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Hi

Tired Anna said:
Well if their jokes are dumb, then it's totally their fault, even though it's polite to laugh at people's jokes, not all jokes are fun and polite themselves, I myself wouldn't laugh at them too, because this is kind of how you teach people that dumb jokes suck, next time think about making better ones
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It was my joke, though. The problem is that I let them see how hard I work at coming up with things to say, and I think that's the thing that puts people off. If you sit there and vegetate, they don't want you around. If they catch you exerting to express friendship, they detest that, too. Kids have a word for it; it's called a "try-hard". They never abandon the concept as adults, either, they just learn enough tact to stop mentioning why they are nasty to people without justification.
 
Levitator said:
It was my joke, though. The problem is that I let them see how hard I work at coming up with things to say, and I think that's the thing that puts people off. If you sit there and vegetate, they don't want you around. If they catch you exerting to express friendship, they detest that, too. Kids have a word for it; it's called a "try-hard". They never abandon the concept as adults, either, they just learn enough tact to stop mentioning why they are nasty to people without justification.
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But you don't seem to be trying hard, you're just trying to be yourself while also trying to be likable, that's literally what all people do when they're in the new company and are trying to look okay and friendly with everyone
 
Tired Anna said:
I don't think this is as much about autism, as about you just having stupid people around you, and oh yes the world is filled with primarily basic people with their basic needs and dumb jokes. Sometimes just looking better, or being smarter by for example knowing a lot of different things which they dont know will also push people away from you, because then they'll not feel comfortable around you for another reasons. As you said, some people will always find a reason to dislike you, while other people will actively try to search for a reason to understand you.
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I used to subscribe to the "wrong crowd" theory, but after traveling internationally, what I find is that every crowd is the wrong one. Just like I have an aversion to looking people in the eyes, the human race has an aversion to making friends with me. It's stuff that's unfortunately built into the way we are, and in an ideal world, people would examine their behavior and try to exceed themselves, but they don't, and you can't ask them politely to stop being exceedingly cruel to you collectively, by a thousand cuts. It makes them nastier to show them introspection, or even to imply to them indirectly what they are like.
Yes, I can "man-up" and look people in the eyes, but being sociable is some shade or degree of intimacy, and if you have to force yourself to do something unnatural, you're already bending yourself out of shape; it doesn't work, it doesn't send the desired message. They will just go "What does that forced stare mean? It's not natural."
 
Tired Anna said:
But you don't seem to be trying hard, you're just trying to be yourself while also trying to be likable, that's literally what all people do when they're in the new company and are trying to look okay and friendly with everyone
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Yes, it boils down to; I do what other people do, but when I do it, it's "wrong" in some subtle and undefinable way. Welcome to my world. It's very painful and exasperating.
 
Levitator said:
Yes, it boils down to; I do what other people do, but when I do it, it's "wrong" in some subtle and undefinable way. Welcome to my world. It's very painful and exasperating.
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And no, the "I'm too smart for people" theory, as ego-serving as it is, is not the explanation, because I can't even greet people successfully. Is it posture? Is it eye contact? Is it inflection? Is it style? I don't know, I'm not changing all that crap to satisfy anyone, and as I said, they would never be satisfied. If by some freak chance they were, they would turn around and dislike me the moment I got tired and stopped mimicking their standards.
 
It's just that here, when you write messages to me, you sound smarter, more eloquent and emotionally mature than most of the people I know irl. Maybe I would have different opinion on you if I met you irl, most probably I would still see you the same way, we both don't know, because i just cant imagine what is it you're doing and saying irl, that makes all the people behave like that around you. but right here and now you just sound, I dunno, perfect?
Did you try to first talk to people online, and only then after talking enough go out with them irl?
 
Levitator said:
And no, the "I'm too smart for people" theory, as ego-serving as it is, is not the explanation, because I can't even greet people successfully. Is it posture? Is it eye contact? Is it inflection? Is it style? I don't know, I'm not changing all that crap to satisfy anyone, and as I said, they would never be satisfied. If by some freak chance they were, they would turn around and dislike me the moment I got tired and stopped mimicking their standards.
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And furthermore, as I said. People tell jokes. I tell jokes. But when people see underneath, what I'm doing internally to come up with stuff to say. They don't like that, and that will always be the case. I loved my mumbly friend's dumb-sounding voice because I knew she was a very bright person in reality, and that sound was the price she paid to overcome the way she was made, and I loved to hear her speak despite her disability. My mouth works fine. My brain works different, and people have no sympathy for that. They don't see me reaching across a rift to be their friend. They see me as incompetent.
 
Tired Anna said:
It's just that here, when you write messages to me, you sound smarter, more eloquent and emotionally mature than most of the people I know irl. Maybe I would have different opinion on you if I met you irl, most probably I would still see you the same way, we both don't know, because i just cant imagine what is it you're doing and saying irl, that makes all the people behave like that around you. but right here and now you just sound, I dunno, perfect?
Did you try to first talk to people online, and only then after talking enough go out with them irl?
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That's the thing, though. There are people who are massively and obviously disabled in person, like that girl Carly Fleischmann, and you give them a keyboard and; shocker, they're a human being. If I record a video of myself speaking, I look normal to myself, and yet somehow I can spend 1.5 decades alone because it just doesn't work in practice.
 
Levitator said:
And no, the "I'm too smart for people" theory, as ego-serving as it is, is not the explanation, because I can't even greet people successfully. Is it posture? Is it eye contact? Is it inflection? Is it style? I don't know, I'm not changing all that crap to satisfy anyone, and as I said, they would never be satisfied. If by some freak chance they were, they would turn around and dislike me the moment I got tired and stopped mimicking their standards.
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And in no way you should change anything, no one needs to out themselves in some frames to fit the society, because that will never make you happy, even if you do somehow successfully fool them.
I really wish I could help you more, but we're very different, because compare to you I'm fine with having friends online, but I have none irl because I just don't like people around me, so I don't want them to be my friend.
The only thing I can suggest, which is probably the thing you already know, is to just continue meeting new people, sooner or later you'll meet someone who'll like you just the way you are, with your maybe dorky clothes, or your maybe different posture, or someone will find the way you can't look in their eyes adorable.
There are a lot of groups for people with disabilities, ADS etc around cities, you can try them too if you didn't already. Try also going for example in some reading clubs, tabletop gaming clubs etc, this is the place where quirky and quiet people often go to just relax and have fun.
Just... don't go without a mobile anymore :)
 
Tired Anna said:
And in no way you should change anything, no one needs to out themselves in some frames to fit the society, because that will never make you happy, even if you do somehow successfully fool them.
I really wish I could help you more, but we're very different, because compare to you I'm fine with having friends online, but I have none irl because I just don't like people around me, so I don't want them to be my friend.
The only thing I can suggest, which is probably the thing you already know, is to just continue meeting new people, sooner or later you'll meet someone who'll like you just the way you are, with your maybe dorky clothes, or your maybe different posture, or someone will find the way you can't look in their eyes adorable.
There are a lot of groups for people with disabilities, ADS etc around cities, you can try them too if you didn't already. Try also going for example in some reading clubs, tabletop gaming clubs etc, this is the place where quirky and quiet people often go to just relax and have fun.
Just... don't go without a mobile anymore :)
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I appreciate the effort. I've definitely tried traveling in the expected "nerd" circles, and it just hasn't worked in a very long time. As I said, I do have optimism a person eventually learns to love people both for how they are and how they aren't; just like how my friend's impairments only served to intensify the love I felt for her. In the end, I have more faith than ever, and the hope that God is an author of stories driven by purpose and love.
 
Levitator said:
I appreciate the effort. I've definitely tried traveling in the expected "nerd" circles, and it just hasn't worked in a very long time. As I said, I do have optimism a person eventually learns to love people both for how they are and how they aren't; just like how my friend's impairments only served to intensify the love I felt for her. In the end, I have more faith than ever, and the hope that God is an author of stories driven by purpose and love.
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And the other thing is; I don't feel disordered. I feel like I have very much in common with people who are labeled as disordered. However, what is the name for the disorder that causes one to hate, ostracize, and to be unable to make friends with someone because their thoughts are organized differently or their emotions express differently? That's a pretty major disorder, it has no name, and it has never been documented or defined.
 
Levitator said:
And the other thing is; I don't feel disordered. I feel like I have very much in common with people who are labeled as disordered. However, what is the name for the disorder that causes one to hate, ostracize, and to be unable to make friends with someone because their thoughts are organized differently or their emotions express differently? That's a pretty major disorder, it has no name, and it has never been documented or defined.
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I have a lot of names for that diagnosis but it's against chat rules to say those words :D
 
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