Do You Hold Grudges?

[Katleya]

Hmm, I think it's fair to say that I live by a motto to the effect of No closure, no pardon.
I can hold a seemingly minor thing against someone for years if they haven't shown remorse & if they haven't apologized or shown remorse/concern. Meanwhile, I can forgive much bigger things if the attitude afterwards was what I deemed the "right" one & if the offender has tried to make amends.

I don't really like how ruthless that makes me, but on the other hand, I really need that shield to protect me from getting hurt over & over again, so I'd be lying if I said I'm hoping to change that. If people don't want me to be mad at them, all they need to do is to not make me mad, fair & simple.

 

[Spotty01]

This is how I feel too. I need closure to get rid of a grudge and if they aren't willing to talk about it or try to work it out then it is not forgotten. I have the need to understand their actions.

I'm usually told to "let it go" or "get over it", especially if it's been quite a while, but I can't just "get over it". I sometimes think back to an incident with a particularly bad troll a while back. By "a while back", I mean when I was fourteen, over five years ago. It still gives me a little pang of anxiety.

I can tell myself all day long that "the past is the past", but it never works out for me. If I don't get my closure, then it's something that'll stick with me for years. Just another curse that comes with ASD.

Oh, and as of your response, this thread is 100 posts long and counting! Whoo!

 

[Gracey]

I think this subject is why I quite like the idea of Karma. (A universal force can do my dirty work )

I do know that if someone offends my own perception of what is reasonable, just and courteous or honourable I will feel angry. If someone abuses my trust; which is hard earned, I will want to understand why and will feel pretty stupid that I never saw it coming usually resulting in anger - (passive)

I do try to see the above as an opportunity to learn by my mistakes because I don't trust myself with what I view as an alternative. (acting on how I feel)
There's a saying; "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"
Try, "Hell hath no fury like an Aspie woman scorned" (The intelligence, creativity, resourcefulness, focus... imagine being the target of a special revenge interest)

:O

 

[Babyc]

Are you a person who holds grudges? I certainly am. I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until fairly late, and I have had teachers make my life a living hell. It would take far too long to describe them all, but many of them have made me cry. I'll give one example: Just last year, I had a Global Studies teacher who was one of the most sarcastic people whom I have ever met. I've always had a problem with correcting teachers, but have gotten better at it. This teacher said that she liked being corrected, but I was skeptical. So I kept asking her, and she kept saying yes, she liked being corrected. I eventually started crying (in front of the whole class) because I didn't know if she was being sarcastic or not, but I finally believed her. Later, I corrected her...and she got mad. Some kids later told me that she was being sarcastic.

Back to the point: I have never forgiven these teachers for treating me like this, especially the teachers who already knew I had Asperger's, such the one mentioned above. I hold grudges against these people, even though I'm told I shouldn't. Do you also hold grudges against those who've treated you like that, or are you better at just letting this stuff slide?

I do hold grudges and it's not easy to forget. In your situation, the great revenge for that is great success. Good luck!

 

[Chance]

I had to sit and think on this before I replied... I cant say I have never felt this way, because I have many time, but maybe I noticed it was hurting me, more than the person(s) who didn't give a rats butt about me anyway.

Sure I get my feelings hurt, and GOD knows I don't understand lots of people... But thats where I stopped...

I just admitted, "I don't understand." Maybe thats the whole thing... Others won't admit this, or they feel the need to be dominate, or be hurtful, or pay me back for some stupid look I gave them (who knows).

Me holding ill feelings is only hurting ME and I KNOW this. Its 24/7 sending this toxic mixture of chemicals coursing through my body caused by the stress and the ugly thoughts... This goes far past me needing to be right, or understood. Its causing very real harm to my body, my mind, maybe even to my spirit or soul (whatever you wish to call it).

So I just starting learning to let it go. It doesn't mean they are right in what they did. It doesn't mean allowing them to continue hurt and abuse me. The best thing I have ever done is LET IT GO, or LET THEM GO... and just leave it to the universe. I cant understand them, so there is no answer, so why mull it over and over?

I didn't use to be the happiest guy, and I still struggle with that, and this right here was why... I would mull this stuff over and over in my head and I was living in all these horrid scenes from my past, while destroying my present and my future. I cant allow that.

I have a lot of life to live... Yes, I (we) are gonna have days that SUCK! I don't think I have entered some paradise where we all get free passes to Perfectville. Life is icky, its tough, it will beat the s--- out of you if you let it.

But I have to just step back and acknowledge, "Okay it sucks right now, but what can I do to get past this?" Often the answer is NOTHING, so there is nothing I can do. Or if I need to apologize, I do it, its done and I move the hell on. Let it go... and we free ourselves... Those other ass holes, let them wallow in their own
messes.

Today I live a far better life than most anyone that has tortured me in my past. I look back and I see drunks, haters, perverts, mean ass people who would hurt me again at the drop of a hat... I will never get that, so its their problem not mine. We worry over stuff not ours to suffer over... but I am learning to let it go.
I hope we all can learn to do this, it fixes a whole lot of things that cant be fixed by any other means : )

 

[Chance]

In my case, it tends to vary depending on a few factors: how often they've wronged me, how well I know them/how I often I have to deal with them, and if I ever get any closure on the matter.

For example, if someone wrongs me once in the past, then I usually let it go after a little while, especially if I never have to see them again, they apologize later, or I get some other form of closure in the situation. However, if someone wrongs me once (or several times, whatever) and never apologizes about it or shows no sign of being willing to change their ways, then I'll often feel bitter about it even years later.

One example of the latter would be a girl (not naming any names here) I went to middle/junior high school with who bullied me relentlessly throughout the three years we attended school there together, to the point she began spreading rumors to just about every student and teacher there and turning all of them against me (I'm still appalled at how cruel some kids can be). However, I bared through it (mostly by ignoring them all completely) and assumed that, once I left middle school, I would never have to deal with any of them again. That was not the case when I started seeing that exact same girl frequently in high school; though I never had any classes with her, I saw her in the halls during class changes and in the cafeteria a lot.

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that once she got older and matured, she wouldn't be as much of a b**ch. Long story short, I was wrong to. She hadn't changed a bit, I still overheard her talking to her friends (I guess that's what they were) and telling lies about me bullying her back in middle school and occasionally giving me a dirty look or a s***-eating grin.

From my perspective, holding a grudge against someone like that is a perfectly justified thing to do, but I'd like to hear others' opinions on the matter too. Well, that and the topic title's question of course. That is all.

She's a B.... in every form of the word... but you not letting that go hurts YOU, not her, she will get hers, but you torture yourself, just like I have done. We get these images of WTF in our heads... We stumble over how mean people can be and it turns into a grudge that is our own sword to fall on.

 

[paloftoon]

Holding grudges or not has truly been a struggle for me. I've been told too many times over not to hold the grudges that I did. All this did in turn was lower my confidence though, because it was made to sound like I was just being too hard and that these people were "just being kids." No, they weren't just being kids. They knew what the hell they were doing whether they were kids or not. For some things, it is totally fine to expect a meaningful apology. I have not gotten many of those. For those that I have gotten, it was much easier for me to move on and no longer hold that grudge. I can usually tell when someone does something with some malicious, mischievous, or unintentional intent.

I think if someone truly apologizes and you still hold a complete grudge even after that, unless there was like extreme abuse, I think you are holding a grudge too long. I feel I was on the other end in a situation where I ended up apologizing once I realized the wrong I had cause on that person. That person and most people in his community and family did not even want to deal with me at all. If I could ever try to fix this situation, I would do more than most people would feasibly think is possible between human beings. Being on this end, eventually I have to move on myself. It's not emotionally healthy to stay in a state of blaming yourself when the other side won't try to be supportive or your growth either. It is good to learn from your mistakes and try to not repeat them again, no matter how absurd the actions were.

 

[fairy_girl]

I tend to not let things get to me unless people are directly being a difficult and argumentative then yes I will stop communicating with them. I'd rather not be a doormat because that's how my mom's family is. I refuse to be like them and if it means cutting out the family then I'm fine with that. I could care less if people forget an order, stuff happens like that. Just be sure to get it right next time when I ask ya.

I stopped going to be my aunt's house after her daughter had died recently she was always picking fights with everyone and was just difficult to be around. We drove 8 hours to see a woman who can't control herself for that, if I had my choice I would have rather stayed home. I recently went back to the holidays with the family and it was alright.

Another grudge I hold with my family are the ones who did drugs in the past and they want to be forgiven now that they are clean and sober. I chose not to hang out with them because they were followers and did everything that anyone wanted like good little lap dogs. If things didn't go there way they chose drugs over getting the help they needed, guess what happened they stayed at our house like a half-way house. I had to share a bathroom with them, their parents had the notion of "tough love" so we got stuck with them till they got clean and put a few through college too. I hid my razors/toothbrush and cleaned the crap out of my bathroom tub/toilet every week. Family has stolen from my mom for their drug habit back in the day and they aspect to be forgiven like it was nothing. If I was a vengeful person I would tell their son why his father doesn't talk about his past but I chose not to. The father doesn't drink alcohol but he drinks cough syrup at night, he never really changed at all.

The thing that bugs me about being forgiven is that I need to so someone will take care of me after my parents are dead. WTH?? That's just some messed up logic.

 

[Mad Reader]

You betcha I hold grudges.

 

[Flinty]

Not as much as I used to.

Trust me, it greatly improved my emotional state.

 

[OrSomething]

In a way, I do, but in a way I don't. I don't act unfriendly to the person, and still treat them the same as ever. But I don't totally forgive, in that it still clouds my opinion of the person, and sometimes I think back to the incident and get upset again.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Oh yes I do.
My trust issues are quite bad and I have trouble forgiving people who have wronged me, especially people who have caused trauma or some sort of emotional damage.
I try to let things go but sometimes things stir up memories and remind me of that person, and the cycle starts all over again.
I'm likely to move on from a minor incident relatively easily, though if that person screws up a second or third time I'm not as likely to let it go.

As others have previously stated, I am able to let go of a grudge if there is closure.

 

[Aura Todd]

We had a teacher whose idea to get people used to the water in a swimming pool during lessons, was to shove it under then get nattering to collegues forgetting she was drowning you in the procese!

I used to love swimming as a toddler, until I met her then she destroyed all my confidence. Thanks to her I can't even put my head under water now without feeling fear, thanks to her she made swimming lessons an intense ordeal and put A LOT of us off swimming. She's gone now, but the damage has already been done and she caused more destruction probably then the The Kriegsmarine!

 

[Oodee]

My bf is really holding on to grudges, and every day 1he thinks people who have wronged him in the past and uses a lot of time plotting his revenge. I surely can hold a grudge myself, but not like him. I think it's affecting his life way too much and isn't healthy, and so I hope that if someone has any tips on how I could help him stop thinking those people all the time and get on with life, I would appreciate them. Of course it might be that he never stops that and then I just have to accept it is a part of him, but I wish he would concentrate in something more positive.

 

[Suzanne]

@Oodee
I did laugh because of how true it is.

I would not call it a grudge though, especially if he has been wronged; it is more like being incensed with the injustice of it all, that he is unable to get past.

What is helping me at long last ( I was diagnosed with ptsd) is something called: tapping. Also, I was put on some meds to calm anger down and it did work. I have come off them on my own and sense that actually that is all I needed, although I have gone back to a place that I do not like, because of how it makes me feel; but in fact, I do not think I have ptsd now, as I recently opened up a bit about my past and did not either get consummed with anger or bursting into tears and even more so, I seem to be able to say: I can move on from that now, even if I shall never forget what happened; it does not crush me as much as it had done.

I have been talking with a homopathic dr and she has helped me to "tap" into why I feel such a such and it hit me that I have lived my life feeling ashamed of ME and once I realised that, little breakthroughs are occuring, but it does take one to WANT to move on. So, if your man is emmersed in the past; then all you can do, is be there for him in silence.

 

[Metalhead]

My grudges eat me alive. They give me a sense of entitlement to engage in unhealthy behavior (such as binge drinking) and to not take care of myself. For many years, I had an insanely massive victim complex that I am now fighting to get rid of. I started volunteering as a way to get outside of my own headspace. My own headspace is a dangerous place for me to hang out in currently.

The reality is that the days when anybody could do whatever they wanted to me without my having any realistic way to do anything about it are long gone. Those days realistically ended on my 18th birthday. I have an unhealthy attachment to the past, and I tend to misdirect that frustration towards targets that have nothing to do with why I am frustrated to begin with (such as Trump supporters, for example).

These realizations are what I get for listening to my psychotherapist. Now I have to work to move past all of this BS within my heart. Lovely.

 

[Slim Jim]

No. Unless they've done something really bad to me.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I hold grudges against a lot of kids from high school and I have every right to be angry at them. They all treated my like garbage and bullied me severely and the worst part is that they got away with it because the school refused to help me and thought it’d be better to blame it all on me. I refuse to forgive those kids because not once did they ever show any remorse for their actions or try to apologize to me. If any of them were in AA and tried to make amends, I’d reject it and tell them that it’s too late for apologies and that I will never forgive them.