For NT ladies (preferably with AS/ASD guy)

[OkRad]

It could be that she is having her own set of meltdowns and regrets about how her life has gone. If she lit into first thing in the morning, it sounds like she is living pissed off.

That does not make her a bad person. Many people might have a bad time in their lives when they appear bad. If she will not talk to you or see a therapist, there is no way to tell.

The trouble is that when the rift begins, people shut down. We all talk about communication but when you really do it, people get pissed off.

If I were married and my husband told me he was getting sick of me, I would really want to know why. Most people either attack ("You are always reading!!! You wont take out the trash!! You are mentally ill!!!) etc or the exact opposite: (No, it is just that, well, I don't know....Just give me space. We will talk later [i.e never])

When really, he might be thinking, "OMG. This is really a serious condition and I had no idea what I was getting into and now it's too late. I don't want to hurt her, but I will go crazy if I stay here.... " And I might be thinking, "I am such a fool to have believed this could work....."

In reality, if THAT CONVERSATION could be had, then help may (or may not) be got.

You can plan if you know the truth, but humans are terribly averse to the truth.

 

[Squished Crab]

Some enjoy belittling and bullying others. It is easier than looking inward, and assessing their own imperfections.

My heart goes out to you. Best wishes as you move forward!

 

[Flygirl]

Ok one last shot Keigan.
Left hand in small of her back, pull her towards you.., right thumb under her chin,.pull her towards you and kiss her deeply and with passion.
Make love to her like tomorrow is your last day on this planet.
Cuddle and hold her afterwards, and caress her...let me know if that's a fix...would be for me x

 

[the_tortoise]

My problem is I'm stuck. He is telling me I truly need to move on, but states he is very against divorce... That conflicts and makes no logic in my head.

First thing I need to retract a suggestion I made in a different thread of yours -- I suggested you get a better counsellor, but that is because I thought something your wife said was something your counsellor said (that you were messed up and needed counselling and she was fine). That done.....

I'd be confused, too.

Are you personally against divorce?

Maybe your counsellor is offering advice based on what he thinks your beliefs are, rather than based on his own beliefs -- or just taking his own personal feelings about divorce out of the picture. (If his feelings about divorce are based in faith or personal morality and you don't share the exact same beliefs around this, it is the ethical thing for him to do -- to set aside his own religious beliefs and personal feelings when giving you advise about what is in your best interests......because his personal beliefs and personal feelings about stuff don't really have anything to do with what's in your best interests.)

Plus I know how it hurts to feel unwanted and even abandoned so I just don't want to pass that on, or maybe worse I fear the guilt that might replace any freedom I seek.

Do you feel wanted and supported in your relationship? Your needs around these kinds of feelings matter, too.

Personally, I think that if you chose to leave her forever and not look back, you would have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unless you are thinking about your kid? Unless she is abusive to him and you make no attempt to help him, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You cannot be a good father to him if you don't look after yourself, and if he sees his mother mistreating you that's not good for him.

Anyway, she lost the second baby, sex became a very forced event by her lady clock. It was demanded of me for about seven years. I truly started feeling like my wife was forcing me to have sex...
I couldn't do that under those conditions so she figured out that when I sleep, often things were at full attention down stairs... so it become a forced situation I would wake up to... this is fun maybe in a fun situation... it was a demand because regardless of what I wanted she was getting her way. She never got her way on this one thing...

Overtime I no longer wanted to freaking touch her, hug her, kiss her, look at her.

Legally, forcing someone to have sex with you by taking advantage of the fact that they are asleep (because otherwise they would say "no" or try to stop you) is considered sexual assault.

It doesn't matter if the two people are married (married people have the right to say "no" to sex with their spouse) and it doesn't matter if the sleeping person is a man in a heterosexual marriage.

I am sorry that this happened to you (I don't mean that I pity you or anything like that -- I just think it sucks and shouldn't happen to anyone. I think a lot of how your wife treats you really sucks and shouldn't happen to anyone, actually.....I don't think she's a terrible person, but I think she does terrible things to you.)

Im thinking like Mia said, actual separation. Time for both of us. Time to maybe heal some wounds... I'm applying for a transfer to San Diego tomorrow morning.

I have to get that approval and position so this isn't going to be instant.
Meanwhile I have lots of stuff that needs taking care of before that takes place. I do think I can get the transfer. I might have to drop back to assistant GMO, but I can swing that. It was offered once before and my wife said NO! So I did not take it... this time I'm not asking.

I'm going for it if I can get them to allow me one... this is calmer and just gives a break and some time to adjust and refocus... my mind is made up.

I'm going to San Diego soon, I'm pretty sure I can get this pushed through. I will have to figure out the property stuff here later.
My life is a complicated spread out organized mess. I can do this, and if I lose some or most of it, for a better state of happiness is worth 10x the prison I am in now...

Good for you, I hope it all goes smoothly!

 

[Chance]

I don't see that this is contradictory at all, rather it seems emphatic. You've talked to him and perhaps you have evidence to suggest that my interpretation is a poor one, but he may be saying that he's against divorce to make it clear that your situation is an exceptionally bad one.

Imagine that you've had a recipe for the preparation of brussels sprouts recommended to you. Person A really likes brussels sprouts and enjoys them no matter how they're prepared, and person A has given you this recipe. Maybe it's a good one, but just because this person likes it doesn't necessarily mean that it's exceptional, it could mean simply that it contains brussels sprouts.

Person B hates brussels sprouts. He's never liked them until he tried this particular recipe. When he recommends this recipe you know that it's exceptional, at least by his standards.

Which is the stronger recommendation?

A- "I hate marriage, everyone should get divorced, you too."

B- "Almost everyone should try to make their marriage work no matter what, but in this one case you really should leave her."

Thank you

The answer is B

 

[Chance]

Have you suggested going to counseling together? It seems to me you need an objective third party to see what's really going on there. If she won't do that then she really has zero interest in fixing the relationship.
If that's the case then surely someone has to leave don't they?
Have you considered another counselor? I can't understand why he would be telling you to leave...... but then saying he doesn't approve of divorce. Not that you need his approval of course.
Have any of your other relationships gone down a similar path or is she the only one who has behaved this way?
What about her sister? Is she married? If so do you see any similarities in her relationship?
Sorry for all the questions but just trying to help you understand what you're dealing with.

She won't attend counseling, she says I am the one with the problem and she isn't 100% wrong.
However, I do try and fix what I can. I have spent my life striving to improve. I was a 4 year old hand flapper who didn't talk, but no one ever knew what was my problem. They just called me the f...g retard and went on with life.

I think Mr. Spock has it right on my counselor... I really do... thats why I haven't said anything about that. He isn't flaky, He actually has a brother with ASD... I knew I was probably misunderstanding, just like I did Fridge man yesterday. He is against divorce, BUT in this case he is advising me that this might be necessary, is the short of what Mr Spock got from it and that feels right.

My wife is my only serious romantic relationship. Not a big lady swayer it seems.

I have a sister but have never really known her. We have never been around each other much at all since we were very small. She's basically a total stranger. I tried to get together with her a couple times, she never seemed interested. She has been married a few times, left her kids like my mom did me basically. Had trouble with CPS, just stuff I have heard, but I don't know any of it first hand.

I'm going to require that my wife and I get some space for a while. I am going to go ahead and do it through a lawyers office so she cant start just selling whatever she wants. I will move out so she doesn't have to be in a really hard situation. I just need to be sane and protect some assets that she never worked a minute for or paid a dime on. Its the best thing. I know it will most likely roll over into divorce, as bad as I hate that, but this way I haven't just left her high and dry. She will be in very familiar surroundings and safe and thats still important to me. I never want her to suffer, or at least the most minimum as possible.

Thanks for caring... : )

 

[Chance]

Wow. It takes some courage to Come here and lay his whole life out like this. Much respect from me brother. I would never had the courage.

It's the guilt that gets us, but you do need to be at peace with yourself. Especially in your home. Either of them. There a term here in the UK they call it gas lighting. I'm not sure if it's known in other countries I'm afraid.

My gf works in a domestic abuse centre. And chats to me about the types of things that 'perps' do.

Your wife is flat out 100% perp. (Perpetrators)

There's no doubt about it.

I got trapped. It was a living hell. Split house hold, the house got repod. Lost jobs, split 2 families. Nightmare.

All cause I was sooo switched into auto and survival mode. In fact. Your experience sounded like mine, only I was not getting abused like this. I just got cheated on, with my boss. So I lost the home and family, car on drive, my my job (obviously) and nowboy lives with his mother.

At the time and shortly after I have never been so lost and aimless. I was in zombie state again.

But here I am almost 10 years later. And me and the ex get in really well. Good joint parents. She's married to a decent lad.

I have met the woman for me. Life is so different. We're all happy. I'm only now finding out I'm on the spectrum.

Things are falling into place. Peace, routine and time.

You got to get it out of her, one way or another. Find out her intentions?

Or leave her. Call it out. Given her time to think. Change. Explain herself properly. Or leave her.

You don't need her approval. Be strong when the time is right chance.

Your going through it harder than I did.
But I deffo know what your going through. You explained my life at that period. (Without the gas lighting)

Good luck my friend. I'm here to chat..anytime you need it

Jamie

It makes me happy to hear time sort of fixed you and your ex-wife. If I had one wish it would be that at some point we could be at least civil and possibly just friends again. But that may be wishing for too much. Time will tell. I'm done but I also have the patience and sense to not throw her or my life out the window in some crazy stunt. It will be okay. I know it will. : )

 

[Chance]

First thing I need to retract a suggestion I made in a different thread of yours -- I suggested you get a better counsellor, but that is because I thought something your wife said was something your counsellor said (that you were messed up and needed counselling and she was fine). That done.....

I'd be confused, too.

Are you personally against divorce?

Maybe your counsellor is offering advice based on what he thinks your beliefs are, rather than based on his own beliefs -- or just taking his own personal feelings about divorce out of the picture. (If his feelings about divorce are based in faith or personal morality and you don't share the exact same beliefs around this, it is the ethical thing for him to do -- to set aside his own religious beliefs and personal feelings when giving you advise about what is in your best interests......because his personal beliefs and personal feelings about stuff don't really have anything to do with what's in your best interests.)



Do you feel wanted and supported in your relationship? Your needs around these kinds of feelings matter, too.

Personally, I think that if you chose to leave her forever and not look back, you would have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unless you are thinking about your kid? Unless she is abusive to him and you make no attempt to help him, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You cannot be a good father to him if you don't look after yourself, and if he sees his mother mistreating you that's not good for him.



Legally, forcing someone to have sex with you by taking advantage of the fact that they are asleep (because otherwise they would say "no" or try to stop you) is considered sexual assault.

It doesn't matter if the two people are married (married people have the right to say "no" to sex with their spouse) and it doesn't matter if the sleeping person is a man in a heterosexual marriage.

I am sorry that this happened to you (I don't mean that I pity you or anything like that -- I just think it sucks and shouldn't happen to anyone. I think a lot of how your wife treats you really sucks and shouldn't happen to anyone, actually.....I don't think she's a terrible person, but I think she does terrible things to you.)



Good for you, I hope it all goes smoothly!

I am against breaking my promise, but at this point (as was explained so well to me) that promise was to a lady who loved me for who I was, or at least made it seem that way.

My son is now on his own. He will hate this, but he knows its just crazy. I never want to turn him on his mom. He is her world. I would never do that to her. I will even take all the blame to keep that from happening. She was a good mom, I just became the sucky husband who couldn't please his wife as she demanded. Its not that complicated really. It makes me feel sick, because she truly thinks I do this to hurt her, but never considers it works both ways.

No, I no longer feel wanted, or loved. I feel used. I am just a free ride and a person she can blame everything on. I used to not mind, until I saw there was no end to it.

Its all going to change for the better I hope, just not in the way I had planned when we got married.

Thank you for everything : )

 

[Chance]

There's nothing you can really do at this point. Hate is a strong word but if someone uses it it pretty much means they are offended you are even alive. When you're in love everything someone does is enchanting or beautiful but if you hate someone you'll be annoyed of they even just sneeze.

Actually your joke is real fact. I cant sneeze without a "Good God your annoying." Thats a very real quote from yesterday... Now let me be honest. It was like 10 sneezes in a row as fast as they could come out. I was actually to the point of trying to catch my breath. I do that a lot, but I have fall allergies that are just insane and I guess that could get annoying. But heck it annoying inside me also... : )

 

[Fitzo]

"Thanks for caring... : )"

You are most welcome.

My one last piece of advice would be to make very sure your son knows you love him and your separation has nothing to do with him. May I ask how old he is?

 

[Fitzo]

I was a 4 year old hand flapper who didn't talk, but no one ever knew what was my problem.

My nephew is currently a 2.5 year old hand flapper who doesn't talk. My heart breaks thinking about how his life might play out.
My brother (his father) seems to think that as long as he isn't intellectually impaired he will be absolutely fine. I hope with all my heart he's right!

 

[NinaB]

she sounds like a spoiled child who was never given any boundaries
i dont know if thats narcissism?she seems to be conversing with you like a child thats thinks its been punished unjustly but i dont know her background .

I am sorry to interrupt, I know that you (Chance) asked for NT's who are in relationships with Aspie men. But I could not help but noticing ... I agree with Streetwise. I think that she might have some narcissistic traits. I've been living for twenty years with a person (my mom) who has a lot of narcissistic traits (if she's really not one), and I recognize this kind of behavior. I am not saying that your wife is a narcissist but I think you should search for it(if you have not yet) , so that you can analyze her past behaviors. I'm not suggesting that you diagnose your wife with something, but looking out for this kind of information could help you figure out if it's really something that you're doing or if it's just her abusing you.

 

[wight]

I am going to go ahead and do it through a lawyers office so she cant start just selling whatever she wants. I will move out so she doesn't have to be in a really hard situation. I just need to be sane and protect some assets that she never worked a minute for or paid a dime on. Its the best thing.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest... I see you are already on top of it.

 

[Chance]

My nephew is currently a 2.5 year old hand flapper who doesn't talk. My heart breaks thinking about how his life might play out.
My brother (his father) seems to think that as long as he isn't intellectually impaired he will be absolutely fine. I hope with all my heart he's right!

I got faith in him : )
Its just a choice inside us to be determined to change as much as we can...
Some of it is never going away, some of it I learned to control
He just needs to be loved (not coddled, not pitied, not spoiled) just loved with patience.

 

[Chance]

"Thanks for caring... : )"

You are most welcome.

My one last piece of advice would be to make very sure your son knows you love him and your separation has nothing to do with him. May I ask how old he is?

He does... We get along really well. He is 20 married and off on his own chasing his dreams. He knows how she is, but I try to never say much. He loves his mom and I will never try and sway that.

 

[Fitzo]

I got faith in him : )
Its just a choice inside us to be determined to change as much as we can...
Some of it is never going away, some of it I learned to control
He just needs to be loved (not coddled, not pitied, not spoiled) just loved with patience.

Thanks Chance. You're a sweetheart x

 

[Fitzo]

He does... We get along really well. He is 20 married and off on his own chasing his dreams. He knows how she is, but I try to never say much. He loves his mom and I will never try and sway that.

Oh OK I thought he was younger. Well at least you don't have to consider him when you decide your next move. Time to just do what's best for you!

 

[Chance]

It could be that she is having her own set of meltdowns and regrets about how her life has gone. If she lit into first thing in the morning, it sounds like she is living pissed off.

That does not make her a bad person. Many people might have a bad time in their lives when they appear bad. If she will not talk to you or see a therapist, there is no way to tell.

The trouble is that when the rift begins, people shut down. We all talk about communication but when you really do it, people get pissed off.

If I were married and my husband told me he was getting sick of me, I would really want to know why. Most people either attack ("You are always reading!!! You wont take out the trash!! You are mentally ill!!!) etc or the exact opposite: (No, it is just that, well, I don't know....Just give me space. We will talk later [i.e never])

When really, he might be thinking, "OMG. This is really a serious condition and I had no idea what I was getting into and now it's too late. I don't want to hurt her, but I will go crazy if I stay here.... " And I might be thinking, "I am such a fool to have believed this could work....."

In reality, if THAT CONVERSATION could be had, then help may (or may not) be got.

You can plan if you know the truth, but humans are terribly averse to the truth.

I agree with you... She is unhappy also. I don't talk much (but never have). I speak fine but its just a lot of mental crap having to shuffle to say the right things at the right times and often I screw that up.
She is a lively person hitched to a loner... I know she thought she could "fix" that, but I cant fix that... No one can fix that. That and not enough kids became a barrier and it became a wedge that turned into her hating me. She is disappointed and angry but she doesn't want help, she still wants me to change to fit what she needs... She says this, so I know this and I'm not guessing.

So, over years of this I see things are a mess of dysfunction and I cant keep doing it. I will be gentle, but its over. I am putting in for my transfer to SoCal right now. I'm just going to do it this time. I'm not seeking her approval, or even mentioning it, until its 100% doable. It will take some time. I have to wait for a position but I now 2 are coming up and one is a guy retiring. I have some pull, cause I have done things that blew peoples minds with a course that was failing.

This keeps me fully employed, but forces us apart and then she has to start thinking, but it leaves her in the comforts of her surroundings with no horrible abrupt changes.

Thank you for your kindness... Its all good and somehow it will work out for everyone.

 

[Chance]

Oh OK I thought he was younger. Well at least you don't have to consider him when you decide your next move. Time to just do what's best for you!

Yeah it kind of weird when people think my son is my little brother... We look mostly exactly alike, but he is more like his mom. He is outgoing, good at sports, smart, witty, and I never want to step on that, or make him not love his mom. : ) I stayed for him, now I just cant anymore but I fear she will become very lonely not having me to scream at all the time, but she has to figure HER life out and quit destroying mine. In there somewhere is still a love for her also.

 

[dragoncat16]

This house I am in now is my rent house, but we are in it while we repair our real house that got water damage and it developed black mold all in it. Insurance did not pay this claim by the way - tricky devils and the fine print. See I just derailed and I caught myself... geez.

Sorry, as an ASD woman I can't help with the trouble in your relationship. To me, it seems as if she was just in a bad mood, but then I have spent most of my life saying stuff that I thought was innocent and was actually pissing people off to some amazing degree. Maybe she really really doesn't like waffles?

However, I might be able to help with your black mold issue. Try Benefect disinfectant. That's what the pros used to clean up when the floods hit Quebec this summer. My mom's house got flooded in May and developed mold in the affected areas, and I sprayed that stuff around, and the mold disappeared before my eyes. It's all natural (based on thyme and other natural antimicrobial plants), non-toxic, smells awesome, and removed all the mold and the smell. You just have to make the areas good and wet with the stuff and you don't have to rinse it. I was really doubtful at first and thought you needed some harsh toxic chemical to do the job but that stuff really worked. That and a bunch of dehumidifiers running in the basement. I know I sound like an ad or something but I have no affiliation with that company, just very impressed and surprised with how well it worked. Just google benefect and you'll be able to find where you can get some. It is pretty expensive but WAY worth it. Seriously, for several weeks the house STANK with the horrible damp and mold smell, and the spores were probably very unhealthy, I sprayed that stuff around, and the whole house was transformed in a day. If only the government would hurry up and inspect the place so it can be repaired.....