Do you have a partner?

[Ronald Zeeman]

What I have noticed now we do not have social issues with each other, most of my friends were fellow Aspies, I did not know I was one or them however looking back this appears to have been the case.

 

[Masked Man]

I do not at the moment. Actually it's been a while.

I'm not sure I'm romantically inclined, TBH.

 

[Xinyta]

Single and unsure if I truly want to mingle.

But yeah. No one to speak of. Not that I expect anything to change anytime in the future, honestly. Never really was too sure about if I ever wanted to be in one to begin with.

 

[FeatherBird]

Many ppl on the spectrum have a lot of problems, and our social disability is often the major one.

Mystery solved.
NEXT!

Autism can lead to a myriad of peripheral problems. I'm going to elaborate while responding to the post below.

It's not because you are "ugly" (whatever that means). A few men here have shown me photos of themselves and they're very good-looking but can't find partners. Unfortunately autism seems to be a turn-off to a lot of NT women. I don't know why. It doesn't mean every man with autism is ugly though.

I totally believe autism is a turnoff to many.

That being said, it goes beyond the autism itself.

Many folks with autism make a low income, don't drive, and don't have much of a social life (3 factors that are often viewed as a turnoff).

Our unfamiliarity with social norms makes us prone to unknowingly acting "creepy" when pursuing a potential partner (which, in turn, can make us be reluctant to pursue a partner in the first place).

Since the man is expected to pursue the woman in the vast majority of cases, a reluctance to pursue a partner really holds back men especially. And no, this isn't me playing the "Oppression Olympics" game of "which gender has it harder." When I say the man is expected to pursue the woman in the vast majority of cases, all I'm doing is stating a fact that even my previous counselor admitted is true.

I'm glad that counselor said that. I'd rather have a counselor speak facts, even if it's a fact I don't like, than have a counselor lie to tell me what I want to hear. Had my counselor told me "You don't have to pursue a woman...the woman will pursue the man more often than not," he'd be setting me up for disappointment (because what he'd be saying wouldn't come true)

Furthermore, pointing out one area that disproportionately impacts men doesn't mean a woman never struggles in that area, nor does it mean there aren't other areas where a woman struggles more. So it really shouldn't get viewed as playing a game of "which gender has it harder" if we point out one area that disproportionately impacts men.

Lastly, tying into the thing about the man being expected to make the first move in the vast majority of cases, our inability to read a woman's "ask me out" clues means there are probably a lot of potential partners we don't even realize are potential partners. In other words, there are probably a lot of women who would say "yeah" if we asked her out, yet we never ask her out because we don't realize she'd like us to ask her out.

 

[Rodafina]

I totally believe autism is a turnoff to many.

It could be quite a turn-on for an autistic gal. Beyond being a “turn-on”, it could be a great foundation for establishing a comfortable and loving relationship.

In such a relationship, there may be a lot more room to disregard social norms and assuage feelings of missing social cues.

 

[Judge]

I totally believe autism is a turnoff to many.

In the handful of relationships I have had (all with NT women) the only thing in hindsight I see that may have attracted them was how I contrasted with my NT counterpart. Two of those relationships lasted more than three years.

My autistic traits and behaviors may have turned off many NT women, but clearly not all of them.

Though four in five of those relationships involved being friends first...which for me probably made all the difference in the world. When I had the chance to let someone know me as a person rather than just a "date".

Don't sell yourself short just because you are autistic. You never know....

 

[tlc]

It could be quite a turn-on for an autistic gal. Beyond being a “turn-on”, it could be a great foundation for establishing a comfortable and loving relationship.

In such a relationship, there may be a lot more room to disregard social norms and assuage feelings of missing social cues.

I find it to be more of two extremes. Similar to our spiky skill sets, vs NTs usually being more balanced.

As far as romance or relationship, most people don't like me. But the few who do, REALLY do. I just try to make the best of the abilities I was given, write an honest and descriptive profile, and got an occassional worthwhile match when I was trying. Like maybe 2 a year. But I also live 3+ hours from any considerable sized city.

I don't have a partner right now. I also have no desire to anymore, for any time in the forseeable future, if ever. I've been married twice, and had a housemate, which all failed miserably. Also other non live in partners over my 30 years as an adult. Now that I'm an empty nester, I'm over it. Just been working my job, and enjoying my peace and freedom when I'm off. Work on my own things and do what I want without feeling guilty about it, or limiting what I do because it doesn't fit their schedule. Play my music without disturbing anyone, or being disturbed. Maybe I can get good enough to play in a band once in awhile, like I did in the 90s. Save a lot of money too. My goal for a long time has been to have my house paid for by my 50th birthday. So far I think I can. Nobody always spending themselves into ruins and begging me to bail them out (multiple partners have started out self sufficient then turned out this way). Drive my beloved old cars and not have to worry about impressing anyone. Eat my small selection of safe foods that my body handles well, and not have to feel bad about avoiding restaurants. Also not having to spend my resources worrying about someone else, I have been working towards getting my health stabilized, if not better.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Autism can lead to a myriad of peripheral problems. I'm going to elaborate while responding to the post below.



I totally believe autism is a turnoff to many.

That being said, it goes beyond the autism itself.

Many folks with autism make a low income, don't drive, and don't have much of a social life (3 factors that are often viewed as a turnoff).

Our unfamiliarity with social norms makes us prone to unknowingly acting "creepy" when pursuing a potential partner (which, in turn, can make us be reluctant to pursue a partner in the first place).

Since the man is expected to pursue the woman in the vast majority of cases, a reluctance to pursue a partner really holds back men especially. And no, this isn't me playing the "Oppression Olympics" game of "which gender has it harder." When I say the man is expected to pursue the woman in the vast majority of cases, all I'm doing is stating a fact that even my previous counselor admitted is true.

I'm glad that counselor said that. I'd rather have a counselor speak facts, even if it's a fact I don't like, than have a counselor lie to tell me what I want to hear. Had my counselor told me "You don't have to pursue a woman...the woman will pursue the man more often than not," he'd be setting me up for disappointment (because what he'd be saying wouldn't come true)

Furthermore, pointing out one area that disproportionately impacts men doesn't mean a woman never struggles in that area, nor does it mean there aren't other areas where a woman struggles more. So it really shouldn't get viewed as playing a game of "which gender has it harder" if we point out one area that disproportionately impacts men.

Lastly, tying into the thing about the man being expected to make the first move in the vast majority of cases, our inability to read a woman's "ask me out" clues means there are probably a lot of potential partners we don't even realize are potential partners. In other words, there are probably a lot of women who would say "yeah" if we asked her out, yet we never ask her out because we don't realize she'd like us to ask her out.

You got it asked my new tenant to join my to watch my cousin play, she said yes, found out later all my other female tenants were waiting for me to ask one of them here I was going to bars sitting alone having a drink, while at home a house full of single women, waiting for to ask one of them. They even had a pact That If I asked one of them I was off limits to the others.

 

[Rodafina]

I find it to be more of two extremes. Similar to our spiky skill sets, vs NTs usually being more balanced.

Sure, it's no guarantee and every partnership will undoubtedly have its own unique challenges. If the spikes are dissonant, then the challenges may be too great. But, if the spikes are complementary, then it can be a very nice match.

 

[FeatherBird]

It could be quite a turn-on for an autistic gal. Beyond being a “turn-on”, it could be a great foundation for establishing a comfortable and loving relationship.

In such a relationship, there may be a lot more room to disregard social norms and assuage feelings of missing social cues.

In my time both posting on and reading online autism communities, I've noticed many a woman with autism has a shocking lack of sympathy for an autistic male potential partner missing social cues/being unfamiliar with social norms regarding courtship.

[And no, that's not to say every autistic woman lacks sympathy. All I'm saying is: Finding an autistic woman isn't necessarily a feasible solution in many cases]

 

[FeatherBird]

In the handful of relationships I have had (all with NT women) the only thing in hindsight I see that may have attracted them was how I contrasted with my NT counterpart. Two of those relationships lasted more than three years.

My autistic traits and behaviors may have turned off many NT women, but clearly not all of them.

Though four in five of those relationships involved being friends first...which for me probably made all the difference in the world. When I had the chance to let someone know me as a person rather than just a "date".

Don't sell yourself short just because you are autistic. You never know....

In a way, I'm of the belief that dating a neurotypical woman is better for an autistic man than dating an autistic woman.

 

[Jonn]

Our unfamiliarity with social norms makes us prone to unknowingly acting "creepy" when pursuing a potential partner

I find it exceptionally tedious to have to explain, time and time again, that presenting oneself poorly is not the same as being creepy.
Once again, for the millionth time, INTENT is critical when assessing the situation.
It is particularly vexing when female autistics misrepresent us.

N.B.:
I am referring to incidents encountered elsewhere.
That "bad taste" will never be expunged, apparently.

 

[AuAL]

My autistic traits and behaviors may have turned off many NT women, but clearly not all of them.

Though four in five of those relationships involved being friends first...which for me probably made all the difference in the world. When I had the chance to let someone know me as a person rather than just a "date".

Think about this for a second. What is it with the, “swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right” that you think is going to set you up with someone you will want to spend 50+ years with. Get to know people, become friends, become more. How do you make that happen? What things do you like? Really like. Doing what things makes you happy? Where do you find other people doing that, interested in that? Go there. Do that. Do it together with others. See someone interesting? Get to know them more. Ask a question - let them talk. Be interested in them, what they do, what they think. Do this because it’s nice to find out more about people. Let it happen, don’t try to make it happen. You might become friends. (You might not. That happens.) You might eventually become more than friends, (You might not. That happens.) Enjoy the journey, let what happens, happen.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Not knowing I was on the spectrum meeting a NT woman worked out great fortunately we have a lot in common
both 2nd oldest me from a family of boys one sister her from a family of girls one brother.

 

[FeatherBird]

I find it exceptionally tedious to have to explain, time and time again, that presenting oneself poorly is not the same as being creepy.
Once again, for the millionth time, INTENT is critical when assessing the situation.
It is particularly vexing when female autistics misrepresent us.

N.B.:
I am referring to incidents encountered elsewhere.
That "bad taste" will never be expunged, apparently.

Well-said.

Unfortunately, however, intent is never taken into account.

Simply committing a social blunder is seen as creepy, even if we have no idea we've done anything wrong (and despite being socially stunted on account of our autism, we're expected to magically know the "right" thing to do in any social situation)

 

[FeatherBird]

Think about this for a second. What is it with the, “swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right” that you think is going to set you up with someone you will want to spend 50+ years with. Get to know people, become friends, become more. How do you make that happen? What things do you like? Really like. Doing what things makes you happy? Where do you find other people doing that, interested in that? Go there. Do that. Do it together with others. See someone interesting? Get to know them more. Ask a question - let them talk. Be interested in them, what they do, what they think. Do this because it’s nice to find out more about people. Let it happen, don’t try to make it happen. You might become friends. (You might not. That happens.) You might eventually become more than friends, (You might not. That happens.) Enjoy the journey, let what happens, happen.

Even though you weren't quoting me, I'm going to chime in.

Am I likely to find a compatible long-term partner from swiping on an app? Most likely not.

Am I statistically more likely to find a compatible long-term partner from meeting organically while doing something I enjoy? Probably.

That being said, swiping on an app is a lot easier for me than pursuing a woman I met organically from a social circle. I can explain.

If I were to meet a woman organically from a social circle, end up thinking she's into me, and then ask her out, only to find out I misread her apparently nonexistent interest, I'd feel like an idiot (and the mere sight of her would remind me of what an idiot I am every time we cross paths from that point on).

On the other hand, I have no reason to think a total stranger I swiped on digitally is into me, therefore no reason to feel like an idiot if it turns out she's not into me (and I'm highly unlikely to run into her post-rejection, seeing as she's a total stranger)

You see, my fear of rejection is more a fear of being wrong (and having to then run into her post-rejection). I'd rather get rejected by a thousand total strangers than get rejected by even one woman I already know, who I genuinely thought was into me.

 

[tlc]

Think about this for a second. What is it with the, “swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right” that you think is going to set you up with someone you will want to spend 50+ years with. Get to know people, become friends, become more. How do you make that happen? What things do you like? Really like. Doing what things makes you happy? Where do you find other people doing that, interested in that? Go there. Do that. Do it together with others. See someone interesting? Get to know them more. Ask a question - let them talk. Be interested in them, what they do, what they think. Do this because it’s nice to find out more about people. Let it happen, don’t try to make it happen. You might become friends. (You might not. That happens.) You might eventually become more than friends, (You might not. That happens.) Enjoy the journey, let what happens, happen.

Why I always refused to use swipe only apps. If there’s not a decent bio that also suggests compatibility, then it’s a pass. True I might be missing out on some people, but messaging everyone out there to check for compatibility isn’t worth the effort. Besides, someone with no bio is not putting in any effort on their end anyway.

 

[Judge]

Think about this for a second. What is it with the, “swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, swipe right” that you think is going to set you up with someone you will want to spend 50+ years with.

LOL. Swipe? Don't ask me.

I'm a boomer. I've never "swiped" an LCD screen, let alone owned a cellphone. And for anyone to touch my monitor's screen with their slimy fingers....well it could go badly for them.

In terms of my own relationships with NT women, they occurred in the late 70s, 80s and 90s. All but one of my relationships began as friendships without the pressures of dating. No "swiping" required.
The one exception was someone at work whose cubicle was only a few feet away.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Is it my age, what is swiping?

 

[blue_bird]

No. I'm in the complicated position of needing a partner first, to make me feel worthy of having a partner.