them a long hug.
I recommend the 1990’s television show “Friends”. 10 seasons of episodes that cover absolutely every human emotion. I would just treat it like a college course in learning how to “fit in”.
The sadness we all feel as Aspies is mostly loneliness. Even when you’re working your butt off to wear the perfect mask in each situation, it’s nice to have friends…. and someone to love who loves you back.
My mind keeps drawing blanks whenever I attempt to think about what I need to do with myself.
Not one single thing?
I gave you an idea, but you sloughed that off/ignored it/didn't notice.
Post #70.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homunculus_argument
You cannot win a fight against yourself. Fortunately there's an easy way around it.
You already know how to start. Execution time is effectively zero.
Decide now.
There are people here who will help with the details if you just stop fighting with us.
kenaij
AQ score: 38, Aspie Score: asp 142/200 nt 58/200
Because you are ignoring the suggestions people are making. And are reverting back to self pity. If you continue to ignore our suggestions there might be very many years like you discribe to come. And I`m pretty sure all the people who have replied to this thread so far would love to see you end your year happy.It pains me how every year starts and ends with me still being without someone who loves me.Why can’t I find a solution?
To the thing you said. Someone who loves you does not have to be a partner. It could also be a very very good friend you share everything with.
What he has tried the suggestions they don't work. Heck I have tried them they have not worked. That is why we are complaining about being single.
kenaij
AQ score: 38, Aspie Score: asp 142/200 nt 58/200
Have you really though? Because complaining, putting the blame in other's shoes (more so towards Markness) and feeling bad for yourself will not further you in your goal. That is actually one of the major points a lot of us have made in one way or another. Trying something for 5 minutes or once does not prove it does not work.
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