Has anyone else decided they don't want children?

[Sabrina]

I always wanted to have children BUT...
I also always knew that while they were little, I was not going to be able to work.
Why? Because I knew that I could not have both issues in my head. I was convinced (still are) that if I started working, I was going to forget about my kids. I was going to be the mom that left the baby inside a car under intense heat to later find out she was dead. I knew I was going to forget to feed them, give them medicines, etc, because my head would be in my work responsibilities.

I also never had any family members to help me out taking care of the kids. I didn’t count with my exhusband, who is an aspie, and totally absorbed in his work.

Now I’m separated and my youngest kid is eight. I know I have to figure out a way to make money, but I’m kind of lost at the moment in that aspect. I’m 44 years old and still don’t have anyone to help me out with the kids (they still need to have their meals prepared for them, both aspies, BTW, be driven everywhere, from school, to doctors, etc) and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to deal with this. One day at a time, I guess.

 

[Mary Anne]

To be honest I want children.
Or lets say a child. Not nessary more then one or two. I dont think as autism as something bad. With the right care and love there childhood can end up fine.
Something to consider is alot of work, therapy, special schools and special activitys. To be honest, I had a lovely childhood besides from the "normal" bully's, the pressure from school and other important task. So the posibility of having a child with autism doesnt close the posibility of wanting children at all for me. A child is a child, autistic, handicapped (body like and mentally), adhd or anything else or not. Besides that I always wanted to have a child. To teach them, give care to them and love them is a couple of the things I want to provide a child. My only doubt is getting one adopted or having my own.

Are you fully aware of the lowest end of the spectrum of autism and what that would mean financially, emotionally, and spiritually to a family? Have you thought yet of how your will pay and support a child to adulthood (mad perhaps a lifetime?) Especially if they were to be born with any kind of disabilities? Few who want children ever consider the costs. The costs also are put onto society if a family cannot support their child. Everyone pays for the disabled child.

Adopt. There are so many unwanted children in the world that are suffering in foster homes. They are abused, ignored, not fed right. My city of Chicago has thousands of them.

 

[Mark Smith]

I don’t want a girlfriend/wife in general. I’ve never been in a close, intimate relationship because my Asperger’s has made it significantly more difficult for me to have any type of interaction beyond a superficial level. But even in my experiences with having somewhat close relationships, being bullied and manipulated by people that I thought were close has made me realize that I’m better off being alone.

 

[Alis1998]

Are you fully aware of the lowest end of the spectrum of autism and what that would mean financially, emotionally, and spiritually to a family? Have you thought yet of how your will pay and support a child to adulthood (mad perhaps a lifetime?) Especially if they were to be born with any kind of disabilities? Few who want children ever consider the costs. The costs also are put onto society if a family cannot support their child. Everyone pays for the disabled child.

Adopt. There are so many unwanted children in the world that are suffering in foster homes. They are abused, ignored, not fed right. My city of Chicago has thousands of them.

Actually Im aware of that. It is actually quite rude if you didnt read another respond of mine. Besides that autism isnt really something bad. It is challanging. Besides the outcome of having an disabilad child (not autistic ofcourse ) or not I still have the right to abort the pregancy if there are really an horrible outcome wich cause the person to suffer in an inhuman way. Also, I have enough money, not coming from a poor familly and working since I was 13 years old. Besides that there are some regular incomes for a person with autism. For example pgb wich is used for therapy. A small income for workless people are also giving by the goverment wich are also giving for non ahtistic people. You should actually not try to inform me when Im in fact an almost 20 year old who isnt trying to get preganent yet at all. I actually can search up the cost, information about everything myself consindering I have the legal age of someone who can work, hire or buy a house and other important factors like paying insurances for example. Besides all of this, what you are saying is double sized about mental, physical and emotional struggles of a child with autism compared to a child who might have been abused by the system or who have been in foster famillys where they got abused. Everybody has mental, physical and emotional struggles.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

. Besides all of this, what you are saying is double sized about mental, physical and emotional struggles of a child with autism compared to a child who might have been abused by the system or who have been in foster famillys where they got abused. Everybody has mental, physical and emotional struggles.

I agree, anyway, the probability of having a child with a challenging condition for the family is on everyone.

 

[Mary Anne]

Actually Im aware of that. It is actually quite rude if you didnt read another respond of mine. Besides that autism isnt really something bad. It is challanging. Besides the outcome of having an disabilad child (not autistic ofcourse ) or not I still have the right to abort the pregancy if there are really an horrible outcome wich cause the person to suffer in an inhuman way. Also, I have enough money, not coming from a poor familly and working since I was 13 years old. Besides that there are some regular incomes for a person with autism. For example pgb wich is used for therapy. A small income for workless people are also giving by the goverment wich are also giving for non ahtistic people. You should actually not try to inform me when Im in fact an almost 20 year old who isnt trying to get preganent yet at all. I actually can search up the cost, information about everything myself consindering I have the legal age of someone who can work, hire or buy a house and other important factors like paying insurances for example. Besides all of this, what you are saying is double sized about mental, physical and emotional struggles of a child with autism compared to a child who might have been abused by the system or who have been in foster famillys where they got abused. Everybody has mental, physical and emotional struggles.

I am horrible with acronyms- what is pgb?
Ok, you do not have to be all defensive. Most young people have not thought these things through whatsoever! I was not “rude,” just direct and factually questioning. A child with 24/7 needs (of any kind) would require millions of dollars in costs over their lifetime. You and your family might not have that sort of money. Few do. Having a child with severe needs means you will not be able to work or have a normal life. Who will pay bills, rent, food? Will you marry a wealthy man first before having this child, or will you need to go on governmental aid in order to care for your child? Many people- both single parent and couples- need to go on assistance when they have children they find out they cannot afford. Assistance never pays enough, and it’s always a struggle.

Perhaps your parents/family can provide financial and housing plus assist in the care of your child/children. This is usually an optimum environment to raise a child. By all means take advantage of this.

I was not targeting severe autism per say, but autism is genetically passed down and one should not be so cavelike in assuming that it will be easy to care for. It’s not easy to care for a normal child! It’s not easy in any way, and especially if you have sensory issues, have post partum depression, and are stressed.

I have worked with abused foster children of the system. I have worked with children and adults with severe trauma, disability, mental illness, and so much more. I worked in a prison where many wind up due to their trauma filled, poverty, and abused lives. I work in the mental health and social services field in the third largest city of the USA. I have seen parents who could not cope with their lives and wind up in extreme situations, with their children removed from the home.

I am glad you have such a bright outlook. I am jaded - but realistic. I have seen far too much unhappiness, and unhealthiness due to people having children when it is clear they should not have done so. I was also one of those children from an outwardly appearing “nice” suburban home of strong Catholic faith- in which there was severe physical and mental abuse to all us children. It has taken over 28 years of therapy for me to get over it. I was pregnant the first time I had sex (!) at age 20. I am nearly 62 now. I can speak with some wisdom and advice -whether you like it or not.

If you will raise one, then please adopt one that others threw away, or could not raise for whatever reasons.

 

[Bella Pines]

Maybe it would be even worst for a parent on the spectrum to have a NT child , I mean, it may be harder to connect ?

I thought that was going to be the case but it turned out fine. I just need to make the effort to find something worth connecting over. And because I pay the bills and drive the car, I get to choose! So I'm still black and white, all or nothing and I largely ignore them, but we connect over special things. The kids do themed terms at school so we've been to museums to study Egypt and Dinosaurs and we build lego together.

My eldest does have some aspie traits, so I help him through them. Recently I had to explain to him why it is not okay to say to his best friend, "you're starting to be bothersome and high maintenance, I'm thinking of finding a new friend". Tears... Other parents phoning me. Worked out fine in the end. My husband taught him not to say that and to be nicer to his friends, I taught him how to drop friends without all the associated drama.

I think that parenting is as good or bad as you make it. There are big challenges for me, but then my husband, who is as NT as anyone can get, also has challenges. Just different ones. In fact every parent I know has challenges, many FAR worst than mine

 

[Gracey]

A non-asd child will follow a relatively linear path with regard to developmental ages and stages.
(in the absence of any other conditions that would affect such)

There is much information out there on what those are and so easy to offer opportunity to gain skills, track and keep an eye on.

I’d agree with @bellapines above, the children are always learning more,
It’s the perfect opportunity to connect and work closely with each other.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I didn't decide not to have children; I simply realized at some point that it wasn't going to happen.

 

[Appleslime]

I am just curious how many other folks out there have decided against having children. I know that I have because I wouldn't want to put anyone through the kind of hell that I had to go through as a child and adult. There is too great a chance for me passing autism on to a child and it's probably best for me to end my lineage with me. I don't see myself even adopting because I struggle to take care of myself, let alone a young one in need of care. The world is overpopulated anyway and there is no compelling need for us as a species to reproduce like rabbits.

I have 3, love them to pieces but if I could fur. The clock back I wouldn't have had children. Sounds like a horrible thing to say but I certainly don't wish anything bad to happen to them. The anx of having kids is intense. The love you have for them is intense. The struggles it brings is unbelievable and the judgement you get for being anything less than perfect is horrible. I struggle with every aspect of being a mum

 

[ronald1957]

That's a pretty deep question... and the comments to this thread are really honest about coping with this issue.. My mom put an ad in the paper about giving me and brothers away. I can't believe a paper actually printed it!.Yet the phone started ringing, and mom was in a frantic melt down telling everyone, she changed her mind. Don't judge, " wait until you have kids!". No.... I'll pass.

 

[Isadoorian]

I agree with most of the responses here. I've never wanted children for all the same reasons. Being childless is an absolute gift for a woman.

ChildFree is the term you'd want to use; Childless means having no childen but wanting

 

[Sid Delicious]

I love kids once they've passed the early baby stage and become more interactive, but couldn't have my own (physically or dealing with it mentally). I did very briefly consider adoption, but I've never dated anyone that I thought could cope with being a father, and even early on I had no desire to be a single mother. Like others have said, you need to have several things in place before really considering bringing up a child. I also think I would be far better suited to the typical 'dad' role of going out and earning money rather than being the stay at home mum. Again, you'd need to be in a relationship with someone who was fine with that, which I never have.

Luckily, I have a big family and in the last couple of years my generation have started to marry and produce tiny people for my entertainment. So if I ever do feel like spending time around kids, then they are always happy to hand them over to me for the day.

 

[Noelle]

Ok, at last I will admit it, I DON'T LIKE children. It was always lurking at the back of my mind like an embarrassed whisper.

However, if I see a child being mistreated etc, I cannot just stand back and let it happen. I have to try and say something and I HATE the abuse of children. But other than that, I have groaned inside each time, I was lumbered with a child to "keep them busy" and it seems I do a good job ie: you are so natural with children. Ahh, perhaps because I am a child lol

Suzanne- I am exactly the same. I worked with kids for 7 years and was always told I was so good with them. I guess I can put on a pretty good show, but I cannot stand the thought of having children around me at home-- in my zen place. 100% no kids.

 

[FreeDiver]

Suzanne- I am exactly the same. I worked with kids for 7 years and was always told I was so good with them. I guess I can put on a pretty good show, but I cannot stand the thought of having children around me at home-- in my zen place. 100% no kids.

I think that a lot of us wouldn't mind having kids if they came with an on/off switch. It would be nice if we could just put them to bed and turn them off and keep them off until we are ready to deal with them. As I've sad in previous posts. Who wants to woke up at 3 o' clock in the morning to a screaming kid.

 

[Alis1998]

I am horrible with acronyms- what is pgb?
Ok, you do not have to be all defensive. Most young people have not thought these things through whatsoever! I was not “rude,” just direct and factually questioning. A child with 24/7 needs (of any kind) would require millions of dollars in costs over their lifetime. You and your family might not have that sort of money. Few do. Having a child with severe needs means you will not be able to work or have a normal life. Who will pay bills, rent, food? Will you marry a wealthy man first before having this child, or will you need to go on governmental aid in order to care for your child? Many people- both single parent and couples- need to go on assistance when they have children they find out they cannot afford. Assistance never pays enough, and it’s always a struggle.

Perhaps your parents/family can provide financial and housing plus assist in the care of your child/children. This is usually an optimum environment to raise a child. By all means take advantage of this.

I was not targeting severe autism per say, but autism is genetically passed down and one should not be so cavelike in assuming that it will be easy to care for. It’s not easy to care for a normal child! It’s not easy in any way, and especially if you have sensory issues, have post partum depression, and are stressed.

I have worked with abused foster children of the system. I have worked with children and adults with severe trauma, disability, mental illness, and so much more. I worked in a prison where many wind up due to their trauma filled, poverty, and abused lives. I work in the mental health and social services field in the third largest city of the USA. I have seen parents who could not cope with their lives and wind up in extreme situations, with their children removed from the home.

I am glad you have such a bright outlook. I am jaded - but realistic. I have seen far too much unhappiness, and unhealthiness due to people having children when it is clear they should not have done so. I was also one of those children from an outwardly appearing “nice” suburban home of strong Catholic faith- in which there was severe physical and mental abuse to all us children. It has taken over 28 years of therapy for me to get over it. I was pregnant the first time I had sex (!) at age 20. I am nearly 62 now. I can speak with some wisdom and advice -whether you like it or not.

If you will raise one, then please adopt one that others threw away, or could not raise for whatever reasons.

It is what you call defensive. I actually dont think I was defensive at all, just like you think you wasnt rude. PGB is a shortcut for "persoons gebonden budget" wich is translated to in my own words (consindering litteral translation is not the best) to: personal guidende budget. It is a kinda like an insurance if you think about it. You can get for example therapy sessions covered by that. But you dont pay pgb alot at all. Sometimes when nessary. It doesnt cover every therapy form, depending on your situation. For example what Iknow is that for example asino therapy is covered but not special fysio therapy with only touch (I forgot the special name in it in dutch, there fore I cant search it up in english).

Coming back to taking care of a child. I never said it was easy, nor did I said that I will not accept any help. besides that, Iknow how autism can affect multipule people. But you never can say that duo to my autism that I cant take care of a child. I Dont need wisedom nor advice from a stranger when I didnt asked for it. I have plently of people around me who can guide me throug it. Im sorry if that sounds rude, but Im just saying that I found your comment not nessarly intresting to me.

Edit: I dont want to say it isnt important what you say, or that it comes from a bad place.
Remember that I wanted to come off as normal, and not nessarly negative. I am kinda right now in a transition from stress to relaxing wich is a diffrent proces for me at the moment consindering my meds.

 

[owlet]

I don't want children. I definitely don't want to be pregnant (the idea is very unsettling to me), but even if I could adopt I wouldn't want to. To raise a child properly, they become your main focus in life and you have to sacrifice your life for theirs. Yes, you're supposed to enjoy the time you spend with them, but there's no choice: once you have the child, that's it, you have to do what's best for them no matter what. It makes my stomach sink to think of that.

 

[Phanelope]

I don't want children. I definitely don't want to be pregnant (the idea is very unsettling to me), but even if I could adopt I wouldn't want to. To raise a child properly, they become your main focus in life and you have to sacrifice your life for theirs. Yes, you're supposed to enjoy the time you spend with them, but there's no choice: once you have the child, that's it, you have to do what's best for them no matter what. It makes my stomach sink to think of that.

I came to realise this after having 4! It’s not that I don’t love them to bits, it’s that I do love them to bits. I don’t think I can give them what they need, despite trying my hardest. My best isn’t good enough, and they deserve better. If I could go back in time I wouldn’t have children. But I would hope the memory of them would also be erased as I would miss them terribly.

 

[Lily Muffet]

I am just curious how many other folks out there have decided against having children. I know that I have because I wouldn't want to put anyone through the kind of hell that I had to go through as a child and adult. There is too great a chance for me passing autism on to a child and it's probably best for me to end my lineage with me. I don't see myself even adopting because I struggle to take care of myself, let alone a young one in need of care. The world is overpopulated anyway and there is no compelling need for us as a species to reproduce like rabbits.

Hi Mattymatt, I have to agree with everything you say. Don't feel bad. I don't know why we are treated like we've got two heads if we dare say that we don't want children. I have two grown up children and with my undiagnosed Asperger's, Ehlers-Danlos and a bunch of other problems it was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course I love them dearly, but the struggles that they have been through, the trauma they suffered whilst growing up undiagnosed and with the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome as well has been torturous to watch. They are now struggling and I am struggling to support them adequately too.
My daughter recently made the decision to be sterilised. A very brave decision and one she had thought about in great depth and for many years. She knew it was the best decision for her and she also had to fight tooth and nail to get the operation. She has had to face so many negative commentsand criticism from people - it's quite astounding. But it was the one thing she could actually have control over in her life. Who would look after a baby/toddler/teenager/adult for her when she was unable to? Granny and Grandad wouldn't be able to either. And what about knowingly passing on all our genetic illnesses? She made that decision and it was her right. We shouldn't have to fight for the right NOT to have children.

 

[Mattymatt]

Hi Mattymatt, I have to agree with everything you say. Don't feel bad. I don't know why we are treated like we've got two heads if we dare say that we don't want children. I have two grown up children and with my undiagnosed Asperger's, Ehlers-Danlos and a bunch of other problems it was truly the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course I love them dearly, but the struggles that they have been through, the trauma they suffered whilst growing up undiagnosed and with the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome as well has been torturous to watch. They are now struggling and I am struggling to support them adequately too.
My daughter recently made the decision to be sterilised. A very brave decision and one she had thought about in great depth and for many years. She knew it was the best decision for her and she also had to fight tooth and nail to get the operation. She has had to face so many negative commentsand criticism from people - it's quite astounding. But it was the one thing she could actually have control over in her life. Who would look after a baby/toddler/teenager/adult for her when she was unable to? Granny and Grandad wouldn't be able to either. And what about knowingly passing on all our genetic illnesses? She made that decision and it was her right. We shouldn't have to fight for the right NOT to have children.

Thank you @Lily Muffet. Surprisingly, I am getting no push back for my decision not to have children. My mom is incredibly supportive of me has complimented me on my responsible thinking. Well, let's face it, I am in no immediate danger of siring any children because relationships do not come easily to me at all and the longest one I've ever had lasted only 6 months. As I get older, I am more set in my ways and less willing to settle for something I don't want which I probably feel more intensely as a result of being on the spectrum. I will probably never marry because it will take a super woman to put up with me - I would not be an easy person to live with. Even though I am only 41 years old, my life's experiences have aged me well beyond my physical age.