Difficulty recognising a friend as a friend

[STR]

I have a hard time considering most people as more than acquaintances. I've had people I considered friends who turned out to not be as near and dear as I thought, and either rejected me or tried to manipulate or take advantage of me. I have trouble establishing and enforcing boundaries, regardless of gender. For me to find someone with whom I share common interests, and feel accepted by, and can talk freely with is a rare thing. And I've always gotten on better with women than with men (all of my siblings are females). Generally don't like the energy around most guys, I am constantly feeling I don't measure up.

This is exactly the way I am, too. In the rare instances where I meet someone that I connect with and can actually have a real conversation with, I become attached very quickly and want to spend lots of time with the person (usually more time than they want to spend with me). I also go from "zero" to "sharing lots of personal information" very quickly with such people, often more quickly than they are comfortable with. I am much more comfortable with females, as I find them to be more accepting, nurturing, and empathetic. Most men scare me, and I always feel "unmanly" around other men.

 

[Maelstrom]

I am much more comfortable with females, as I find them to be more accepting, nurturing, and empathetic. Most men scare me, and I always feel "unmanly" around other men.

Hi I understand the sentiment, as a auspie I find that I gravitate towards non threatening non aggressive people. And females are a bit less aggressive on whole than males. But it can cause trouble as male female friendship is easily seen as a affair. Lost a good friend at church that way, all it takes is one jerk and the whole thing comes down kike a house of cards. In the end if you are single you can have single girlfriends, if you are married, male friends only, anything else and be prepared to take some hits. Sad but marriage does shut some doors, and bad things can happen if you don't watch certain boundries. Just go look for a easygoing fishing buddy and call it a day.

 

[STR]

Hi I understand the sentiment, as a auspie I find that I gravitate towards non threatening non aggressive people. And females are a bit less aggressive on whole than males. But it can cause trouble as male female friendship is easily seen as a affair. Lost a good friend at church that way, all it takes is one jerk and the whole thing comes down kike a house of cards. In the end if you are single you can have single girlfriends, if you are married, male friends only, anything else and be prepared to take some hits. Sad but marriage does shut some doors, and bad things can happen if you don't watch certain boundries. Just go look for a easygoing fishing buddy and call it a day.

This is sad but seemingly true. In my case, my wife doesn't like to do things with other couples, so I can't really even have female friends that way, either. (My wife prefers to do things with her friends, but not as couples). The book I mentioned up above talks a lot about "grieving the losses that come with commitment". When we say "I do" to one person, we are essentially saying "I don't" to everyone else. It can be painful when we realize what we have given up by making a marital commitment, but the important thing is to work through an actual grieving process rather than becoming depressed or dominated by regret.

 

[On the Inside]

This is exactly the way I am, too. In the rare instances where I meet someone that I connect with and can actually have a real conversation with, I become attached very quickly and want to spend lots of time with the person (usually more time than they want to spend with me). I also go from "zero" to "sharing lots of personal information" very quickly with such people, often more quickly than they are comfortable with. I am much more comfortable with females, as I find them to be more accepting, nurturing, and empathetic. Most men scare me, and I always feel "unmanly" around other men.

I used to be more that way when I was younger, becoming attached quickly, going from zero to over sharing. I've tempered that as I've matured, but it has left me feeling more isolated, but it may have averted some trouble as well.

About being more comfortable with women, that makes it hard. I've tried to have friendships with men who share common interests, but I want to talk about different things than they do, and they seem to tire of me or I tire of them. And the less "manly" feeling. I am pretty athletic, but not in the "team sports" way, I run, bike and ski. And I'm not very macho. I meditate, practice yoga, that sort of thing.

 

[inabox]

I kind of appreciate what you're saying. I get a bit too enthusiastic at first, over sharing and I don't know but maybe I push people away by doing this.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I might think differently on this, not sure about other Aspies, obviously STR doesn't, but he said he has done a lot of hard work on the issue. (Thanks for the book reference). It is OK by me if my partner has a close male friend, (she does). I won't say I can't be jealous, but I realize that I might not be able to fulfill the necessary emotional needs at all times. And I trust my partner, and if she felt that someone else would be a better partner for her, we could negotiate. I know I'm not always the easiest person to live with, and sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

I have a hard time considering most people as more than acquaintances. I've had people I considered friends who turned out to not be as near and dear as I thought, and either rejected me or tried to manipulate or take advantage of me. I have trouble establishing and enforcing boundaries, regardless of gender. For me to find someone with whom I share common interests, and feel accepted by, and can talk freely with is a rare thing. And I've always gotten on better with women than with men (all of my siblings are females). Generally don't like the energy around most guys, I am constantly feeling I don't measure up.

This friendship I've brought up is that kind of thing. It caused trouble in my first marriage because, well, I liked her better than my ex-wife, she was a better person, and I felt bad about that. My ex was not faithful to me, and while we were able to resolve that, eventually she no longer wanted to be married to me. Sometime after we split, she actually encouraged me to pursue a relationship with this friend.

My current partner has said that she would prefer me to be friends with her, and just establish and enforce boundaries, and keep in mind the trust she is placing in me. That is pretty bold and generous of her, but she knows how isolated I can get. I spend almost all my time at work, or with her and our son. Other times I spend in solitary pursuits. I know that I would not betray the trust she would be placing in me, but I'm aware that it's just seen as inappropriate.

I'm just going to say this and you can take it however you wish. NT women bond more emotionally than sexually (for most). The more your partner is with this male friend she is bonding emotionally. She needs to get her emotional needs met with female NT friends. You're playing with fire by letting her carry on any close friendships with men. A man who can fulfill an NT woman's emotional needs is a keeper. I don't know if Aspie women are the same.

 

[On the Inside]

I'm just going to say this and you can take it however you wish. NT women bond more emotionally than sexually (for most). The more your partner is with this male friend she is bonding emotionally. She needs to get her emotional needs met with female NT friends. You're playing with fire by letting her carry on any close friendships with men. A man who can fulfill an NT woman's emotional needs is a keeper. I don't know if Aspie women are the same.

Well, that is one area where my partner and I are similar, but opposite. She (an NT) has always been more comfortable with males, I've been more comfortable with females. It may be playing with fire, but we are both pretty secure in ourselves, spend most of our time either together or alone. Neither of us spend much time with other people, and when we do, prefer to be in small groups. We're both pretty introverted.

One other thing about "playing with fire", while it might seem that Aspies would be fearful of rocking the boat, I'm actually pretty comfortable with questioning convention, and I am non judgmental to a fault, so if there is something that comes up that calls into question someones commitment to me, I'll respectfully listen and see if things can be accommodated. I very much live by the principle "live and let live".

I was not diagnosed when our relationship started, and it isn't clear yet that my partner fully accepts and understands that diagnosis, or accepts it as a part of me, so things are tenuous. I am amazed that she has hung with me through the trials and tribulations that led to my diagnosis. Looking back, I wouldn't have faulted her for leaving, but at the same time, we might be forging something much stronger. While I crave security as most people do, and like a lot of Aspies, I don't like change all that much, I am also used to things being tenuous.

 

[On the Inside]

Um, I'm done with this thread. Looks as if I over shared and some people are getting the wrong impression.

But it has been a good discussion about recognizing when a friend is a friend. It can get complicated. Keep things small and simple, or let things get more complicated. What do you want, what can you handle?

Relationships are hard. Bottom line is, friends can help or they can complicate things. Openness and communication with your partner is needed to work that out.

 

[Maelstrom]

Um, I'm done with this thread. Looks as if I over shared and some people are getting the wrong impression.

I apologize I was speaking in general, I removed my post, I shouldn't tread where angels fear to. Is a hard thing for me, wanting so much and not having my girl and a child to come home to. It is such a wonderful thing, it hurts to see it maybe slipping away for others. Maybe I'm not tough enough for this site, some of this stuff breaks my heart. I know as a H/F I have it better, and still some days I can barely hold the line. I really don't know how some of you all survive this stuff. Sorry!

 

[STR]

I am very fortunate that I was able to end my emotional affair with the NT before it caused irreparable damage to my marriage. That's not to say that it didn't cause any damage, but the damage was not fatal and I think most of it has shown itself to be fixable. The main problem I have with the NT is that she lives in the apartment directly above me, which means that I can hear her moving around every day, which means that I am triggered to think about her every day as a result...

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="STR, I am very fortunate that I was able to end my emotional affair with the NT before it caused irreparable damage to my marriage. [/QUOTE]

I was not implying a affair, I have had similer friendships, I think it is a aspie thing. But no matter how inocent, the perception of a affair, can cause unintended damage, unfortunately. It seems the older you get the more landmines there are to step on. We just had a divorce not to long ago in one of our churches, out side friends, wife not going with husband when he went to car meets, or played music. Small separations and resentments can take their toll over time. A little weeding and watering of the garden, is need in all relationships from time to time. Best wishes and good luck with everything.

 

[danielcollins]

Yep, much like a lot of aspie traits it's very black and white... I don't really recognise they're a friend until something that hints at that happens (like getting a christmas card).

The most confusing ones are work friends, I never know when it crosses beyond that "chummy" work mate line into "we're friends" thing. It's an odd relationship to have

 

[paloftoon]

As a married couple, you should ask your wife beforehand if she's okay with you being with and so and so, and always ask her if doing something with so and so is okay beforehand if they are the opposite sex. She should do the same for you. Either that, or go as a couple to meet someone of the opposite sex, but that does not seem to be an option for you. Many NT couples and people of opposite sex just don't like go through the "hassle" to meet anyone anyway.

 

[On the Inside]

As a married couple, you should ask your wife beforehand if she's okay with you being with and so and so, and always ask her if doing something with so and so is okay beforehand if they are the opposite sex. She should do the same for you. Either that, or go as a couple to meet someone of the opposite sex, but that does not seem to be an option for you. Many NT couples and people of opposite sex just don't like go through the "hassle" to meet anyone anyway.

I agree that setting boundaries beforehand is important. Or having the policy of meeting together, if possible/interested.

Your last sentence has been my modus operandi for five or six years now. Actually that has been true for men and women, as I've just been trying to keep my life small and manageable.