Help!

[xudo]

He doesn't do it every few months. Besides last summer, this is the only time he has ever brought anything about me into it. Usually it's just he's feeling empty and because of that he doesn't feel like he loves me. Then he feels better, apologizes, and we move forward. It was no so extreme that I really had to worry. Now he's going on two weeks, and it's getting worrisome. I talked to his mom and she also said it sounds like he is depressed and he should go talk to someone, but he refuses any type of therapy.

Ah, then forgive my misunderstanding. I can sympathise with him not wanting to get professional help, as my husband wouldn't for a long time. Maybe it's a man thing? Anyhow, would he maybe just go see a doctor for maybe medication? My husband is on antidepressants and he did have counselling at one point, but only because the CMHT basically made him. The tablets alone have helped.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

Ah, then forgive my misunderstanding. I can sympathise with him not wanting to get professional help, as my husband wouldn't for a long time. Maybe it's a man thing? Anyhow, would he maybe just go see a doctor for maybe medication? My husband is on antidepressants and he did have counselling at one point, but only because the CMHT basically made him. The tablets alone have helped.

I don't think he would be open to medication. I think if I could really talk to him about therapy he would eventually see that it would be good. So I'm going to keep trying for that, and if they think medicine is necessary they can push it. I don't want to be too overbearing with him though. I don't want him to feel like I'm suffocating him with getting help, especially since he feels he doesn't need it.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I take risperidone and so do some other aspies I know. I find it help with anxiety.

Yeah, it's helped a little with my anxiety too.

 

[dom]

This gives me hope. Like maybe holding out a little longer might be worth it. Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

I really hope it works out

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I really hope it works out

Thank you. It's really hard. I've been conflicted about whether or not I should wait and see if it passes. He says he wants me to leave, but then says he doesn't want to break up with me because he's not sure if he'll regret it, and if he does he doesn't want to hurt me again. I'm not the type to leave unless I actually know I'm not wanted, but he never tells me he wants me to leave when he's acting level headed, so I find it hard to believe. Obviously, if he actually wants me to leave, I'd have no choice but we have such a history it would be so hard.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

Yeah, it's helped a little with my anxiety too.

I think he needs help with anxiety. He gets anxious over everything. He bites the tips of jos thumbs raw because he gets so anxious over thinks things. It could be what game to play, or figuring out a strategy in a game, or texting a friend he's had for years and he'll still be really anxious.

 

[On the Inside]

I have similar "meltdowns" within relationships, when I am not getting the alone time I need. Even if we are engaged in activities that I really enjoy, sometimes I need to be alone.

Unfortunately, I have a very hard time in taking the initiative and saying I need some time, so we will go along, my partner thinking things are fine, while I am slowly building this need to be alone, do something else. It seldom gets to the point of a meltdown, but my mood will gradually deteriorate, and then I might not be that fun to be with.

There have been times when I let things go one too long and I did melt down, and just needed to go. When my partner asked why, I just said I couldn't take it anymore, I just need to be by myself.

My ex wife seemed to understand this intuitively, and gave me the space I needed. But then, she also desired time alone, so in that way we were compatible. My current partner wishes to have a lot of time together, and that also means engaging with each other. I'm fine being together, but not necessarily interacting.

It is a compatibility issue if two people can't work it out.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I have similar "meltdowns" within relationships, when I am not getting the alone time I need. Even if we are engaged in activities that I really enjoy, sometimes I need to be alone.

Unfortunately, I have a very hard time in taking the initiative and saying I need some time, so we will go along, my partner thinking things are fine, while I am slowly building this need to be alone, do something else. It seldom gets to the point of a meltdown, but my mood will gradually deteriorate, and then I might not be that fun to be with.

There have been times when I let things go one too long and I did melt down, and just needed to go. When my partner asked why, I just said I couldn't take it anymore, I just need to be by myself.

My ex wife seemed to understand this intuitively, and gave me the space I needed. But then, she also desired time alone, so in that way we were compatible. My current partner wishes to have a lot of time together, and that also means engaging with each other. I'm fine being together, but not necessarily interacting.

It is a compatibility issue if two people can't work it out.

I give him space now. I didn't understand in the beginning but now that I do I always hang out in the bedroom which is where most of my stuff is anyway. Did it ever get to the point for you that you felt like you lost feeling for your girlfriend because you weren't getting that space and you had a meltdown?

 

[twilightzone76]

ive loved with my boyfriend for 7 months. We met online 12 years ago, when we were 13-14. Two years ago is when we got into an online relationship and after those two years we took the plunge and I moved to New Jersey to be with him.

I didn't know until I moved in that he has Aspergers. I'm bipolar, so I didn't judge. I just figured it was something new I had to learn to adapt too.

Every couple of months he would have this short meltdowns. He would stop being affectionate and would tell me he felt empty and felt nothing for me. I visited him once last spring, and we broke up briefly because of a situation like this. He told me he wasn't attracted to me, we broke up, I went back home and we didn't talk for a month. After that month, he started texting me videos of the apartment that I had found for us. He had rented it and was telling me how he wanted me there. I ignored him because I was too hurt. For a week he nonstop texted, sent videos, and even emailed me. I eventually caved and called him. I let him have it and told him it was not okay the things he did. He explained he was wrong and was extremely remorseful. So two weeks later he drove 15 hours to come pick me up. Everything was really good.

Then I noticed these meltdowns every couple of months. They were hard at first, but then when they happened I would just go in another room and entertain myself. Until the meltdown we're on now.

For the past almost two weeks, he has been angry and shut down. We were having a really good day, playing WoW, and out of no where he told me he felt empty. I left him alone for a couple of days, I figured it was onset from work stress because his contract with work is about to be up and he doesn't know where we'all be relocated next and he really hates his job. The weekend comes around and he's acting better. He's holding my hand, cuddling wth me, asking me to play games with him or persisting I watch movies with him.

We get to yesterday, his mood was declining throughout the week but he didn't acknowledge it. So it's Wednesday and he is leaving for work. He was throwing a huge fit about something and being completely belligerent about something so I told him not to come home until he adjusted his attitude. Well e didn't come home until midnight, and when he did he refused to tell me where he was.

Eventually he told me he was at his friends, and he continued saying "I did something mean and I regretted saying it after I said it but I don't regret it now." So I inquired what he meant. And he told me that he told his friends that he didn't think I was attractive. He wouldn't say anything more than that. I tried to reason with him and tell him this is just his Aspergers, because we go through this every couple of months and it's a pattern. I also tried to convince him therapy might be beneficial and he said "there is nothing that will make this emptiness go away".

We eventually went to bed, I slept on the couch. He woke up in the morning and acted normalish, laying on the couch with me watching tv until he left for work.

I know you can't speak for him, but is this normal behavior for some with Aspergers? I'm trying so hard to understand but no one can give me any answers. I would appreciate any response.

Good Lord, this isn't normal behavior for anyone.

I don't mean to be harsh but this is so unhealthy. Why do you feel the need to subject yourself to this? I don't even know you but I know you don't deserve to be treated like this.

I understand he has a lot of good qualities, you and him have great times together, the good outweighs the bad...yes I know...I've been there. Idolizing the good and downplaying the bad. Making excuses for him mistreating you. You do realize that is the mindset of an abused woman, right?

Mental abuse is not always intentional, but nonetheless, the detrimental consequences are the same. Think about that.

Your same story has been told over and over my dear, and I have yet to hear of one that turns out well. Read more posts on here and you will see straight from the horses mouth....they try...they really do, but they cannot change. No matter how much they want to or how guilty they feel, they cannot.

Ask yourself how this is making you feel. Do you want to still be feeling like this in 5 years? 10 years? Do whats right for YOU.

 

[On the Inside]

I give him space now. I didn't understand in the beginning but now that I do I always hang out in the bedroom which is where most of my stuff is anyway. Did it ever get to the point for you that you felt like you lost feeling for your girlfriend because you weren't getting that space and you had a meltdown?

No, not like that, but there have been times when I've had to demand to be left alone and I know that hurt her, so I apologized later.

It is hard to compare experiences, we are on a spectrum and there can be a panoply of personality issues making your interaction unique. Not "no one else has ever experienced this" unique, so you aren't alone.

Sorry you are having such dificulty, hard as it can be, try not to take it too personally, he does have some issues that aren't about you specifically, but with people and intimacy in general.

 

[On the Inside]

Good Lord, this isn't normal behavior for anyone.

I don't mean to be harsh but this is so unhealthy. Why do you feel the need to subject yourself to this? I don't even know you but I know you don't deserve to be treated like this.

I understand he has a lot of good qualities, you and him have great times together, the good outweighs the bad...yes I know...I've been there. Idolizing the good and downplaying the bad. Making excuses for him mistreating you. You do realize that is the mindset of an abused woman, right?

Mental abuse is not always intentional, but nonetheless, the detrimental consequences are the same. Think about that.

Your same story has been told over and over my dear, and I have yet to hear of one that turns out well. Read more posts on here and you will see straight from the hoses mouth....they try...they really do, but they cannot change. No matter how much they want to or how guilty they feel, they cannot.

Ask yourself how this is making you feel. Do you want to still be feeling like this in 5 years? 10 years? Do whats right for YOU.

Of course it is not normal behavior, he's autistic.

While I wouldn't tell anyone to stay in a relationship that is abusive or even just not fulfilling, especially for someone so young, if both people are willing and able to work on issues, it may work.

 

[twilightzone76]

Yes I know he's Aspie but telling her he feels nothing for her and that she's not attractive. Wow. That's just plain cruel and he shouldn't get a pass for bad behavior just because he's Aspie. Not only that but he told his friends that she's not attractive and then came home and told her he told his friends that and didn't regret it. Is he trying to torture her?? Aspie or not...people need to be accountable for their actions. He should be alone until he's in a healthier place instead of dragging her through the mud.

He doesn't deserve you girlfriend!

 

[Alcyon]

I have mulling this over for a few hours now, quite the three-pipe problem.

I'll attempt to keep it simple. There is much of value in this:

Of course it is not normal behavior, he's autistic.

But going by the information at hand, so far, it doesn't fully satisfy me. My reaction to the initial post, and several that followed, was that while the male partner is on the spectrum, and it is, seemingly, having a negative effect on the relationship, the real issue is that he's immature and needs to exercise a little impulse control.

The rule of thumb is that I don't get to use Asperger's as an excuse to hurt others. It will happen...but I had better be willing to make amends and go about ensuring that I won't repeat the injurious behaviour. Anything other than that I won't accept from myself.

I contend the next paragraph is important:

One of the more telling indications that there's more at play here than just dealing with Asperger's is that when he was part of a work related phone meeting, he knew enough to hit the mute button before bad-mouthing his coworkers. He's not entirely some wide-eyed, babe in the woods, entirely incapable of comprehending the consequences of his actions.

Eventually he told me he was at his friends, and he continued saying "I did something mean and I regretted saying it after I said it but I don't regret it now." So I inquired what he meant. And he told me that he told his friends that he didn't think I was attractive. He wouldn't say anything more than that. I tried to reason with him and tell him this is just his Aspergers, because we go through this every couple of months and it's a pattern. I also tried to convince him therapy might be beneficial and he said "there is nothing that will make this emptiness go away".

I think that twilightzone76 is raising a valid concern. My jaw dropped when I read this paragraph: this is disturbing, even alarming, behaviour. Asperger's, if he has it, doesn't preclude someone from being a manipulative jerk.

 

[twilightzone76]

I have mulling this over for a few hours now, quite the three-pipe problem.

I'll attempt to keep it simple. There is much of value in this:



But going by the information at hand, so far, it doesn't fully satisfy me. My reaction to the initial post, and several that followed, was that while the male partner is on the spectrum, and it is, seemingly, having a negative effect on the relationship, the real issue is that he's immature and needs to exercise a little impulse control.

The rule of thumb is that I don't get to use Asperger's as an excuse to hurt others. It will happen...but I had better be willing to make amends and go about ensuring that I won't repeat the injurious behaviour. Anything other than that I won't accept from myself.

I contend the next paragraph is important:

One of the more telling indications that there's more at play here than just dealing with Asperger's is that when he was part of a work related phone meeting, he knew enough to hit the mute button before bad-mouthing his coworkers. He's not entirely some wide-eyed, babe in the woods, entirely incapable of comprehending the consequences of his actions.



I think that twilightzone76 is raising a valid concern. My jaw dropped when I read this paragraph: this is disturbing, even alarming, behaviour. Asperger's, if he has it, doesn't preclude someone from being a manipulative jerk.

You are a rare gem, Alcyon. Your wisdom speaks volumes.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

I have mulling this over for a few hours now, quite the three-pipe problem.

I'll attempt to keep it simple. There is much of value in this:



But going by the information at hand, so far, it doesn't fully satisfy me. My reaction to the initial post, and several that followed, was that while the male partner is on the spectrum, and it is, seemingly, having a negative effect on the relationship, the real issue is that he's immature and needs to exercise a little impulse control.

The rule of thumb is that I don't get to use Asperger's as an excuse to hurt others. It will happen...but I had better be willing to make amends and go about ensuring that I won't repeat the injurious behaviour. Anything other than that I won't accept from myself.

I contend the next paragraph is important:

One of the more telling indications that there's more at play here than just dealing with Asperger's is that when he was part of a work related phone meeting, he knew enough to hit the mute button before bad-mouthing his coworkers. He's not entirely some wide-eyed, babe in the woods, entirely incapable of comprehending the consequences of his actions.



I think that twilightzone76 is raising a valid concern. My jaw dropped when I read this paragraph: this is disturbing, even alarming, behaviour. Asperger's, if he has it, doesn't preclude someone from being a manipulative jerk.

I can understand that. And to be fair I think he only said that because I was hounding him for information. I was upset and I yelled and cried and demanded he tell me. I had every right to question where he was, but I can be honest and say I should have went about it in a better manner.

He doesn't do well with confrontation. If not handled at the right time he will shut down. I think he regretted it, because at first he said he regretted it. Then I kept hounding him for information and he said what you quoted. I don't know if that makes much of a difference, but I probably should have given a bit more detail around how we both acted last night.

Not saying I was a monster or anything, but I was very upset and was not trying to understand anything. It got to the point where I got so upset I was starting to say things just to get a rise out of him and I had to bite my tongue and calm down before we could continue.

Once I calmed down is when he really kind of opened up to me about how he doesn't think this empty feeling will go away, and how he's apprehensive about us breaking up because he's afraid he'll regret it.

 

[twilightzone76]

I can understand that. And to be fair I think he only said that because I was hounding him for information. I was upset and I yelled and cried and demanded he tell me. I had every right to question where he was, but I can be honest and say I should have went about it in a better manner.

He doesn't do well with confrontation. If not handled at the right time he will shut down. I think he regretted it, because at first he said he regretted it. Then I kept hounding him for information and he said what you quoted. I don't know if that makes much of a difference, but I probably should have given a bit more detail around how we both acted last night.

Not saying I was a monster or anything, but I was very upset and was not trying to understand anything. It got to the point where I got so upset I was starting to say things just to get a rise out of him and I had to bite my tongue and calm down before we could continue.

Once I calmed down is when he really kind of opened up to me about how he doesn't think this empty feeling will go away, and how he's apprehensive about us breaking up because he's afraid he'll regret it.

You are making excuses for him which is just further enabling his bad behavior.

Making the excuse that you caused him to say that he didn't regret it....that doesn't change the fact that he said it! Like Alcyon said, very immature behavior.

You are blaming yourself which is going to end up putting you in a very compromising position. Not to mention, he will not respect you if you don't respect yourself.

 

[SpeckledTuna]

You are making excuses for him which is just further enabling his bad behavior.

Making the excuse that you caused him to say that he didn't regret it....that doesn't change the fact that he said it! Like Alcyon said, very immature behavior.

You are blaming yourself which is going to end up putting you in a very compromising position. Not to mention, he will not respect you if you don't have respect for yourself.

I'm sorry if it seems that way. I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I'm fully aware that what he did was messed up and incredibly mean. But I'm bipolar, I would never want to be completely judged and pushed outside because of a meltdown. So I'm trying to understand, which is why I made the post.

It has been an informative post, as I've learned a lot and realize that the outline of this meltdown is his Aspergers, but all the extra stuff is not. However, I also can recognize that sometimes people can say some really hurtful mean things when emotions are high. I don't say that to make excuses for him, I say that because I'm bipolar and when I get emotional I get over emotional and am very hard to deal with. I'm not negating that its messed up, but him saying mean things like that is not very common.

Every time he's ever had a meltdown is usually the same with him just saying he needs space and we avoid each other for a day or a couple of days.

I'm just saying I have no reason to treat this like an abisove relationship, because it's only ever gotten this bad maybe one other time over a year ago.

Please don't take that the wrong way, as I really do appreciate your comments. I'm currently in therapy and I take medication for my bipolar. I will not leave myself in a situation if it becomes to much for my own mental health. Above all else, I know that I have to come first, and I promise I take that very seriously.

 

[Judge]

I know in my own case that shutdowns are something I don't wish to share...even if a significant other felt inclined to do so. It's just something I have to endure entirely by myself...and come out of.

 

[Alcyon]

I will not leave myself in a situation if it becomes to much for my own mental health. Above all else, I know that I have to come first, and I promise I take that very seriously.

That being the case, you're gold.

It's hard enough for anyone, ASD, NT, ???, to understand what's going on in their life as they're living it. It's that much more difficult to get it from snippets of information from only one person of a two person situation.

Forty years from now you might struggle to remember his name, or the two of you might still be together. Life is a funny thing...

 

[SpeckledTuna]

That being the case, you're gold.

It's hard enough for anyone, ASD, NT, ???, to understand what's going on in their life as they're living it. It's that much more difficult to get it from snippets of information from only one person of a two person situation.

Forty years from now you might struggle to remember his name, or the two of you might still be together. Life is a funny thing...

Right. I didn't want to over do my original post as it was already pretty lengthy. I just needed information. I'm not very educated when it comes to Aspergers so I had no way of knowing what was deemed as common or what to do in these kinds of situations. I got a lot of insight from this post and it's helped me relax and think things through more clearly. I still don't know what I'm going to do, but at least I have more information and can decide from a different perspective.