Hi

[Tired]

Greeting!
I'm not autistic myself, at least my therapist told me I'm not, but I so understand these social struggles you talk about. For me it was always so much easier finding friends and just amazing people online, so I hope you'll feel at home here.
And I really love the way you wrote everything, you're just so eloquent, it's always hard to imagine that person who so clearly can write their thoughts struggles to convey them irl, yet then again I have similar problems.
do you maybe write books or stuff like that?

 

[Tired]

I've looked out and seen myself in people I love and enjoy, so if I'm happy with them, I have to be happy with myself. If you're awkward, it means you were built in a way that requires more intentionality. Is that a reason to hate someone? No! I would love to meet someone totally awkward and be like "I know exactly what that's like".

I myself love awkward and weir and quirky etc. people, it just makes them so better in my eyes because you can see that they're struggling with stuff, yet they're still functioning and trying their best to fit... it's just somehow both adorable and attractive for me

 

[Levitat0r]

Nope. I don't write books at all. I spent about thirteen years trying to tell a personal story as a witness to human rights violations, and it went nowhere. I'm certainly not going to go into the details here so that I can become a pariah here, too. But what I found is that I, in fact, do not have any talent for reaching people. If I reach anyone here, then we are all in the same boat together; the Reject Boat where nothing can escape out to contaminate the pristine and perfect world.

After the horrible stuff I've seen, I'm not going to trust the same society that kicks me into the gutter to put a medical label on me, and then furthermore, to not begin kicking me even harder for it. I have lots of classical symptoms, everywhere from the aversion to eye contact, to the fixation on esoteric and highly technical details. My most notable problem is that I very consistently offend and repel people without any comprehension as to how or why.

 

[Levitat0r]

I myself love awkward and weir and quirky etc. people, it just makes them so better in my eyes because you can see that they're struggling with stuff, yet they're still functioning and trying their best to fit... it's just somehow both adorable and attractive for me

Well, the time I spent with my one-handed friend taught me a lot about what you are referring to; intimacy with someone's struggles, with the courage they demonstrate facing those, and compassion. It only takes a little bit of compassion to flip things away from "This person is gross because their hand is paralyzed and curled up". "This other person is gross because they don't make eye contact". It's not the awkwardness itself that's attractive, it's their trials and their persistence, and your opportunity to show love. I remember half her tongue was uncoordinated and without normal sensation, and I enjoyed hearing her talk about anything at all because it means she is constantly overcoming a burden whenever she does ordinary things.
I don't feel sorry for myself for the way I am. I'm very satisfied. But it's a big deal, the realization that I'm not gross even though people treat me that way with baffling consistency. There are other people who display my traits, and I like them just fine.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome @Levitator. Hope you enjoy the forum. Let us know if you have any questions about how things work here.

 

[marc_101]

Hello Levitator. Welcome.

 

[Levitat0r]

Hello and welcome @Levitator. Hope you enjoy the forum. Let us know if you have any questions about how things work here.

It's always essential to give a hoot.

OvO

 

[Tired]

Nope. I don't write books at all. I spent about thirteen years trying to tell a personal story as a witness to human rights violations, and it went nowhere. I'm certainly not going to go into the details here so that I can become a pariah here, too. But what I found is that I, in fact, do not have any talent for reaching people. If I reach anyone here, then we are all in the same boat together; the Reject Boat where nothing can escape out to contaminate the pristine and perfect world.

After the horrible stuff I've seen, I'm not going to trust the same society that kicks me into the gutter to put a medical label on me, and then furthermore, to not begin kicking me even harder for it. I have lots of classical symptoms, everywhere from the aversion to eye contact, to the fixation on esoteric and highly technical details. My most notable problem is that I very consistently offend and repel people without any comprehension as to how or why.

Oh, that's so long, I'm so sorry that you went through that and got nothing good in the end out of it
I can't talk about this topic without knowing what happened, and I'm not sure that anything I tell you will make you or that person feel better. I just hope you can continue living your life knowing you fought hard for as long as you could.

Also... do you repel people online, or only irl? We can try to be online friends if you want. But no pressure of course, just saying.

 

[Tired]

Well, the time I spent with my one-handed friend taught me a lot about what you are referring to; intimacy with someone's struggles, with the courage they demonstrate facing those, and compassion. It only takes a little bit of compassion to flip things away from "This person is gross because their hand is paralyzed and curled up". "This other person is gross because they don't make eye contact". It's not the awkwardness itself that's attractive, it's their trials and their persistence, and your opportunity to show love. I remember half her tongue was uncoordinated and without normal sensation, and I enjoyed hearing her talk about anything at all because it means she is constantly overcoming a burden whenever she does ordinary things.
I don't feel sorry for myself for the way I am. I'm very satisfied. But it's a big deal, the realization that I'm not gross even though people treat me that way with baffling consistency. There are other people who display my traits, and I like them just fine.

Im glad that you're satisfied with who you are... I also want you to know that there are people in the world, who don't see you and that another person gross, or people who would grow to like you with time, once they understood that differences don't make you worse in any way... I just wish those people were around you.

 

[Levitat0r]

Im glad that you're satisfied with who you are... I also want you to know that there are people in the world, who don't see you and that another person gross, or people who would grow to like you with time, once they understood that differences don't make you worse in any way... I just wish those people were around you.

I wish those people were around me, too, so that's why I came by the forum. It increases the chances.

 

[Levitat0r]

Oh, that's so long, I'm so sorry that you went through that and got nothing good in the end out of it
I can't talk about this topic without knowing what happened, and I'm not sure that anything I tell you will make you or that person feel better. I just hope you can continue living your life knowing you fought hard for as long as you could.

Also... do you repel people online, or only irl? We can try to be online friends if you want. But no pressure of course, just saying.

That's very kind of you. I very generally fail to make friends. About two nights ago, I met a couple, and they showed me an awesome spot for aspiring musicians. Then, without any warning or explanation, they turned and ditched me there, leaving me without a phone, and potentially without transportation. That is what a normal introduction is like for me in those cases where I get past "hello". Why? I have no idea. I didn't insult them, and I stayed away from my trials and difficulties, which people tend to misinterpret as opinions or "politics". They knew I'm new to the area and working on getting situated, and they could have at least warned me they were leaving, because then I didn't have a phone, I don't have much sense of the area, and since I'm a stranger, I don't have anyone there to rely on to orient myself.

To be friends is certainly welcome, and if nobody gets sick of me here, I will be around, and there will be plenty of opportunity. You seem nice.

 

[Levitat0r]

That's very kind of you. I very generally fail to make friends. About two nights ago, I met a couple, and they showed me an awesome spot for aspiring musicians. Then, without any warning or explanation, they turned and ditched me there, leaving me without a phone, and potentially without transportation. That is what a normal introduction is like for me in those cases where I get past "hello". Why? I have no idea. I didn't insult them, and I stayed away from my trials and difficulties, which people tend to misinterpret as opinions or "politics". They knew I'm new to the area and working on getting situated, and they could have at least warned me they were leaving, because then I didn't have a phone, I don't have much sense of the area, and since I'm a stranger, I don't have anyone there to rely on to orient myself.

To be friends is certainly welcome, and if nobody gets sick of me here, I will be around, and there will be plenty of opportunity. You seem nice.

Come to think of it, as I was thinking back to that afternoon, I think I remember the moment they ditched me in essence, before they physically walked off in a hurry to pretend I don't exist. I remember stumbling over some comment. It was some joke that went nowhere. That's like an opportunity for someone to see under your skin and realize you don't work the same way they do. Most come off to me like people who don't give any thought to what they are going to say, and if they catch you mentally working at a joke or a comment; that's it, you're done. You're less than a "droid" to them, because you're not spontaneous. It sucks.

From my perspective, it's like having to nail a perfect score at something precarious like golf or Guitar Hero, because the instant you miss a beat, they throw tomatoes at you. The worst thing is that they themselves detest the criteria they used to deprecate you, and if you do anything whatsoever for them to stumble over the awareness of their own standards or behavior, they get even more offended. But never at themselves.

 

[Tired]

That's very kind of you. I very generally fail to make friends. About two nights ago, I met a couple, and they showed me an awesome spot for aspiring musicians. Then, without any warning or explanation, they turned and ditched me there, leaving me without a phone, and potentially without transportation. That is what a normal introduction is like for me in those cases where I get past "hello". Why? I have no idea. I didn't insult them, and I stayed away from my trials and difficulties, which people tend to misinterpret as opinions or "politics". They knew I'm new to the area and working on getting situated, and they could have at least warned me they were leaving, because then I didn't have a phone, I don't have much sense of the area, and since I'm a stranger, I don't have anyone there to rely on to orient myself.

To be friends is certainly welcome, and if nobody gets sick of me here, I will be around, and there will be plenty of opportunity. You seem nice.

I need to tell you that that was very brave of you to just go randomly with two people you just met while being a total stranger to the area, I would totally be spooked. And damn... I really don't understand them, I just hope you were okay after that, and... please don't go around without phone? That's kinda a rule nowadays

Feel free to write me in DM if you wanna talk more, or we can of course continue chatting here about random stuff, whatever you prefer

 

[Tired]

Come to think of it, as I was thinking back to that afternoon, I think I remember the moment they ditched me in essence, before they physically walked off in a hurry to pretend I don't exist. I remember stumbling over some comment. It was some joke that went nowhere. That's like an opportunity for someone to see under your skin and realize you don't work the same way they do. Most come off to me like people who don't give any thought to what they are going to say, and if they catch you mentally working at a joke or a comment; that's it, you're done. You're less than a "droid" to them, because you're not spontaneous. It sucks.

From my perspective, it's like having to nail a perfect score at something precarious like golf or Guitar Hero, because the instant you miss a beat, they throw tomatoes at you. The worst thing is that they themselves detest the criteria they used to deprecate you, and if you do anything whatsoever for them to stumble over the awareness of their own standards or behavior, they get even more offended. But never at themselves.

Well, people are selfloving arses most of the time, but it's still weird to just ditch a guy because he doesn't understand jokes... just like, don't joke or explain jokes so that he can laugh or at least not feel stupid about it, I dunno... I'm sorry you're going through that, I can see from your text how it frustrates you

 

[Levitat0r]

I need to tell you that that was very brave of you to just go randomly with two people you just met while being a total stranger to the area, I would totally be spooked. And damn... I really don't understand them, I just hope you were okay after that, and... please don't go around without phone? That's kinda a rule nowadays

Feel free to write me in DM if you wanna talk more, or we can of course continue chatting here about random stuff, whatever you prefer

Your concern is very kind. I actually have been moving around really chaotically due to life circumstances and am just now trying to get settled. I bought a super-cheap phone compatible with my new region, but it was so cheap it broke immediately and they wouldn't honor the warranty.

They weren't entirely random strangers. I was introduced by a business partner, and still they treated me that way. Yes, it's spooky, but like I said, that's what you resort to to pursue a social existence; and somehow, it's never enough. What you've got to offer emotionally and socially; they don't want any. They don't tell you what the problem was, either, so you never improve.

 

[Levitat0r]

Well, people are selfloving arses most of the time, but it's still weird to just ditch a guy because he doesn't understand jokes... just like, don't joke or explain jokes so that he can laugh or at least not feel stupid about it, I dunno... I'm sorry you're going through that, I can see from your text how it frustrates you

No, it wasn't because I didn't understand jokes, I think it's because I stumbled over a dumb joke, and it made it obvious that I sit and think about what I say before I say it. I don't think most people do that, much less during fun-time, and if you do that in a recreational setting, they think you are fake or incompetent at fun.

 

[Tired]

Your concern is very kind. I actually have been moving around really chaotically due to life circumstances and am just now trying to get settled. I bought a super-cheap phone compatible with my new region, but it was so cheap it broke immediately and they wouldn't honor the warranty.

They weren't entirely random strangers. I was introduced by a business partner, and still they treated me that way. Yes, it's spooky, but like I said, that's what you resort to to pursue a social existence; and somehow, it's never enough. What you've got to offer emotionally and socially; they don't want any. They don't tell you what the problem was, either, so you never improve.

Ugh, where are those people, I'll go kick them, what the hell... you don't do that to another person

 

[Levitat0r]

No, it wasn't because I didn't understand jokes, I think it's because I stumbled over a dumb joke, and it made it obvious that I sit and think about what I say before I say it. I don't think most people do that, much less during fun-time, and if you do that in a recreational setting, they think you are fake or incompetent at fun.

But the really frustrating thing is that it's always something. You're not put together the same as them, and you will never patch all of the potholes in the road. If you ever did, they would still get angry at you over the seams and bumps left. Have you ever bent a piece of metal in half and then tried to bend it back into its original shape? It doesn't work, and that's why you should never try to bend yourself to satisfy anyone else.

 

[Tired]

No, it wasn't because I didn't understand jokes, I think it's because I stumbled over a dumb joke, and it made it obvious that I sit and think about what I say before I say it. I don't think most people do that, much less during fun-time, and if you do that in a recreational setting, they think you are fake or incompetent at fun.

Well if their jokes are dumb, then it's totally their fault, even though it's polite to laugh at people's jokes, not all jokes are fun and polite themselves, I myself wouldn't laugh at them too, because this is kind of how you teach people that dumb jokes suck, next time think about making better ones

 

[Tired]

But the really frustrating thing is that it's always something. You're not put together the same as them, and you will never patch all of the potholes in the road. If you ever did, they would still get angry at you over the seams and bumps left. Have you ever bent a piece of metal in half and then tried to bend it back into its original shape? It doesn't work, and that's why you should never try to bend yourself to satisfy anyone else.

I don't think this is as much about autism, as about you just having stupid people around you, and oh yes the world is filled with primarily basic people with their basic needs and dumb jokes. Sometimes just looking better, or being smarter by for example knowing a lot of different things which they dont know will also push people away from you, because then they'll not feel comfortable around you for another reasons. As you said, some people will always find a reason to dislike you, while other people will actively try to search for a reason to understand you.