He thinks I was trying to hurt him...

[Fino]

How does one communicate that they're upset without being shut down, and what invisible signals are you referring to in this context? I was pretty clear with him... saying "why weren't you there to open the door, I felt unsafe just standing out here waiting for you". How could this have been more clear?

Oh, the invisible signals is your desire for him to say what you wished he had said.

 

[Jorjor23]

If you mean the term "shutdown" in terms of Autism, it's involuntary.

So would it be preferable to wait till he's "resurfaced" in terms of being a bit more receptive? Sometimes I feel like certain problems are off limits to discuss regardless of context.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

How does one communicate that they're upset without being shut down, and what invisible signals are you referring to in this context?

Your expecations are invisible to him.
You're expecting him to respond to an expectation and are disappointed when he doesn't

It a schism between using words as a way to communicate emotions
and using them logically.

It's a difference that spawns a thousand arguments.
Both sides can be unaware of the way they communicate.

I've been in a relationship ASD/NT for 18 years, so you pick up a few things along the way

I think ,in your example, you're trying to communicate you're upset- when he is not able to hear it.

Continued communication is often a cause of shutdowns.
His explanation to why will be very difficult for him to understand.

One of the compromises will probably be taking the lead in changing the way your communicate.
As it can be a fundamentally different way of seeing the world which is brought forward in relationships.

With a different approach - you would not have been upset at all.
Your pattern (everyone has them) perhaps drove an ordinary circumstance into conflict.
You'rs asking me - about a late stage in that - but the early stage is what set the scene.

 

[Jorjor23]

Fino, as far as the invisible signals go. Should I spell it out more clearly (for example "can you please tell me thank you when I go out of my way to get you stuff?" or should I just drop it altogether...

 

[Fino]

So would it be preferable to wait till he's "resurfaced" in terms of being a bit more receptive? Sometimes I feel like certain problems are off limits to discuss regardless of context.

Yes! There are videos on things to do and not do during a shutdown, but the simplest is just to wait. Trying to talk them out of it or getting mad at them is just causing more pain.

And I don't know what the certain problems are, but if it's something like abuse or sex then I'd agree that you'd have to wait until he's ready.

 

[Fino]

Fino, as far as the invisible signals go. Should I spell it out more clearly (for example "can you please tell me thank you when I go out of my way to get you stuff?" or should I just drop it altogether...

Personally, I think that would be great! It's hard to say since I don't know him, but that would work with me. A specific explanation for something easily remembered that is something you make clear is important to you--I would be happy to comply and have done almost identical things in the past.

 

[Jorjor23]

Yes! There are videos on things to do and not do during a shutdown, but the simplest is just to wait. Trying to talk them out of it or getting mad at them is just causing more pain.

And I don't know what the certain problems are, but if it's something like abuse or sex then I'd agree that you'd have to wait until he's ready.

There are a couple recurring issues
1. He diverts the convo when I try to tell him about my past because he thinks it's irrelevant to the current me. Some major things have happened to me lately and I feel like I should be able to tell my SO these things... I get the sense that he feels like me sharing my past means he has to share his own (which, from what I gather, is somewhat traumatic). This is not the case, I'm just trying to share more about me and where I come from, rather than pressuring him into reciprocity

2. He gets uncomfortable when I cry. Last time I did it he said "see, you're crying again. This is the second time you've cried in 2 weeks". From my perspective, I don't see it as THAT excessive and think it's healthy to "let it out" because I always feel better after... like a giant weight has been lifted. On the flip side, I think that he's pretty "emotionally constipated" and should probably unravel some of those pent up feelings before they get overwhelming...

 

[Jorjor23]

Personally, I think that would be great! It's hard to say since I don't know him, but that would work with me. A specific explanation for something easily remembered that is something you make clear is important to you--I would be happy to comply and have done almost identical things in the past.

Ok, thanks. Spelling it out that clearly seems so granular to me relative to the convert ways in which us NT's communicate. I'll think I've spelled out something clearly when I really haven't broken it down to it's simplest form. I think it's something I'll have to train myself into. I guess we'll be training each other. lol

 

[Nauti]

The facts; he was ill, you chose to do a kind thing and buy him some medicine. It was late, he was (obviously) tired, maybe even exhausted from coughing. He has ASD.

You got scared, and it took, 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Until you were let in. You were upset and a little recriminatory when you were let in.

Were you grateful for being let in, yourself? Were you staying there or do you have your own place?
In any case, your choices; you chose to go late, did you consider that a sick man might badly need sleep?
Did he not appreciate the medicine? Did he not say thank you for the medicine? Or did you not give him a chance to express appreciation for the kindness you showed him, before you shamed him for not being awake for you?

Aspies don't like "drama", in that shaming, blaming and recriminations, especially, when we are tired and ill, will not get the desired response. We prefer calm explanations, said with clarity and without loaded recriminations or emotionally manipulative behaviour.
If you had humbly said "man, that was scary! I didn't know when you we're going to let me in!" or some such honest expression of your experience, I imagine, he wouldn't have felt attacked and shut you down, he would have felt concerned and neglectful and showed more concern and you would have got your remorseful response. That your fear quickly turned to anger, would have frightened him, overwhelmed him, shamed him, embarrassed him and as such, he, lacking the skills or emotional maturity and social graces of , I don't know? Someone you imagine would respond differently ... not an Aspie, realistically. He wanted a quick and face saving, out, and quickly tried to change the subject.

You could have let it go, decided compassion and forgiveness would bring you more happiness and realised that a sick guy could've been forgiven for falling asleep, late, at night.

But you are both human, humans don't act in prescriptive ways, they act in emotional ways, reactive ways, self interested ways, clumsy, clunky, human ways.

 

[AndrewtheAndrew]

I am a human being undiagnosed and first day ever contemplating the word autism really.

That being my preface I really connect as a guy who HATES emotional back and forth deep dives through psyche. Like a couple of these other fellers, I wish you had given the man more of a break, kept a cooler head and either pick and choose battles of complaints/fights you want to have or super gently broached your concerns with him so to not make him feel assaulted or harassed.

 

[Ginseng]

My thoughts: I can relate to falling asleep and not wanting to be fussed at. He may have thought “I will just close my eyes briefly”.....
It sounds like he assumed you took his keys so his sleeping wasn’t an issue to him. If he is sick he isn’t himself. If he had issues then being sick means everything is more difficult for him to process, especially being fussed at.

It sounds like your feelings were hurt. You ran an errand for him and you had expectations? Maybe you felt used or taken advantage of? It might help if you get honest with yourself about why you were hurt and tell him. These are good opportunities for growing and maturing together.

I am not implying this was your fault. He also needs time to process this (which could take a while). But hopefully, you will clearly express your needs to him and he will respect your needs (so long as they are reasonable, which they may well be in this situation). Maturity on both parts would be to respect and listen to what each other is saying. I think it is great you are willing to explore this. Perhaps concisely write out an apology for responding in hurt (and explain your thought process on this). Let him know what x response would have meant to you and what his response meant to you. Let him know that y’all don’t have to discuss it now but because you care about him you do want closure for both of you, and also so that this doesn’t continue to play out in other areas in the future. Tell him when he is ready if he feels more comfortable he can just write out his thoughts. Sometimes it is easier for us to do this in writing. Less stimulation I think.

He obviously did not want you to leave. Perhaps he wasn’t able to process that you said you were going home because he was over loaded by being woken up and fussed at when he is sick. But then I am going by how I would feel.

 

[Tom]

It was a very thoughtful thing you did, and not without some risk. His response sounds to me like immaturity on his part. I had the same problem at his age. Discussing it out is I think the best approach if not the only way to improve the situation, and it can be a painful process at times. It is often however helpful to wait for a calmer more relaxed time to do the talking. Emotions do cloud the thinking process.

 

[Pats]

Sounds like you wanted recognition for your efforts and didn't get any. But why did you need to make sure he did his part? You couldn't decide yourself which medicine to pick up or make certain you had a way back in, knowing the possibility of him going to sleep?

 

[Pats]

When someone isn’t feeling well, I give them a lot of leeway. But then I’m old! When I was in my 20s maybe I would have acted the same. Actually, I wouldn’t have gotten the medicine unless his coughing was keeping ME awake!
Maybe you are doing too much for him?

I actually agree with Braided Pony in that I doubt I would have ran out (especially that time of night) to have gotten cough medicine. Only if it were keeping me awake - I would have moved to another room and covered my ears with a pillow.

 

[BraidedPony]

 

[Jorjor23]

The facts; he was ill, you chose to do a kind thing and buy him some medicine. It was late, he was (obviously) tired, maybe even exhausted from coughing. He has ASD.

You got scared, and it took, 5 minutes? 10 minutes? Until you were let in. You were upset and a little recriminatory when you were let in.

Were you grateful for being let in, yourself? Were you staying there or do you have your own place?
In any case, your choices; you chose to go late, did you consider that a sick man might badly need sleep?
Did he not appreciate the medicine? Did he not say thank you for the medicine? Or did you not give him a chance to express appreciation for the kindness you showed him, before you shamed him for not being awake for you?

Aspies don't like "drama", in that shaming, blaming and recriminations, especially, when we are tired and ill, will not get the desired response. We prefer calm explanations, said with clarity and without loaded recriminations or emotionally manipulative behaviour.
If you had humbly said "man, that was scary! I didn't know when you we're going to let me in!" or some such honest expression of your experience, I imagine, he wouldn't have felt attacked and shut you down, he would have felt concerned and neglectful and showed more concern and you would have got your remorseful response. That your fear quickly turned to anger, would have frightened him, overwhelmed him, shamed him, embarrassed him and as such, he, lacking the skills or emotional maturity and social graces of , I don't know? Someone you imagine would respond differently ... not an Aspie, realistically. He wanted a quick and face saving, out, and quickly tried to change the subject.

You could have let it go, decided compassion and forgiveness would bring you more happiness and realised that a sick guy could've been forgiven for falling asleep, late, at night.

But you are both human, humans don't act in prescriptive ways, they act in emotional ways, reactive ways, self interested ways, clumsy, clunky, human ways.

Quick clarification, he unfortunately, didn't ask me to run the errand until midnight, and I went right away b/c I didn't want him to suffer through the night

I think a lot of this was knee jerk responses on my part due to past experiences. Earlier in the year I was in a verbally abusive situation with a guy and was basically steamrolled into submission by him. So my approach as of late is that of a defensive position. I feel like I have to squash what I interpret as being the "seeds" of abusive situations. So I guess in my mind I was like "no, not again, not again, I can't tolerate this, you're gonna learn right here and now that I'm not a doormat" lol.

Very reactionary, in retrospect. Your response clears up a lot. Thank you. I'm writing him an email now apologizing. I hope we can get past this because I really do adore him (obviously this thread isn't a great example... lol).

 

[paloftoon]

Your boyfriend was sick. So, he can't expected to "be available" to open the door and such. He might have a fever. Being sarcastic, especially when he is sick, only makes it you being a jerk to him instead of trying to solve/support his problem of being sick.

What you can do at this point is simply tell your boyfriend that you were too focused on getting the medicine only and that you are sorry that you weren't able to consider his sick status more. And that you will try to work with the situation better next time. Also, it would be good to mention your past and how you think that affected your behavior toward him that night, but how you will work on improving avoiding unnecessary confrontations like that and just apologize.

Sometimes, even NTs can have their "AS" moments--->

 

[Mary Terry]

I don't see this as an ASD vs. NT issue. You knew your boyfriend was sufficiently sick to ask you to get medicine in the middle of the night, and you should have either taken a key with you or made sure he would wait for you in the living room or wherever the entry door is located to let you back in. Taking care of sick people whom we love includes putting aside our personal snipes and gripes while we care for someone who has limited ability to "please" us while they are sick. If it had been me, I'd have picked up some fruit juice, canned soup and crackers, too, while I was at CVS so I could nurse my loved one back to health.

Grow up. Or please never have children. And certainly don't enter the field of medicine where you might be offended when some patient fails to slobber thanks all over you for your sacrifice on their behalf.

PS - I'm NT, too, and no doubt my response will make you mad. But I honestly believe you could have handled this a thousand times better than you did.

 

[JDShredds]

I'm glad you've decided to write him an e-mail apologizing, because I was quite angered by how you handled this whole situation. I don't see the problem in your boyfriend's behavior. But then again, it sounds so much like me that of course I would say that. But ASD or not, he was sick and feeling vulnerable.

The problems I see are the ones you didn't pose: 1) Expecting a sick person to open the door for you when you could have just brought keys, 2) Grilling someone who you clearly just stated is enduring what you judgmentally called "an emotional regression" (is it your place to judge that?), 3) You didn't consider what he needed at the time and bailed, 4) You seem to be judging his way of processing emotion by calling it emotionally constipated - which is amusing because its an example of being on the spectrum, so you indirectly just called a large portion of the people here emotionally constipated in the process of that statement. I don't know if you're aware of this, but it struck me that way.

Another note: It isn't "unhealthy" for someone on the spectrum to process emotion differently than you. I have a great way to describe my particular expression of handling emotion differently than NT's. NT's handle emotion in "real time," and I handle it in "post-processing." This isn't a choice; its a way of being. My emotion decides when it will operate on its own accord, and that is usually (though not always) later than in the moment, often days, weeks or even months or years later. Also, it does behave more like an on/off switch than a dimmer switch, meaning that when it does process, its an implosion of sorts. The "lack of real time" can also be an asset under crisis when most people are overly emotional in the moment.

Sorry if my response isn't what you're looking for. I'm a direct person. You came here looking for feedback. I've been on his end of this before, and I would not have put up with your behavior for long.

I'm happy you've come around to seeing his side a bit more. Also, the abusive situation from your previous experiences sound like a very temperamentally different person than your HFA boyfriend, so keep that in mind next time you're tempted to over-react.

 

[Jorjor23]

I don't see this as an ASD vs. NT issue. You knew your boyfriend was sufficiently sick to ask you to get medicine in the middle of the night, and you should have either taken a key with you or made sure he would wait for you in the living room or wherever the entry door is located to let you back in. Taking care of sick people whom we love includes putting aside our personal snipes and gripes while we care for someone who has limited ability to "please" us while they are sick. If it had been me, I'd have picked up some fruit juice, canned soup and crackers, too, while I was at CVS so I could nurse my loved one back to health.

Grow up. Or please never have children. And certainly don't enter the field of medicine where you might be offended when some patient fails to slobber thanks all over you for your sacrifice on their behalf.

PS - I'm NT, too, and no doubt my response will make you mad. But I honestly believe you could have handled this a thousand times better than you did.

Ok lady...With all due respect, you need to take several steps back before making wild assumptions based off a post online. First off, I haven't known him long (just a couple months). At this stage in the relationship, I'm doing a lot. I was agitated in this particular situation because I was more or less just left out to dry it it was more cumulative than anything else.

At the end of the day, he is a grown man, not a child. And no he was not that sick, he does get congested a lot but I don't think he had a full on cold. He acted more or less normal up until he asked me to go to the drugstore.

PS, plot twist...Did I mention he probably conked out because he got no sleep the previous night because he was doing coke? Did I mention he does it often and is often knocked out from the lack of sleep? Am I supposed to be accountable for how he acts when he's running on no sleep because of something self imposed? Am I supposed to smile and not be somewhat frustrated? That's been wearing on me too. Come on now. Don't make crazy accusations just because you don't know the whole story. I'm allowed to be irritated with certain things. Seemingly "little" things do matter and they can add up.

I wasn't loud or aggressive with my complaints, again, tone of voice is important and I can't convey that over the keyboard... Should I have reformatted/reorganized my thoughts to make them more palatable... sure. But saying it's unreasonable for me to be somewhat annoyed with the situation is dismissive...