Do You Hold Grudges?

[ZebraAutismo]

I struggle to forgive people unless they try and make amends.

 

[Streetwise]

all i know about forgiveness do it immediately as the theory is it very damaging to you if you dont
im still angry but i remember i was walking up the street and i felt physically strangely ill from being angry a second before Ive never felt as strange as that ive never felt it again but the memory left a mark

I struggle to forgive people unless they try and make amends.

 

[Mathalamus]

i used to be unforgiving. but then, at some point, i realized that its expensive, does nothing, solves nothing, and is a negative thing, so i let it go, and trained myself to let go.

sometimes, it takes five seconds to let go (often do so pointedly.) or a week or so (if i am deeply hurt.)

 

[Keigan]

Life is to short to hold onto resentment or grudges - pee on their leg and move on.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I hold people to the same standards I hold myself. Disastrous, I know, but it seems fair to me. If they make no effort to repair damage, then they do not deserve to be forgiven or forgotten lest they do it again. Logic of "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Sometimes I even hold things against myself and make a memo to fix later that others may forget years later. If they make reparations, I will forgive them, but it'll always be there in the back of my mind to make sure they don't do it again. I do get an awful lot of complaints about that, but usually the ones who complain about it are the ones that like to mistreat others in the first place.

This is exactly me.

 

[Adder1234]

Most things I can forget in a few days, but some grudges I've had for ten years or more. Even when I haven't seen the person for years, I can't forget.

 

[ksheehan88]

I forgive too easily, but I never forget what they did.

 

[Eromevol]

My grudges and resentments seem to be very deep seated and flare up in the extreme when a person's or people's collective behaviour touches. Perhaps years of feelings without the ability to put words to them and subsequently no real ability to express how I feel?

 

[Spotty01]

In my case, it tends to vary depending on a few factors: how often they've wronged me, how well I know them/how I often I have to deal with them, and if I ever get any closure on the matter.

For example, if someone wrongs me once in the past, then I usually let it go after a little while, especially if I never have to see them again, they apologize later, or I get some other form of closure in the situation. However, if someone wrongs me once (or several times, whatever) and never apologizes about it or shows no sign of being willing to change their ways, then I'll often feel bitter about it even years later.

One example of the latter would be a girl (not naming any names here) I went to middle/junior high school with who bullied me relentlessly throughout the three years we attended school there together, to the point she began spreading rumors to just about every student and teacher there and turning all of them against me (I'm still appalled at how cruel some kids can be). However, I bared through it (mostly by ignoring them all completely) and assumed that, once I left middle school, I would never have to deal with any of them again. That was not the case when I started seeing that exact same girl frequently in high school; though I never had any classes with her, I saw her in the halls during class changes and in the cafeteria a lot.

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that once she got older and matured, she wouldn't be as much of a b**ch. Long story short, I was wrong to. She hadn't changed a bit, I still overheard her talking to her friends (I guess that's what they were) and telling lies about me bullying her back in middle school and occasionally giving me a dirty look or a s***-eating grin.

From my perspective, holding a grudge against someone like that is a perfectly justified thing to do, but I'd like to hear others' opinions on the matter too. Well, that and the topic title's question of course. That is all.

 

[Streetwise]

YeP i still do 30 years later and constantly adding
one i see a lot !!!!cant avoid- its like a trapdoor spider but thats insulting spiders
I have a grudge against one thats probably reading what you and i post on this forum
and its always the top of posts for the week

 

[Tyrantus1212]

What that girl did to you was despicable, Spotty. I'm just deeply appalled at how cruel people can be, and it's most definitely justified to hold grudges against such people.

I've had my fair share of being bullied and made fun of, from kindergarten all the way up to college. I blame myself for the college part. My AS has been peaking during my last couple of years in college and my classmates thought I was either crazy or on drugs - and I didn't even realize how I have behaved until shortly before graduation, and that was only with the help of an intervention from a professor and a group of students.

I was loud, hyper, obnoxious, socially inept, tactless, either too happy or too whiny, always worried about everything, always made excuses, never listened to anyone, distracting, intrusive, and just plain annoying and weird in general. I was smart, but at the same time I was an idiot due to bad communication, slow learning and lack of common sense. I was pretty much the unintentional antagonist of my department. I never meant to hurt or offend anybody.

After I graduated I simply wanted to isolate myself from everything and everyone having to do with college. I tried too hard to make friends there and ended up pushing pretty much everyone away. Even if I were to behave better, like I did in high school, people would have still made fun of me because I was still extremely weird. I've been blaming myself for people hating me and making fun of me in college. I didn't even know what Asperger's was back then - yet there it was. Now that my psychologist told me I have it I'm not even sure if I should blame myself for college or not. I still do, very very much. Not using it as an excuse, or how some people describe it - a "crutch". No crutches there, I deserved to fall.

I feel like I could have done much better with my former classmates. Yet at the same time I am holding grudges against them, because I believe that they never gave me a chance. I hold grudges against anyone who overreacts to me because I'm a good person and it's just very unfair. But mostly I hold the grudges against myself because I hate the way I behaved and still behave.

I may have improved slightly but I still experience a lot of self-loathing mainly for the college behavior and the way I act at home, while at the same time loathing others for overreacting. An overwhelming minority of the aforementioned classmates did think that I was cool, and I kind of got back in touch with one of them; he and I text daily now.

Now, at work - people are civil to me there but I'm still capable of driving them up the wall crazy there and I got into some spats with coworkers and I hold grudges against them too for overreacting. I never mean to, yet I always do. I was told that holding grudges is unhealthy, especially against oneself - but what good are their words if I just can't let go? I can never let go of things, it's practically nonexistent to me.

I just recently started seeing a psychologist because I've been struggling for years. He said I have Asperger's and advised that I join an online support group - and now here I am. Happy to have joined, happy to be here. I'm happy that you've joined AC Spotty, and looooooong before I have!

 

[Crossbreed]

Being a Christian, I couldn't afford to even if I wanted to. And, in hindsight, it is pretty freeing that I don't maintain such pockets of bitterness.

I do recognize when certain people have particular offensive tendencies and factor that into my interactions with them (preferably avoiding them), but I don't wish them ill will, if their offenses are not particularly criminal.

I am not averse to letting them (figuratively) hang themselves with their own rope, but that is passive on my part.

If their offenses are criminal, I will call for appropriate action by authorities, but then it becomes [the authority's] problem. At that level, their offense is against society, not just me. I feel that it becomes my responsibility to call them on it. After that, it's out of my hands.

(We have a local pocket of gossipers who are bent on seeing our LFA daughter taken from us legally. Fortunately, her doctors know that we are taking good care of her and vouch for us.)

 

[kay]

I went to school with a similar girl. Fortunately the teachers all knew what she was like. She bullied quite a few of us from 8th through 12th. Last time I saw her, about a year after graduation, she actually stuck her tongue out at me. No grudge against her exactly(well, a tiny one perhaps) but I hope I never, ever have to ever see her again.

 

[LittleKnownBeat]

I'm afraid to admit it but, yes I do. I'm unable to maintain the grudge though. I'll usually forget about it or have no feeling/reaction towards the person after a substantial amount of time passes. The longest I held a grudge was a bit over.... 4 months. Waking up each morning to that much emotional stress and reciprocated anger, took a lot out of me. Eventually, it came to a point where it became so counter productive, that i began to re evaluate the situation. Is it ok for someone to dislike me? Should that dislike warrant them enough right to bully me? Of course not!

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. She sounds like an awful person to deal with.

 

[WereBear]

I do recognize when certain people have particular offensive tendencies and factor that into my interactions with them (preferably avoiding them), but I don't wish them ill will, if their offenses are not particularly criminal.

Likewise, I try to maintain the position that they will be their own worst punishment.

Living in a constant fog of defensiveness and negativity, trying to avoid the knowledge that obnoxious power over other is the only power they have, and pretending that people don't cringe when they see them coming; I think that's a hell right here on earth.

 

[Danny 74]

Are you a person who holds grudges? I certainly am. I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until fairly late, and I have had teachers make my life a living hell. It would take far too long to describe them all, but many of them have made me cry. I'll give one example: Just last year, I had a Global Studies teacher who was one of the most sarcastic people whom I have ever met. I've always had a problem with correcting teachers, but have gotten better at it. This teacher said that she liked being corrected, but I was skeptical. So I kept asking her, and she kept saying yes, she liked being corrected. I eventually started crying (in front of the whole class) because I didn't know if she was being sarcastic or not, but I finally believed her. Later, I corrected her...and she got mad. Some kids later told me that she was being sarcastic.

Back to the point: I have never forgiven these teachers for treating me like this, especially the teachers who already knew I had Asperger's, such the one mentioned above. I hold grudges against these people, even though I'm told I shouldn't. Do you also hold grudges against those who've treated you like that, or are you better at just letting this stuff slide?

I had one teacher in my junior school who tormented the life out of me for being different, loved to embaress me and make me stand in the rain as i was no good at maths...evil bastard but thats how it was for me in the 80s so yeah bit of a grudge but nothing personal. .....!

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I'd like to inquire about my earlier post on this thread, specifically as to why it's suddenly divided into paragraphs because I did not divide it into paragraphs when I typed it. Are there moderators on here who do that if the post is too long? Because I'm absolutely OK with that. I just want to make sure that I wasn't hacked. Hackers are one of my biggest triggers for anxiety and panic, so please - I need to know why my post is suddenly divided into paragraphs. Thanks.

 

[tree]

I'd like to inquire about my earlier post on this thread, specifically as to why it's suddenly divided into paragraphs because I did not divide it into paragraphs when I typed it. Are there moderators on here who do that if the post is too long? Because I'm absolutely OK with that. I just want to make sure that I wasn't hacked. Hackers are one of my biggest triggers for anxiety and panic, so please - I need to know why my post is suddenly divided into paragraphs. Thanks.

No hacking.

I took the liberty of paragraphing it, so that I could easily read it.
That is a something a moderator can do----edit.
I didn't remove any of your content.
I paragraphed it for clarity.

Often people avoid/skip over posts that appear to be a
wall of text. For maximum readability, paragraphing is
useful.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

No hacking.

I took the liberty of paragraphing it, so that I could easily read it.
That is a something a moderator can do----edit.
I didn't remove any of your content.
I paragraphed it for clarity.

Often people avoid/skip over posts that appear to be a
wall of text. For maximum readability, paragraphing is
useful.

In that case I appreciate it, tree. Organization has never been one of my strong points, and I'll try to keep my posts in paragraphs from now on unless I forget.

 

[SusanLR]

I just came across this thread and had been wondering about the subject for quite sometime so I'm adding a reply.

For example, if someone wrongs me once in the past, then I usually let it go after a little while, especially if I never have to see them again, they apologize later, or I get some other form of closure in the situation. However, if someone wrongs me once (or several times, whatever) and never apologizes about it or shows no sign of being willing to change their ways, then I'll often feel bitter about it even years later.

This is how I feel too. I need closure to get rid of a grudge and if they aren't willing to talk about it or try to work it out then it is not forgotten. I have the need to understand their actions.