Have you ever had struggles being yourself?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Because you felt some pressure to fit some box or be what people expect?
I really struggling with this because it is a complex ptsd trigger for me as well where I do not feel seen yet feel pressure to see and relate to everyone else.
And I always feel hurt by the boxes I am expected to fit.
And I always feel like my autistic struggles and needs are wrong.
I feel so much pressure and really low.
I just want to be myself, have someone validate me and tell me my struggles are valid and just do your best.
It is really hard too having the illness I do. I cannot handle a lot of stress and pressure. I feel like too if I want to be single right now I should be able to be until I totally feel ready.
But at the same time I just want someone to throw their arms around me and say I love you Laura, I am a friend for life, you can trust me and I'll never betray your trust and thank you for what you do, I got something good out of it and am very grateful.
And your feelings, struggles and illness and valid and you'll be ok.

 

[Outdated]

I think most of us struggle with this from time to time. A battle between fitting in with society and retaining our sense of self. At the moment for me the loneliness is winning but it swings back and forth.

 

[Rodafina]

@lovely_darlingprettybaby, your feelings, struggles and illness are valid and you'll be ok.

Really. Absolutely valid. You’ll be okay in the end, and if you’re not okay, it’s not the end.

That’s a phrase someone said to me once and it helped. Keep growing, learning about yourself, and guiding yourself toward contentment, security, and happiness.

Your needs are important, but only you can make sure that they are fulfilled.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Well, one thing I've realized is that there are pros and cons to acting in alignment with your true spirit, especially for those of us with ASD. For some, this could risk isolation, alienation, withdrawal, or other unintended consequences, but I also think there's so much to gain on the other side that there's no reason not to risk those things.

Your true feelings are never wrong; in fact, they might be a compass pointing you in the best direction of all. If we all leaned into these feelings without the fear of what could happen, we might actually become our best selves of all.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

One thing I have said many times here: Be yourself and find your own path. This is core to the meaning of "autism", it is literally Greek for the word "auto" or "self". Neurotypicals thrive on the comfort of "sameness", and to some extent, we do as well, but the neurotypical world takes it to a much higher level. Tribalism, racism, discrimination, bullying, etc are an extension of their need for "sameness", and if you are not fitting into their little mold, whatever it is, you are going to be identified, targeted, and marginalized, at the very least. Every law, policy, procedure, guideline, rule, etc is nothing more than a method of creating "sameness". The world we live in is NOT designed for the neurodivergent or autistic. However, and this is a big slap in their face, is that NO ONE, ever, in the history of mankind, has ever made advances in the sciences and arts by being the same. It's neurodivergency, new ideas, and even autism that drives knowledge and humanity forward. The risks of doing something different is almost always, being targeted, discredited, bullied, undermined, threatened, etc. Elon Musk is an extreme example of an autistic that, for most of his life, has been perpetually targeted. He's doing something different, and that is not tolerated. He's living a very public and extreme version of the autism experience. He's got the mainstream media, the social media, Wall Street short-sellers, and the big corporate interests that are trying to beat him down from every angle. If you believe the BS, then you're going to hate him. If you can see what he is trying to accomplish for humanity, you're going to love him. What I love about his attitude, is his ability to just brush off these attacks, fight back when he needs to, and keep moving forward. There is no "quit" or taking "no" for an answer. He meets resistance, he pivots, and like many Chess masters, is seemingly 10 steps ahead of everyone else because he's played the game in his head sometimes years ahead of when he has to actually play it.

1. Even though there is some wisdom to the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans.", do this as best you can when you are in an environment that expects this. For example, when at work and you have to put on a mask of "professionalism" for your clients and customers. Otherwise, your time is your time, do what you want, think the way you want to think, and if you can, do something different, create something different, be yourself.

2. Validation: a fool's errand, a waste mental energy, and fraught with disappointment. Most people don't care about your "issues". As autistics, we may be struggling with many things, but the reality is that most people are not interested in our struggles, only our results. It sort of reminds me of when you see a duck out on the water. On the top, you may seem calm and relaxed, but under the surface the little feet are paddling like crazy. This is our lot in life.

 

[Misty Avich]

I panic if people don't let me express my feelings. If I'm worried about something I always like to talk about it to someone, but people just dismiss it with a "stop worrying!" in a non-sympathetic way, like they think I can just switch off my emotions like a light switch.
This is where I don't believe empathy is relevant with whether you're NT or not, because in my experience all NTs worry about stuff but if you're worrying about something an NT individual isn't about then they think you shouldn't worry and just "ignore/deal with it". Not all NTs do this in all situations but most NTs do it in most situations. Mostly they can only see your perspective if they're feeling the same way.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I panic if people don't let me express my feelings. If I'm worried about something I always like to talk about it to someone, but people just dismiss it with a "stop worrying!" in a non-sympathetic way, like they think I can just switch off my emotions like a light switch.
This is where I don't believe empathy is relevant with whether you're NT or not, because in my experience all NTs worry about stuff but if you're worrying about something an NT individual isn't about then they think you shouldn't worry and just "ignore/deal with it". Not all NTs do this in all situations but most NTs do it in most situations. Mostly they can only see your perspective if they're feeling the same way.

In general, there are two types of people. Externalizers and internalizers. For externalizers, they need the "release" of emotions, or else "their head will explode". For internalizers, emotions are deeply distracting, means a "loss of control", and is interpreted as "bad". Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an internalizer. I feel things very deeply, but any expression of feeling means a "loss of control" with resultant negative consequences. It's been this way my entire life. I am very much an informal student of Stoicism.

That said, for externalizers, they have to be careful with whom they express their feelings to, and in which environment. For example, the work environment is NOT the place, whereas, outside of work may be. Your co-workers don't care about your issues, only your results. If an externalizer is "venting" to an internalizer, they will be seen as someone who has "a lack of self-control and discipline", introduces an element of "unpredictability", and then a negative judgement is placed upon them. Externalizers tend to struggle professionally and are often passed over for advancements in their career for just this reason.

So, it has less to do with NDs vs NTs, as it does externalizing personalities vs internalizing personalities, as well as, the specific environment.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm an externaliser then. I always have been.
I have ADHD so my head is always buzzing with thoughts and emotions and I must let them out.
When I was a child and adolescent I was called "the moaner" because I was always whining in a high-pitched tone. It wasn't until I was in my late teens when I learnt how to whine less and if I do want to whine to use a different tone of voice and only if others are feeling the same.
Obviously if you're more popular and higher in the social pecking order you can whine and complain in a whiny tone of voice as much as you can and people will listen politely. But when you're weak and unpopular like me people don't want to hear about your feelings and they think it's OK to just say "oh quit whining" and turn their back on you.

So different rules apply to different people. If you're a popular, extroverted NT with a strong personality, you don't have to follow any of the rules and can basically do what you like. When you're socially awkward and unpopular then you have to follow the rules more religiously, which can seem unfair and isolating.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Obviously if you're more popular and higher in the social pecking order you can whine and complain in a whiny tone of voice as much as you can and people will listen politely. But when you're weak and unpopular like me people don't want to hear about your feelings and they think it's OK to just say "oh quit whining" and turn their back on you.

So different rules apply to different people. If you're a popular, extroverted NT with a strong personality, you don't have to follow any of the rules and can basically do what you like. When you're socially awkward and unpopular then you have to follow the rules more religiously, which can seem unfair and isolating.

In the professional world, in my world, even with strong personalities, of which I have many that are, externalizers tend to struggle with advancement in their careers. I'm thinking of one of my co-workers right now, highly extroverted, always in some sort of emotional conversation with someone, high-energy personality, AND extremely capable at her job. That said, she introduces an element of "chaos" when it comes to decision-making and interpersonal interactions that the supervisors and managers have quietly expressed that they would rather not deal with on a daily basis. I don't see her advancing in her career.

I would agree with what you are saying with regards to how people interpret emotional content when it comes to social "the pecking order". If you are an extrovert and have a large group of friends around you, then you can get away with certain types of behavior that an introvert without that support system can.

So, what you've introduced is another element here. 4 basic personality types. Externalizing-extrovert (my co-worker), externalizing-introvert (you), internalizing-extrovert (my manager), internalizing-introvert (me).

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

When younger I was so afraid of constant judgement and rejection that I lost myself trying to please everybody. I had no agency and failed to grow. The turning point for me was leaving home to live independently. Slowly I learned to advocate for myself, helped by learning skills in risky activities and success in my research.

 

[Aspychata]

I am a externalizing introvert which feels like a contradiction a 100% of the time. But l tend to brainstorm talking out situations even though being isolated helps me recharge. Fitting in only to get by in society. Sometimes norms become my norm as just a easier way to exist. But helping others is my guiding principle. This helps me feel more in touch with life, and l don't care if l fit in or not for the most part.

 

[Luca]

Being myself, expressing myself, and living my life the way I want are not hard at all for me.

Trying to pretend to be what everyone else wants me to be is hard. People trying to change me and tame me is even harder.

It’s hard to not want to please everyone, and fit in, but fitting into the box that society tries to put us in comes at the cost of never being truly happy.

 

[Kisa the tea]

Quite a lot. I hide many things, particularly my interests, due to fear of being made fun of.

 

[AspieChris]

I doubt that I have ever been allowed to be myself. Maybe tiny aspects of my personality have come out, but only when it benefited someone else (like my boss). And now I have so many commitments from trying to be like everyone else that my whole life would crumble and fall apart if I even tried to find myself.Marriage, fatherhood, career, etc. They’re all so entangled with the person I have tried to be for so long that I really have no choice but to keep up the façade.

When I do break down and start spilling the truth to my wife, she gets scared. So I try not to tell her too much. I had a therapist 30 years ago who wanted to hospitalize me after one session.

Being myself? I don’t even know what that could mean anymore.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Quite a lot. I hide many things, particularly my interests, due to fear of being made fun of.

That is sad to me. On here you seem such a gentle soul that I cannot imagine you being mocked.

 

[Xinyta]

I think I deal with that everyday. Though I think it's because at some level, I want to refuse to believe I have Asperger's/Autism. That all my problems are purely psychological and I am not trying hard enough. But reality is making me realize that I am shooting myself in the foot doing that.

Though it's not all me. I think my Uncle got me believing that. That alot of my 'weird' things are all psychological programming and have nothing to do with having Asperger's/Autism. Though he is starting to see that isn't the case at all lately and that my Aunt was right about what's going on with me. That I am not like typical people where I can just KNOW what's up in socail stuff.

I think my struggle is that I am trying too hard to be something that isn't possible, and burning myself out in the process. Society's collective definition of "normal". Which is on it's own flawed to begin with.

I am too scared to be myself openly. And that was due to a number of factors. One was that use to not know what was wrong. Only that I wasn't a typical normal child. The second was just being mentally and emotionally shelved by my parents. Outside necessities like clothes, food, shelter, medical, and schooling. I was otherwise ignored once my half-siblings came along. They did what they needed to as parents, but nothing beyond that. No love, no caring for my wellbeing, no trying to understand anything about why I did what I did.

So yes. I know this struggle too well.

 

[Shevek]

To have a girlfriend, I'd just try to not contradict what she thought she saw in me. Around age 40, I made that specific complaint - that I felt like I was in a box with one woman. One night, I was inspired to tell her about a bigger world, and she said she'd never forget it, but she broke up with me anyway. By my mid 50s, I'd learned to be myself pretty much, and had the best of my relationships, but also saw it wasn't what I wanted, and was the first to let it go, for the 1st time.

 

[elgat0verde]

I feel like I could've written this myself

I am currently going through the exact same situation, and it's horrible and daunting.

In my particular case, I was forced into being "neurotypical" by my own parents, and that's a trauma that has been with me all my life up until now.

Every day I feel pressure in my head from my inner battle with myself of acting how I am and not how I was expected to be all my life. I have horrible headaches, stomachaches, my chest feels like it's gonna burst open and spill my heart to the ground...

Wish I could help you and give you advice, but I am lost as well. I also wish I had a friend that would understand and hug me when I am feeling down. The people I surrounded myself with were far from friendly, and I started doing things like drinking (which I became addicted to) to be accepted.

I do hope your life gets better, Laura, and I do hope you are able to get out of this horrible swamp and find better waters for your personal boat.

Much love to you, keep shining star

 

[AspieChris]

To have a girlfriend, I'd just try to not contradict what she thought she saw in me. Around age 40, I made that specific complaint - that I felt like I was in a box with one woman. One night, I was inspired to tell her about a bigger world, and she said she'd never forget it, but she broke up with me anyway. By my mid 50s, I'd learned to be myself pretty much, and had the best of my relationships, but also saw it wasn't what I wanted, and was the first to let it go, for the 1st time.

Funny (or not exactly funny I guess), I have been the person to end every romantic relationship I have had since the 4th grade. And they all begged me to stay. I’m not proud of it. Watching a good person in pain because of me was always heart-wrenching.

I have always been very handy. Fixing cars, plumbing, electronics, etc. I guess I got a pass on my quirks because I could be awesome at times.

 

[AprilR]

I spend most of my life acting bc i don't live in a society where disabled people are treated as equal. Even my parents and family are scared of autism and i have to hide who i am for all my life. Its a sad life but if i did not do this i would be a social outcast and my parents would also be shunned.