Do not know what to do about this, anymore.

[Varzar]

It's not my wish to be involved. Or to be invited to any family functions. Something which I've avoided for many years. I like my life away from them. Away from the dysfunction and chronic alcoholism.

It's partly why I've distanced myself in the first place. There is peace and little drama and a life where I choose what I do without their interference.

Yet, I have an unquestioned loyalty to the family, that's not left me. A familial connection of some sort, a duality even, that remains.

I can relate to that. Your loyalty is at odds with your self-preservation..

Unfortunately, I think you have to make a choice. I don't think there's a reasonable middle ground.
You could try to say something like, "I'll be there for the family if they truly need me" (like in an emergency or something), keeping loyalty to family intact. But it creates a non-reciprocal relationship, because you've kind of made it clear you prefer your life without them (so they can never be there if you need them, cause you wouldn't need/want them).

afaic, it's a rock and a hard place situation. But if your choice is between disloyalty and self-destructiveness.. Self-destructiveness doesn't seem like a rational choice. Just a ****** choice to have to make though.

 

[Mia]

I think we perhaps have much more in common than is being exposed on this thread. And for that, I feel deeply sad because I know EXACTLY what you're going through. It's painful. But you're one of the fortunate ones; you have a loving supportive husband and you have an awareness beyond many.
PS - your sibling sounds as though he's taken on the 'flying monkey' role. Beware.

Think so as well. How can things in individual lives play out in such recognizable ways? There are so many variables in nature and nurture. It seems there are patterns of behavior that are similar and they must be usual as even psychologists on websites write about them. I find it incredible that someone could describe my families roles within a kind of closed system. As if they were right there watching everything going on. Knowledge does indeed change perception of it all.

Think that you might be fortunate too, as you seemed to have knowingly survived and moved on to a different life and are aware of all that occurred. As for my siblings, I'm unsure which one it might be as I'm solely in contact with one in a rather distant way.

 

[Gracey]

Yet, I have an unquestioned loyalty to the family, that's not left me. A familial connection of some sort, a duality even, that remains.

I understand that. I really do

Are you able to see that feeling of family loyalty as an echo?

A well practised habit from the past coming to the fore each time you're reminded of 'family' by way of letters and photos sent to you ?

someone once suggested to me that I acknowledge thoughts/feelings but don't necessarily HAVE to act on them.
I always have a choice.

In your case, it might be "oh there's that thought/feeling of loyalty again"

Doesn't automatically mean you have to do anything about it

Same goes for the habitual guilt that may come from not taking any action?
"Oh there's that feeling of guilt that I've been conditioned to feel, an echo from the past"
Is the only time of day you need to give those thoughts.

Choose to gift that precious loyalty to the deserving.
Don't give it away under duress or a from a sense of duty

 

[Mia]

"Oh there's that feeling of guilt that I've been conditioned to feel, an echo from the past"

Thank you Gracey, I will work from that.

 

[Mia]

Julietta you've been quite helpful and perceptive, thank you.

 

[Mia]

To everyone who posted, I appreciate it. Thank you for your helpful ideas.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Julietta you've been quite helpful and perceptive, thank you.

I know.

I always thought she was hopeless.

@Juliettaa That's my way of saying merry xmas

 

[Juliettaa]

@Fridgemagnetman - bah humbug