Empathy and YOUR feelings as an AS person

[Ginseng]

I'm asking for your opinions of how your experience of empathy - i.e. how the feelings of others affect you, makes you feel inside.

If I have energy and am not severely strained from constantly masking I can handle emotions happy and sad fairly well. If I am stressed and barely able to function then I may well go overboard in my interactions and not do that well. Too much energy from others can have an overbearing affect on me especially if I am sick, tired, or overly stressed. However anger and someones trauma is always a different story. I can sense when someone in a room has been upset by something. I HAVE to approach them and find out what is wrong. Fortunately, the few times this has occurred the people (I was fairly close too) told me so what was wrong so that I could calm down. I literally would be distressed over this and more distressed than the person who was experiencing the distress. They were always surprised it showed and did not see how I could even tell. Certainly no one else could tell either. I am not sure what it is I can see, but I see something that to me is obvious and the pain (for me) is excruciating.

I have never been able to deal appropriately with anyone's anger. Unless it is a situation I am in control of (like dealing with the school system and letting them know they will do things the way they are required to do by law...) They become exceedingly angry, but I always enjoy this anger from them. But other anger I see as out of control and I do not know where it comes from or where it is going. I do not feel safe and I do not know how to respond. I did learn when I was younger to use my counseling tools to diffuse anger situations (which helps greatly) but with some people I don't seem to want to go that route of rebuilding or repairing their "hurt" or truly seeking out the cause of their anger. I just try to avoid those people But anger can cause my PTSD to resurface. I am really tired of angry people and bully's.

Do you feel less or more intensely than they appear to?
Most definitely I feel more intensely. And that embarrasses me. I really try to tone it down and act like it doesn't affect me to the extent that it does.

How does it make you feel if you can't share in the moment with them, or don't know how to comfort somebody when they're down?
I feel so awkward and socially inept. I want to dissociate and hide.

Are you afraid of misunderstanding or rejections or are you confident in the way you handle emotional situations?
I feel people would not understand the level and extent that I do feel for others. I have to tone it down a great deal. I rarely feel confident in the way I handle emotional situations.

I want to give the NT world, and others like us an idea of what we go through when powerful feelings are going on around us,

Autistamatic, I am so thankful you are pursuing this important topic.

 

[Onna]

I’ve just posted a blog which shares a recent experience of rejection and misunderstanding, it might help. Although I’m not sure it goes enough into the experiences of the emotions and empathy for what you’re looking for.

 

[Otenba]

Now I'm on my PC I can answer the questions more easily...

Do you feel less or more intensely than they appear to?

I can do, but I am also someone who has learnt how to suppress their feelings again.

How does it make you feel if you can't share in the moment with them, or don't know how to comfort somebody when they're down?

I am okay with this when it does happen, especially considering I'm applying CBT to my response. I don't experience the "don't know how" thing very much, but I think if it has ever happened, I'd look back through my memory, or do research if I have time, to get an idea on basic things I could do from other similar experiences. Offer a cold or hot drink, offer to listen, get them a tissue to cry on, etc, then adjust myself to what they want. Some times they just want space and silence, which I think most people tend to do first, but if I notice someone upset - even someone who doesn't even like me - I will usually go get them a tissue if I can.

Are you afraid of misunderstanding or rejections or are you confident in the way you handle emotional situations?

I have grown up not being aware of possibly being autistic so I have a good level of confidence; however in recent times while I'm waiting for my assessment, I have been noticing that my confidence has had some knocks. I've had to distance myself from even friendly people just so I don't get upset with not being sure of myself. I hope this will ease off or stop when/if I'm diagnosed. In the meantime, I research and apply what I've learnt. It's always what I've done and it's worked most of the time, despite the difficulties I've had with relationships over my lifetime. I can count on one hand how many people seem to truly loathe my existence in the world and that low number is something I consider good.


In light of this topic and these questions, something I have been told many times is I'm a "sensitive person" and this is one of the reasons why my husband sees me as autistic. My emotions do have a big say in what I say or do, and I recognise that I can be intense or enthusiastic easily, even when being friendly and loving; thankfully I have had plenty of feedback that I'm friendly so I don't think I have much to worry about, but I don't understand why I can't make friends easily. I don't like to use the word passionate because it does not seem to mean the same as enthusiastic to other people. My best friend who I met about three years ago, one of the first things I told her about myself was that I was an intense person. She told me within the last six months that that statement made them laugh at the time, but she definitely thinks it's an accurate description of me. She has reassured me that I am a very excellent friend too so I think I can be suitably empathetic when needed.

When the topic of autistic people and empathy comes up, because of my personal case, I am very much of the opinion that autistic people feel empathy, and in some cases, they feel it stronger than neurotypicals, especially if you factor in how enthusiastic they can get about minor things compared to them (like I do lol). I am someone who is interested in minimising suffering in the world too.

Thanks for starting this thread and everyone sharing their views. It has been very insightful for me as someone still learning about autism and what it may mean for me.

 

[Onna]

I’ve just posted a blog which shares a recent experience of rejection and misunderstanding, it might help. Although I’m not sure it goes enough into the experiences of the emotions and empathy for what you’re looking for.

There’s also a part 2 now, which I think goes into more detail explaining emotion and how they’re interpreted.

 

[Autistamatic]

There’s also a part 2 now, which I think goes into more detail explaining emotion and how they’re interpreted.

Thanks Onna. I'll have a read of both

 

[Onna]

Thanks Onna. I'll have a read of both

No worries. I’m feeling determined to spread awareness. It’s a great job you do on your videos.

 

[Autistamatic]

No worries. I’m feeling determined to spread awareness. It’s a great job you do on your videos.

Thank you Onna I'm glad you feel that determination. I hid in the shadows for most of my life until I was forcibly outed, so now I'm out there I'm trying to do the same.

 

[Autistamatic]

Wish i could answer some of your questions but i no longer have emotional empathy... this is likely from a co-morbid.

I'm still interested to hear your take on things though, if you're happy to share. What do you think and/or feel when you observe people going through powerful emotions? If you don't feel any kind of empathy at all, do you take the role of passive observer? Do you try to give the appearance of wanting to be involved or avoid the situation?
What you describe in the post I quoted basically conforms to the stereotype applied to us all, so it would be great to hear your take on the subject, even if the specific questions I originally posed don't seem relevant to you.

 

[Theta.G]

What do you think and/or feel when you observe people going through powerful emotions? In real life...
If uncomfortable / unsettled is an emotion i guess that would be the one. Get it from most social situations if not all but someone having an emotional breakdown makes it worse. (social anxiety)
Thought process is generally i want to get tf out of here but need to stay so they can dump their emotions on me to feel better -.-
I let them voice there grievances and try to comfort them then escape.


If you don't feel any kind of empathy at all, do you take the role of passive observer?
Yea i guess you could say passive observer. Usually quite silent with nods and hums. Fairly silent except for the ocassional predictable common responses when comforting someone.

Do you try to give the appearance of wanting to be involved or avoid the situation?
I try to avoid it. Although tend to get stuck with being that silent mirror. Even though i desperately want to escape. Social anxiety. And people having a breakdown looking to unload all their powerful emotions isn't good for me i hate it. Online it's different. IRL is a beast that demands your attention NOW and that you have the right responses and demeanor NOW. No time to think just drop what you're doing and be a sponge.

Intellectually speaking i am a moral man. I know the difference between right and wrong. And i actively try to do the right thing. But when others are going through powerful emotions irl... in my heart, i don't care. Can't feel that bond in chest. That anger they feel or that sadness they feel.. But in my mind i do care. If that makes sense. This area is not my forte... and i won't be going into details of the past. Sensitive area. just take my word that it's from a co-morbid.

I don't even know if i answered correctly as i had 1 person in mind when thinking about social situations and empathy.

 

[Autistamatic]

Thanks for the reply @Hdphn33 I appreciate you taking the time. It's clear from what you say that whilst you may be numb to traditional ideas of empathy, you're still a caring and emotional person. The key subject of this third video is the feelings we experience as a result of others demonstrating strong emotions around us. You illustrate that even if someone really lacks any relateable sense of empathy, it doesn't have to be associated with a lack of emotional capacity or an uncaring attitude as the stereotype would have us believe.

Usually quite silent with nods and hums. Fairly silent except for the ocassional predictable common responses when comforting someone.

You may not communicate in a similar way to most neurotypical people when faced with someone in distress, but the fact that you are attempting to offer comfort, in spite of your social anxiety, shows that even without empathy you still know what's needed and try to provide it.
That was a really useful post, thank you for sharing

 

[Iamnotarabot]

'm still interested to hear your take on things though, if you're happy to share. What do you think and/or feel when you observe people going through powerful emotions?

You didnt ask directly to me but the quesiton is for everyone here I guess :

I have a funny example, I was in a vacation camp we were hiking and it was the end of the trip , we were at a hight point of the stromboli mountain were we could see the volcano , it was a small path.

And one of the teenagers suddenly had an anger outburst because one of the guide prevented him from smocking as it was forbidden during the trip.

The fight was intense and some people were scared , the guy needed 3 adults to be controled , I watched it unable to know how I felt, but shortly after I was laughing internally and well not just internally because It reminded me off the Last fight of revenge of the sith...xD

Another time I was working at a retierement home and a eldery woman passed that day, the nurse and all the staff was in stress and shortly after sad.
I couldnt stay near them because at this moment I had the same weird sensation of a sudden energy outburst in my body and I was feeling like I wanted to laught for no reason for 15min.

I guess this is not realy about empathy but how you react to stress, but that can make you look like a psychopath while I dont like it, I just can't control that reaction.

 

[Autistamatic]

Thanks for posting again @Iamnotarabot
You raise quite a good point that is well worth covering - inappropriate reactions, particularly laughter have long contributed to the impression of AS people being uncaring.
I'm sure many of us have tales of both being the only one who didn't get the joke as well as being the only one that found something funny.
I've certainly done both many a time
I remember seeing a chap getting really angry at the customer service desk in a supermarket - he was very tall, had a moustache and was wearing a tweed jacket. An image popped into my head of Basil Fawlty of Fawlty Towers and I laughed out loud, really giggling whilst looking at him - he turned round and started getting very aggressive with me! I managed to talk my way out of it, but it was a very awkward moment

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I, myself, am a very empathetic person!

 

[Highway Cowboy]

I'm often called uncaring and selfish as I don't or can't exhibit my feelings or emotions. People can be really upset and need a cuddle and reassurance but I have to just walk away because I don't know how to handle it and don't know how to react so I just read a magazine or walk away. My partner was recently really upset and in floods of tears when her mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack and she needed a hug and for me to be there for her but I just didn't know what to do or say. I find such situations very confusing and uncomfortable and I cannot process such feelings and emotions. It just doesn't compute in my head so I either walk away from it or say the wrong thing and make things worse.

I'm often called cold, heartless and uncaring.

 

[Thinx]

I'm often called uncaring and selfish as I don't or can't exhibit my feelings or emotions. People can be really upset and need a cuddle and reassurance but I have to just walk away because I don't know how to handle it and don't know how to react so I just read a magazine or walk away. My partner was recently really upset and in floods of tears when her mum was rushed to hospital with a heart attack and she needed a hug and for me to be there for her but I just didn't know what to do or say. I find such situations very confusing and uncomfortable and I cannot process such feelings and emotions. It just doesn't compute in my head so I either walk away from it or say the wrong thing and make things worse.

I'm often called cold, heartless and uncaring.

I think you are saying you didn't know what to do at the time, or couldn't do it? As you are also saying you know she needed a hug and reassurance? It sounds like you get overwhelmed and freeze, or can't take action? I expect you may have discussed this with your partner, and it seems positive that she still is your partner... Could you plan a strategy together, for such times?

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

I feel the emotions of others quite poignantly, and they stay with me, for hours, after I've felt them.

However, I only somewhat show that I feel them. I can definitely listen nonjudgmentally, and can console rather well, through being an ally. I excel at seeing the beauty, in others, and can bring unconditional support, for someone who's grieving.

Transcending mutism is key. Sometimes, the sadness of others saddens me so much that it freezes me.