GET the COOKIE

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Luckily, I showed up late to the party.

The battery on your laptop was hovering dangerously below 3%, which equaled exactly five minutes of battery life.

As my eyes were transfixed on adorable felines popping in and out of boxes, and getting tangled in yarn, the battery was quickly meeting its demise.

I was shocked back into reality by the screen going black. I shook my head vigorously, and got my senses back. You have a five minute head start? I could easily catch up with you.

I whip around and little did I know, you were right behind me, staring at the laptop too. You couldn't take your eyes out of the little kitties.

You lunge towards the laptop, charger cable in hand. You are addicted to cute cat videos and you need another fix.

As you run past me with the charger cable, I reach into the pocket of your cardigan, and pull out The Cookie.

You have no idea what kind of power you were messing with!

Now, Cookie safe in hand, I sneak out the back exit, through the dimly-lit parking lot, and toward an old tool shed, behind a grove of trees, where I can hide with The Cookie.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Not for long. When you got out of the car, i lifted it out of your pocket, saying "excuse me"

 

[Forest Cat]

I saw you take it, so I just robbed you and took it. It's now in the glovebox of my car which is locked and guarded by vicious yorkshire terriers.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I distract the yorkies with lots of cuddles until they are exhausted and grab the cookies after they fall asleep!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

On your way back to the car, you slip on a banana peel and fling the cookie out with some force. I caught it from the window of my taxi cab

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Good thing I've been Sweating to the Oldies with Suzanne Sommers' 1990s hit Aerobics Video series "Tailbones and Wrists of Steel". So the blow bruised nothing but my dignity.

Dusting myself off, and licking the banana off of my wrists of steel, I charge after your taxicab. You turn and glance behind you. I am running after the vehicle like the T-1000 in Terminator 2, Judgement Day. And they said Jazzercize was a waste of time!

Pumping up my vintage 1991 Air Jordans, I then leap onto the back of the taxi, clawing my way up the trunk, slipping in the process, but managing to stay on top of the vehicle. Why don't they put spoilers on the rear ends of taxicabs? It would have made this task a whole lot easier.

Flipping over the left side, using my mad Tai-Bo skillz, I open the rear passenger door, and sit next to you. I reach inside the lapel of your coat, and pull out the cookie. You reach out to stop me, but as the taxi crosses an overpass, I lunge backwards and out the door, performing a picture-perfect Triple Lindy into the river below.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I see how it is...

I call up my buddy Dark Helmet and he lends me his "Mega maid" for a bit. Using the planetary vacuum, I suck the whole river up with you and the cookie still in it, leaving a muddy lake bed. I turn the dial to "cookie" on the ship's über magnet, to forcefully pull the cookie from your grasp while you are still sloshing around inside the planetary vacuum bag. I then enter one of the escape pods, cookie in hand, and set out for Andromeda galaxy. Surely, there's no way you'll ever see your precious cookie again .

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I call up my lovely friend, Seven of Nine. She's been in relationship counselling with @Skittlebisquit for over a year now. She hooks me up with her stepmom, The Borg Queen. Together we travel at Warp Eighteen, through fluidic space, dodging Species 8472 at every turn.

As we come out of Fluidic Space, and decloak, suddenly, on all coms, you hear, in my familliar voice, "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated." Then you hear chuckling and a quiet "Dude, thanks, I always wanted to do that!"

Next thing you know, The Cookie is beamed onto The Borg Mothership.

After I fistbump Seven, and give The Borg Queen advice on her on again/ off again relationship with Locutis of Borg, they fly me back to earth, where I hide in a solid lead underground bunker. It's just me, The Cookie, and some mellow oldies on the radio. Life is good.

 

[AdamG]

While touring a local radio transmitter, a burst of cosmic energy struck, giving me the power to travel the airwaves. As I was touring the frequencies, I noticed it there, in the Mellow Oldies broadcast - the faint odor of The Cookie. Back and forth I went, at the speed of sound, until finally I came out in an old solid lead underground bunker. "Yikes!" I say, seeing @Yeshuasdaughter guarding it - I quickly snatch The Cookie and re-enter the broadcasts, hiding it in the soundwaves of a Pop '80's station.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

In my secret underground bunker, I am not only slowly getting lead poisoning, I am also learning high school chemistry and physics!

On page 373 of the Abeka Matter and Energy, ninth grade homeschool Physics textbook, it clearly states that one can follow a person through a portal, undetected, simply by pouring cold water all over their hair and clothing.

I slosh through the portal right behind you, and marvel at all the swirling textures, and stop to enjoy the flavor of each color as it passes. I haven't seen this many tracers since that time in the early 2000s when I found those white spotted mushrooms in the redwoods.

Anyway...

My hands kept turning into snapdragons, and then real snapping dragons. Meanwhile I was remarking on how the color turquoise surprisingly doesn't taste minty at all. It tastes of all things, like spicy barbecue sauce.

So, in between me and the cookie, Santa Claus is sitting up on the roof of my old elementary school, playing the saxophone. Giant, menacing music notes are flying at me, like cinderblocks shot out of a nailgun.

I dodge and weave up and down, but my feet are so heavy, and my hands strrrrrrrretch to the ground and feel like the texture of my tongue after the dentist shoots me up with novocaine.

Just then, I look in the mirror. Wow. I look exactly like Marilyn Monroe, in a crop top and little fifties cigarette pants.

Only my face is The Cookie. I reach through the mirror, and can taste the glass with the lines on my fingertips. It tastes like chocolate milk.

I reach for the reflection of my face, and grab it. I pull the cookie through the mirror. It is the exact size and weight a well worn tire on a 1989 Dodge Spirit. And my fingers tell me (audibly) that it tastes like one too.

I try to fly back through the portal. But instead, find myself swimming through the cinderblock music notes, which have now made a permeable wall between me and my bunker.

I sneeze, and all the cinderblock music notes evaporate, like fine mist.

I stick out my tongue, and it wraps around me in a spiral. I roll through the portal and back into my bunker. Everything is back to normal. My clothes and hair are dry.

I have the cookie.

Recalling the bizarre events that just unfolded, I quickly throw the science books in the garbage and swear to never use the scientific method for as long as I live.

I leave the bunker, and head home. I put the cookie in my bedside nightstand, and sleep off the weird day.

 

[AdamG]

I swing in from the Jazz station to look at my prize, and The Cookie is gone! I sweep throughout the world on the airwaves, until a random sunspot took my powers from me, and there I was back in my room.
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Turning my radio off (better to be safe!) I had to come up with a new plan.
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I turn to the mystical arts, searching deeper and deeper into the arcane arts, until my ego shattered into a million pieces.
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It took me decades (subjectively) to retrieve each piece, and as I regained my sense of self, I was able to see things more and more clearly. I could see across the galaxy, I could see the tiniest speck. I could see everything, everywhere! And there, in a nightstand, hidden from normal sight, was The Cookie.
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It was not hard to miss, once I knew what to look for. It glowed the glow of the ultimate prize, wrapped in the ultimate challenge.
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I warp the fabric of the universe and with a light *POP* the cookie was in my hand.
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I feel my powers draining, so with the last of my strength, I create a pocket in the space-time continuum, and place The Cookie there, where none in OUR universe can find it.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I call up my good friend Q. You know, of the Q Continuum. He torments you with tricks and riddles. When you think you cannot take anymore, he yells "Adios Mon Capitaine!" and disappears, with the cookie.

He thinks I'm hot stuff, so he gives me the cookie, and offers to make me a Q. I decline. He airs his grievances about how disgusting mortal flesh can be, but still, I hold the line. I do not wish for immortality or magic powers.

So, now that I have Q as an ally, I ask kindly that he zap me to the bridge of a Klingon Bird of Prey. I've always wanted to fight hand to hand combat with the Romulans.

The klingons, upon hearing the tales of my battles for the cookie, immediately make me their admiral.

You will have to get through a barrage of batleths and painsticks, weilded by angry klingon women in order to retrieve the cookie.

Bwahahaha! Patahk!

 

[AdamG]

After some time has passed, I notice The Cookie is no longer in my pocket universe. Its obvious presence is clearly back in our universe.
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Expecting this, I had been reading the Book of the Shadowlands, which teaches one to enter the Realm of Shadows through any cast shadow in the Lit World. As it turns out, the Shadowlands are an actual dimension, and any shadow creates a weakening between this Realm and our own. Through practice and strength of will, one can enter the Realm of Shadow through any umbral region of shadow.
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It took me a while to get my bearings, as I popped out of and back into the shadows of trees and rocks, and people in every facet of life. And it took me some time, at first, to re-enter the Realms - I was almost caught one time, until was finally able to penetrate the shadow of a grandfather clock.
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The biggest danger, from what I read, were the natives of this realm. They abhor anything of the light, and will attack on sight. I am careful to always wear dark clothing when I travel.
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So now, I feel comfortable enough to travel the Realms and start my search for The Cookie. I search room by room, block by block, city by city, always expanding outward. This takes me many years, and eventually I realize that The Cookie is nowhere on Earth.
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So I take my search to beyond Earth, beyond our solar system. And, to my surprise, I end up on an Andorian ship. Star Trek is real! No wonder Earth doesn't know about any of this - it is only the early 21st century.
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So I flit through the shadows into ships and worlds of countless aliens, all to no avail. Finally I happen into Klingon Space, and I can feel the presence of The Cookie strengthen. I know how dangerous the Klingons can be, so I peek out from the shadows very discretely.
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And finally, my years of searching pay off. Many warriors guard The Cookie, which is given a display of prominence - and lit from all sides! There are no shadows close enough to get to it undetected. I'll need to fight.
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I find a nice broad shadow, as close as I can get to The Cookie. Then, I try something I'd read about, but never attempted. I draw essence out of the Shadow Realm and into the Lit World. As it seeps towards me, I shape it, harden it, sharpen it. Sweat pours from my brow as I concentrate. Finally, I have a Batleth borne of shadow, sharper than any metal, lighter than air itself.
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I catch my breath, and jump into the light, screaming loudly my most guttural war cry. And the guards are on me. I fight as best I can, but I am no match for their strength, skill, and numbers, even with my superior weaponry. Backed into a corner, I have only one chance left.
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I grab a Klingon Tricorder from nearby, and leap into the Realm. The light from this tool brings the Shadow Wraiths on me immediately. I jump back onto the ship, and toss the tricorder toward the cookie. The Wraiths are on it in a moment, swirling tendrils of pure darkness, extinguishing everything in their path. I hide in the darkest shadow I can, and curl up in a fetal position.
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The Wraiths wail in what I can only call an absence of sound, and reach out to extinguish everything in the area which emits light. In the subsequent confusion, I grab the cookie, and leap through the Shadow back to Earth.
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Whew, what an adventure, I'm never going through the Shadowlands again after all of that!
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At this point, I just want to keep things simple. I just digitize The Cookie and store it on my phone, which is always on me. Now it should be safe for sure!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

You know, Klingons really don't like humans that much.

I hate to break it to you, but while you were battling the Klingons, Martok himself was in the bathroom scrawling "For a good time, call ........"

One of the other Klingons, Worf to be exact, not knowing the Earth custom of bathroom wall numbers, genuinely wanted to have a good time. Maybe telling the epic saga of Kahless by heart, while drinking rakhtachinos or better yet, prune juice.

So, Mister Worf dialed the number on the bathroom wall.

The Klingons regard themselves as very progressive. They were in fact the pioneers of the mixed gender restroom Idea. Therefore, since I was in the next stall, I overheard the conversation that ensued, as it was on speakerphone.

"Hello?"

"This is Mister Worf of the Starship Enterprise."

"Huh? Is this some kind of joke?"

"I am not a merry man!"

At this, Worf slammed the phone down. He did not have a good time and was very cross. More cross than usual.

So at that, I realized that it was your number scrawled on the bathroom wall.

I asked my good friends Be'ator and Lursa, to lock a tractor beam onto your cellphone signal, as soon as I dialed the number.

They pulled The Cookie through fluidic space, and beamed it onto the Bird of Prey.

I regailed them with more of my war stories from The Battle of The Cookie.

I hid The Cookie away inside of a ventilation shaft on the Bird of Prey, and we set forth to battle the Romulans for dominance over the Alpha Quadrant.

 

[AdamG]

I create a new civilization, on the outskirts of the delta quadrant. With my vast knowledge of science and magic, the planet soon reaches a level of self sustainability, and expansion. Within decades, they become the sleeping giant, after centuries, they are able to hide themselves from normal space.
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And as their Immortal Emperor, I command them to lay waste to the Klingons in all their failed glory. And search the rubble for The Cookie.
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It takes little time. And the Royal Guard keep The Cookie safe. For now.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I hire Shang Tsung to steal the Royal Guard’s soul and grab the cookie and hide it inside the cave where Voldemort hid the Locket of Slytherin!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I call up my old friend, Captain Janeway, of the USS Voyager.

The Voyager emits a strong Tachyon pulse, which rips the mountain to rubble. We beam the rubble to the moon, so that no one gets hurt.

Meanwhile, The Delta Flyer beams up The Cookie.

Once The Delta Flyer docks in the main cargo hold, I ask Seven of Nine to keep The Cookie on her person at all times. She says "Affirmative", and promises to incapacitate anyone who tries to get The Cookie back.

The Voyager takes off through a wormhole into fluidic space.

Bye y'all.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Thread Synopsis

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[Yeshuasdaughter]

Thread Synopsis

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Tuvok and Seven of Nine would agree.

They have taken control of The Starship Voyager, after Captain Janeway's little problem with Species 8472.

The logical duo use Borg conduits to fly back to Earth. Where I am beamed down to sunny Edinburgh, during the annual "Running of the Haggis".

I am dressed in full lowland Scot tartan, cookie safely in my clan sporran. The one place no one would expect.

I walk into a pub, pound the bar with my fist to get the bartender's attention, and let him know I mean business. As soon as I have his undivided attention, I demand an iced cold milk, on the rocks.

 

[FayetheAspie]

You all woke up and realized it was nothing more than the strangest dream you ever had.