Humans are social animals and it would make sense that everyone would be concerned with what others think of them. As children, we learn how to be social. It's a process and there are cultural rules that we learn. Keeping in mind that bullies have some kind of radar to identify kids who are easily picked on, social rejection becomes normal to a kid with ASD. We're not sure what we are doing wrong, but we see and feel the rejection and harassment nonetheless. I think that over time, you stop caring about other people's attitudes about you. It's like studying very hard for a test, but no matter how much you study, you're not going to get a grade higher than a "C", or maybe a "B-" if you have some kind of unusual, entertaining quality. Sources of rejection are unclear to us, so even if you know what's wrong, changing it is nearly impossible because it doesn't come naturally. I think this might be where we learn how to mask or change our demeanor to avoid abuse.
The idea of social exclusion is many-faceted. People on the spectrum understand the exclusion, rejection, mocking, and general abuse, but we ignore some of the other reasons why groups reject others. When choosing teams for recreational sports, nobody wants the fat kid. Nobody wants to play with someone who can't catch a ball or doesn't know the rules of the game. Nobody wants the kid who doesn't care if he/she wins or loses. Then, you have the group of fiends who always get chosen first, then capability, then the lesser of two leftover evils. The stronger, more powerful will always pick on those of lesser capability. Call it ego, call it control, call it tribalism, but in the end it is those individuals who don't "fit in" according to the majority selection standards that get left behind. The same is true for party invitations. Kids who appear to be dull or depressed don't get invited to house parties. These majority kids, who see themselves as the "cool" kids, don't want to be friendly with a "dweeb". They might lose their standing in the "cool" kids hierarchy.
I think we might be able to examine any of the expressions associated with making the best of what you have. "make lemonade from lemons","when God closes a door he opens a window". We explore alternatives to being accepted by the majority cool kids. As time passes, you stop trying to fit in on the levels expected by the cool kids. You simply know that you don't belong. This becomes your reality and you make the most of it. It can be a very hard time because ASD kids don't know how to deal with constant rejection and harassment. You have no choice but accept that these majority cool kids don't like you. There is nothing you can do about it, so you realize that clinging to their world is fruitless. You end up losing interest in them, and you don't care at all about their opinions of you. I think that this is where our difficulties in socializing and our sense of frustration and anxiety become cemented into our mentality. We already know we are odd and different. Now we have proof of it. The kids we try to emulate don't want us around. We believe we are inferior.
Even as adults, some people put a lot of effort into sustaining their reputation as one of the cool people. If you are on the spectrum, I believe you put less emphasis on what people think and you become less concerned with reputation. You've grown accustomed to being ignored, so why would you concern yourself with opinions? The social lives of people with ASD span a wide range of feelings about the role of other people in their lives. Some have lots of friends. Others have none. Those who have none can't grasp what might be wrong. We forget that trying to fit in with "everyone", the majority proved a failure. Those of us who have managed to gain friends know that you don't become friends with everyone you meet. It's a very unique set of circumstances that results in real friendship, especially as an adult. If you are still carrying around your adolescent angst, people will become tired of you. A social reputation is of no importance any more. You become an individual who is still expected to behave properly and have some redeeming quality to offer the world. I stopped caring about others' opinions of me a long time ago. It might be my age, but I have found my value and I am confident in my views of the world. In essence, I have to manage my own validation. I didn't get it from the cool kids, so I had to figure it out on my own. I laugh when I see yesterday's cool kids getting arrested for bank fraud, bribery, and theft. Do I really care what they think of me?
It made me think of a great book called The Four Agreements. It talks about how humans are domesticated from a young age to work for the reward and avoid the punishment (these being social acceptance, basically). It talks about how people end up sacrificing their true selves in order to get rewarded and avoid punishment.
