Desperately need help and advice on this man

[NT seeking a clue]

You have been very helpful . Yep that's the way I'm feeling, nothing is good enough daily. An example - He complained about my shower head (as he got a shower in my back bathroom which hadn't been used for a while) and said my soap was s**t (again, the bathroom is sparkling clean but unused as I have ensuite, he could have gone in mine). So me knowing how ocd he is, I des called the shower head to make it perfect, bought him a new wash puff and some mens face wash, put body wash in there for him, told him the next time on the phone it was all good now. He said 'why would I shower at your house when I have my own shower' and has not been back in there on his visits since!. He came in one night and said my street is s**t, says he doesn't like anything about my house (I built it on my own 8 years ago and the first time he visited a year ago acted so proud of me) he lives in a unit behind his father (that his dad owns). But I'm not allowed to his house. My house is fine, clean, comfy etc.
since my operation I've had a bit of anxiety and my spa is one of the things I'm anxious of (sitting in hot water) he knew this and about 2 months ago, asked me about it and said 'I can be that person who goes in it with you.

I emptied it and cleaned the old water out, cedar oiled the outside and got it all ready for summer (looking forward to getting over my anxiety around it), told him it's ready to go
He turned around and said he'd changed his mind and doesn't want to go in the spa.

Sorry if I'm ranting Vanilla. getting it down in writing is making all these things come back to me.

 

[Vanilla]

You have been very helpful . Yep that's the way I'm feeling, nothing is good enough daily. An example - He complained about my shower head (as he got a shower in my back bathroom which hadn't been used for a while) and said my soap was s**t (again, the bathroom is sparkling clean but unused as I have ensuite, he could have gone in mine). So me knowing how ocd he is, I des called the shower head to make it perfect, bought him a new wash puff and some mens face wash, put body wash in there for him, told him the next time on the phone it was all good now. He said 'why would I shower at your house when I have my own shower' and has not been back in there on his visits since!. He came in one night and said my street is s**t, says he doesn't like anything about my house (I built it on my own 8 years ago and the first time he visited a year ago acted so proud of me) he lives in a unit behind his father (that his dad owns). But I'm not allowed to his house. My house is fine, clean, comfy etc.
since my operation I've had a bit of anxiety and my spa is one of the things I'm anxious of (sitting in hot water) he knew this and about 2 months ago, asked me about it and said 'I can be that person who goes in it with you.

I emptied it and cleaned the old water out, cedar oiled the outside and got it all ready for summer (looking forward to getting over my anxiety around it), told him it's ready to go
He turned around and said he'd changed his mind and doesn't want to go in the spa.

Sorry if I'm ranting Vanilla. getting it down in writing is making all these things come back to me.

That's quite alright; rant away. It's healthy to get it all out. If you're interested, there's a channel on YouTube, called Spartan Life Coach. He's very good, and has a very accurate understanding of NPD. I recommend looking in to him.

 

[Cali Cat]

I see others have given you lots of advice already. I haven't read all of it, so pardon me if I'm repeating what others have said. Your man may have Asperger's, but that's not the problem. It sounds like he is suffering from a personality disorder. My guess would be narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I dated someone like that once for several years. The NPD seemed to be linked to manic phases in his bipolar disorder. It can be very difficult to get through to someone like that. There is a lot of information on NPD available, and you should investigate to see if it seems to fit his behavior. If it does, there are forums for loved ones of NPD sufferers that can help you to figure out how to handle him. It doesn't sound like he's interested in seeing a professional himself, which isn't surprising, but it means you'll have to diagnose the condition for yourself. I hope you will find the answers you're looking for.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm NT and I would have been out of there back when he said I was only a pair of ta ta's.

he calls me a dumb b**ch, the C word and says I'm the most selfish b**ch he has ever met.

If any guy said any of those words to me, he'd be lucky if my boot didn't end up in his throat after I kicked him in the a**.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I think she just accidentally misspelled it.


It's okay, i'm sure she understands. The edit button is in the bottom left hand corner of posts.

I agree. People make mistakes.

 

[May Black]

As others have said, it doesn't sound as typical Aspie to me. His behavior seems rather abusive and harmful. I think you should contact a relationship counselor if you wish to proceed with it.

Those Aspie men I have known best are gentle to everyone, both to friends and to romantic partners.

My boyfriend can be very arrogant towards both me and strangers if pushed into an uncomfortable situation, he'd never be verbally rude or raise his voice though.

 

[Cali Cat]

If any guy said any of those words to me, he'd be lucky if my boot didn't end up in his throat after I kicked him in the a**.

I'd kick him in the n*ts so hard they'd get lodged in his f**k**g nostrils ... lol.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'd kick him in the n*ts so hard they'd get lodged in his f**k**g nostrils ... lol.

That too!!!!!! Grumpy Cat loves you!

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="NT seeking a clue, Sorry, just walk away no contact ever. I know, I know the heart hurts once you fall in love and it wants what wants. Mine hurts and so does my stomach every time I remeber my Becca, should be on my honeymoon right now Ugg! But sometimes people are just too messed up Bad. Who knows why bad family whatever. But we all what some one nice to love...nice ....nice...look for nice after you recover. Sorry for your loss...Best wishes

 

[daisychain]

Fellow NT here. First, I am SO sorry for what you've been through. Brain surgery and almost dying? You deserve so much better than what you've been through with this man.

I too smell a narcissist. What Vanilla wrote is absolutely accurate about gas lighting and psychological manipulation. I believe my ex (27 years married) was a malignant narcissist. I read a lot on line by Sam Vaknin and it was chilling. My therapist said he had a sadistic streak (never hit me but did as much damage with his words and deeds). The shower comment is classic. I'm sure your bathroom is clean. He picks on something that he knows will make you second guess yourself then when you fix it, he acts like he doesn't care. It's purely a control move. He likes being the puppeteer and making you dance.

With intimacy, since my ex was my first lover, I thought all men got nasty and cold after sex. There was no cuddling. If anything, being emotionally naked freaked him out and made him more contemptuous of me.

Do you have insurance coverage to see a therapist? I'm glad you posted here -- there are a lot of caring people on this site -- and posting means you know inside his treatment of you isn't right -- but I think you would also benefit from talking to a professional. Some part of you is accepting his behavior (not liking it -- accepting it) and that's the part you want to get out in the open and try to understand, because even if you leave this man (which I hope you do), you don't want to go from the frying pan into the fire as it were.

Hugs! Please leave him.

 

[fuzz]

It sounds like you are trying to understand why he is doing the horrible things he does. But that maybe you also want to change him, and help him become a better person, and a better fit for being with you.

From what you say he clearly lies. I cannot read someone who lies, Aspergers or no aspergers, so I can't give much insight into what is in his mind. It sounds like it's much more than just ASD.

You sound distraught. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. Do you have friends who you can talk these things through with? I can relate to how hard it is to see the full picture of what is going on when you are on the inside.

If I imagine being in his shoes I would not know how to fix anything. I might unintentionally lose sight of how much you are hurt, and so I think of you are in contact with him again you need to be direct with him about what upsets you, and how you need things to be. People with Aspergers can easily miss subtler clues that something is not ok. If you do *not* mention something directly it could easily not get resolved.

But you cannot make someone, with or without Aspergers, change for you. Someone can only change for themselves, and at the own pace, if at all. You will likely get very hurt if you wait around for this improvement to happen, which is a terrible thing for you.

Advice

1. be direct with him about what you need if you are in contact again
2. Accept he is not who you need him to be, and that he may never change
3. Find something or someone who makes you happy.

 

[Spinning Compass]

One word. Leave.

You need to take care of yourself. Not him. No one gets a free pass for abuse because they are ASD, Bipolar or whatever. No one. He's made it abundantly clear what he thinks about you. It's not going to change. It's not going to get better. In fact, it may get worse.

Because you work together you need to think about how all this could potentially affect your job. A situation like this is a supervisor's nightmare. If they are a good supervisor, that is. You need to know who is on your side and who is not. Because I guarantee this guy is going to be taking his act into the workplace, if he hasn't already, and what happens next may well depend on what standing either one of you have. I know because I have experienced a similar situation regarding a co-worker who was just that, a co-worker and not a romantic partner. Nasty one minute, nice the other. Classic example of keeping you off your feet. And yes, we were close friends (so I thought) until one day she changed, just like your partner. Then all the sh*t began. She started accusing me of being a drama queen and having meltdowns, all kinds of stuff like that. Right in front of the supervisor, who said nothing in my defense. So I don't know where I stand there. The good news, in my case, is that this person is getting transferred. I understand through the grapevine she has a history of this sort of thing and that this is her "last chance" to make things right. I don't know.

But that friendship ended a long time ago. I have no desire to resume it, and I think on some level she realizes that. Life is too short for me to spend my time hanging around people like that or even to try to figure out why they are the way they are. This guy, I hate to say it, because as a Unitarian-Universalist, I am taught to respect the inherent worth and dignity of all people (our First Principle), this guy is not worth your time. He may have inherent worth and dignity but that does not give him a free pass for bad behavior.

You might want to seek counseling at an organization like the YWCA that offers help to women who are in abusive relationships. They may give you advice on leaving him in case it proves difficult. But I would not stay any longer in that relationship than necessary.

 

[NT seeking a clue]

Thank you all so much. And for the laughs (kick him in the throat! Lol). I am sorry I haven't been back on here for months, work has been almost as crazy as THAT man. The verbal abuse escalated even further, to the point where I am now in week 5 of consultations with a psychologist. This lady seems to think by what I have described, that this man is in fact a Sociopath (even worse than a Narcicist, gulp). I didn't reveal this to him of course, however, I did tell him that he is a dangerous man. He has now taken it to work and requested not to be my buddy anymore, he is in the process of turning all the abuse around and is going to try and make me out as the abuser and him the victim. Luckily, I have saved every text message he has sent me for the past 2 years, and I have the anxiety provoking task of going through them this weekend, to print out 10 examples with relation to work, when he has abused me and called me Dumbass or told me to F off (incase I need them). I have called a meeting with my bosses for as soon as possible. I can't do this anymore. I am so hurt and demoralised right now. And I'm sorry if I've wasted time on your brilliant site, full of lovely people, that I clearly didn't brlong on. The reason that I say that is because while watching 50 shades of grey last week, I nearly choked on my popcorn.. Mr Grey doesn't sleep in the same bed as women, is not photographed in public with women, does not do relationships, will not let her touch him during sex! This guy had read the books, and took on the role!... If only I hadn't given up 1/2 way through the first book, I would have known what he was doing. I hope this finds everyone well, and thank you for your great supportive comments. I have to now preserve my job against whatever he is planning. x

 

[NT seeking a clue]

Thank you all so much. And for the laughs (kick him in the throat! Lol). I am sorry I haven't been back on here for months, work has been almost as crazy as THAT man. The verbal abuse escalated even further, to the point where I am now in week 5 of consultations with a psychologist. This lady seems to think by what I have described, that this man is in fact a Sociopath (even worse than a Narcicist, gulp). I didn't reveal this to him of course, however, I did tell him that he is a dangerous man. He has now taken it to work and requested not to be my buddy anymore, he is in the process of turning all the abuse around and is going to try and make me out as the abuser and him the victim. Luckily, I have saved every text message he has sent me for the past 2 years, and I have the anxiety provoking task of going through them this weekend, to print out 10 examples with relation to work, when he has abused me and called me Dumbass or told me to F off (incase I need them). I have called a meeting with my bosses for as soon as possible. I can't do this anymore. I am so hurt and demoralised right now. And I'm sorry if I've wasted time on your brilliant site, full of lovely people, that I clearly didn't brlong on. The reason that I say that is because while watching 50 shades of grey last week, I nearly choked on my popcorn.. Mr Grey doesn't sleep in the same bed as women, is not photographed in public with women, does not do relationships, will not let her touch him during sex! This guy had read the books, and took on the role!... If only I hadn't given up 1/2 way through the first book, I would have known what he was doing. I hope this finds everyone well, and thank you for your great supportive comments. I have to now preserve my job against whatever he is planning. x

All of the Christian Grey behaviours are what led me to believe this fraud was an Innocent Aspie

 

[NT seeking a clue]

This is a work email I recieved yesterday from him. This makes me think he is definitely setting himself or me up for something. I have been on leave for two weeks and am due back at work on Tuesday. My leave has been marred by him (as usual) and now he is claiming harrasment. I can't believe this is happening. I am numb but I will not let him use me as some kind of scapegoat. I will gather what's left of my dignity and show my bosses the history of abuse, and what I have been subjected to for months on end.

It is NOT my problem you did not pass the information onto all your staff. Obviously all your other staff had the information and sent me their timesheets. I do not chase up staff if they don't submit their timesheets on time. Nor is it my job to do so. If you do it, that's up to you. If you have a problem with anything I do, please feel free to bring it up with my supervisor Megan or Deb and Glen. After which I will be submitting formal grievances towards you. Valerie was contacted Friday morning and asked to submit her timesheet to me because you were on leave. She said she sent it to you. I told her you were on leave and to send it to me. I am not required to contact you and ask you for the timesheet while you are on leave. She said its ok if she isn't paid this fortnight to which I replied if she emails the timesheet to me before 10.30am today I will get it processed. which she said she would do. She received a call and a text to submit her timesheet. I don't afford that courtesy to my own staff. And for your information, I will submit her timesheet right now. If payment process it, that's fine. If for some reason its too late, then it can be processed next fortnight

Yes I did assist you the first pay period during my leave or you would have made large errors in pay which would have been problematic to rectify. I will not afford you the same consideration as all you have done with your interference is make my job difficult, and if you continue to do so in any way in the future I will be reporting it back to my supervisor.

Just so you are aware, I am fed up with the harassment I receive from you at work and away from work. If this does not stop, I will pursue grievances against you at work, and I will file harassment charges against you away from work. Because of your constant harassment, I am considering leaving work, to get you out of my life completely. My supervisors and Deb and Glen will be made aware of this if it comes to me resigning my position, during an exit interview which I will request. At the minimum, I will be meeting with Megan to finalise the process to remove me from being your Coordinator buddy. After which, there will not need to be significant contact between us. I also insist that you never contact me again outside of work hours, as this sort of harassment is adversely affecting my well being and if it continues I will take legal action against you. It is a shame it has come to this, but I am frustrated at your inability to abide by my simple request to be left alone.

 

[Ylva]

Not sure if there are psychopath forums out there, but not convinced they'd help you there either.

 

[NT seeking a clue]

Not sure if there are psychopath forums out there, but not convinced they'd help you there either.

Lol there probably are, but I don't suppose the actual psychopaths would help. I'm done researching on the topic of someone I thought was innocently struggling through life, who according to my psychologist, has actually preyed on me all along. I'm tired. Thank you anyway

 

[Spinning Compass]

Sounds like classic "gaslighting". This guy is dangerous, do not underestimate him. Thank God my situation was not like that. And it has been resolved.

I agree with you about the psychologist. Don't try to figure out his head any more. What you most likely need is a lawyer. But before that, you need to discreetly find out who your allies are at work and if it comes down to a "his word against yours" situation, who is most likely to be believed. Who has more seniority? Him or you? Generally, the longer you have been at a workplace, the more likely it is that you will be the one to be believed, especially if you have already built up a strong reputation long before he came onto the scene. But if it is the other way around, where he's established the reputation and relationships and you are the new kid on the block who still needs to prove who she is, then I'm afraid you have a tough battle ahead of you. If he is bluffing, and you know he is bluffing and that nobody in HR will take him seriously, then let him bluff. If he wants to leave because of you, well, you know what they say. "Don't let the door hit you in the ass." If he is not a good worker, and from the tone of his email he comes across as verbally abusive, then HR will be well glad to be rid of him. They are not likely to come back on you because of what he says in his exit interview. Good luck.

 

[NT seeking a clue]

Thank you for your advice Spinning Compass.

He started at the job one month before me and told me there was another position open, and to apply.

We worked together at a different company for two months prior to my brain surgery ( he was my new manager), I was off work for four months after the surgery, then when I went back, he pursued me quite hard, telling me how much he liked me, he cared about me etc etc. at first I resisted but after two weeks of this daily, I gave in, gave him my complete trust and fell in love.

In this job that he effectively got me, we are equals. (my own resume got me the position, but he was even my reference)

The people at work think that he is strange, including our bosses (who are a married couple in their 50's), but I have always defended him, thinking he had Asburger syndrome. I thought him getting me the job was the only way he knew how to keep me in his life. I never dreamed it was to destroy my self esteem and pick apart everything about me.

As I look back, he has always demeaned me. He stepped it up hugely once the intimacy started.

I am hoping to have a meeting with my bosses in the next couple of days (I have requested this) because I have been abused and will not let him use me as a scape goat now.

 

[DonRojo]

Hi all

I'm new to this site today, but have been reading threads on here for a while, trying to gain some insight into the Aspie man I'm in love with.

We met in Feb of 2013. He was my new manager. Because he hadn't been given a sufficient handover, I helped in his new role to make things easier on him.

The first time he met me he was fumbling his words and couldn't really say more than 3 words whilst looking at me, things progresses and we developed a friendship.
By April we talked on the phone for an hour a day while I was working (general chit chat about work) and I had emergency surgery which was major.

He came to see me in hospital once. (Something he now says he would have done for everyone)

I returned to work after 4 months of recovery, and the company were not good to work for then. He pursued me, paid me so much attention and made me feel like we were perfectly the same in every way. He even mentioned that we must have been twins in a past life.

About a month later, due to the troubles with the workplace He told me he had resigned, so I decided to leave too. He had a new job to start and called me to tell me to apply as this small company needed someone else. I did, with my resume and his reference I got the position.

We have worked there for just over a year together now. I knew he was a shy and awkward person socially so I thought because he liked me but hadn't made physical advances, this was the only way he could think to keep me in his life.

Fast track a year now. We've spent literally thousands of hours on the phone, we would have 8 hour phone conversations, I wanted all along for it to progress to him coming round, which he would do maybe once every 3 months, it was awkward at times because he wouldn't make much eye contact, but I found his presence calming and liked been around him.

We talked about intimacy a lot and he would tell me about the number of women who are after him. He once mentioned that he wouldn't have sex before marriage but he contradicts himself so much that when he said he had slept with 5 or 6 women I thought the usual (don't know what's true, to myself). He has known for a year that I'm in live with him. He told me that he had never been in love before or really got to know a girl, told me he can't sleep in the same bed as anyone and would make ex gfs leave after sex.

We talked about kissing 4 months ago and he came to my house with the goal of me kissing him (he said he wouldn't initiate) I was shy by then so he told me to kiss him at the end of the night. I did and it was beautiful.

These visits have continued and progressed to sex, he will come, be beautiful and spend the next week berating me in the telephone, lashing out and telling me I'm not special to him.

The gentleness I have displayed along with copious patience and love over the last 18 months are being met with phsycological abuse to a big degree.

It's as though he can't let anything be nice, he always has to put a negative spin on anything positive and it hurts me so much. Everyone we work with thinks he is strange and asks me so many questions about him ( they don't know what's going on behind the scenes) and all I do is get defensive as I am protective of him.

I stopped my directors from having a talk to him 2 weeks ago about his 'arrogant behaviour' in team meetings, as I told them he may just disappear if they do, and his disabled clients love him. He doesn't know I did that or there was a problem.

He told me in derogatory terms that all I am to him is a pair of t**ts, when I objected and told him how much it hurt me, he backed it up by saying that when my clothes are off, I'm a piece of meat and when they're on I'm me.

The first time we were sexually intimate I swear he was a virgin.. He was a nervous wreck. He says he doesn't need sex at all. We have done it 6 or 7 times now and he got better (relaxed wise) each time.

He would say the most beautiful things to me while intimate, go home and spend the next week being so Nasty and mysoginistic to me. He ended our 'arrangement' (as he calls it) weekly, before I would ask him to come back. I hung up the phone on our last conversation a week and a half ago and he will now not talk to me.

He has said our arrangement is over again. Were at a bit of a stale mate now but I love him, I miss him but I hate the way he makes me feel about myself.

Is this behaviour typical of Aspie men? I have mentioned asburgers to him a few times but he calls me a dumb b**ch, the C word and says I'm the most selfish b**ch he has ever met.

Please tell me what I can do ?

You can never be sure. But my guts tells me he doesn't like his own emotions. And hence he is not attacking you, but himself. If that was the case...it far worse than it seems. Because he might be madly in love . But I also recognize the lack of recognition of himself. Which also support that. In a Neurotypical Male I would say all those berating things where exactly that, berating. How ever in his case you can't be sure.

I had a friend once (an ex)..and she was madly in love with a not to stable man. And on all sides it was obvious they where. But they denied it to themselves and up only hurting each other. That unstable man was not Autistic, he was manic depressive. So the comparison is not perfect. But he would hurt her and she didn't understand, but I noticed (correctly at the end)....he wasn't hostile to her. But to himself. Anyways the wall of pain got so big that it became unworkable. I can image an Autistic person to perform the same kind of actions. But then again, I could be wrong.

If I would want an answer. I would let him pour out his heart out against a friend. Who will tell you what he said. Because you are not getting the truth (not a lie either) out of him as long as he doesn't change his feelings (or attempts at showing his feelings) in an attempt to please you. He could be an utter B****** . But he can also be the sweetest thing with a really REALLY rough personality. An other option, that would have worked for me, is to share it with a relationship Councillor. Because he might open up to the professional and let the professional phrase it the right way. And I say this out of optimism, not negativeness. However you don't know what it is, unless you find out somehow. And I don't think you heart can take much longer. Or am I wrong? However getting him to a friend or a Councillor is an whole other matter . But might make him very defensive, and you should avoid that. The thing is he has got to feel safe somehow. However, if he wasn't Aspie.....I would have been very pessimistic. Which is exactly what your feelings are telling you and I would advice in that way, not to trust your feelings. But you don't know what it is really. You can't know. Oh yeah, and what also work for me is if I can write it down somewhere safe. It is not that I mind somebody reading it, it is that in my case, I worry she is not going to approve.