Do not know what to do about this, anymore.

[Mia]

I've written a few of them. Wouldn't dream of sending them. I'm considering a fiery viking funeral of those letters. Much like Sheldon in big band theory. Paper boat filled with those letters, set on fire in the lake with a flaming arrow

 

[Judge]

The decision to socially "take no prisoners" is always a tough one. The sort of thing that I suspect many of us on the spectrum must deal with at one time or another.

However what counts the most IMO, is that once you have done so, is to remain as such.

 

[Juliettaa]

Hi Sis

Howdy Bro

The thread makes me sad. The posters on here are just a tip of the iceberg where autistic people are estranged from family members. Often we're scapegoats for whatever is going wrong in the other person's life.

 

[Varzar]

I agree with @Fridgemagnetman and @Juliettaa.
I've only ever seen a letter sent causing more grief, not less.
Write the letter if that makes you feel better, but I wouldn't send it.

 

[Tom]

They sound a little like something out of a Charles Dickens novel. I'll call them Ashford and Petunia Nobthrottle.

If it were me, I would not trust them. If they had acknowledged what they did wrong and made a genuine apology it would be different. But since they hadn't I would, as I believe already been suggested, politely ignor them. That is exchange the absolute minimum of pleasantries and give them nothing more. I certainly wouldn't write, as I would fear it might just be used against me. And it shouldn't be up to you also to do the work to repair a relationship. That ball is in their court and I would leave it to them.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Howdy Bro

The thread makes me sad. The posters on here are just a tip of the iceberg where autistic people are estranged from family members. Often we're scapegoats for whatever is going wrong in the other person's life.

I also go back to the Karpman drama triangle for this stuff.

In a way,its sad. Longer term,its a walk towards happiness.

Not to be confused with the Cartman drama triangle

 

[Juliettaa]

I also go back to the Karpman drama triangle for this stuff.

In a way,its sad. Longer term,its a walk towards happiness.

Not to be confused with the Cartman drama triangle

I know the Karpman triangle, but Cartman dramas are so much more fun

Karpman - for members not familiar: The Official Site of the Karpman Drama Triangle

 

[Mia]

The thread makes me sad. The posters on here are just a tip of the iceberg where autistic people are estranged from family members. Often we're scapegoats for whatever is going wrong in the other person's life.

But is it because were autistic, or often because we fight back when something is not right? That role requires a great deal of strength, whether were aware of it at the time or not. Recall the day I took on that role, was about eight years old and protecting my siblings.

 

[Juliettaa]

But is it because were autistic, or often because we fight back when something is not right? That role requires a great deal of strength, whether were aware of it at the time or not. Recall the day I took on that role, was about eight years old and protecting all my siblings.

I don't know whether it's being autistic that gives us the strength to confront when something isn't right or whether our moral code is just higher than 'normal' irrespective of autism.

My sense of justice has found me in 'hot water' more times than I care to remember though

@Mia, I also recall taking on the role of protector for my siblings. It's not a role that any child should have to face. It has lasting consequences; for me, in that I feel responsible for many things that really weren't/aren't my responsibility. Perhaps this is the same for you; why you're questioning your own judgement around these 'family' members, to whom you owe nothing?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

for me, in that I feel responsible for many things that really weren't/aren't my responsibility.

Very tough to unpick!

Lots of frustration, a sense of 'over-responsibility', parentification.

All fun stuff.

 

[Juliettaa]

Very tough to unpick!

Lots of frustration, a sense of 'over-responsibility', parentification.

All fun stuff.

Tough but doable. Resulting in acceptance that I wasn't, never have been, never will be, the parent, therefore not responsible for the neglect and abuse I endured. We endured.

Difference is - they self medicate, they would never, ever consider therapy and they're NT.

And the myth is that autistic people have no self awareness - hilarious!

Apologies @Mia for hijacking your thread somewhat. I'll shut up now

 

[Streetwise]

Very tough to unpick!

Lots of frustration, a sense of 'over-responsibility', parentification.

All fun stuff.

I don’t think it’s over responsibility ,I think it’s lack of perception of went to stop or to start ,it’s the old development label ,I just find it strange when the person dislikes something about you a lot ,that they keep contacting you ,it’s very hard to be cut off

 

[Mia]

@Mia, I also recall taking on the role of protector for my siblings. It's not a role that any child should have to face. It has lasting consequences; for me, in that I feel responsible for many things that really weren't/aren't my responsibility. Perhaps this is the same for you; why you're questioning your own judgement around these 'family' members, to whom you owe nothing?

So did I, felt responsible right into my forties. Not anymore, and it's taken many years. My husband helped me to understand that it was not my role. And I learned from him a great deal about this, related to his relationship with his own family which is estranged as well.

These distant family members are all that's left of my parent's generation, they're elderly and seem to want to make amends, surprisingly. It caught me off guard, as I've been no contact for six years. All those old feelings came back, from the first year of no contact. But they are quickly dissipating with this thread.

Your not hijacking Julietta, it's all connected.

 

[Trophonius]

I would ignore them.

You can ask yourself if you need that kind of people in your life. The legal relationship or filial bond that exists should be, in my opinion, meaningless — their behavior alone is what define how much I would want to be involved with someone.

I have had to do things like this in the past. And I don't think is resentment, because I do not wish them any harm, nor I think badly of those people anymore, it's just that they have hurt me in the past, and I find no reason to put myself through unnecessary pain.

 

[Misery]

One thing I think it's VERY important to keep in mind:

A single letter can tell you next to nothing about the thoughts, feelings, or intents of the person sending it. It simply cant. It is not enough communication to do that. Thinking otherwise is an extremely common mistake, and very often, it leads to even more problems that wouldnt have happened if the people involved had simply talked directly to each other. Been there, done that. That was probably 8 years ago that I made that mistake. I have regretted it ever since, and I always will, and it cannot be fixed at this point. The person on the other end is long gone and cannot be found again. Believe me, it's a VERY bad lesson to have to learn the hard way. All because I misunderstood something that was, in retrospect, rather obvious.

For instance, that "As for the past..." I can tell you right now what the general meaning of that statement is: "We both remember what happened in the past, it was a big, bad situation. You remember it, I remember it. There is no point in retelling the story here, if we are trying to move past it. The past is in the past, it is time to talk about the future".

This is the most common meaning of this phrase. It appears frequently not just in general conversation, but in literature as well. It is not traditionally an attempt to avoid acknowledging something... instead, it's the direct opposite: It IS the method of acknowledging the earlier incident. I myself use statements similar to this all the time. Most of the people in my life are typical NTs, and understand these statements immediately (so long as they're paying attention, that is...)

Keep in mind: Alot of us on the spectrum have great trouble in spotting things like this. The meaning of phrases like that often goes over our heads (even if it's directly explained to us in detail!), and I think many of us have a tendency to, well... not so much "forget" that fact, but to not WORK with that fact when working through a situation. We know the issue is there, yet we ignore it and stubbornly persist in a certain course of action. That's why NTs tend to get so incredibly frustrated at us. Because even if, from an intellectual standpoint, we already know we have an issue, we still perpetually fail to fix it or avoid it in one situation after another, and will make the same strange social mistakes over and over. I doubt I have to give examples.

The only way to REALLY know what's going through their heads and what they are after is direct communication. I'm talking face to face, or over the phone. A conversation that is immediate and at length, and without either side attacking each other (which includes interrupting when the other is talking) as a result of emotional overload.

Seriously. So very many conflicts and problems can be avoided by simply keeping these things in mind. A lesson I had to learn the very hard way.

I'm not trying to push one way or another for this specific situation. This is more general advice for situations like this.

 

[Aspychata]

The letter route? My family members would use it to skewer me a new piehole sponge bob style. See, look at this letter, this proves she is totally bonkers, what did you expect?

Totally hate that suddenly you are now in the loop, when being out of the loop was fine. You can just continue being out of the loop and not responding, it will contribute to National Enquirer talk of what's going on with Mia and family as the latest gossip.

 

[Gracey]

If you think having that sort of drama in your lives again will benefit yourself and Mr Mia
or present an opportunity to create harmony, if this is your wish,

start to include those relatives again and get involved, but on your terms.
- take no prisoners when speaking your mind, be true to yourself, let them see who you really are and remain steadfast in any fallout.

If you're hardwired to believe they're causing 'trouble' or there's agenda behind their relentless contact,
(far too much negative history to come to terms with)

don't bother

your life will continue as it has done for the past six years (with no contact)

If you prefer how your lives have been over the past six years, choose that.

It's all about what YOU want, and not what they want.

 

[Mia]

This is the most common meaning of this phrase. It appears frequently not just in general conversation, but in literature as well. It is not traditionally an attempt to avoid acknowledging something... instead, it's the direct opposite: It IS the method of acknowledging the earlier incident. I myself use statements similar to this all the time. Most of the people in my life are typical NTs, and understand these statements immediately (so long as they're paying attention, that is...)

I thought so myself when I read it. A short allusion to the past, is about all one would receive from this relative. Who seems to be himself somewhat estranged from his own siblings. I'm surprised that he made any mention of it at all.

The past missives have been photographs of family members, from the past and present. He once sent me childhood photographs of my own parent that I had never seen. At the time I was perplexed as to why, as there was no qualifying message for reference.

What I suspect is that one of my siblings communicates with him, and told him about the rift in the family. And he's taken it upon himself to attempt to repair it. After all, how would he find my phone number and call after twenty years? It's an unlisted number. He's even sent photographs of family funerals that I haven't attended.

 

[Mia]

If you think having that sort of drama in your lives again will benefit yourself and Mr Mia
or present an opportunity to create harmony, if this is your wish,

start to include those relatives again and get involved, but on your terms.
- take no prisoners when speaking your mind, be true to yourself, let them see who you really are and remain steadfast in any fallout.

If you're hardwired to believe they're causing 'trouble' or there's agenda behind their relentless contact,
(far too much negative history to come to terms with)

don't bother

It's not my wish to be involved. Or to be invited to any family functions. Something which I've avoided for many years. I like my life away from them. Away from the dysfunction and chronic alcoholism.

It's partly why I've distanced myself in the first place. There is peace and little drama and a life where I choose what I do without their interference.

Yet, I have an unquestioned loyalty to the family, that's not left me. A familial connection of some sort, a duality even, that remains.

 

[Juliettaa]

So did I, felt responsible right into my forties. Not anymore, and it's taken many years. My husband helped me to understand that it was not my role. And I learned from him a great deal about this, related to his relationship with his own family which is estranged as well.

These distant family members are all that's left of my parent's generation, they're elderly and seem to want to make amends, surprisingly. It caught me off guard, as I've been no contact for six years. All those old feelings came back, from the first year of no contact. But they are quickly dissipating with this thread.

Your not hijacking Julietta, it's all connected.

Thank you for your understanding @Mia, that yes, it is all connected.

I identify with so much of what you're saying on this thread.

I was also in my 40's when I started working on everything not being my responsibility and/or not being my fault because up to then, I was literally blamed for everything that went wrong in my toxic family.

Ridiculous things - blamed by my mother as she ended up married to my father because she was pregnant with me. It took me ages to work out that I had no part in that decision because if I did, I sure as hell wouldn't have chosen them as parents!

Blamed by my mother as her 'lover' left her for another woman. Her reason - I was an unruly teenager with a bad attitude so I drove him away. You couldn't make it up!!!!

Blamed if we ran out of bread. Blamed if there was not enough money for her to go out socially because I was getting too tall and needed new clothes (which I never got, I had to borrow clothes). Blamed if the bus arrived late. Blamed for just being alive - 'you ruined my life, I could have been somebody'.

My therapist said, when I faltered a few years back and said 'she's old now, perhaps she's changed'. He replied 'just because someone is old, doesn't make them a good person'.

It's the same for your relatives. They're old. Their regret is weighing heavy. But essentially they're the same as they were before and the regret isn't that heavy as they haven't accepted any responsibility.

I'd have a completely different stance if they came to you and were completely open, honest and accountable. But they're not, so why should you be the one who gives when you had nothing then and you'll likely get nothing this time?

I think we perhaps have much more in common than is being exposed on this thread. And for that, I feel deeply sad because I know EXACTLY what you're going through. It's painful. But you're one of the fortunate ones; you have a loving supportive husband and you have an awareness beyond many.

PS - your sibling sounds as though he's taken on the 'flying monkey' role. Beware.