GET the COOKIE

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I pop out of one of the boxes, right in front of you, and you point your "Nerd gun" at me (your words, not mine). I laugh maniacally at you and say "YOU'LL HAVE TO FINISH ME OFF IF YOU WANT THAT COOKIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

You pull the trigger on your "Nerd gun" and a little flag pops out the front that says "Please don't break my glasses, or I'll tell my Mommy on you!"

"That's it?" I ask.

"Oh you have no idea! That was just for distraction!" You roar. Suddenly you pet your cat the wrong way up his back, pet him on the stomach, and then throw him at me. As I'm scrambling wildly to get your vicious attack feline off my face, you run away laughing, holding a red dvd case.

Foiled again. But not for long.

See, me and Fluffy Little Mr. Skittlebisquit the Second go way back to when I was working as a double agent at the County Pound. Back then he was known as Mister Waffles, and we had quite the routine. I would tell him what I wanted, money, jewels, cookies, and he would swipe it for me, and bring it back to his kennel. We always split the loot 50/50.

Then one day he was gone. I heard he moved down south, looking for a more steady home, where he could lay low for a few years, really grow his hair out, without being noticed by the fuzz, ya know.

I beg him to get the cookie from you. "No can do" he says, "I've got a good thing going, and I'm not going to ruin it for some low down, cheap cookie thief".

"Fine" I say, "I guess I am on my own." He just turns his head and licks his shoulder, which is cat for "I couldn't care less". He then meows softly and scampers out the door in the direction you ran.

As I'm pacing back and forth, dodging around half-built tricycles, I notice a Netflix case on the floor. "No way!?!!!" I exclaim. Sure enough the label reads "Xena: Warrior Princess- Best of Season Two".

"Yessss!" I shout. I open it and there, oh joy, is the cookie. You grabbed the wrong case! Yes, yes yes! I walk out the door and decide to head out to sea, looking for the first ship in need of a extra hand on deck.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Things go well for you in the life at sea, you make friends, do some fishing and learn to whittle. Pretty soon your ship berths at Perth in Australia.

On the dock you see an adorable monkey wearing period costume and a cute little hat. Distracted by simian shenanigans you dont notice there is a fight brewing until it's too late to escape.

Its seven of nine and Xena warrior princess dueling with lightsabers!
They are fighting over me!

"I get may thru October and you get what's left!" cries seven

"Who is supposed to take care of my horses for half a year?" Retorts Xena

While you are taking bets from the onlookers, the monkey steals the cookie from your purse, and scampers off. Everybody does have something to hide, even me and my monkey....
Franklin and I meet up and flee to the outback on a dunebuggy with 40litres of petrol, some frozen burritos, nail polish and the cookie

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I roll my eyes and walk over to the fight, "Seven, Xena, you can stop fighting, your boyfriend's gone."

"My nail polish, I require it." Seven states in her usual stoic monotone.

"Well, your boyfriend has it in his car." I mention.

"Hey!" Xena growls, "He's not your boyfriend, he's my boyfriend!"

"Ladies, will you chill out?" I beg.

"But I need my attack monkey!" Xena howls.

"Why do you have an attack monkey?" I ask. "You know what, I really don't wanna know." I sigh and continue, "You know, I always imagined meeting up with you two would be so much cooler than this."

Xena grabs me by the collar of my sailor Carharts. "Are you calling me a loser?"

"Coolness is irrelevant". Seven exhales.

"Tell ya what", I start, "You two go on a nice walkabout in the Outback, and if you see your boyfriend- don't fight, just convince him to come back here, okay?"

"Sounds good" they both chime.

While I am moored in a local wharf, enjoying the local sightseeing, your girlfriends trudge through the eucalyptus jungle, fighting off mad koalas and wallabies. Finally they spot you.

"It's so hot and muggy" Xena complains, "it's rusting my chakrams". "Yes", Seven continues, "My neuroprocessor is in need of repair."

Tired of their whining, you realize the problem with having two girlfriends, twice the nagging.

"Fine," you mutter, "If we go back to the city will you be happy?"

"It will be sufficient." Seven nods.

"I will never be happy until the last drop of blood from the Huns is spilled and we are free of their tyranny!" Xena cackles.

"I'm gonna take that as a yes." You say.

So you spend a noisy, three hour car ride with two whining females, nitpicking your very existence in temperatures over 120 f. You thought a vacation with one girl was bad. Oh boy.

Anyway, you FINALLY get back to town and order three motel rooms near the wharf. Maybe the sea breeze and a little space will cool down everyone's nerves.

You notice a maid dusting in the corner. "Oh I'm so sorry," she exclaims. "I didn't know there were any guests in here. I'll leave now." She scurries out the door.

"Women". You groan and fall face first into the pillow, asleep for the next twelve hours.

Meanwhile I laugh. It was too easy! Get two naggy women on your case under the hot sun, dress up as a motel employee, and just steal the cookie from right under your very nose!

By the time you wake up, my scurvy crew is halfway to Singapore.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Drat foiled again!

Well the three of us go to family counciling again where I learn many valuable things

Blanket forts are fine but cardboard box labrynthae are kind of intimidating

Fantasy girlfriends have baggage

So we all go off to comic con together, and try to play nice for a while.

In the VIP lounge at comic con there is trouble brewing. Steven seagul is having a staring contest with dolf lundgren again. There is lots of heavy breathing and eyebrow gestures.

I decide it's time to check my rolodex again, and attempt to reclaim my desire, yes the cookie shall be mine!

The charmed ones agree to take the case, for a few autographs and the nail polish.

In Singapore they find you at a karaoke bar singing black velvet and crashing back Manhattan's. The three too hot Americans chant something with poor meter and strained rhyme, and poof! You are transported to my secret lair in the mountains of oregon.

You come to your senses to find yourself restrained in a cage, that is suspended over a vat of bubbling chocolate milk, that has sharks swimming in it.

"Give me the cookie!" I implore you while dry washing my well manicured hands.

"The cookie is mine!" You retort.

"Is not"
"Is too"
"Is not!"
"Always was"
" I know you are but what am i?"

This goes on for a while, until there is a strange sound that I can almost hear, it sounds like chattering laughter. It's that little attack monkey of Xena's!
That miserable miscreant climbed up to your rather uncertain perch and took the cookie while we were arguing.

Your fifteenth rendition of " I am rubber you are glue...." tapers off into silence as you watch me chase off after the monkey, leaving you to your fate. A diabolical clockwork mechanism, clicks and your cage is lowered slightly closer to the vat of hot chocolate. And closer....and closer...
Sweet dreams
Bwahahahaha!

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

"Oh wow, this is nice. Thanks for the spa treatment! I need to let myself get captured more often." I smile.

Good thing I had a small stint as a wildlife biologist. I scratch the sharks behind the gills. I name one shark "Baby" and the other one "Buttons".

The sharks and I just lay out in the chocolate milk jacuzzi, feeling like a million bucks.

Finally I realize what would make this perfect... What goes better with chocolate milk than cookies?

I kiss the sharks good bye and tell them to be good. Then I hop out of the jacuzzi, dripping with chocolate, looking like half mud monster, half crazed woman. I lunge at the cookie, and run out the door. Sure there is a swarm of bees chasing me down the path, along with a couple hummingbirds, but at last, I have the cookie. It's all mine!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

On your way out of the Lair, stolen cookie in hand, you come upon a series of video game inspired puzzle rooms, that you have to pass through in order to reach a glowing sign in the distance that says :"EXIT HERE"

While you are trying to understand the right cube and button combination from the best video game of all time(Portal), your mental gymnastics are interrupted by a perky young woman bearing a tray of snacks and dressed like a vendor girl from an old film.

A whole tray full of temptation distracts you for just a moment, and I snatch the cookie from your hand and dash through a secret panel, that closes behind me.

The snack server starts to behave strangely little ticks at first, the without warning drops her tray. And turns her glowing(?) eyes upon you.

That's not a vendor, it's a robot! And not just any robot, it's a war machine intending your destruction! Now I have you trapped! I watch with schadenfruede from the armored control room, as you dodge deadly lasers, (discouragement beams) and various traps all while carrying that stupid box. Sadly I lose visuals when shrapnel takes out the cameras, but I remain confident in my armored command chair, slowly petting the purring cat. What could possibly go wrong?

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

All looks hopeless, until I spot her silver tray she was previously carrying, now lying on the floor. I use it to deflect all her shots back to her, so that she destroys herself.

One of her laser shooters is still intact. I turn up the power, and simply blast my way through, room by room, until I'm thankfully out in the bright, blinding sunshine.

Now to get to the control room..

I see what looks like a flight control tower on the other side of the complex. Using my binoculars, it's pretty obvious that you're in there with that double crossing kitty. He couldn't even say good bye after all the money I helped him earn.

I approach the tower. There are no reachable doors or windows around the entire perimeter for several meters up. That's when I pull out a small whistle from my pocket. I hear thuds in the distance, that get louder and louder.

It's my good friend Ugh the 30 foot caveman! He heard my call and came to help!

"Do you think you can get up there?" I ask.

"Ugh no can do." he replies.

"What would you do for an apple and a bit of jerky?" I implore.

"Ugh push hard!", and that's just what he did! Your tower comes crashing down, shaking the entire countryside.

You stomp out of the mess of broken glass and twisted steel with flames burning in your eyes. Your cat seems pretty mad too. He squints at me and looks away. A clear sign of hatred.

"Give it up Skittlebisquit. The cookie is mine." I demand.

"You'll never have it!" Your fists are gripped combatively.

Down on the ground, your cat seems to have found the cookie and is batting it around like a catnip mouse.

Ugh the giant caveman roars, and the kitty screeches and dives into a pile of shrapnel. Ugh picks up the cookie, then puts me on his shoulder.

He and I leave you standing there, fuming, wondering how your plot could have failed, while we head down highway 199 towards Humboldt County, looking for his buddy Bigfoot, and my friends, the hippies.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

There is an agricultural inspection station at the border, when you get to it, a charming beautiful and completely vacant young man with perfect teeth smiles brightly at you and asks you about fruit and vegetables.

The thirty foot tall cave man causes a bit of a stir, and now you are directed to a special area. It turns out that your buddy ugh hasn't been vaccinated yet, nor does he have any ID whatsoever.

While the helpful government workers are searching your car, someone finds the cookie in your glove box.

" did you know that there have been reports of criminal cookie smuggling up and down the west coast"? One of the people asks you.

While uggh is being detained, I swoop down on a jetpack and swipe the cookie right from their hands!

Me and the cookie are headed for yakatusk in Russia, the coldest place on earth, where I plan to support myself with a snow cone business.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

That's what you think. While Ugh is being frisked and read his Miranda rights, I grab a bag of smuggled oranges from under the seat and hurl it at you as you're barely taking off. It knocks you to the ground. The cookie falls on my passenger seat. I put it in gear and take off thru the checkpoint like a bat out of Garberville. Next stop, Arcata.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It's been a while since I've been on the road. I feel like Jack Kerouac at this point. Just travelling for the sake of it. Can't stay in one place too long. I never know if someone is going to show up demanding the cookie.

I end up in a small town on the Alaskan coast. It's winter. My PTSD is playing tricks on me. I hear crunching behind me. Has someone gotten the cookie? Are they eating it? I whip my head back and see nothing but a couple of children, their boots breaking through the crust of snow that's fallen overnight as they head to school.

Ah. Safe. The heated air in my car is getting stale. I crack the window open, for a breath of fresh air. The cold bites my face, and refreshes me. I suddenly feel more alert.

What am I doing up here? Hiding from my past? I need to make a confrontation once and for all. I turn the key. "CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK".

Dank Ferrick! I used up the battery trying to stay warm overnight. What a fool I am. I guess it's time to ditch the car, as the weather is hovering near zero.

I sigh and grab my coat. It's a lightweight puffer, made more for to keep the Oregon rain from soaking my bones, than to actually block the Arctic blast.

I pull my boots over my warm socks. Okay, here goes.

Deep breath, time to be on the move again.

I pull the latch. I have to push a little, as a thin shellac of ice has encased the door and frozen it shut.

Oh no! The cookie! I almost forgot! I pull off a mitten, feeling the wool lightly scratch my fingers. I open the glove box, pull out a baggie, and stuff it deep in my coat pocket.

All right, no turning back.

As soon as I open the door, a blast of ice takes my breath away. First one foot out of the car, next the other. I slide a little before grasping for the door. That was a close one.

I get my footing and head toward a neon light shining through the fog. As I get closer I can tell it's a dive bar, but it's the only business I can see that's open at all in this little town.

As soon as I touch the brass door handle, I can feel the ice through my glove. I sure am glad to find this place. I don't want to spend another moment in this frigid vacuum.

It is like opening an oven door, the heatwave hits me so strongly. I perspire, and everything about this place says "Come inside, relax a little, you're among friends." But I better case it first.

I scan the room looking for anyone who might be seeking the cookie, someone who might recognize a familiar face from the lower 48.

"Hey! What are you doing? Letting the heat out. Get your butt in here or close the dang door!" It's the bartender. I don't want to make enemies in this town. I've got to find someone to help me lay low for a while.

It's so warm and humid in here. I absentmindly take off my coat and leave it on a squeaky pink leather seat. I approach the bar.

"What'll it be?"

"Funny you asked".... I then ask about lodging in the area, and possible jobs.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I've been up on Alaska's North Slope for six weeks now, hiding out with the cookie, working under an assumed name as a sled dog driver, guiding tourists across the tundra.

I'm starting to get concerned about the mental health of my boss, Kevin Sorbo. He has been in a very depressed mood lately. He just gives me my assignments, my paychecks, and otherwise doesn't speak. On return from my last expedition, I confront him on this.

I walk up the metal stairs, into the trailer where he has his office. He looks up from his manager's desk, red faced and teary eyed, and asks me to shut the door. He then reveals that Kevin Sorbo is a fake name and that his real name is Hercules. He is hearbroken because his beloved Xena has left him for another man- some adventurer named @Skittlebisquit.

My eyes grow large. I am about to exclaim, but decide to lower my voice, because you never know who's eavesdropping. I tell him I know Xena and Skittlebisquit. I then explain the whole story to him.

He stands up and pounds his fist on the desk. "Do you have it?"

"Have what?" I ask.

"The cookie! It's the only way!"

"Um...", I twist my foot nervously on the ground, and make up a pathetic lie, "I'm not at liberty to divulge that information."

"Oh give it up!" He demands. "True love is at stake! Perhaps if I were united with my beautiful warrior princess, Xena, I could give up this sad excuse for a life, and go back to saving the world from interdimensional villains bent on galactic conquest!"

"Uh, what are you suggesting?" I ask, in disbelief.

He disappears into the back room, and comes back out dressed in his leather battle armor from the tv series.

I tell him I cannot give him the cookie, but I can teach him to wield it.

He leads me outside to an open area. His teeth are chattering, and he's got goosebumps on his arms. "You sure you just want to wear that? You don't want me to go grab you a coat or something?" I ask.

He replies: "My Xena wouldn't let the discomfort of sub-zero temperatures and a little trifle called 'hypothermia' stop her from doing what's right, so I'm not going to either!"

I hand him the cookie. "You better not try anything funny." I warn.

He lays the cookie on the ground. He draws his sword and raises it high above his head and proclaims, "With this sacrifice, I summon Xena: Warrior Princess by my side!"

"NO!!! Please don't!" I lunge in fear at the cookie! I can't allow it to be harmed in any way. But it is too late. Before his sword can puncture the cookie, it sends out a shock wave that knocks both Hercules and I over, and flattens his trailer. It seems I didn't need to protect the cookie at all. It has its own internal defenses.

Across the valley, I see a shining light and a human figure materializes in that light, before approaching us. It is Seven of Nine.

"I beamed down from Voyager to help you ascertain how reclaim your mate, Xena: Warrior Princess." She begins, "I observed from my Astrometrics Lab that Xena is spending all too much time on vacation with MY BOYFRIEND!" Those two last words were punctuated with an angry scowl.

She pulls out a tricorder and after entering a few coordinates, she beams back up to Voyager. In her place stands Skittlebisquit and Xena. They are both wearing Hawaiian shirts, leis, and big sombreros. Each of them is holding a giant margarita. They are singing songs of glorious battle and are obviously very, very drunk.

"My beloved Xena!" Hercules exclaims. He then looks accusingly into the eyes of Skittlebisquit: "Is this the this sorceror that has bewitched you?"

"Oh heyyyyyyy baby!" Xena stumbles. "Her'ka'leeeeez. Where've you been?"

Hercules takes her in his arms and looks deep into her eyes. "I will take you back home to the wise women of Athens. They shall heal you of your enchantments."

"You're funny maaaannnnnn. You're like a cop or something. I love youuuu." She slurs.

Hercules looks over at me, "It is time for our departure. Thank you. May you be blessed with long life, and many successful battles." At that moment he raises his sword, and they disappear into a bolt of lightning.

A couple minutes pass where Skittlebisquit and I just stand there, dumbfounded, trying to make sense of what just happened.

Suddenly I'm knocked back into reality, as Seven of Nine beams back down from the Starship Voyager. Now she's dressed like she's ready to go on vacation.

When they're not looking, I grab the cookie, turn towards my sled dogs and get ready to leave.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Seven knows what's good for her, so she grabs the cookie from your mittened hands and jumps into my waiting arms, we elope together into the mysterious Canadian wilderness, so I can teach seven bushcraft survival, and wildlife appreciation, just the two of us and the cookie

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Every time you show her a new skill, Seven replies, "I am Borg. I will adapt." This goes on for several weeks of married bliss.

Meanwhile, a shadow has begun looming over the earth. It is the Borg Queen's Cube. She has abducted me and threatened to assimilate my knowledge and technical distinctiveness into the collective unless I help her hook up with Skittlebisquit, who was her true love all along.

Personally, I'm happy for Seven and Skittles, and I'm glad the cookie and them are making a nice little family down in the Yukon. But I don't want to get assimilated... again. The information I have on the cookie, if absorbed into their hive mind, could destroy the Alpha Quadrant.

And... there's something else. Deep down, I try not to admit it, but I am extremely jealous at how happy you are with MY COOKIE. My blood boils and I quietly seethe as I pace back and forth, up there in the motor-oil and hot dog scented Borg Cube.

I hatch a plan. The Borg Queen promises under no circumstances to assimilate you. She thinks you're hot stuff, way more than her old boyfriend, that stuffy old Captain Picard, a.k.a. Locutus of Borg. "I hate Earl Grey Tea!" She howls. "It was like his Autistic special interest or something! Do you know how many boxes of Earl Grey Tea I had to stack on my cube just to keep him satisfied??? He's like a hoarder or something!!! And the unhealthy kind too! He doesn't horde people, like I do. I hate his special interest!!!! Mine is so much better."

She pauses to catch her breath, and I notice that nerve above her eyebrow is no longer twitching. "And besides," she bats her non-existent eyelashes, "if Skittlebisquit is into Borg Drones, perhaps I have a chance."

I turn away and roll my eyes, and mouth silently, "Yeah right, fish lady. But you do you."

I turn back and explain to her about what Seven did, and how it could work in this situation.

A few moments later, I am beamed down to the surface. I hide behind some bushes, and watch as Seven disappears, and The Borg Queen appears in her place. You get up from building a campfire. You turn and shudder as the Borg Queen is standing where your blushing bride once was only a moment earlier. I feel so wretched doing you dirty like that. I notice that Seven's tricorder is lying on the ground next to me. I pick it up and try to remember what she typed in to beam you and Xena to my location.

The Borg Queen wraps her arms around you and leans in for a hot dog and motor oil scented kissy. You lurch backward, "Get off me!" You yell. "Where's my wife?!"

I remember the coordinates, and type them in. Suddenly Xena and Hercules appear right in front of you. They are clutching their swords and are covered in the dust and blood of the battlefield.

Xena bares her teeth, "Get off my ex-boyfriend you freak!"

You look over, shocked, "Ex-boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend!" Xena yells.

Poor Hercules looks dumbfounded, "I thought you broke up with him."

"I DIDN'T!!" And with that she lunges at the Borg Queen, knocking her to the ground.

Suddenly a dozen drones appear, ready to defend their queen. Hercules throws you a sword and soon the three of you are slashing through her drones.

While you're all busy, I notice that the cookie is lying there on the ground, forgotten. I reach under the bush with a branch, and drag the neglected cookie to myself. "Looks like I'm the victor in this battle!" I whisper.

Ares materializes in front of the Borg Queen. He announces that he's claimed Earth for his own, and he won't be sharing it with anyone.

The Borg queen accepts defeat, "You win. I will surrender and make my way back to the Delta Quadrant. After all, I think Chakotay on Voyager is so dreamy. I think I'll pay him a little visit."

Suddenly The Borg Queen and her drones are beamed up to the cube, and in their place, your beloved Seven appears. You hold her to you, and ask if she's okay.

"I am Borg". She replies, "I will adapt."

Meanwhile, I'm crawling through the bushes, trying to get as far away as possible with the cookie without detection. I hear Martha Stewart has a hideout up here, where she stays when she's trying to avoid a warrant.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

It turns out that Martha's hideout is actually a chicken and waffles restaurant, named oddly enough, "Martha's Hideaway". Its a fifties themed affair with lots of faux deco, red vinyl and chrome trim.

Seriously disappointed in finding kitsch where you had hoped for a reinforced hidden bunker, you go inside anyways and order a milkshake. The server calls you "Doll". Its a strange country, perhaps that moniker is an honorific here, maybe meaning Lord and Master or something like that.

The Blueberry Crumble milkshake is indeed spectacular, songs will eventually be written about it. Soaking in the ambieance of the diner you start to feel pretty well, which makes sense, seeing as how you have managed to survive such a grueling day. As you sway to the imaginary music, suddenly something seems, well, not quite right.

Everyone in the diner has stopped moving and now is staring at you with dark intent, and thier unflinching gazes, attach upon you

"Mz. Rigsby, Mz. Elanor Rigsby?" The busboy asks you courteously.

"Welcome to the Continental
Mz. Rigsby, we do hope you will enjoy your stay."

Oh no! You have stumbled upon a kitsch diner in the middle of nowhere that is actually a summer camp for secret assassin ninjas from John Wick!

"If you would be so kind, Mz. Rigsby, I believe you have a certain cookie?"

You look around and realize its hopeless, and so pull the cookie out of your pocket and place it on the table.
Two surviving members of the village people and a scientist in a lab coat arrive to authenticate the cookie, using deadly lasers, 85% pure disco music, and high proof alcohol they determine that the cookie is actually supernatural, and is in fact, The Cookie.

"Tell Mr Happy that the unit is secure", says the scientist, locking the cookie in a briefcase and attaching it to the wrist of Uma Thurman with a locking bracelet.
Mz. Thurman goes out the front and straps on a tactical harness that's attached to a static line which is attached to a winch mounted in a blackhawk helicopter, hovering above the parking lot.

As you look up you see the winch operator is none other than yours truly, wearing a flight suit and a harness. As the lovely swordswoman reaches the platform you hear her say with a simpering giggle,
"Hi Daddy, I brought you a present!" Before she jumps into my waiting arms for a passionate kiss.

The helicopter flies away into the sunset leaving you surrounded by ninja assassins at the diner that didnt advertise, while i seek my destiny with Uma and....
The cookie.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

All seems just about lost, when I receive a call on my cellphone. "The clowns have gone commando!"

"What?!" I ask impatiently, "Is this some kind of joke?"

I hear arguing in the background of the call followed by a muffled 'OW!'. The caller continues: "Oh, I'm sorry, what I meant to say was, 'The clowns have gone rogue!'"

"Mister Brickles, is that you?" I ask in disbelief. He goes on to explain that he is the ringleader of your chuckle of clowns. The same chuckle, in fact that have foiled my plans time and again. It turns out that Dragonkin Larkspur, the leader of the hippies, met up with him at a music festival near the Trona Pinnacles, and swayed him to my cause.

"We pledge allegiance to you and you alone!" he assures me. I am flabbergasted. Before I can say anything, I hear a loud thud. The chuckle of clowns have shot a large cargo net up into the air. I flinch as I see the net wrap around you and Uma Thurman, and I watch in horror as you fall out of the helicopter and careen towards earth!

Not to worry. The clowns all gather around a large, multicolored firefighter's life net trampoline, they zig this way and that, and catch you safely, bouncing you into the back of their tiny clown car.

The driver gets out. It is Seven of Nine, and boy is she angry. "I require strong discourse with you." she says sternly. She unties the cargo net and pulls Uma out, and takes one glance at her, "And you..." Uma walks away sheepishly.

You are frisked by Seven of Nine, and she tells the clowns, "He does not have it." Suddenly the clowns all run after Uma, but being clowns, they are very clumsy, and all tumble into a heap.

Uma Thurman laughs and turns to get into a taxicab. That is when I slam the passenger door shut, and look her in the eye. I reach in her pocket, and retrieve the cookie. She makes a small move to grab it back, but I just shake my head at her. She flinches back, knowing better than to mess with a friend of America's favorite elderly crafter and ex-con biker chick.

I signal for the clowns to bring you over to the taxicab. Seven follows shortly behind. The three of you get in. I pay the driver, who turns out to be Xena, Warrior Princess, a very large tip up front to take you all wherever you want to go.

As the clowns all pile in the back of the tiny, polka-dotted Soviet Trabant, I get in the driver's seat, and go a mean 25 mph on the Canadian freeway, putt putting it back to the states.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

On the way back to the United States border, half of the clowns started kvetching about how badly they had to go to the bathroom, the other half whined that they were hungry. You know how clowns can be very much like small children. So to keep them from complaining, I pulled the polka dotted Soviet Trabant into a restaurant parking lot. I noticed that there was a church across the street.

We all tumbled into the restaurant. Literally tumbled. All the clowns were so eager to get into the restaurant that they forgot about those big shoes. So in the rush to go to the bathroom and eat (not at the same time), they all tripped over each other.

I rolled my eyes, and walked past the clowns. I noticed there were twenty-seven glossy 8x10 color photographs on the wall. They were all of a seeing-eye-dog. I asked the waiter about the photos. He said it was part of an exhibit by an artist named Opie, called "Blind Justice".

I then asked him what kind of food they serve at this restaurant. He said, "You can get anything you want."

I asked "What cuisine? Mexican, Chinese? Homestyle? Fast food?"

He replied, "You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant."

I then asked "Oh, I didn't see the sign. Is that the name of the restaurant?"

He replied, "No, not really. Alice lives across the street in the church."

"The church?" I asked incredulously. "So, she's like a pastor or something?"

"No", he went on, "She lives in the bell tower. I wouldn't recommend going over there. It's full of garbage. About a half ton of it."

"Oh that's too bad." I said, "Maybe my friends and I can haul all the trash to the dump."

"Oh no! Whatever you do, don't do that! This one fellow, Mr. @Skittlebisquit came through here yesterday, demanding that we feed him nothing but cookies. He didn't even eat them, he just picked through them, frustrated, and said none of them were the right cookie."

"I know that guy. He's having marital problems. He's learning the hard way that cyborgs don't like players. Anyway, getting back on the subject, what's this have to do with hauling garbage?" I asked.

"He's in jail for dumping a half ton of garbage down a cliff into a wildlife refuge." The waiter explained.

"I knew he was sneaky, but I never thought he'd do a thing like that!" I exclaimed.

The waiter went on, "Yeah, the judge said that he pled insanity. He had been up the whole night before, plotting on how to steal a cookie, and so when he heard about Alice's trash hoarding problem, and went to help, he didn't have his marbles about him. They got to the dump, and the dump was closed. I think he had low blood sugar or something, because he started yelling 'First no cookie, and now this??' So he drove the garbage to a gorge and dumped it off the side."

By this time, all the clowns were crowded around in the booth with me. While they were ordering their food, I left the table and walked down Whitehall Street to the jail. In the cell was @Skittlebisquit and all his female companions.

"Why'd you do it @Skittlebisquit ?" I asked.

"Because," you began, "All I've ever wanted was the cookie. All I ever wanted was to be the All American Kid From New York City".

"That doesn't explain anything." I interjected.

You continued, "After having three women yelling at me in that taxi cab, I feel hung down, brung down, hung up, and all kinds of mean, nasty things."

I feel sorry for you. "How much is the bail?" I ask.

You walk over towards me, and lean your head in resignation between the cold steel bars. "Fifty dollars. We already had to clean up the trash. Now we just have to pay the court fees to get out of here. And man do we need out. The guy in the next cell was screaming 'Massacree! Massacree!' all last night. It drove us all so crazy, that this morning, we had to go see the psychiatrist in room 604."

I give in. "Alright. I'll post bail. But no funny business!"

I walk into the ladies room, and stuff The Cookie into my inner coat pocket, where it'll be safe from you when you get out. I go over to the clerk and hand her a fifty dollar bill, and run out of the jail as fast as I can, back up Whitehall Street, to Alice's Restaurant.

The clowns are all crowded around the table, having a jolly time, eating all kinds of crazy foods, like whipped cream burritos, ice cream and gravy, and oatmeal fu yung. They are so busy singing "You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant!", that I know I'll never get them out of there before you and your mean girl entourage catch up and try to take The Cookie back.

I decide to ditch the clowns in Canada. I throw the keys to the Trabant on the seat and see a Lamborghini with the top down parked next to it. I jump in without opening the door, pull a screwdriver out of my pocket, rip some wires out from under the steering wheel, and before you're even out the front door of the Jail, tasting the sweet sunshine of freedom, I'm already speeding out of town.

The Cookie is safely in my clutches, the clowns are well fed, and I'm alone, unfollowed, within eyeshot of the border. Oh life is good.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Oh

I got in a lil trouble,
At the County See!
Well they threw me in the jail house,
For being to kind to greet!

When the Judge give the verdict
I was a guilty man!
He said "That'll be forty five dollars, or thirty days in the can".

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I'm crossing the US/Canada border, south of Vancouver BC. The friendly Canadian authorities, upon seeing my phony vaccine passport, let me right through, apologizing profusely. That's what Canadians do, right?

When I get through to the American side, the ICE officer is searching my trunk, looking for Canadian contraband, like, I don't know, logs or whatever else they export from there.

I notice he's humming along to some music playing in the background, "....or thirty days in the caaaaan....." I leisurely ask him, "Who's that on the radio?"

"Only the hottest new Canadian gangsta rapper, @Skittlebisquit , Jiggalo Extraordinaire!" He exclaimed. "His new album, 'Get the Cookie', is blowing up the charts! And his backup dancers aren't too shabby to look at either."

"Skittlebisquit..." I seethe through my teeth, "He's got to be plotting something."

The ICE officer looks concerned as I'm sitting in the driver's seat, muttering under my breath. "Now, uh madam, you don't have any contraband, or any drugs, or even foods you've brought across the border, do ya?"

"Oh yeah," I absentmindedly pull the cookie out of my pocket and show it to the officer.

"What's this?" He asks.

"It's just a cookie." I reply.

"You're funny, ma'am.", he laughs, "That thar aint nothin but a Canadian hockey puck.

I look down. Wrapped in Saran Wrap, is a hockey puck with Skittles glued to it.

I start beating the steering wheel, and yelling, "He must have taken it while I was visiting him in jail!"

The ICE officer squinted his eyes, "Ohhh kay, license and registration please?"

I knew this was coming. I am in a stolen Lamborghini. I was actually surprised he didn't notice that the lower half of the dashboard under steering column was missing. I look over at the garage: Horses. Yes. I can outrun horses.

I put it in gear and floor it right through the gate into Washington State. I'm flying down the 5, trying to figure out a side route to Martha Stewart's biker hideout. I do not want to hit Seattle traffic.

I hear something. What is that? Hoofbeats? It couldn't be.

Suddenly I see two horses flanking "my" car. One familiar voice calls out over my shoulder, "Madam, this is the United States Immigration and Naturalization Service. Pull over and put your hands up."

"Ha!" I floor it, but the horses stay flanking the car. The officers take turns whipping my hands with their reins. "Ow! Knock it off! That stings!"

"Oh you'll get a lot more from us than just slaps on the hand! Just you wait and see!" The officer warns.

I notice on the floor of the passenger seat, a bag of apples. Horses can't resist apples! This might work! While watching the road, I rip open the bag with my teeth and start flinging apples behind the car. It works! The horses rear up and turn towards the delicious, scrumptious apples.

Pretty soon, the horses are blocking the freeway in my rearview mirror, casually munching while I turn off the highway in Issaquah, towards the hills, and Martha Stewart's lair. I need to get that cookie back somehow.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Well, she did get that cookie back too, and all her friends got clear of the blast radius in time, and Martha Stewart?

Well let me tell you, ole "scissors" as they used to call her, fled the scene for parts unknown, driving a stolen pickup, that was pulling a stolen horse trailer, that actually had stolen horses in it. Now you may not know this, but those of us who have like "been around" we call that a triple Lindy.

That's in honor and homage both, see Linda was a crook, ( I'm not sure what the kids are calling it these days) and there was this film from a long time ago, about totally straight guys (who were all beautiful, and built and deeply tanned) and the triple Lindy is this totally impossible dive.....
Anyways....

@Yeshuasdaughter slipped in the side door of a rather sleazy little market, and literally caught me napping. I was basically resting my eyes, with my head down on my forearms, while this old fashioned stereo system played Bob Dylans greatest hits, vol 2. Over and over again. The tape has been stuck in the player since, uhm...well, really not sure, but I think;
sometime in the early ninties.

See the truth is I actually live in a sort of squishy place,
not like wet, but things are kind of more maleable. In a Way.(or,) in the way, it's hard to explain.
Ramble on metaphysical nonsense follows;

Well, technically this entire plane has alot of squishy places, or thin places if you like that better. Now Bardo, is a real place, I've been there, and in Bardo things are, well the thing is that....

Anyways, in my little micro universe, it's totally reasonable for old stereos to keep replaying the same tape, basically forever. The fancy-talk books,
call it manifestation,
or some such, we always called it something else.

I forget what now, it's been too long ago. I think I am the last one, or one of the last ones anyways. My theory is that there was a Great Spell that kept Us all kinda mopey and separated, but I digress.

Suffice it to say I have been alive for, well I'm not sure exactly, but quite awhile. I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Now please dont tell anyone, but i actually own the little store, i wont tell you the name, nor where it is. It's just a front of course. Yep you guessed it, another bunker. It's sort of an o.c.d. issue I guess. I dig holes in the ground, then fit them out, then stock them, . .........




Our people get creative sometimes with the names of things, and people too, lots of wierd nicknames and all that.

How does this amazing woman keep finding all my hideouts anyways? Its spooky, I tell you.

But she did find it, and snuck right past my guard turtle(her name is gustav)

and reached past the guitar [edit* to add :complicated metaphor^^^

leaning up and reached under the python, who is a good girl and always sleeps in her basket, and that@$$ stole my cookie, again!

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I steal the cookie by simply distracting everyone with cute cat videos on YouTube!