For NT ladies (preferably with AS/ASD guy)

[Chance]

This is kind of a backwards experiment and it is never meant to be offensive in any way. I was convinced this might help so I am going to give it a try.

I'm usually very private but this place brings out the curious in me, and I need some help.
I'm sort of throwing in the problems I cause my NT wife who is beautiful and sexy and dominate, and very "forceful" (not really a good word) at times.

Feel free to go past the questions I am asking and explain anything you want.

How do NT ladies cope with ASD shutdowns?

I'm not a melt down guy but if you have some advice for others that is cool too...

Does your guy ever make you hate him? You can be honest...

Does anyone think ASD is not real? Just stubbornness maybe?

Do you think ASD people can change?

We can start there and if we derail... Its my thread and I don't get offended at all by it, because I tend to do that a lot myself.

 

[Keigan]

(Humor)

Reaching for popcorn

 

[Streetwise]

i wonder if an autism society forum or charity in the us has a heading carers you might find answers there
i post on a motor neurone disease forum under the carers heading there are carers on that one that post multiple times a week

This is kind of a backwards experiment and it is never meant to be offensive in any way. I was convinced this might help so I am going to give it a try.

I'm usually very private but this place brings out the curious in me, and I need some help.
I'm sort of throwing in the problems I cause my NT wife who is beautiful and sexy and dominate, and very "forceful" (not really a good word) at times.

Feel free to go past the questions I am asking and explain anything you want.

How do NT ladies cope with ASD shutdowns?

I'm not a melt down guy but if you have some advice for others that is cool too...

Does your guy ever make you hate him? You can be honest...

Does anyone think ASD is not real? Just stubbornness maybe?

Do you think ASD people can change?

We can start there and if we derail... Its my thread and I don't get offended at all by it, because I tend to do that a lot myself.

 

[Chance]

(Humor)

Reaching for popcorn

We can call in Dadw/2 and Fridge for entertainment... They talked me into this...
I think this may be a bad idea... Crickets chirping... or later an explosive rant...
I'm not sure I'm even comfortable with this at all... : )

 

[Streetwise]

no that wont happen, women dont like chauvinists and bigots that think women are property .
thats why i said an autism charity or societys forum as they maybe looking for answers and know others in the community.

We can call in Dadw/2 and Fridge for entertainment... They talked me into this...
I think this may be a bad idea... Crickets chirping... or later an explosive rant...
I'm not sure I'm even comfortable with this at all... : )

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

no that wont happen, women dont like chauvinists and bigots that think women are property .
thats why i said an autism charity or societys forum as they maybe looking for answers and know others in the community.

Who are you referring to Streetwise? I am really starting to find your posts a bit annoying, presumptuous, rude, and inflammatory. And I am rarely offended by things. Maybe you are having a bad day again, but save your critiques for yourself.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

We can call in Dadw/2 and Fridge for entertainment... They talked me into this...
I think this may be a bad idea... Crickets chirping... or later an explosive rant...
I'm not sure I'm even comfortable with this at all... : )

You worded things nicely Chance. Usually less persons reply on Sundays. If you are uncomfortable, no need to pursue it. Do what is best for you. You addressed it to NT women, and preferably with ASD partners, so maybe they will reply as some are here. You worded things your way, and that was good.

We can always watch football soon.

 

[onlything]

*looks between @Dadwith2Autisticsons and @Streetwise completely lost* Huh?

This is kind of a backwards experiment and it is never meant to be offensive in any way. I was convinced this might help so I am going to give it a try.

I'm usually very private but this place brings out the curious in me, and I need some help.
I'm sort of throwing in the problems I cause my NT wife who is beautiful and sexy and dominate, and very "forceful" (not really a good word) at times.

Feel free to go past the questions I am asking and explain anything you want.

How do NT ladies cope with ASD shutdowns?

I'm not a melt down guy but if you have some advice for others that is cool too...

Does your guy ever make you hate him? You can be honest...

Does anyone think ASD is not real? Just stubbornness maybe?

Do you think ASD people can change?

We can start there and if we derail... Its my thread and I don't get offended at all by it, because I tend to do that a lot myself.

Chance, if it's okay with you, maybe you could put some examples of moments when you can't understand each other? I think it may be easier to answer by NT ladies. Only if it's okay, I know these things are hard and completely private.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My wife openly states pretty often that she hates me, but she never once has made an effort to leave...
I have even told her (kindly) that I understand if she needs to go and find someone better she just storms off screaming that all I have to do is change and she will be fine... There is no logic in that, nothing adds up. So I'm just seeing this twisted picture that she either likes being angry and controlling, or she just wants a free ride in a comfortable setting where she knows if she screams at me enough, I will give in.

The other one was when she was inviting you to look thru magazines 20 mins later.

Specific stuff, which i tend to get wrong. Emltional syatements which i tend to take literally and give myself all kinds of angst over.
It may help to give you a better understanding, to decide if it is all worth it.

 

[Chance]

*looks between @Dadwith2Autisticsons and @Streetwise completely lost* Huh?



Chance, if it's okay with you, maybe you could put some examples of moments when you can't understand each other? I think it may be easier to answer by NT ladies. Only if it's okay, I know these things are hard and completely private.

Okay lets do a simple thing that just happened a couple hours ago... Its no huge deal, I just don't understand it.

Wife: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: I want waffles! : ) (we found the GF frozen waffles that are excellent)
Wife: Waffles? (in a very abrupt voice)
Wife? I don't want waffles
Me: What do you want?
Wife: Anything but waffles...
Me: Eggs?
Wife: Did I say I wanted eggs, very rudely?

What did I do wrong? This was our first conversation of the day, and probably our last. She's pissed and I don't know why, or what to do?

I had waffles and walked out. Now she is in there slamming dishes around cleaning up after some people who were here last night that she invited over. Griping that she shouldn't have to do all the cleaning...
She doesn't... She probably doesn't even do half. I help clean all the time, plus I take care of property and vehicles and work and pay every bill and do most the grocery shopping...

However, I don't think it is my problem to clean up her friends who didn't even acknowledge me in my own house... I feel like a leper in my own home. I have been staying at our real house but its a nightmare under full remodel... This house I am in now is my rent house, but we are in it while we repair our real house that got water damage and it developed black mold all in it. Insurance did not pay this claim by the way - tricky devils and the fine print. See I just derailed and I caught myself... geez.

It's a nightmare but I'm heading back there because she is seeming to make it seem I am not welcome here.
Maybe a little helpful, and then again I may be hanging myself here...

I got lots of stuff but I'm not going to go very deep right now... I feel a little odd to be doing this... I can crash it in a buried reply on a post, but man to stick my neck out and kind of spill my guts on a dedicated post... Not real fun.

 

[Streetwise]

she sounds like a spoiled child who was never given any boundaries
i dont know if thats narcissism?she seems to be conversing with you like a child thats thinks its been punished unjustly but i dont know her background .

Okay lets do a simple thing that just happened a couple hours ago... Its no huge deal, I just don't understand it.

Wife: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: I want waffles! : ) (we found the GF frozen waffles that are excellent)
Wife: Waffles? (in a very abrupt voice)
Wife? I don't want waffles
Me: What do you want?
Wife: Anything but waffles...
Me: Eggs?
Wife: Did I say I wanted eggs, very rudely?

What did I do wrong? This was our first conversation of the day, and probably our last. She's pissed and I don't know why, or what to do?

I had waffles and walked out. Now she is in there slamming dishes around cleaning up after some people who were here last night that she invited over. Griping that she shouldn't have to do all the cleaning...
She doesn't... She probably doesn't even do half. I help clean all the time, plus I take care of property and vehicles and work and pay every bill and do most the grocery shopping...

However, I don't think it is my problem to clean up her friends who didn't even acknowledge me in my own house... I feel like a leper in my own home. I have been staying at our real house but its a nightmare under full remodel... This house I am in now is my rent house, but we are in it while we repair our real house that got water damage and it developed black mold all in it. Insurance did not pay this claim by the way - tricky devils and the fine print. See I just derailed and I caught myself... geez.

It's a nightmare but I'm heading back there because she is seeming to make it seem I am not welcome here.
Maybe a little helpful, and then again I may be hanging myself here...

I got lots of stuff but I'm not going to go very deep right now... I feel a little odd to be doing this... I can crash it in a buried reply on a post, but man to stick my neck out and kind of spill my guts on a dedicated post... Not real fun.

 

[Chance]

We were at a very loud event last night and I was wanting to leave. She and some others got angry with me for my wanting to leave before the event was over. I wasn't asking anyone else to leave with me. Later my wife blew into me and basically wished me the hell out of her life. A short time later she is wanting me to look at remodel pics of a friends house. Why I don't know... But if I was guessing she wants more because she always wants more and is never happy with anything for very long, nor will she take care of it once she gets whatever it is that she wants.

 

[Chance]

she sounds like a spoiled child who was never given any boundaries
i dont know if thats narcissism?she seems to be conversing with you like a child thats thinks its been punished unjustly but i dont know her background .

She is an identical twin born to very past middle aged parents... They weren't planned, they just happened.
They were/are still very coddled. I am expected to also do this.

I was never coddled. I don't even know how. Also SPD and the touch issues make me a mess at most normal things... I get that, but she has known I was like this since way before we ever got married. ???

Now I suck, at being a husband, so I'm told...

 

[Streetwise]

We were at a very loud event last night and I was wanting to leave. She and some others got angry with me for my wanting to leave before the event was over. I wasn't asking anyone else to leave with me. Later my wife blew into me and basically wished me the hell out of her life. A short time later she is wanting me to look at remodel pics of a friends house. Why I don't know... But if I was guessing she wants more because she always wants more and is never happy with anything for very long, nor will she take care of it once she gets whatever it is that she wants.

i dont know for certain but it struck home that she may have been rejected by someone and almost self medicates by spending money .

 

[onlything]

@Chance , I have literally no idea what could be in her head but it doesn't sound like someone I'd like to spend time with. Honestly.

There may be that there were some unresolved things between you in the past and with time she just started being annoyed with everything you do. This is what happened once between me and my NT friend. Another burnt bridge today.

Sometimes NTs just look at you and expect you to know what they want. Maybe she send some nonverbal signals to you that she wanted you to make that breakfast for her, that she was tired after the night with friends and she got angry when you didn't do what she expected(because, really, you don't read her mind duh).

What I see here for sure is that she either doesn't understand you or doesn't want to. Do you know when it started to be like that? Was there an exact day that she changed or was it gradual?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Chance, I have no way of knowing if she has a condition or not, but if she has been consistently acting that way often, and for very long duration, and as you mentioned her parents were lenient and enablers, of course that often causes some self-centered or spoiled personality in the child. I would look at the two links below, as those three conditions mentioned there stick out to me for that type of personality. My best guess is one of those three. I highly doubt she would agree to get evaluated, as she thinks you are the only problem. That is part of her likely messed up mind.


5 Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person

The Differences Between Abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

 

[Mary Terry]

This is kind of a backwards experiment and it is never meant to be offensive in any way. I was convinced this might help so I am going to give it a try.

I'm usually very private but this place brings out the curious in me, and I need some help.
I'm sort of throwing in the problems I cause my NT wife who is beautiful and sexy and dominate, and very "forceful" (not really a good word) at times.

Feel free to go past the questions I am asking and explain anything you want.

How do NT ladies cope with ASD shutdowns?

I'm not a melt down guy but if you have some advice for others that is cool too...

Does your guy ever make you hate him? You can be honest...

Does anyone think ASD is not real? Just stubbornness maybe?

Do you think ASD people can change?

We can start there and if we derail... Its my thread and I don't get offended at all by it, because I tend to do that a lot myself.

 

[Chance]

Chance, I have no way of knowing if she has a condition or not, but if she has been consistently acting that way often, and for very long duration, and as you mentioned her parents were lenient and enablers, of course that often causes some self-centered or spoiled personality in the child. I would look at the two links below, as those three conditions mentioned there stick out to me for that type of personality. My best guess is one of those three. I highly doubt she would agree to get evaluated, as she thinks you are the only problem. That is part of her likely messed up mind.


5 Signs That You're Dealing With a Passive-Aggressive Person

The Differences Between Abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Borderline Personality Disorder | Psych Central

Thank you... no she won't get counceling. She says I'm the only one needing a "shrink." I do have a counselor and we talk every Wednesday.

My problem is I'm stuck. He is telling me I truly need to move on, but states he is very against divorce... That conflicts and makes no logic in my head.

Plus I know how it hurts to feel unwanted and even abandoned so I just don't want to pass that on, or maybe worse I fear the guilt that might replace any freedom I seek.

I have never left anyone, they leave me, which is what I wish she would do, but I swear at times I think she loves this chaos and turmoil.

 

[Judge]

I have never left anyone, they leave me, which is what I wish she would do, but I swear at times I think she loves this chaos and turmoil.

Or perhaps far more common to humans in general is that she is prepared to sacrifice happiness for security. I suspect there's a whole lot of marriages out there that linger for some time based on this premise.

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm NT. My husband is also NT, but I have an HFA sister-in-law who is also bi-polar, and her LFA son (my nephew). In addition to over 20 years of dealing with SIL and nephew, I have been tutoring autistic students for years to help them obtain GEDs (high school diploma equivalency here in the US).

While I am not in a marital relationship with an autistic, I occasionally deal with autistic shutdowns and meltdowns in other contexts. My response is to physically leave the premises and leave them alone until their storm passes. I doubt there is anything I can do to help them when they get to that stage.

I sometimes hate SIL because she is manipulative, an inveterate liar, and routinely defames our family and neighbors on Facebook. She is getting close to being sued for defamation by some of my nieces who have had a belly full of her. Her own autistic family refuses to have anything to do with her, leaving us NT in-laws to do virtually everything for her as her level of executive functioning is low. (I also think she is lazy, and, yes, I can tell the difference between the two). Other than her, I have never felt anything approaching hatred toward autistics.

Yes, ASD is real.

Yes, autistics can change, depending on what you're trying to change. That's almost too broadly worded for me to really respond to, other than to say that teaching autistics about mindblindness helps them understand that both other autistics and NTs have thoughts, feelings, too, which are equally valid, and which can lead to changes in how the autistic interacts with others.