Ex wife of asd partner

[Emg1404]

https://www.aane.org/resources/adul...-couples-partners/#online-discussion-forum-sp

Ex-Partners of Autistic Adults Discussion Forum​

This group serves those who are divorced or separated from an autistic adult. Here you will have the opportunity to offer and receive support, to strategize, and to share experiences with others who might relate to your situation. Grace Myhill, MSW, is the group moderator. Grace is a neurodiverse couples coach. She has facilitated Spouse/Partner Groups for AANE since 2004 and has coached many neurodiverse couples. To Join: Scroll down and complete the sign-up form.


Try this group.

I am not saying you wont find what you are looking for here, but this place came to my mind.

Wishing you well in looking for a group that works for you

Thank you so much

 

[AspieChris]

Often with men on the spectrum, what looks like abuse is something that actually starts with fear and confusion, but then builds into frustration and anger. Your ex husband sounds a LOT like my older brother. He’s not an abuser, but the people who love him get hurt because he gets frustrated and lashes out.

What I can say works 95% of the time with men (even us on the spectrum) is this: Start any uncomfortable situation by asking him for help. It puts us in a place of trying to be a man instead of being a problem. You don’t need to misrepresent the problem. Just ask for help with the problem instead of starting by expecting him to solve it. It doesn’t matter if he got drunk and wrecked the car or if you’re trying to get him to go to therapy. You don’t need to “trick” him. Just find a way to make him feel like he’s solving a problem for you.

It’s juvenile, I know. But it usually actually works.

 

[Emg1404]

Often with men on the spectrum, what looks like abuse is something that actually starts with fear and confusion, but then builds into frustration and anger. Your ex husband sounds a LOT like my older brother. He’s not an abuser, but the people who love him get hurt because he gets frustrated and lashes out.

What I can say works 95% of the time with men (even us on the spectrum) is this: Start any uncomfortable situation by asking him for help. It puts us in a place of trying to be a man instead of being a problem. You don’t need to misrepresent the problem. Just ask for help with the problem instead of starting by expecting him to solve it. It doesn’t matter if he got drunk and wrecked the car or if you’re trying to get him to go to therapy. You don’t need to “trick” him. Just find a way to make him feel like he’s solving a problem for you.

It’s juvenile, I know. But it usually actually works.

Thank you.

I’ll illustrate the main points that I would consider abuse

1. He had erectile dysfunction -he had never had sex before he met me.
We saw a sexual psychotherapist in the first year , this produced some success but life became busy .
I asked him to go to see a doctor every 6 months for 8 years -he wouldn’t go for and for maybe 3 years although I said I would support him and we would approach this as a couple -finally he went once and refused viagra .
I gave up and stopped asking, I had a sexless marriage for 10 years.

2. He is an electrical engineer with a 6 figure salary and no debt , no mortgage at all . After I had our daughter he started to monitor what I was spending as I was on maternity leave and not bringing money in . I was given an allowance and was asked to account for expenditure monthly

3. After we had our daughter I suffered pnd -he was not willing to spend an extra £50 weekly so that she could go to nursery . I explained I was in inner torment and I was afraid of the effect I might have on her-he only saw the financial consequences

4. He made all the financial decisions when I was bringing in no money -he decided to pay off the mortgage and argued there was no more money for essential furniture

5. I had to monitor putting heating on and off

6. He seemed to have no comprehension of giving support or boosting me with a “well done “ . I asked him to give me a level of basic reciprocity and he said no because he didn’t need this

7. I started to do an exec mba- I was struggling to pay my quota of household expenses because I could only work full time . He told me my degree was a vanity project -I was so crushed in financial terms and my morale that I left half way through . I was broken by him at that point

8. Our daughter was and is the apple of his eye he showered her with affection when she was small -I think because she was uncomplicated.
I was happy about their bond but I knew I was too complicated and challenging for him so I received (nor gave) any affection

9. I left him when he refused to teach our daughter to ride a bike or send her to school skiing lessons (because he didn’t like skiing) . This has proved to disadvantage our daughter hugely socially and I saw it as abuse.

10. He will not cooperate with me in coparenting -he refuses to accept her autism diagnosis

There’s worse , I could go on


He can mask when the chips are down - our daughter confronted him with how his anger made her feel -he was visibly shaken and has not raised his voice to her in 2 years

 

[Emg1404]

@Emg1404

Collectively. we have more experience with ASD's, and with ASD's ex's and their motivations than you do.

Abuse is a (very) strong word in 2023. Please don't use it without explaining the background and the specific actions you feel are abusive.

FYI: Aspies are, on aggregate, less inclined to genuine abuse than NT's.
There are a few "bad apples" of course, but we lean towards being avoidant rather than aggressive or manipulative.

 

[Emg1404]

@Emg1404

Collectively. we have more experience with ASD's, and with ASD's ex's and their motivations than you do.

Abuse is a (very) strong word in 2023. Please don't use it without explaining the background and the specific actions you feel are abusive.

FYI: Aspies are, on aggregate, less inclined to genuine abuse than NT's.
There are a few "bad apples" of course, but we lean towards being avoidant rather than aggressive or manipulative.

I agree but avoidant can be just as destructive . You are still choosing to do something that I would argue benefits the chooser and if this is repeated over years

The old adage -doing nothing is still doing something

 

[Emg1404]

I agree but avoidant can be just as destructive . You are still choosing to do something that I would argue benefits the chooser and if this is repeated over years

The old adage -doing nothing is still doing something

If an Aspie is told they are hurting someone’s feelings what is an acceptable length of time to be patient ?

 

[Rodafina]

If an Aspie is told they are hurting someone’s feelings what is an acceptable length of time to be patient ?

If a neurotypical person is told they are hurting someone’s feelings what is an acceptable length of time to be patient in your view?

 

[Emg1404]

It will differ depending on the relationship, the persons moral code , their mental health, their ability to understand the hurt and take responsibility for it and how much they care .

I pretty much try to reverse a hurt I’ve caused immediately if possible

 

[Emg1404]

What’s your answer to my question?

 

[Rodafina]

It will differ depending on the relationship, the persons moral code , their mental health, their ability to understand the hurt and take responsibility for it and how much they care .

I pretty much try to reverse a hurt I’ve caused immediately if possible

So, same goes for someone with autism.

 

[Boogs]

Thank you- I will immerse myself in the POVs here to gain more perspectives and yes it is so important to state that a ND diagnosis is not the only variable that influences someones’ behaviour.

In truth, I’m questioning my ex husbands behaviour after 11 years of marriage and coparenting for 4 after our separation. I’ve possibly not been strong enough to face the reality of him being abusive to me and to the family.
As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her.

To provide context -she mainly lives in his house which was the family home - she likes the predictability of the routine he provides and the familiarity of her bedroom . She’s 14 and was diagnosed ASD last year.

I left the marriage with the intention of protecting her from his behaviours that I found abusive. He would not leave the home so I bought a place 2 mins away from him so that our daughter would have both parents .

NB he loves her very much and manages his behaviours around her , I think he fears losing her

Hi and welcome from a very recent member, who has little more knowledge about NT people, despite finding myself in the category after a long life of being unware of what I was, only the effects of it were apparent.

First off, I think just coming here with the attitude you've shown, is a huge step towards resolving things through better understanding, and shows an open mind and sympathetic outlook to me. Welcome mistakes as they are a way to learn more (and sorry, I do long posts!).

All these interactions between family and loved one's are very complex, and greatly nuanced and 'fertilised' in a bed of subtext, most of which is assumed to be common, but rarely is in truth. From my experience, the moment I, or someone else, decides they know something with certainty about what someone else means by their actions and words, we've missed something, possibly a lot. I'm talking about people, not types of people. When you add the different modes of thinking (and much more), this only makes a difficult thing harder to understand with any degree of confidence.

I would imagine from what you've said, you're daughter is the most important part of this for both of you?
I'm not claiming to be an expert at all, though I do have an adult daughter, diagnosed ADHD, but that gives me little insight to your situation.

But reading your comment:
"As a first line of defence I’m trying to establish abuse towards me to then reverse engineer what effect this may have had on her so I know how to protect her."

I'm not sure this would be a productive way forward, in my own opinion only, of course.
My reason is that to try and reverse engineer something that's so complex and full of unknowns, it seems it would be unlikely to result in an accurate conclusion that would help, and if you could manage that, it would take a very long time to do so, and also involve a lot of positive input from your ex. A lot of unknowns at best, to my view.

Maybe another possible way to approach (and of course you know the circumstance, not I!) would be from a more reactive position to start with - how is your daughter? What does she feel about this? What does she want? etc.
All difficult questions, and I don't have the experience or knowledge to tell you how myself. But it seems to me, the one known, the thing that need not be guessed at, is you daughter, how she is, what she wants, and hardest of, what she needs? But whatever, it all comes from her, it's finding a way to make her able to put that across without pressures of guilt and her place between you and your ex's division, and even how she really views that change?
I'm an amateur idiot (well, as an idiot, I'm very pro!), so don't take any of that as gospel, but maybe more as food for thought, even if it doesn't make any connection in the end?
Good luck with your search.

 

[Emg1404]

So across all people if wrongs aren’t righted there’s a problem

And

If the wronged person chooses to stay with someone who persistently refuses to remove that hurt then there’s a possible abuse dynamic evolving

Then we get into why partners stay in these situations

 

[Boogs]

Quite right! the difficult bit can be assessing those wrongs and rights, whom they effect and how and why. And what one see's as a wrong, can be see as a right from another view. No comment on your position, but more a comment on how there is rarely if ever a single correct answer to something, from everyone's perspective.
(Obviously outright criminal abuse is usually a different matter, but again, where is the line drawn, and by whom, and for who's benefit?).
In the end everything is relative to some degree. So trying to be as non-judgemental as possible (not an easy thing in matters of such importance) will in the end, give the most open and informative view to make a decision from.

 

[Boogs]

Thank you.

I’ll illustrate the main points that I would consider abuse

1. He had erectile dysfunction -he had never had sex before he met me.
We saw a sexual psychotherapist in the first year , this produced some success but life became busy .
I asked him to go to see a doctor every 6 months for 8 years -he wouldn’t go for and for maybe 3 years although I said I would support him and we would approach this as a couple -finally he went once and refused viagra .
I gave up and stopped asking, I had a sexless marriage for 10 years.

2. He is an electrical engineer with a 6 figure salary and no debt , no mortgage at all . After I had our daughter he started to monitor what I was spending as I was on maternity leave and not bringing money in . I was given an allowance and was asked to account for expenditure monthly

3. After we had our daughter I suffered pnd -he was not willing to spend an extra £50 weekly so that she could go to nursery . I explained I was in inner torment and I was afraid of the effect I might have on her-he only saw the financial consequences

4. He made all the financial decisions when I was bringing in no money -he decided to pay off the mortgage and argued there was no more money for essential furniture

5. I had to monitor putting heating on and off

6. He seemed to have no comprehension of giving support or boosting me with a “well done “ . I asked him to give me a level of basic reciprocity and he said no because he didn’t need this

7. I started to do an exec mba- I was struggling to pay my quota of household expenses because I could only work full time . He told me my degree was a vanity project -I was so crushed in financial terms and my morale that I left half way through . I was broken by him at that point

8. Our daughter was and is the apple of his eye he showered her with affection when she was small -I think because she was uncomplicated.
I was happy about their bond but I knew I was too complicated and challenging for him so I received (nor gave) any affection

9. I left him when he refused to teach our daughter to ride a bike or send her to school skiing lessons (because he didn’t like skiing) . This has proved to disadvantage our daughter hugely socially and I saw it as abuse.

10. He will not cooperate with me in coparenting -he refuses to accept her autism diagnosis

There’s worse , I could go on


He can mask when the chips are down - our daughter confronted him with how his anger made her feel -he was visibly shaken and has not raised his voice to her in 2 years

Abuse is a difficult thing to fully appraise, and can often start with little things, often insignificant, but in them the seeds of a problem between people. These things when not addressed, often through a lack of awareness on both sides, will tend to get worse rather than better. they can often reflect aspects of a relationship that hang over from the beginning, and while invariable of partner will allow this to go to becme them abusing their partner, they often are unaware of it, or suppress their awareness as they have no other way out, so have to continue being abusive.

But also, it is a very unusual relationship where both partners don't have a part in the dynamics that lead to unacceptable levels of abuse. What you may see as his failing in your first point about sexual performance, an issue of enormous sensitivity for many people, and one they are unable to express with ease, if at all. And stuck in this position, they can see their partners unhappiness with the situation as a direct attack on them, in one of their most sensitive spots. If this is the situation, can you understand that you are almost certainly playing a part in it, whether unwittingly, and unmeaning to?

To go through each point would probably seem like an attack against you, which is absolutely not what I intend. So I won't, and to be frank, I think there's more underlying the actual points themselves (or at least some) that could point better to where you both started to fall apart? Sadly I don't have the experience or knowledge to know, I may be quite wrong about what I've written, but I wonder if you've considered any of those thoughts?

 

[AspieChris]

Thank you.

I’ll illustrate the main points that I would consider abuse

1. He had erectile dysfunction -he had never had sex before he met me.
We saw a sexual psychotherapist in the first year , this produced some success but life became busy .
I asked him to go to see a doctor every 6 months for 8 years -he wouldn’t go for and for maybe 3 years although I said I would support him and we would approach this as a couple -finally he went once and refused viagra .
I gave up and stopped asking, I had a sexless marriage for 10 years.

2. He is an electrical engineer with a 6 figure salary and no debt , no mortgage at all . After I had our daughter he started to monitor what I was spending as I was on maternity leave and not bringing money in . I was given an allowance and was asked to account for expenditure monthly

3. After we had our daughter I suffered pnd -he was not willing to spend an extra £50 weekly so that she could go to nursery . I explained I was in inner torment and I was afraid of the effect I might have on her-he only saw the financial consequences

4. He made all the financial decisions when I was bringing in no money -he decided to pay off the mortgage and argued there was no more money for essential furniture

5. I had to monitor putting heating on and off

6. He seemed to have no comprehension of giving support or boosting me with a “well done “ . I asked him to give me a level of basic reciprocity and he said no because he didn’t need this

7. I started to do an exec mba- I was struggling to pay my quota of household expenses because I could only work full time . He told me my degree was a vanity project -I was so crushed in financial terms and my morale that I left half way through . I was broken by him at that point

8. Our daughter was and is the apple of his eye he showered her with affection when she was small -I think because she was uncomplicated.
I was happy about their bond but I knew I was too complicated and challenging for him so I received (nor gave) any affection

9. I left him when he refused to teach our daughter to ride a bike or send her to school skiing lessons (because he didn’t like skiing) . This has proved to disadvantage our daughter hugely socially and I saw it as abuse.

10. He will not cooperate with me in coparenting -he refuses to accept her autism diagnosis

There’s worse , I could go on


He can mask when the chips are down - our daughter confronted him with how his anger made her feel -he was visibly shaken and has not raised his voice to her in 2 years

Holy crap…. I can say with confidence that I think you stayed with him about 9 years and 364 days too long.

It’s very possible that he’s not only on the spectrum, but there’s something else going on. Anyone who is that controlling is not only abusive, but dangerous. I was wrong about what I said regarding asking him for help. You might need a therapist on your own.

There are plenty of sociopaths who explain away their bad behavior by blaming it on their ASD.

 

[Emg1404]

Quite right! the difficult bit can be assessing those wrongs and rights, whom they effect and how and why. And what one see's as a wrong, can be see as a right from another view. No comment on your position, but more a comment on how there is rarely if ever a single correct answer to something, from everyone's perspective.
(Obviously outright criminal abuse is usually a different matter, but again, where is the line drawn, and by whom, and for who's benefit?).
In the end everything is relative to some degree. So trying to be as non-judgemental as possible (not an easy thing in matters of such importance) will in the end, give the most open and informative view to make a decision from.

 

[AspieChris]

If an Aspie is told they are hurting someone’s feelings what is an acceptable length of time to be patient ?

10 minutes. Not 10 years.

 

[Aspychata]

Sadly, many people stay too long in destructive relationships, especially woman who tend to be economically disadvantaged if they haven't stayed active in their careers. So then there becomes cycles of abuse, and sadly emeshment of family dynamics, which then translates to one spouse feeling as if they are suffocating because the other spouse or partner refuses to change.

 

[Emg1404]

Yes , I guess everyone has deal breakers and non negotiables

But I do believe in global truths around good, bad etc

So this is one reason we have laws to benchmark right/wrong behaviour to protect vulnerable people etc.

By my reckoning my ex broke some civil laws.

Btw -I know that he’d find my reactive shouting abusive

 

[Boogs]

Btw -I know that he’d find my reactive shouting abusive

But would reactive shouting lead to a better outcome for you then?

By the way, in comment above, I'm not trying to dismiss any abuse against you whatsoever! It's totally unacceptable without exception, whatever the situation.
But understanding what lead to it, empowers you more, and may help avoid future situations of potential abuse.