Has the time passed for me to ever get a girlfriend?

[Markness]

But how can I focus on other things when I am constantly reminded of the girlfriend issue and I am often lonely? It's a vicious cycle and it makes me feel like I will suffer until I die.

 

[Cazelle]

Hi Markness, I think you need a more positive relationship with yourself before you get a girlfriend. I worry that even if you entered into a relationship right now that your self-perception would lead you to think of all the reasons she should leave you and you'd be back at square one quickly. You are clearly an articulate person with dreams and passion and that is a great place to start. You have your own transport, great, that's a good step towards independence.

Also, do remember that the rest of the world is not necessarily always as religious as where you are now. I can't actually imagine living where being a non-Christian makes you a minority. Maybe if you feel this has such an impact on your ability to form a relationship with someone then you could aim to move somewhere where you can be yourself a bit more freely.

 

[GadAbout]

But how can I focus on other things when I am constantly reminded of the girlfriend issue and I am often lonely? It's a vicious cycle and it makes me feel like I will suffer until I die.

Let me put on my psychoanalyst hat for a moment. I think your fixation on a female love interest is related to a strained relationship with your original female love interest - your mother. You long for that which you never got, and you feel that "if only" you were loved in that essential way, everything else will fall into place and be all right.

Your mother, as you have described her, is controlling and frequently negative or dismissive toward you. It also seems that she may have shown favoritism toward your older brother, who apparently is neurotypical. She takes your disability income, keeps you living at home with her, and sabotages every effort you could make towards independence, thereby keeping you a virtual child.

As long as this infantile need remains an open wound, you will not be able to have a relationship with an adult woman. Nor will you be able to shake off this obsession with having a girlfriend. The incest taboo prevents you from obsessing about having your mother's love (which she probably never could give, anyway) so you displace that un-met need onto an unrelated woman.

The cure? It's as simple as "Grow up." Step by step, take back your Social Security away from your mother, try to apply for other jobs than the part-time one you can never advance in, and look into moving away from her household. Reassure yourself that you will make mistakes along the way, and that's okay.

 

[Markness]

Hi Markness, I think you need a more positive relationship with yourself before you get a girlfriend. I worry that even if you entered into a relationship right now that your self-perception would lead you to think of all the reasons she should leave you and you'd be back at square one quickly. You are clearly an articulate person with dreams and passion and that is a great place to start. You have your own transport, great, that's a good step towards independence.

Also, do remember that the rest of the world is not necessarily always as religious as where you are now. I can't actually imagine living where being a non-Christian makes you a minority. Maybe if you feel this has such an impact on your ability to form a relationship with someone then you could aim to move somewhere where you can be yourself a bit more freely.

Besides not having a girlfriend, I hate how my interest in music has not translated to talent at playing the guitar nor has liking art translated to being good at drawing. Whenever I try these things, I struggle with them to the point the frustration makes me feel like I am always going to fail at them. I also feel like my brain can't make any new neural pathways; I sometimes wonder if Aspergers prevents neuroplasticity in my brain.

I don't think I would feel like my potential girlfriend should leave me. I would be glad she chose me instead of a stupid and aggressive jock or "bad boy".

 

[Cazelle]

I hate how my interest in music has not translated to talent at playing the guitar nor has liking art translated to being good at drawing. Whenever I try these things, I struggle with them to the point the frustration makes me feel like I am always going to fail at them.

Both music and drawing are an art form, and neither need to be done perfectly to be meaningful or beautiful. I doodle as a form of stress relief - would I objectively be considered a good artist? Definitely not, but my drawings are good because they work for ME. Have you tried different instruments or different types of music to see if you can get a sound that you are happy with? Have you played with different colours, brushes, pencils, paper-types?

What are you good at, Markness? What do you like to do, feel good doing, and like the result of?

 

[Markness]

Both music and drawing are an art form, and neither need to be done perfectly to be meaningful or beautiful. I doodle as a form of stress relief - would I objectively be considered a good artist? Definitely not, but my drawings are good because they work for ME. Have you tried different instruments or different types of music to see if you can get a sound that you are happy with? Have you played with different colours, brushes, pencils, paper-types?

What are you good at, Markness? What do you like to do, feel good doing, and like the result of?

I have played different instruments, mostly for school band practice but I struggle with reading sheet music (I will actually feel physical pain in my forehead when I try to read it), I get frustrated easily because playing a song will feel like I am taking too long to learn it and the day is slipping through my fingers like sand, and my mental energy gets drained extremely fast. I have tried different things when it comes to drawing but I get frustrated in the same way I do with music.

I honestly don't know. I always see flaws in everything I do and my mind is constantly thinking about the things that make me depressed. I could be playing a video game and still think about someone from work saying something mean to me.

 

[sisselcakes]

But how can I focus on other things when I am constantly reminded of the girlfriend issue and I am often lonely? It's a vicious cycle and it makes me feel like I will suffer until I die.

Hi Markness,

I'm an NT, attractive, outgoing, and intelligent. In spite of this, I've also had trouble dating. I am currently in limbo with my ASD bf of 4 years. We are trying to figure things out. Before meeting him, I had the hardest time meeting someone I was compatible with. To this day I can't figure out why it was so hard for me and so easy for others.

Having said that, I can relate to your feeling lonely and frustrated. I would get so angry at "god", "the universe", or whatever higher power is out there because I felt it was supremely unfair. I mean, I would rage about it. I later realized that when my depression wasn't properly treated, I felt much lonelier.

I don't really have any great answer for you, but if my bf and I decide to end things definitively, I've decided I need to find groups (like on meetup.com) where I can expose myself to people with similar interests. That might be a place to start.

 

[Markness]

I don't really have any great answer for you, but if my bf and I decide to end things definitively, I've decided I need to find groups (like on meetup.com) where I can expose myself to people with similar interests. That might be a place to start.

Meet Up has been a disappointing platform for me. There are no good social groups in my area. They are mostly for elderly people and hyper religious people. One group that was different I used to be a member of until a few months ago because I got burned out on being the odd man out (I don't drink or smoke) and the leader's girlfriend talked negatively about me.

I attended an Aspergers Meet Up group in Austin two times and both times were disappointing. There were only middle aged and elderly men the first time I went and I kept getting sidelined the second time.

 

[Markness]

I was recommended to go to a coffee house as an alternative to a bar since I don't drink or go stupidly crazy for football. I went to the coffee house I was recommended and not only was I not welcomed, everyone inside was staring into their cellphones even if they had company on them. I am going to turn 31 without a girlfriend in my life.

 

[Markness]

My 31st birthday is coming but I still don't have a girlfriend. I don't want a celebration because of this.

 

[GadAbout]

My 31st birthday is coming but I still don't have a girlfriend. I don't want a celebration because of this.

In the past year, what have you done to change this?

 

[Markness]

In the past year, what have you done to change this?

I've tried to go out socially as well as started going back to a gym after being away from one for years.

 

[GadAbout]

I've tried to go out socially as well as started going back to a gym after being away from one for years.

A great start! I know you're not where you want to be, but keep working at it.

 

[Markness]

A great start! I know you're not where you want to be, but keep working at it.

They aren't new things for me, though, and historically they have been very disappointing endeavors. I hate how my 31st year will start with me still being single and unhappy.

 

[GadAbout]

They aren't new things for me, though, and historically they have been very disappointing endeavors. I hate how my 31st year will start with me still being single and unhappy.

OK, Eeyore, have it your way.

 

[Markness]

I feel like I am going to think about my singlehood and loneliness until I finally die.

 

[Wolfnox]

I relate to what you say. I wonder what that would be like. To date and have a life with a woman i truly loved. My advice dont lose faith in yourself. If this your goal build toward it. Believe you will get there. Keep faith that it will happen.

 

[Markness]

I relate to what you say. I wonder what that would be like. To date and have a life with a woman i truly loved. My advice dont lose faith in yourself. If this your goal build toward it. Believe you will get there. Keep faith that it will happen.

I was always told things like "There is someone for everyone!", "God has a plan for you.", "Just be patient. Girls get tired of the bad boys.", "Your kindness will get you a girlfriend.", and "You'll meet a girlfriend in college!" but instead I've gone through 13 years of depression and loneliness.

 

[Wolfnox]

I went threw that. But who are you to a woman? Are you a man who carries forward threw hardship? Time alone is spent finding out who you really are. Fight the depression. Fight the loneliness. Mold yourself into a better man. Have faith the woman in you seek is out there. Dont give into despair fight for your dream.

 

[Markness]

I feel like a lost soul. I was born to a backwards and anti-intellectual culture that thinks a sky daddy directs human lives while my instinct pointed elsewhere but it was denied by the people around me.