Eye-contact

[Annanda]

“And now I know it is perfectly natural for me not to look at someone when I talk. Those of us with Asperger’s are just not comfortable doing it. In fact, I don’t really understand why it’s considered normal to stare at someone’s eyeballs,” John Elder Robison

What do you think about this quote?

 

[Bolletje]

Eye contact doesn't necessarily make me uncomfortable.

 

[Judge]

I suspect such a quote speaks for many of us here. In my own case I was able to overcome it as a child, though prolonged eye-to-eye contact still weirds me out some.

I just consider it another form of masking autistic traits and behaviors to accommodate the NT world when it's truly necessary.

 

[Pats]

When I was young in speech therapy, the instructor also worked on my eye contact. Part of it having staring contests with my brother and, due to my stubbornness, would win every time. The problem with this is that I end up making other's uncomfortable because they probably feel like I'm staring them down. Not sure about this, but find that often people end up turning away. And the closer I try to listen to what they are saying, the stronger I stare. Before that, though, I've looked at childhood photos and looking up or to the side in all of them. I can remember my mom saying to look at her so I would turn my face to the camera, but eyes looking somewhere else. So I went from one extreme to the other, I guess. So I probably wouldn't advise staring contests to learn the technique of looking into people's eyes.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

yeah, staring into someone's eyes for me is like staring into the sun.

 

[Fino]

I have to be aware of it to do it, otherwise I'll realize that I didn't do it, which typically only happens with strangers!

 

[Erik Bennet]

i cant make eye contact with people and i have only been able to make eye contact with one person and it was a close friend of mine at school

 

[Major Tom]

I tend to be the opposite and overdo eye contact. My wife calls me "creepy" for it. I can't help it, but I'm trying to find a happy medium.

 

[Erik Bennet]

I tend to be the opposite and overdo eye contact. My wife calls me "creepy" for it. I can't help it, but I'm trying to find a happy medium.

i have seen if people look at a dogs eyes for too long the dog will start to feel like it had done something wrong and make crying noises it does not like it and a cat if you get too close in the cats face and look in its eyes then it feels fear and to me looking ppl in the eyes is like how those animals feel it is very uncomfortable and threatening

 

[LunaAurum]

It always felt unnatural to me to make eye contact, for more than very brief glances. I take in tons of information from my peripheral vision and other senses so I never needed to stare at people to read their demeanour well or understand them.

However it's been drilled so often into me that it's 'rude' to not make eye contact that I tend to force it, especially in settings where I feel I must make sure to appear 'properly social' (like interviews and professional settings or with people who don't know me well).

The annoying part is that while I make myself look them in the eyes to reassure them I am paying attention, I am paying less attention since my brain is thinking 'alright look at the eyes, look at the eyes, look at the eyes, wait if i look at their eyebrows can they tell... oh god wait what did they just say??'

 

[Thinx]

I can do eye contact but I prefer when I can to keep it minimal. I tend to experience it as intrusive, as if the eyes are the window to the soul I guess. So I don't want to intrude or be intruded on.

 

[Pats]

It always felt unnatural to me to make eye contact, for more than very brief glances. I take in tons of information from my peripheral vision and other senses so I never needed to stare at people to read their demeanour well or understand them.

However it's been drilled so often into me that it's 'rude' to not make eye contact that I tend to force it, especially in settings where I feel I must make sure to appear 'properly social' (like interviews and professional settings or with people who don't know me well).

The annoying part is that while I make myself look them in the eyes to reassure them I am paying attention, I am paying less attention since my brain is thinking 'alright look at the eyes, look at the eyes, look at the eyes, wait if i look at their eyebrows can they tell... oh god wait what did they just say??'

And you also get to the point of trying to decide which eye to look at and are you looking into the correct eye, should you switch, so you switch, then think that might be weird for them so you switch back and start switching back and forth. It's at that moment I have to look away, if they haven't already looked away from me.

 

[SusanLR]

No one ever told me about making eye contact.
I just didn't feel comfortable with it and naturally looked away when talking with someone.
But, then I've led an isolated life with few people I was close to.
The first time it was mentioned to me was when I had a social worker coming once a week to the house
for grief counseling.
I guess she knew a lot about Asperger's since she was the one who suggested being evaluated.

Although she was supposedly there for grief counseling, looking back, I now see she asked a lot of things
related to Asperger's and I didn't know it because I knew nothing about it at that time.
She would sneak questions in our convos like if I had friends growing up.
Wanted to see my room and remarked on a collection of necklaces I had in order and my rock collection.
Said my bed was so soft looking with plush blankets and pillows.
Wanted to know if I was particular about how clothes and materials felt to me.
Started to leave one day and wanted to give me a hug. I kinda hesitated and she asked if I were a
hugger. I said No. But forced myself to give her one anyway.
Finally one day we were sitting by the pool talking. I was looking at the water as I talked.
She said to look at her, not the pool. I tried and was asked if it were uncomfortable to look at her
while I talked.
She asked me to try looking into her eyes as I talked. My mind starts going blank on what I want
to say if I have to try.
If I force it, I can, but, then it becomes more of a stare. And I can see the other getting uncomfortable.

After being diagnosed, yep, now I know why.

 

[Suzanne]

I disagree with that statement and that is from one who has struggled with eye contact for years!

I do see the importance of it, because it denotes interest. But it does not take away that fact that it can be horribly uncomfortable at times!

I have my good and bad days with eye contact now.

 

[Progster]

Eye contact is uncomfortable and I can't keep it for long, I tend to look at the person, then look away again, but one is supposed to maintain it for about 3 seconds. That seems like a very long time to me. Unfortunately, if you don't make eye contact, the other person might think that you are either being evasive/dishonest, or not listening to them, so it's better to try and give some eye contact.

 

[Graphin]

I can do eye contact. A deadly stare

 

[Bedlamite]

She asked me to try looking into her eyes as I talked. My mind starts going blank on what I want
to say if I have to try.

This is my dilemma when it comes to eye contact. Out of some sort of respect and to emphasize exactly what I am saying I try to make contact but always begin to lose track of what I am talking about. While the other person is speaking I have no trouble making contact. It is just when I am doing the speaking my mine will go blank and often times, if I try too hard to maintain contact, I will forget the point I was trying to emphasize.

 

[Graphin]

Some people are really obnoxiously demanding eye contact, especially with children

 

[Fino]

Eye contact is uncomfortable and I can't keep it for long, I tend to look at the person, then look away again, but one is supposed to maintain it for about 3 seconds. That seems like a very long time to me. Unfortunately, if you don't make eye contact, the other person might think that you are either being evasive/dishonest, or not listening to them, so it's better to try and give some eye contact.

Ahhh, thanks for saying this! Why did I never think to google it! I've always worried I made eye contact for too long, and now I know I have! Way too long!

 

[tducey]

I've always made a point of making eye contact. I hope it would make those I'm speaking to more comfortable.