Do You Feel Invisible?

[Christian T]

I think there's a great deal of truth to these theories of a subconscious awareness of autism. Whenever I ask people if my aspie traits are very noticeable to them, they also insist that they aren't, but continue to treat me as though I'm different, as total-recoil has described.

Just the other day at my school music concert, which I went to as an audience member, I spotted a group of people I knew who had performed standing in a literal social circle - one of those terrifying conversational battle arenas - and thought I'd walk up and join the circle. I could never find a suitable place to interject - like Cerulean, and I agree with you than not telling a joke at all is better than telling an embarrassingly bad one - and the they didn't talk there for much longer before they decided to leave and return backstage, without any acknowledgment at all of the fact I was ever standing there. It was horribly degrading.

 

[Cerulean]

It seems like almost daily my boss will come out of her office to where my coworker and I are sitting, start talking to both of us, then when I say something abruptly turn to the other girl and continue talking to only her. It baffles me because she's really nice to me and really appreciative of the help I give her, she's a great boss and is really accomodating to my issues (I've told her some symptoms I have and ways to deal with them- i.e. I need to write things down to remember them, but I haven't said the A word to her yet). All I can think is that she must not realize she's doing it.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

Many hard of hearing & deaf people have embraced their difference, refuse to be 'cured' or see themselves as impaired & have little to no interest in joining or integrating into the 'hearing' world. They view themselves as a distinct yet inclusive culture that comprises people from all over the world. They use sign language (as you well know) & view it as a shame & an impairment that hearing people cannot sign!

I think about this a lot in relation to those of us on the spectrum. Part of the problem with us is that we're reclusive so we tend to not seek to socialize 'in person' much. some of us are friendly & would LOVE to have some in the flesh relationships (romantic AND platonic) BUT get misunderstood or excluded by NTs & don't know where all the Aspie caves are. The internet & sites like THIS one are enabling us to begin building Aspie interrelationships & sharing our perspectives & values & life experiences with each other. Blogs by Aspies are also great as is the fact that Aspies are beginning to write books. We're finally getting something other than the NT perspective on who we are & what we're like.

Soup, i always love reading your posts. You have so much knowledge it seem and i hope i am able to retain some of the knowledge you share with the rest of us here on this forum.

I am glad that we finally have people writing books and blogs to help the NT world to perhaps be able to understand us better.

 

[Soup]

Thanks, ButterflyLady. I'm glad you find these posts informative. It's going to take some time before the NT world understands. This morning, I spent some time lurking on this forum where NT parents of Aspie kids were exchanging 'information' (more like snippets of panic).

Some of these hand-wringing neurotic mothers were freaking out because their Aspie kid doesn't want to eat this or that mish-mash of lumps & green stuff they heap onto the poor kid's plate because it is healthy. Apparently, not liking green swamp sludge is an Aspie trait (we Aspies are smarter than we look)! WHAT?!? It seems that whenever the poor Aspie kid doesn't want to do whatever mommy, daddy or teacher wants them to do or sit through some booooring torturous game that supposedly encourages social development, he's defiant, oppositional, has ADD or ADHD.

What IS the logic here? The assumption seems to be that a 'normal' child is cooperative, compliant & wants to please. <----that describes my Great Dane! I say SIT, dog sits, I say GOOOOD BOY, dog is thrilled. A child cannot explain to the parent that whenever he eats something with GLUTEN in it, he feels gassy, bloated & ill. He cannot explain that dairy foods or foods containing milk make him nauseous (happened to me as a kid too). My mother kept trying to get me to drink glasses of milk. I was disgusted from the get-go because I thought of it as cow boobs juice. Fighting disgust, I drank the milk. Every time I did, I felt ill. A kid will just say, "I hate milk!" or "I'm not going to drink that! No Way!" or just push it away, turn up their nose & refuse. A parent has to have some brains: maybe the kid is Lactose or Gluten intolerant. Maybe he's allergic. Maybe certain food combinations look gross to him. A child isn't a mini adult. Many NT kids won't touch broccoli, spinach, cauliflower, asparagus or Brussels sprouts etc. I STILL won't!

Once the kid has the Aspie label, everything the kid does or says, every aspect of his personality is due to Asperger's! Some NT parents suffer from NT hard-headed inflexibility syndrome. Your child CAN eat a limited variety in his diet & still be healthy IF you ensure he gets the right nutritional substances & occasionally introduce a new food that's similar to ones he already likes. As they grow older, their diet always broadens so turning mealtimes into wartime guarantees that you'll BOTH lose. The child will, quite correctly, begin associating meals & eating with power struggles, stress & feeling inadequate (way to sow the seeds of a full-blown eating disorder!)

These were loving, caring parents trying to do what they thought was best. Their problem was that between them, they were clueless, bewildered, afraid & feeling like failures as parents.

 

[Butterfly_Lady]

i'm glad that my mom wasn't like my grandma was. forcing me to sit at the same plate of food till it was all gone (that's what my grandma did to my mom). I wish parents would realize that, even if their child was "normal" that the child STILL wouldn't want to eat some things that were put in front of them. that just means try something else instead of what you said these other parents are doing blaming it on the AS in their children.

 

[Soup]

Imagine how invisible, unheard & powerless some of these kids must feel?

 

[Loomis]

A couple of times my son has had problems with teachers who completely misunderstood him. One teacher asked my son a question and my son did not answer because he did not know what to say. The teacher accused him of being stubborn and obstinate. This is a sweet boy who always tries to do what is right and he felt terrible after the encounter. He was confused, hurt and humiliated. We let the teacher and the principal as well as special ed know exactly what happened and that it was wrong and abusive. He had an IEP (Individual Education Plan explaining his special needs) that the teacher was responsible for reading and knowing about. The teacher was a prima donna and the school was not about to take any corrective action. We removed him from the school. This was either 6th or 7th grade and at that time my son was diagnosed as ADHD with learning disability. The special ed teacher was nice but timid and had no personal or administrative power to do anything to remedy the situation. Without assertive parents defending him my son would have suffered continuous trauma in the school. I am afraid this happens way to much.

I remember when i was a child, teachers were completely ignorant and did destructive things. i specifically remember a teacher taking a kid who rocked and putting him in the front of the class and tying him to his seat. These types of abuse were common then and these kids would have preferred to be invisible.

 

[total-recoil]

It may help a lot to come to terms with the fact aspies are not suffering from disability but social disadvantage, That is my take as "disability" would imply something negative. Aspies are at a disadvantage in the same way a Chinese student would be in a class full of Europeans.
Recently I decided to accept a very basic and harsh reality that has taken decades to embrace. Fact is, I'm different to other people, think differently to most other people and also act differently. Also, there is a social awareness of that difference on both sides which means aspies almost always stuggle to be accepted, listened to and integrated.
Of course, it would be a mistake to just give up on having N.T. friends altogether or to simply drop out so my point is really to just be aware.
In my own case I decided it makes far more sense to structure my life around activities that allow me to move forwards without needing the approval of other people. I mean, I spent years listening to so much negativity about my condition which was simply based on being different and the assumption that, due to being different, you can't perform as good as or better than the norm.
Problems begin when you start to listen to rejection vibes and allow that to call into question your own self worth.
If people ignore you, it's only that they don't relate as well. When they don't relate, they find someone else they can relate to, often ignoring the A.S. person in the group. It's not deliberate but merely that they struggle to relate.
Of course, this does put an aspie at a big disadvantage, more so if you try to change your own personality to try and accommodate others.
If all of this makes you feel blue, I did leave out the advantages of being aspie. These are far more independence of thought, less value judgements and more logic, often a greater drive to succeed and so on.

 

[Soup]

For many Aspies, the sensation of being minoritized would be salient. Yet, there are untold tens of thousands of Aspies who knew minoritization long before they were diagnosed simply because they were born into a group that is considered to be a minority within their society. This could mean being born black in America (a so-called racial minority) or being born Jewish in England (A religious/ethnic/cultural minority) or being born a Muslim in certain parts of Hindu dominated India (a religious minority).

For a person who has been a minority for their entire life, there isn't that same outcry over not being 'just like everybody else' because they never were! Even had they been born NTs, they were still Chinese (or Black or whatever). I would bet that such Aspies have a tougher time of it because Asperger's has further minoritized them & diminished their acceptance even within their already marginalized group.

Also, as Geordie has written about, many non western cultures (in his case Singaporean Asians) have deeply entrenched values, beliefs, expectations & norms. Questioning these & going against the grain can earn a person great social disapproval & even bring family rejection due to shame. That is a tough current to swim against. Just going along to get along & appearing to conform (aka being invisible & possibly SILENT!) may be much easier despite the anxiety & frustration it may cause.

I think that we also need to become more proactive (tough for many Aspies) in FINDING & working with each other to advocate for rights & services, spread knowledge & awareness (which counters prejudice) & provide social opportunities to those who want them. Like any other minority group, we can't rely on or expect the NT world to truly accept us, fully understand us & adapt to accommodate us: we will eventually establish our own cultural centres, piece together out history (we were here long before Hans Asperger 'identified' us) & begin shaping our future.

 

[Christian T]

I've always seen an acceptance and understanding of autism as a two-way street - NTs need to understand us just as we need to understand them, and this can be just as daunting for both groups. Some NTs just seem to neglect aspies because they're introverted, don't give constant reminders of their presence, and have no obvious shared interests. Some NTs are just lazy like that, but others seem to me to be just as overwhelmed and baffled by aspies as we are of them, so they shut down and steer clear of us in the same way. It's like the opinion that snakes are more scared of us than we are of them. I think they are trying, but it can be very challenging, and when a task seems too difficult, it's tempting to pretend that it doesn't exist. Still, NTs do certainly have the comfort of being in the majority.

 

[Soup]

I agree, ChristianT. It IS daunting for both groups. Although the mass cultures were designed by & for NTs, they cannot see it as objectively as we can or question it: it's almost like asking a fish to see the water in which he is ensconced. Also, we ARE different (unless we're really good at mimicking NTs). Different in the NT world means potentially dangerous, threatening & frightening. Admittedly, a large Aspie shaking his hands in the air stimming CAN be a confusing & scary sight for a NT. For me, when I see someone stimming, it is as ordinary as seeing a cat walking by: there's no cultural dissonance there for me because I understand the language.

" Still, NTs do certainly have the comfort of being in the majority." - ChristianT. <---- THAT is precisely why the onus has to be on them: they designed, made & control the game. We are akin to players who received an out-dated copy of the rule book written in a language we can barely decipher. We're at a huge disadvantage. What I'd like to see is a situation where some of our more vocal members advocate more openly for us. Temple Grandin has made huge contributions in this regard.

 

[Cosmic Light]

I've been both misunderstood and just plain not heard or acknowledged many times too. I go out f way way to be overly polite to others (though excessive politeness has no meaning to me, but's a whole different story, lol,) and at times all I seem to get back is flat out rudeness in return. I recently started telling a couple of people, I no longer intend to be so sickeningly polite to them and others. I do think they are seeing my point at least. Bottom line, I've been doing this whole social thing for years. I consider myself to be relatively good at it, and overall I do quite like it as long as I can get out again later. I'm not going to waste my time let my frustration levels go up because others aren't trying while I am. I have to work harder at conversation than the average people that tend to ignore and misunderstand and accuse. I've left conversations are gone home early from get togethers in the past because of constant inablibity to be heard as well as others in the group I happen to be around at a given time.

Hopefully this doesn't sound too harsh or anything. But really, after a night of constant annoyance over this very issue, I pretty much need a littke quite me time anyway.

 

[Christian T]

I don't think that's too harsh at all. Imagine how an NT would fare in a social gathering of aspies? At most, the same, if not worse, than you. It's do disheartening to see them socialising so effortlessly, when, as you say, we have to try so hard and rarely get anything from them. An average NT surrounded by aspies would probably be begging for a time out after a few seconds, you're doing well to last that long, and to be getting the hang of it.

 

[Deno]

An average NT surrounded by aspies would probably be begging for a time out after a few seconds

Exactly, it's just because there are more of them. A large portion of the population running on difference frequencies than us, a minority. The communication difficulties between the Aspie and NT go both ways, but since they are the majority, they think WE have the problem. When from our point of view (or at least mine) it is them with the problem. I'm not going to bother trying to socialize with people anymore really. If someone is interested in the same topics as me, and approaches me about such topic, I will gladly engage in conversation. But for other things, I'l probably give a one-two word answer. I hate TRYING to socialize, it's not just difficult, but it HURTS. It stresses me out, which causes my stomach to act up. Not worth it, period.

 

[Christian T]

Deno, I must say that I love how very sure of yourself you are. Why shouldn't we be unapologetic about our dislike of socialising - people who hate things like maths are never ashamed of it.

Those who constantly overlook minorities need to get their eyes checked - they might be small but they're very important.

 

[Soup]

Let's see where much of NT culture would be without the contributions of Aspies throughout history such as Mozart, DaVinci, Michelangelo, Sir Isaac Newton, Shakespeare, Steven Spielberg & Bill Gates to name but a very few. We Asperians have paid our dues & we have done so since ancient times. Had these Aspies given up on their so-called 'obsessions' & decided instead to become social butterflies, where would the world be?

I'm with Deno in being unapologetic about having no desire to socialize whatsoever. Too much noise, chaos, social politics, BS & utter waste of my time. Why put myself through it? Why walk around in NT drag all the time. Other cultures get to be who they are, eat their foods, practise their religions, speak their language & dress accordingly. WE are ASPIES. We need to begin being who we are too. This doesn't mean becoming insular & intolerant of other people & hateful of other ways of being; we all have important contributions to make but we can't fully make ours while masquerading & trying to hide who we are.

 

[Megan]

I often feel invisible, especially in social situations with many other people. They immediately start chatting and forming cliques. I don't know what to say to them. It's more difficult for me to speak to new people who seem very neurotypical. I usually have nothing to add to the conversations I hear, but even if I do, I'm too anxious to say anything. I also tend to talk quietly which makes it more difficult to converse normally.

 

[Soup]

Social situations are difficult for me too. I've become a pretty good mimic over the years so I can manage NT 'drag' for short spurts. I do keep social engagements to an absolute grass roots minimum, though. When I have to choose to attend one or the other (relatives in town from far away or something related to my husband's business) I go for the one where there's a focus: not just people milling about chattering. The business ones often include several keynote speakers, a show or some kind of presentation. These ones too are filled with people interested a specific subject & after the usual platitudes & niceties, the talk turns to that. Slipping out of such gatherings is also easier since nobody there is interested in seeing me & my absence won't be noticed.

 

[Christian T]

I often feel invisible, especially in social situations with many other people. They immediately start chatting and forming cliques. I don't know what to say to them. It's more difficult for me to speak to new people who seem very neurotypical. I usually have nothing to add to the conversations I hear, but even if I do, I'm too anxious to say anything. I also tend to talk quietly which makes it more difficult to converse normally.

Same here. There's very little I can say about some celebrity's husband's hair, and I rarely have the confidence to bring the conversation to a subject I'm interested in. I'm trying to work on that, though.

@Soup: I also like functions with a purpose. I'm a keen participant in school productions, and unfortunately most perform are extremely neurotypical extroverts. I can barely handle teh narcissistic banter during rehearsals - let alone at an After-After-Party. I always go to After-Parties though, and let loose for a few hours.

 

[Arashi222]

You know I think that I know for me I don't like big groups. I am not big fan of group projects and only tend to be able to handle small groups of people in small amounts of time it does become stressful trying to understand the flow of a conversation I don't know if it is because i process too slowly or too quickly but I find it hard to jump in and say anything. I do like going to mini doll meets where there are small amounts of people and often less loud. But I find crowds of people to be too hard to handle one of the reasons I tend to get hyper-focused at work when it gets busy I need to stay in my area and not focus on the chaos and nose around me. Otherwise I lose it. I have learned to block out a lot of the sensory overload that happens but not always. I do in other social situations where my scripts don't get me very far I tend to blend in and fade into the wall. I can converse on my interests but lack the ability to stop at times though I am getting better. I prefer to listen.