@tripleU,
I would like to tell you my experience with masking.
As a child growing up, I quickly learned that my autistic traits were not accepted by those around me and I was horribly confusing to them. Many of us are intelligent and observant young people and we can understand that we do not fit in the world like others seem to. I learned to hide everything about me, pretending it was always okay just to keep people away, and to keep people quiet.
I was never allowed to learn about autism because when I was young, much like some of the people that you have talked about in your life, people did not believe that young girls such as myself could ever have anything such as autism.
Masking my autism and learning how to hide everything I was and put on a brave face so that people would leave me alone led me to a very sad life full of drugs, alcohol, and feeling suicidal. It took me over 40 years to learn that being who I am is okay and to learn everything about myself so that I can understand myself and protect myself from anyone around me that would ridicule me or make me feel badly about who I am.
The problem with learning to mask as a young child is that you never get a chance to learn who you are. I’m not calling you a young child, by the way. Clearly that was a long time ago for you. If you read through the forums, you will learn that many of us have masked either in our past or are present.
First, we must know who we are and we must be able to differentiate what is real and what is a mask. Sometimes in life people here have found a mask useful, to get out of certain situations, to perform well at work, or to meet other important social expectations.
The essential piece of the puzzle is that we must have places, spaces, and people with whom we can simply be ourselves and there is no pretending. Pretending is not putting on an act or a play. It is denying what we are and failing to learn who we really are. If we mask too heavily, it can lead to a lifetime of confusion that takes a very long time to undo.
With the Internet available to you, I hope for you to find connections, mentors, friends, and acquaintances who will accept you for exactly as you are. Even if you are struggling. Even if you are furious. Even if you are confused and feeling lost and alone. There will be people who understand you and you do not have to pretend around them. I hope you can find people who are close to you that may be able to do this one day.
There are multiple ways to talk about autism without necessarily always calling it autism. Sometimes simply talking about how you feel and the impact that your autism has on you can bring greater understanding to people than saying “I am autistic.” Communicating your feelings to the world in writing, and conversation, or through art and music is very important.
