Difficulty recognising a friend as a friend

[Suzanne]

It also took me years to appreciate the difference between acquaintances and friendship or just someone being friendly becausde they are just that, friendly.

I met my first REAL friend in the ladies toilet lol She was washing her hands and when I came out, she laughed because she thought it was someone else in the toilet and we got chatting and she told me that she is learning English (she is French) and we both said how strange it is but we felt that we would become great friends and that is what has happened! The trouble is: getting to know one, I am always nervious because many times, I have had a potential friend and ends up not being one at all and I have to say it is because they do not like me as they get to know me! This one is different actually but she does joke with a barbed wire attached and to a sensitive person, hard to take!

What I discovered fairly recently is that actually, there are some I do not like very much; before I was too wrapped up in that they didn't like me and thus, very reluctant for people to get to know me!

 

[STR]

Thanks for posting that video. I have always been attracted to intelligent brains. My NT female acquaintance is extremely bright and academic, which is why I enjoy conversing with her so much. She is willing to answer a lot of questions and willing to explore ideas with me in a way that most other people are unwilling or unable to do. I think it's fair to say that I've had a lot of "intellectual orgasms" from our conversations.

 

[STR]

Is it at all possible that what she meant was she has a ROMANTIC interest in you, rather than just a friendship interest?

It's a good question. I am (of course) completely unable to discern whether someone is interested in me, and I always assume that they are not.

I have waffled back and forth between two (extreme) explanations for her behavior: (1) she doesn't really like me as a friend, doesn't find me interesting, doesn't enjoy spending time with me, or (2) she does like me as a friend, or even might have been interested in being "more than friends", but keeps her distance out of respect for my marriage.

I can make a case for either explanation, but I can't really know for sure which is accurate. My default setting is to assume that people don't like me, so I would lean toward #1. But #1 doesn't really explain why she suggests that we get together to chat, and it also doesn't explain why she seems to enjoy our conversations so much. (She has also stated explicitly that she enjoys our conversations...)

 

[Suzanne]

It's a good question. I am (of course) completely unable to discern whether someone is interested in me, and I always assume that they are not.

I have waffled back and forth between two (extreme) explanations for her behavior: (1) she doesn't really like me as a friend, doesn't find me interesting, doesn't enjoy spending time with me, or (2) she does like me as a friend, or even might have been interested in being "more than friends", but keeps her distance out of respect for my marriage.

I can make a case for either explanation, but I can't really know for sure which is accurate. My default setting is to assume that people don't like me, so I would lean toward #1. But #1 doesn't really explain why she suggests that we get together to chat, and it also doesn't explain why she seems to enjoy our conversations so much. (She has also stated explicitly that she enjoys our conversations...)

I think you should ASK her what she meant to mean! I am constantly being prompted to do the same thing!

 

[STR]

I think you should ASK her what she meant to mean!

Hmmm...that idea is so crazy that it just might work...It would be nice to have some peace of mind rather than constantly trying to figure out something that I can't figure out on my own because I don't have enough information.

 

[Suzanne]

It's a good question. I am (of course) completely unable to discern whether someone is interested in me, and I always assume that they are not.

I have waffled back and forth between two (extreme) explanations for her behavior: (1) she doesn't really like me as a friend, doesn't find me interesting, doesn't enjoy spending time with me, or (2) she does like me as a friend, or even might have been interested in being "more than friends", but keeps her distance out of respect for my marriage.

I can make a case for either explanation, but I can't really know for sure which is accurate. My default setting is to assume that people don't like me, so I would lean toward #1. But #1 doesn't really explain why she suggests that we get together to chat, and it also doesn't explain why she seems to enjoy our conversations so much. (She has also stated explicitly that she enjoys our conversations...)

Honestly, you sound so much like me lol I have a similar situation going on actually, with another guy who is NT and it drives me crazy and I have got to the point, that I wish to heck, he would just disappear off the face of this earth!!!!! Anyway, if you could see me talking to myself, you would be in awe with how much you and I are alike lol

 

[STR]

Honestly, you sound so much like me lol I have a similar situation going on actually, with another guy who is NT and it drives me crazy and I have got to the point, that I wish to heck, he would just disappear off the face of this earth!!!!! Anyway, if you could see me talking to myself, you would be in awe with how much you and I are alike lol

It's nice to know that there are other people like me out there, though I suppose I feel sorry for you because being like me isn't necessarily a good thing...

I oscillate between wishing that I would never see my NT again vs. wishing we could be (platonic) best friends. I realized a few years ago that the amount of time I spend thinking about her and our conversations was taking my attention away from my wife, and since that realization, I decided that it would be best if I erred on the side of not seeing the NT any more than was necessary. But she's so darned fun to talk to that I have a hard time completely cutting the cord, especially since I don't have any other friends right now besides my wife...

 

[Suzanne]

It's nice to know that there are other people like me out there, though I suppose I feel sorry for you because being like me isn't necessarily a good thing...

I oscillate between wishing that I would never see my NT again vs. wishing we could be (platonic) best friends. I realized a few years ago that the amount of time I spend thinking about her and our conversations was taking my attention away from my wife, and since that realization, I decided that it would be best if I erred on the side of not seeing the NT any more than was necessary. But she's so darned fun to talk to that I have a hard time completely cutting the cord, especially since I don't have any other friends right now besides my wife...

I get what you mean so much and actually it is very wrong of both of us to have these thoughts for someone other than our spouses! That is why I do everything I can to calm my bad heart down, because my husband does not deserve this from me; especially as I have not been faithful in the past to him. A mixture of sexual abuse and aspie, me thinks. Yep this other guy is so nice and fun and makes me laugh and so interesting to talk to and I just love that!

 

[STR]

I get what you mean so much and actually it is very wrong of both of us to have these thoughts for someone other than our spouses! That is why I do everything I can to calm my bad heart down, because my husband does not deserve this from me; especially as I have not been faithful in the past to him. A mixture of sexual abuse and aspie, me thinks. Yep this other guy is so nice and fun and makes me laugh and so interesting to talk to and I just love that!

It was brought to my attention a few years ago that (on my end, not hers) my relationship with the NT perfectly matched the definition of an "emotional affair", which was a bit of a shock to me because I had convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that I wasn't doing any harm. I've invested a lot of hard work and emotional energy aimed at ending the emotional affair and either cutting the cord completely with the NT or transitioning into a normal and appropriate relationship, whatever that might look like.

 

[pushpin]

It was brought to my attention a few years ago that (on my end, not hers) my relationship with the NT perfectly matched the definition of an "emotional affair", which was a bit of a shock to me because I had convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that I wasn't doing any harm. I've invested a lot of hard work and emotional energy aimed at ending the emotional affair and either cutting the cord completely with the NT or transitioning into a normal and appropriate relationship, whatever that might look like.

Yes, emotional affair were the words that came to mind as I was reading your latest posts. I have no real experience in this, but from what I've read, emotional affairs can hurt more than physical ones.

 

[Suzanne]

It was brought to my attention a few years ago that (on my end, not hers) my relationship with the NT perfectly matched the definition of an "emotional affair", which was a bit of a shock to me because I had convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that I wasn't doing any harm. I've invested a lot of hard work and emotional energy aimed at ending the emotional affair and either cutting the cord completely with the NT or transitioning into a normal and appropriate relationship, whatever that might look like.

I had an emotional affair online and it tore me apart and left me feeling very tired and scared and so glad, I got past it, because I very nearly left my husband because of this chap! There was no chance of us meeting, for being social phobic, there was no way, I was going to his country and I refused point blank for him to come to my country, but fall in love we did and I hated it with a passion!! And now, this other man, who one moment, I am sure he feels for me as I feel for him and another, I am not sure, but no way am I ever going to actually ask lol he is just my little fantasy - ouch!

 

[On the Inside]

I have had a very similar situation that has stretched on for nearly 20 years, on and off. The trouble is, it has not been strictly platonic at times on both sides (we have not been intimate), so even though I really have a strong connection with this person, and miss interacting with her a great deal, I can't. It has caused trouble in both my previous and current relationships, and caused trouble in her marriage as well.

It has recently been described by others as an emotional affair, the first time I'd heard of that concept.

We've tried establishing boundaries, we've tried no contact (which hasn't been hard, she lives about an hour away, we would never cross paths unless we tried), next is just to try to erase her from my memory and move far away.

 

[STR]

I get what you mean so much and actually it is very wrong of both of us to have these thoughts for someone other than our spouses! That is why I do everything I can to calm my bad heart down, because my husband does not deserve this from me; especially as I have not been faithful in the past to him. A mixture of sexual abuse and aspie, me thinks. Yep this other guy is so nice and fun and makes me laugh and so interesting to talk to and I just love that!

One of the most helpful books I've ever read ("The Heart of Commitment: Compelling Research that Reveals the Secrets of a Lifelong, Intimate Marriage" by Scott Stanley) changed my entire perspective on interacting with other females besides my wife. I can't speak highly enough of the book. Among other things, it has multiple chapters on dealing with "attractive alternatives", which are people we meet that distract our attention away from our spouses because they might seem more interesting, or good-looking, or "compatible" in some way.

One of the things the book talks about is how it is common (and even predictable) for the conversations we have with our spouse to be less exciting than conversations we might have attractive alternatives, because with our spouses we have to deal with all of the unsavory aspects of life, such as money, kids, hurts and disappointments, etc., whereas with other people we are free to only talk about fun and interesting subjects. But the key point is that if we were to leave our spouse and join up with someone else, we would then find ourselves having to deal with the unsavory parts of life with the new person as well, and we probably wouldn't be any happier than we were before.

 

[STR]

Yes, emotional affair were the words that came to mind as I was reading your latest posts. I have no real experience in this, but from what I've read, emotional affairs can hurt more than physical ones.

I believe that to be true. The irony is that most people who engage in emotional affairs are likely to believe that they aren't harming anyone and that they aren't "cheating" on their partner because they're not having sex with the other person.

 

[STR]

I had an emotional affair online and it tore me apart and left me feeling very tired and scared and so glad, I got past it, because I very nearly left my husband because of this chap! There was no chance of us meeting, for being social phobic, there was no way, I was going to his country and I refused point blank for him to come to my country, but fall in love we did and I hated it with a passion!! And now, this other man, who one moment, I am sure he feels for me as I feel for him and another, I am not sure, but no way am I ever going to actually ask lol he is just my little fantasy - ouch!

Until a few years ago when I realized that I had a lot of problems that needed to be fixed, I constantly fantasized about women other than my wife. I didn't think I was doing any harm, but I was wrong. In general, I have found that the more I think about other women, the less content I am with my wife, and vice versa. Through a lot of hard work and concerted effort, I have reached a point where I no longer fantasize about other women, and I've been much happier in my marriage as a result.

 

[STR]

I have had a very similar situation that has stretched on for nearly 20 years, on and off. The trouble is, it has not been strictly platonic at times on both sides (we have not been intimate), so even though I really have a strong connection with this person, and miss interacting with her a great deal, I can't. It has caused trouble in both my previous and current relationships, and caused trouble in her marriage as well.

It has recently been described by others as an emotional affair, the first time I'd heard of that concept.

We've tried establishing boundaries, we've tried no contact (which hasn't been hard, she lives about an hour away, we would never cross paths unless we tried), next is just to try to erase her from my memory and move far away.

That's really tough, On the Inside. One thing I have realized about my situation with my NT is that I brought it all upon myself, and have no one to blame other than myself for any pain or sadness I might feel. It's hard to think about erasing someone from your memory. It's probably impossible to do, but even if it were possible, there is a sense of loss associated with the idea of trying to forget someone special.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I've gotten to where I refer to everybody as an acquaintance unless we do a lot of functions together or chat a lot.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have had a very similar situation that has stretched on for nearly 20 years, on and off. The trouble is, it has not been strictly platonic at times on both sides (we have not been intimate), so even though I really have a strong connection with this person, and miss interacting with her a great deal, I can't. It has caused trouble in both my previous and current relationships, and caused trouble in her marriage as well.

It has recently been described by others as an emotional affair, the first time I'd heard of that concept.

We've tried establishing boundaries, we've tried no contact (which hasn't been hard, she lives about an hour away, we would never cross paths unless we tried), next is just to try to erase her from my memory and move far away.

Oh my. I'm just going to say that I would be extremely hurt (to the point of possible divorce) if my "hunny" had a close relationship like what you guys are talking about. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and if that's not the case then it's best to sever that relationship. Would you be ok for your wife to have a close "friendship" with another guy? Maybe Aspies think totally different about this stuff. A friendship of any kind should be straight forward, but where men and women are concerned it never is.

 

[STR]

A friendship of any kind should be straight forward, but where men and women are concerned it never is.

So true. I only really learned this from my experience with the NT. Prior to that, I guess I thought I could be friends with a (single) woman without it causing any problems. Now I'm inclined to believe that trying to make friends outside your marriage with people of the same sex as your partner is generally not a good idea.

 

[On the Inside]

Oh my. I'm just going to say that I would be extremely hurt (to the point of possible divorce) if my "hunny" had a close relationship like what you guys are talking about. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and if that's not the case then it's best to sever that relationship. Would you be ok for your wife to have a close "friendship" with another guy? Maybe Aspies think totally different about this stuff. A friendship of any kind should be straight forward, but where men and women are concerned it never is.

I might think differently on this, not sure about other Aspies, obviously STR doesn't, but he said he has done a lot of hard work on the issue. (Thanks for the book reference). It is OK by me if my partner has a close male friend, (she does). I won't say I can't be jealous, but I realize that I might not be able to fulfill the necessary emotional needs at all times. And I trust my partner, and if she felt that someone else would be a better partner for her, we could negotiate. I know I'm not always the easiest person to live with, and sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

I have a hard time considering most people as more than acquaintances. I've had people I considered friends who turned out to not be as near and dear as I thought, and either rejected me or tried to manipulate or take advantage of me. I have trouble establishing and enforcing boundaries, regardless of gender. For me to find someone with whom I share common interests, and feel accepted by, and can talk freely with is a rare thing. And I've always gotten on better with women than with men (all of my siblings are females). Generally don't like the energy around most guys, I am constantly feeling I don't measure up.

This friendship I've brought up is that kind of thing. It caused trouble in my first marriage because, well, I liked her better than my ex-wife, she was a better person, and I felt bad about that. My ex was not faithful to me, and while we were able to resolve that, eventually she no longer wanted to be married to me. Sometime after we split, she actually encouraged me to pursue a relationship with this friend.

My current partner has said that she would prefer me to be friends with her, and just establish and enforce boundaries, and keep in mind the trust she is placing in me. That is pretty bold and generous of her, but she knows how isolated I can get. I spend almost all my time at work, or with her and our son. Other times I spend in solitary pursuits. I know that I would not betray the trust she would be placing in me, but I'm aware that it's just seen as inappropriate.