Do you feel you have to explain yourself to others?

[Bay]

I want to explain myself but often don't bother. I long ago realized that most people aren't interested in much of what I have to say.

 

[King_Oni]

I never had the urge to do so before I actually was on the spectrum, and I don't have that now.

The only people I try to be more clear with is either therapists or other people that are there for support of any kind so they know where to start with/for me.

But I kinda hold responsibility for my behaviour... but still it's me. I don't feel that I have to explain myself to why I do stuff. Other people don't explain why they do, what they do... and for what it's worth that can be considered weird as well.

 

[Acetic]

I try to avoid explaining myself or even talking with others for that matter. I have gotten a lot of hate over the years from strangers, most people don't like me and my personality. I have a very boring, humorless, straightforward type of personality. And no matter how i try to change myself or act, people end up hating me. I honestly don't know how to act around people. When i act nice and polite people say I'm being "fake", when i act normal people say i'm "boring and robot like". I have grown up in a very sheltered life because of my autism and this fuels my social anxiety. Most of the time people can pick up on the fact that i have terrible social skills and they bully me or ask me questions to make me feel uncomfortable. I often find my classmates smirking at me as i struggle to socialize and talk. I don't know how to respond or how to explain myself. I am who i am, this is my personality; what is their to explain?

 

[Dara]

I feel this way all the time, especially when answering personal questions about my life, my choices and so on.
I try to avoid it as much as possible, though, since it only seems to make things more awkward.

It's also frustrating when I have to explain my motives to some people. I tend to ask a lot of questions, for instance, and many think I'm questioning them or their actions, while I'm only trying to understand things better.
Maybe I am being annoying/aggressive...? I don't know.
What I don't understand is why they would tell me something unless they wanted to actually talk about it?
Now I avoid questions because I always assume people will react badly.

Other times I remark something because I find it funny/interesting/useful/..., but I notice that it's often perceived in a negative way, so I try not to do it, or at least not with everyone.

When something bothers me I say it clearly, but many take this very badly, so I try to say nothing and just ignore the things that bother me. It's something I can't stand though.
I like when people tell me what they want or feel and if I do something they dislike... How can I know it if they don't tell me?!
In most cases the answer I get is:
"If only you knew all the things you do that piss me off! But I never said anything!"
I don't see how this could possibly be a good thing, it makes me feel so frustrated!
Each time I ask them to tell me what those things are, so maybe I can change them or explain why I do it... but I never got an answer. I hate people like this!


I get misunderstood very easily in general, that's one more reason I avoid talking to people: the chances of making enemies is higher that the chance of making friends. :unsure:

 

[wyverary]

I want to explain myself but often don't bother. I long ago realized that most people aren't interested in much of what I have to say.

Ditto.

 

[LittlePuff]

I feel like I'm explaining myself on an almost constant basis. I know the above message, but I can't seem to stop.

 

[Dusty285]

Yes. All the time.

In my research about AS, it said that "normals" thinking follows parallel patterns. They instinctively follow each others ideas. 'Small talk,' as an example, flows because the participants think the same way and thoughts and ideas move to the same next places in the same patterns.

Those of us with AS are in isolation. We think we need explain, but mostly it is better to learn not to. I have only just recognized that I am an Aspie and that is the first thing I am/intend to try to relearn/change.

It is wonderful to find that I am not alone with all these things anymore.

 

[Soup]

I know that my words & intentions are often misconstrued by NTs when I have to interact with them, HOWEVER, I don't feel like I have to explain myself to anyone unless I've done something Klutzy. If, for instance, I accidentally bump my shopping cart into someone (I tend to rip through the grocery store like lightening), I apologize politely. If I step on someone's toes, for ex, I apologize & say "Excuse me."

 

[Pella]

I am always trying to explain myself. I often think if I can just make the words come out ok, then maybe they will understand and everything will be ok (as in they will be willing to make the accomations, they will be my friend, they will stop talking to me in that way that hurts, etc)

 

[Dusty285]

Many things about humanity are hard-wired. We all look alike. The most extreme differences in appearance are minor variations. An alien from a distant planet based on some other form of life (like iron & sulphur & ammonia instead of carbon & oxygen & hydrogen) (See? There is the compulsive explanation!!) could barely tell us apart and would struggle to identify any differences in behavior at all.

Out in the world, it may be better to consider that most of the persons encountered will never be encountered again. I find that this frees me of a lot of need to explain. The persons do not care; once the momentary and casual encounter is ended, so is almost any memory that it did happen. The more we on the spectrum try to explain, the more impression we make and the stronger imprint of memory. None of which is a thing we want. We are behaving 'differently' by trying to explain. "Normals" do not explain anything to each other even when they should. So let it be: try to quietly retrain yourself to not say anything more than needed and to never explain. The moment and the encounter will vanish unlamented.

Yes, I know. Vastly easier to say than to do.

In the grocery store I always tie or ask the clerks to tie my plastic grocery bags shut and tie them tightly. The clerks are trained to twirl the handhold loops together so they are easy for "normals" to open. I explain and feel the need to explain and often find it necessary to insist: tie the tops of the bags tightly with a good knot!!!!!! I know that this has a large component of Aspie Compulsion; BUT it is also a logical (and logic seems to be missing from a majority of "normal" thought-- - - In my opinion [My opinion is never 'humble.' My astrological signs are Leo in the Western system and Metal Dragon in the Chinese system]) way to keep groceries in manageable bundles while handling them in the car and to get them into the house. The bags tear open easily for unloading. There is no reason to try to keep them whole and intact --- - - and then dump them immediately into the trash? For refrigerated groceries, milk or frozens, the tightly tied bag helps trap some air and provides insulation and a tiny bit of temperature protection on the way home.

This is Texas, Land Of Eternal Summer. Three months of the year it is warm, over 90 degrees F most of the time, at-- or over-- 100+ degrees F in daytime. Spring and Fall are pleasant (this month, October, it is a cool 85 F in daytime, a chill 70 F at sunrise). Winter is the six to eight weeks after New Year's and is noted because a few days have a nasty morning frost. Heat is something that residents become accustomed to and is not a problem ever with decent air conditioning. I was a child in cold country and do not miss it since I became "Heat Treated." For half the year up North, the cold becomes solid and drifts out of the air and needs plows to scrape enough off the roads and walks to permit needed travel. Heat never does that. However, getting milk home from the store in the trunk of the car without having the heat start it spoiling is a good trick oftentimes.

And here we are with another collection of "Explanations." I did it for you, in part. It is an example of my behavior and I am sure similar to what many of us do routinely. Maybe my compulsion is actually justified, but it is strange and best dealt with in as casual a manner as possible.

 

[Mr Faramoose]

this is so true! I used to do it a lot when I was kid, not so much now since I've learned what people want to hear in conversations, but I still have an overwhelming urge to tell the person what I am doing or why I am doing it. Even in my psychiatrists appointment, he was talking to me and I heard a ktm exc 125 go haring past outside, and I couldn't help it, I HAD to inform him that it was definitely a ktm 125 and it must have a 38 mil mikuni carb because the exhaust pitch was too high to be a standard engine running rich to prevent seizure. I also informed him it wasn't a husqvarna wr 125 because they had more tightly packed exhaust systems as standard and came with a different carb kit, plus the gear rations were slightly longer. He didn't like that and told me it was an aspie trait, to carry on talking and talking even when it's obvious the other person isn't interested. It wasn't that I didn't realise afterwards that he LOOKED uninterested, but at the time my brain was saying hyper hyper hyper YOU MUST SAY THIS YOU MUST INFORM HIM HE MUST BE INFORMED OF THE DIFFERENCES!

 

[LittlePuff]

My intentions are what gets misinterpreted, I try to explain what they were, and it doesn't seem to help. Once they have an opinion of you, it's hard to change it. Lost a job this way.

 

[Evanze]

Yeah I feel like that all the time. But after awhile it gets tiring and frustrating and I don't think they people listening actually understand or care. It's a weird position to be in because I want to make sure people understand what I'm saying.

 

[anne.bc]

Allllll the time. My family HATES this. I can't help it! I feel it's necessary! haha

 

[Perkinsj88]

I do this with everything, probably to the point it become more confusing than it was before I tried to explain or justify myself for whatever it is. This is the first post in which I did not drag it out to the point of confusion lol mostly because I've wanted to go have a cigarette for well over an hour now I just can't stop explaining and justifying....so yeah...thats that..

 

[Perkinsj88]

I couldn't resist..I composing this using my cell so yeah..I have a theory I explain to such an extensive degree because I always have to know. WHY AND HOW. It must have logic and conform to the rules of "my world" in order for me to make sense of it, otherwise you may as well began producing random noises as a baby would because if you can't tell me how and why I will discard the information and label it as useless.

 

[Aalo]

I often find it to be futile to try. Once misinterpret people have some sort of unconscious vibe to get further explanations wrong too. That just is how mind works, and unless people are prone to know themselves well enough to deliberately try breaking free of demands of their subconscious, there's no use trying to explain again. All I can say, that most NT's are not even aware of how much they could affect on their selves if they tried a bit, either is every aspie. I'd like to explain and get understood, but today I mostly try to get understood in the first place as I try to make my statement versatile enough. - Or just know when to shut up.

 

[oscar2012]

i feel exactually like you it makes me ill i dont sleep dont ear.and when you explain they still dont understand you .i feel it gives these people control and insulting i tell the truth but people dont like that at all then i have them say its my aspergers why i dont understand but am not stupid

 

[jimited]

I wish I could sometimes instead of feeling awkward in front of them, but I don't think people would understand, but I confided in a friend once and he said he doesn't think I have it because his friend takes everything literally and I don't act like him which gave me a lot of self doubt.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I don't feel like I owe it to them but I do tend to explain myself like a narrative.