Have you ever had struggles being yourself?

[Ken]

Because you felt some pressure to fit some box or be what people expect?
I really struggling with this because it is a complex ptsd trigger for me as well where I do not feel seen yet feel pressure to see and relate to everyone else.
And I always feel hurt by the boxes I am expected to fit.
And I always feel like my autistic struggles and needs are wrong.
I feel so much pressure and really low.
I just want to be myself, have someone validate me and tell me my struggles are valid and just do your best.
It is really hard too having the illness I do. I cannot handle a lot of stress and pressure. I feel like too if I want to be single right now I should be able to be until I totally feel ready.
But at the same time I just want someone to throw their arms around me and say I love you Laura, I am a friend for life, you can trust me and I'll never betray your trust and thank you for what you do, I got something good out of it and am very grateful.
And your feelings, struggles and illness and valid and you'll be ok.

Basically, that's the story of my life.

I have seen many threads on this forum and advice from others, Youtube videos and even books saying that autistic's should just be themselves and all will be good.

Well, I've tried that and the result is tragic. I can't even be myself with my wife. I must mask when I am with anyone other than myself. (actually, I have had non-human friends that accept me as me.) Being me does not go well at all, even if the person I'm with knows about autism.

So, yea I'm with you on this one!

I don't mean to be such a downer, but with autism, type 1 diabetes, celiac disease, crohn's disease and a long list of PTSD's, I do hear you and feel for you. It is certainly no picnic, but it is worth enduring. Been doing it for the past 70 years. There are some good times, but I always crave and appreciate my solitude. Sometimes just knowing I'm not alone in my struggles is a huge comfort.

I really appreciated the line in the movie, Ghostbusters Afterlife, when Phoebe's mother, Callie, told her, as a she was leaving for school, to "don't be yourself". That line actually warmed my heart and made me smile. I like that Phoebe's character is autistic. Made the movie even more special for me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Validation: a fool's errand, a waste mental energy, and fraught with disappointment.

Very True! Validation is what I thought I wanted, but meeting my spouse I got what I needed: Acceptance

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Basically, that's the story of my life.

I have seen many threads on this forum and advice from others, Youtube videos and even books saying that autistic's should just be themselves and all will be good.

Well, I've tried that and the result is tragic. I can't even be myself with my wife. I must mask when I am with anyone other than myself. (actually, I have had non-human friends that accept me as me.) Being me does not go well at all, even if the person I'm with knows about autism.

So, yea I'm with you on this one!

I don't mean to be such a downer, but with autism, type 1 diabetes, celiac disease, crohn's disease and a long list of PTSD's, I do hear you and feel for you. It is certainly no picnic, but it is worth enduring. Been doing it for the past 70 years. There are some good times, but I always crave and appreciate my solitude. Sometimes just knowing I'm not alone in my struggles is a huge comfort.

I really appreciated the line in the movie, Ghostbusters Afterlife, when Phoebe's mother, Callie, told her, as a she was leaving for school, to "don't be yourself". That line actually warmed my heart and made me smile. I like that Phoebe's character is autistic. Made the movie even more special for me.

I am sorry to hear it, I hope one day you can unmask. A lot I expect people to be really nice and close to perfect and get let down a lot when they are not.
It is important for us autistics to be ourselves, my my position I feel pressure to mask to appease other woman who need my support.
But I love being unique and an individual now, living my own life and having my own fun, without constraints.
This has been a big issue in my trauma too.
Is that I feel like I can no longer understand others it their problems but can only focus on my own.
I am a Christian with a relationship with God but I just want to do my faith and feel like I can be me and feel appreciated as a daughter of God. But I do not think a lot of people understand.
But I still want to be myself and I think God should love me as myself however sometimes I think He puts too much pressure on me.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Very True! Validation is what thought I wanted, but meeting my spouse I got what I needed: Acceptance

I am glad you got acceptance.
But I hope you know all your struggles as an autistic are valid and it is just part of being an autistic.
And being an autistic is really hard every single day and weird and autistics need to try to be kind to ourselves and live true to our authentic selves.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I am glad you got acceptance.
But I hope you know all your struggles as an autistic are valid and it is just part of being an autistic.
And being an autistic is really hard every single day and weird and autistics need to try to be kind to ourselves and live true to our authentic selves.

Thank you. Acceptance by my spouse actually changed my life in fundamental ways.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Thank you. Acceptance by my spouse actually changed my life in fundamental ways.

Glad to hear it.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Not being myself cost me dearly, so I am myself now.

 

[Lecia Wynter]

Because you felt some pressure to fit some box or be what people expect?
I really struggling with this because it is a complex ptsd trigger for me as well where I do not feel seen yet feel pressure to see and relate to everyone else.
And I always feel hurt by the boxes I am expected to fit.
And I always feel like my autistic struggles and needs are wrong.
I feel so much pressure and really low.
I just want to be myself, have someone validate me and tell me my struggles are valid and just do your best.
It is really hard too having the illness I do. I cannot handle a lot of stress and pressure. I feel like too if I want to be single right now I should be able to be until I totally feel ready.
But at the same time I just want someone to throw their arms around me and say I love you Laura, I am a friend for life, you can trust me and I'll never betray your trust and thank you for what you do, I got something good out of it and am very grateful.
And your feelings, struggles and illness and valid and you'll be ok.

Yep, sometimes I struggle to fit in with normies and make friends with strangers.

One thing I have said many times here: Be yourself and find your own path. This is core to the meaning of "autism", it is literally Greek for the word "auto" or "self". Neurotypicals thrive on the comfort of "sameness", and to some extent, we do as well, but the neurotypical world takes it to a much higher level. Tribalism, racism, discrimination, bullying, etc are an extension of their need for "sameness", and if you are not fitting into their little mold, whatever it is, you are going to be identified, targeted, and marginalized, at the very least. Every law, policy, procedure, guideline, rule, etc is nothing more than a method of creating "sameness". The world we live in is NOT designed for the neurodivergent or autistic. However, and this is a big slap in their face, is that NO ONE, ever, in the history of mankind, has ever made advances in the sciences and arts by being the same. It's neurodivergency, new ideas, and even autism that drives knowledge and humanity forward. The risks of doing something different is almost always, being targeted, discredited, bullied, undermined, threatened, etc. Elon Musk is an extreme example of an autistic that, for most of his life, has been perpetually targeted. He's doing something different, and that is not tolerated. He's living a very public and extreme version of the autism experience. He's got the mainstream media, the social media, Wall Street short-sellers, and the big corporate interests that are trying to beat him down from every angle. If you believe the BS, then you're going to hate him. If you can see what he is trying to accomplish for humanity, you're going to love him. What I love about his attitude, is his ability to just brush off these attacks, fight back when he needs to, and keep moving forward. There is no "quit" or taking "no" for an answer. He meets resistance, he pivots, and like many Chess masters, is seemingly 10 steps ahead of everyone else because he's played the game in his head sometimes years ahead of when he has to actually play it.

1. Even though there is some wisdom to the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans.", do this as best you can when you are in an environment that expects this. For example, when at work and you have to put on a mask of "professionalism" for your clients and customers. Otherwise, your time is your time, do what you want, think the way you want to think, and if you can, do something different, create something different, be yourself.

2. Validation: a fool's errand, a waste mental energy, and fraught with disappointment. Most people don't care about your "issues". As autistics, we may be struggling with many things, but the reality is that most people are not interested in our struggles, only our results. It sort of reminds me of when you see a duck out on the water. On the top, you may seem calm and relaxed, but under the surface the little feet are paddling like crazy. This is our lot in life.

Elon may have autism, but he is also a transphobe, workaholic and a grifter.

 

[Kalinychta]

One thing I have said many times here: Be yourself and find your own path. This is core to the meaning of "autism", it is literally Greek for the word "auto" or "self". Neurotypicals thrive on the comfort of "sameness", and to some extent, we do as well, but the neurotypical world takes it to a much higher level. Tribalism, racism, discrimination, bullying, etc are an extension of their need for "sameness", and if you are not fitting into their little mold, whatever it is, you are going to be identified, targeted, and marginalized, at the very least. Every law, policy, procedure, guideline, rule, etc is nothing more than a method of creating "sameness". The world we live in is NOT designed for the neurodivergent or autistic. However, and this is a big slap in their face, is that NO ONE, ever, in the history of mankind, has ever made advances in the sciences and arts by being the same. It's neurodivergency, new ideas, and even autism that drives knowledge and humanity forward. The risks of doing something different is almost always, being targeted, discredited, bullied, undermined, threatened, etc. Elon Musk is an extreme example of an autistic that, for most of his life, has been perpetually targeted. He's doing something different, and that is not tolerated. He's living a very public and extreme version of the autism experience. He's got the mainstream media, the social media, Wall Street short-sellers, and the big corporate interests that are trying to beat him down from every angle. If you believe the BS, then you're going to hate him. If you can see what he is trying to accomplish for humanity, you're going to love him. What I love about his attitude, is his ability to just brush off these attacks, fight back when he needs to, and keep moving forward. There is no "quit" or taking "no" for an answer. He meets resistance, he pivots, and like many Chess masters, is seemingly 10 steps ahead of everyone else because he's played the game in his head sometimes years ahead of when he has to actually play it.

1. Even though there is some wisdom to the saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans.", do this as best you can when you are in an environment that expects this. For example, when at work and you have to put on a mask of "professionalism" for your clients and customers. Otherwise, your time is your time, do what you want, think the way you want to think, and if you can, do something different, create something different, be yourself.

2. Validation: a fool's errand, a waste mental energy, and fraught with disappointment. Most people don't care about your "issues". As autistics, we may be struggling with many things, but the reality is that most people are not interested in our struggles, only our results. It sort of reminds me of when you see a duck out on the water. On the top, you may seem calm and relaxed, but under the surface the little feet are paddling like crazy. This is our lot in life.

“Insistence on sameness” is an autistic trait - straight out of the DSM, in fact. Also inflexibility, rigid thinking patterns, etc. I’ve never noticed that autistics are not bullies or racists or tribalistic. Many are among the most close-minded, unimaginative, and deeply unpleasant people you’ll ever meet. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about autistic people from this forum, it’s that we’re just people. We’re not special, we’re not any better or more talented or intelligent or accepting or artistic (etc.) than so-called “NTs.”

And regarding the topic of the thread, everyone struggles to be themselves. I don’t think anyone—autistic or not—fits into the way the world is structured now. We’ve all been turned into little cogs who are expected to run smoothly in the machine.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

All. The. Time.

And I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

“Insistence on sameness” is an autistic trait - straight out of the DSM, in fact. Also inflexibility, rigid thinking patterns, etc. I’ve never noticed that autistics are not bullies or racists or tribalistic. Many are among the most close-minded, unimaginative, and deeply unpleasant people you’ll ever meet. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about autistic people from this forum, it’s that we’re just people. We’re not special, we’re not any better or more talented or intelligent or accepting or artistic (etc.) than so-called “NTs.”

And regarding the topic of the thread, everyone struggles to be themselves. I don’t think anyone—autistic or not—fits into the way the world is structured now. We’ve all been turned into little cogs who are expected to run smoothly in the machine.

I think you're missing some of the nuance here. You have to realize that when we use language like this, it's a generalization based upon statistics. "Insistence on sameness" is an autistic trait, but it does generally present differently than it does in neurotypicals, and is why it is part of the DSM, that's why psychologists can identify it as something "different". In autistics, it generally presents in a more localized fashion, for example, personal habits such as eating, hygiene, daily routines, and so on, to an extent that psychologists can identify it as aberrant behavior, that most neurotypicals do not engage in. In the so-called neurotypical world, "insistence on sameness" presents in a different manner, the "control" over the masses, from the work place to local governments to globalization efforts. Yes, we are "expected" to be cogs in the machine, to the point of constraining differences of opinion, thoughts, neurodiversity, and even forward progress. It's like driving forward with on foot on the brake pedal. The better observation is that we, as autistics, have a much different life experience with this, and is why we are often identified, separated, marginalized, and targeted by those who are not.

I understand and appreciate your concern for "divisiveness", that we are all "just people", but again, we are "different" on many levels, genetics, brain anatomy and physiology, immunologically, and with a different psychological and psychiatric profile than the norm. This is why it is part of the DSM, and why it can be identified by geneticists, neurologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists.

I do not see a world where "we all get along" with each other. Anthropologically, we are "three hairs from being chimpanzees", and anything "different" is going to be triggering in the form of bullying, racist, discriminatory, tribalistic, fear-based, anxiety ridden behaviors. You are correct that autistics can certainly be this way, often out of being a victim of this sort of behavior, themselves.

Now, we have a history of trying these little social experiments of equality, equity, and creating a dystopian society based upon harmony and being friends with thy neighbor. However, it's been found that it calls for a lie on a massive scale. It gives rise to authoritarianism. All the wealth goes to the top. Progress essentially halts. It calls for a "cleansing" of alternative thoughts, always at the wrong end of a gun or gassing, mass graves, etc. We've been there, done that many times. Never again. For the long, long list of things we don't like about our societies, at least we're not THAT. As one might say, "You might be in the frying pan, just don't make the mistake of jumping into the fire."

 

[tazz]

...I have so many commitments from trying to be like everyone else that my whole life would crumble and fall apart if I even tried to find myself... I really have no choice but to keep up the façade.

Being myself? I don’t even know what that could mean anymore.

I'm feeling this for a while now as I explore what it means to be diagnosed at the age of 50ish.

There's always something at some point in the day that taps me on the shoulder to remind me that I don't have time to explore who I am because there's a form to fill in or some bill to pay or a client to talk to or a family member who needs a sofa moved up 6 flights of stairs or I need to eat which means I need money to go buy food and where the heck is that coming from exactly when I can't feckin work...

oh my...

So anyway, on a positive note, I think I've figured out that it's not a lost cause it's just damn hard! So I've started trying to sort out a more sustainable financial situation and I'm hoping I'll be able to ditch a lot of the "plumbing" of life and start focusing more on farting around - as opposed to being some ill-fitting cog in a grumpy, loud, dirty machine who's goal seems to be nothing more than an ever increasing GDP!

As Larry Harvey once said (probably): "If you don't keep doing stupid things, how they heck are you ever gonna find out who you are?"

 

[Misty Avich]

"Be yourself" is a debatable thing and I think it works for some but not for others.
In my case being myself actually works better for me than trying to be someone I'm not. When I did try and be someone I'm not one time (in adulthood), I failed at it in the most humiliating way and people picked on me for it. So I've learnt to chill a bit and not to be too fake, and I don't get picked on so much.
The masking I did as a child at school was more based on forcing myself to behave well because of my anxiety of being in trouble.

 

[Aspychata]

I only can truly be myself with my autistic friend, he accepts me at face value, and l have gotten better at accepting him. Our communication is actually more nonverbal than a lot of couples. I miss that the most in our relationship. I miss and kiss the silence he taught me to appreciate.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

And regarding the topic of the thread, everyone struggles to be themselves.

You got that right! I figured out that I am basically an inquisitive, kind, and ethically responsible person. The struggle with that was the users I would attract until I developed robust personal boundaries and discovered that being nice is not the same as being a pushover.

 

[AspieChris]

we are "three hairs from being chimpanzees"

Disney documentary called “Chimpanzee”. Everyone should watch it. Two groups of wild chimps fighting over one part of the forest.

It’s like watching a documentary about gang bangers in Los Angeles, fighting over a street corner. It’s a little disturbing how much they act like we do. I think we might be more like one hair and a swollen sphincter away from being chimps.

 

[TBRS1]

It shouldn't be thought of as "A struggle to be myself." Being oneself should be the norm.

The actual problem is more like: A struggle to be myself when others are intent on forcing me to be someone else.

Yup. This is a never ending struggle.

 

[NB79]

I can't show myself to other people, i fear i would be rejected or made fun, disliked found weird or worse, i feel like i am too inconsistent as a person, so all i do in front of others i think logically, i can't be natural, sometimes i feel autism is a big curse for things like this.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I can't show myself to other people, i fear i would be rejected or made fun, disliked found weird or worse, i feel like i am too inconsistent as a person, so all i do in front of others i think logically, i can't be natural, sometimes i feel autism is a big curse for things like this.

I get you, and I’m sorry you go through that.

It’s hard being comfortable out in public.

Do you know what, though? Anybody who does that to you isn’t worry your time and efforts anyway.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I

I panic if people don't let me express my feelings. If I'm worried about something I always like to talk about it to someone, but people just dismiss it with a "stop worrying!" in a non-sympathetic way, like they think I can just switch off my emotions like a light switch.
This is where I don't believe empathy is relevant with whether you're NT or not, because in my experience all NTs worry about stuff but if you're worrying about something an NT individual isn't about then they think you shouldn't worry and just "ignore/deal with it". Not all NTs do this in all situations but most NTs do it in most situations. Mostly they can only see your perspective if they're feeling the same way.

I worry so much and wish someone would give me a hug and say stop worrying
I put so much pressure on myself because it seems I should understand I do not and it could be trauma and illness as well.
I worry so much especially when there is a lot of pressure and the stakes are high.
Love and support and understanding helps.