Hiding it with alcohol?

[MC1Rcat]

I have stopped drinking before. Cold turkey. No withdrawals except for a hangover on the first day. I quit once from 25 beers per night. Once or twice from about a liter of gin or whiskey every night. Each time the drinking had gone on for years. I never had a problem quitting except that I had to deal with life in color again. No doubt it’s why I’m right back here again.

My goal this time is to taper down over time. Maybe 2-3 weeks. Life is really difficult and it’s more for me about having a sanctuary to look forward to each day. I have never had cravings during the day for booze. My world is chaotic. The stress builds. I’m desperate by the time I get home for a place to go that is not only quiet, but satisfies my responsibilities as a husband/father/homeowner. That sanctuary is inside my head after a lit of liquor.

Sounds horrible right? It’s actually not that bad. And hangovers are not at all difficult, even helpful at times. I cannot even think about anyone else’s crap when I’m barely handling my own. And my wife would prefer I didn’t embarrass myself occasionally in front of our son or neighbors, but she sort of enjoys me on alcohol. I’m funny, patient, willing to sit through a movie she picked and enjoy it (instead of going outside to work on something that can wait), all the good stuff she wants in a husband. How do I know? She hears me via text from work that I’m stressing and the cocktail is waiting at the door when I get home.

I need a better outlet. Meditation is way worse because I have so much garbage bouncing around in my head that ‘quiet’ time is like Chinese water torture .

You should taper down slowly if you are doing it at home on your own. If you want to go cold turkey, you really should be on Ativan in a hospital. Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you if you quit cold turkey, especially after going on a binge.
I found out about this the hard way when my father (functional alcoholic for 40 years) decided to come to town to visit me after he had gone off alcohol cold turkey for a day and a half. He had gone on a binge due to the holidays and stopped for a day before flying because he felt like he was getting sick. He arrived off the plane with a fever, DTs and was hallucinating. I took him to the emergency room at the hospital and they said that if I had waited a couple more hours, he would have gone into a coma and could have died. He had no idea what was going on. He was in hospital for a month and a half and didn't know who I was half the time. He has never started drinking again.
Please be careful.

 

[Rodafina]

@AspieChris

As you look toward possibly reducing your alcohol intake or even eventually quitting, don’t be afraid to seek help. Therapy, AA groups, Smart Recovery, or other avenues that put you in touch with specialists in addiction or recovering addicts can all be really useful. Even though we think we can do it on our own, it seems to be one of those things in life where some sort of understanding and support can help us on our way.

 

[AspieChris]

I have sort of a standing rule when it comes to alcohol. You gotta pay the piper. Even when I’m drinking too much, I always sober up completely once per day for a few hours minimum. It’s probably what has saved me from serious withdrawals in the past.

This time definitely feels different, more serious. I appreciate the advice. I think I’ll stick to my once per day rule and taper for the next couple of weeks. I’m already taking Lyrica for neuropathy. I have read that it’s helpful for alcohol withdrawals also.

 

[MNAus]

Haha, yeah, I hear you on the whole meditation/mindfulness thing (no judging anyone for whom it works). Here's some questions for you:
- Do you have any hobbies?
- Do you have any friends?
- What do you do (other than have a beer) that takes your mind off every day stresses?

If you're anything like me your answers are something like "no", "no, just my wife's friends" and "nothing". If that's the case then you can see what I mean by work-life balance. Even your evening off is spent on duty (being the good husband or doing a job that would otherwise nag at you). You need to sort that out. It's faulty thinking and it's steering you down negative pathways.

When you were younger and the world was your oyster, that drive and work ethic probably felt like it would achieve something, so had a positive vibe. Now it feels thankless, but it's YOU choosing to do all this stuff. It's your go to response: "what should I be doing?" but it's now leading to things like resentment, stress, frustration. That's how you reacted to things when you were younger, and it's done a lot for you, but now it is not a response that works. I think a lot of guys have this. Getting things done feels positive when you're young as you can still mould the world, but it can lead to angry old man as you get older and you find your goals might be out of reach and the list of chores you set yourself never ends.

Have you ever been to a party where the host won't sit down? Where they spend the whole time running round getting things. At the beginning it's helpful, and you're amazed at the spread of food and drinks. But after a while, it can become distracting or irritating. They're there, but they're not there. Your wife is leaving you a drink because she doesn't have any answers either and, like you, recognises that a cocktail will do for now until a better answer appears.

I would suggest you have a chat with a psychologist who can help you unpick this. At some point you've learned this as your go to response, but you need more ways to respond. You're probably under crazy stress, seeing yourself as obliged to keep smashing out the work or everything collapses (black/white thinking and catastrophising), worrying that you can't cope if the disaster strikes, discounting past successes, feeling obligations heavily, etc. It's easily done when you've had to depend on yourself alone all your life, and then others come to depend on you too. But you're actually UNDERPERFORMING with this approach.

 

[AspieChris]

Have you ever been to a party where the host won't sit down? Where they spend the whole time running round getting things. At the beginning it's helpful, and you're amazed at the spread of food and drinks. But after a while, it can become distracting or irritating. They're there, but they're not there.

Totally describing my life.

I tried a psychiatrist 3 or 4 times since I was 20 years old. They genuinely want to help but have no clue what I’m dealing with. It sounds like you have a future in psychiatry for Asperger’s in married old men. It’s a niche market.

A shrink without specific experience in Asperger’s is like a poor, homeless black man in 1950 going to see a psychiatrist who is rich and white. Try though they might, It’s not possible for the Dr to truly understand the stress that the patient is under. And without understanding….. I’m too intelligent and I’ll always keep my mask on tight without giving him any clues.

I’ll get there. I can see that you understand, and I appreciate the support. Hopefully responses like yours here will give me some determination to be a better person, without alcohol.

Thank you MNAus

 

[Wolfiedog]

Been there.
Still doing that.
i never realized it at the time, but i used it for anxiety control.
Once i realized i had an anxiety problem, i got some medication which helped, but it doesn't really conquer it.
It seems as the years wear on, the symptoms of autism and ADHD get worse, and i still return to drinking. i try to keep it to one evening a week, but something always happens to trigger me and ruin that plan. i drink three to four nights a week just to keep everything from anxiety to depression away.
i do hope you can find a better way to deal with things.

 

[AspieChris]

@AspieChris

As you look toward possibly reducing your alcohol intake or even eventually quitting, don’t be afraid to seek help. Therapy, AA groups, Smart Recovery, or other avenues that put you in touch with specialists in addiction or recovering addicts can all be really useful. Even though we think we can do it on our own, it seems to be one of those things in life where some sort of understanding and support can help us on our way.

You have been a friend since I joined here Rodafina. I hope that this forum can become my version of AA. I hate appointments and meetings. I’ll dodge AA meetings simply because it’s not part of my routine. At least I know myself well enough to not try, get stressed, and drink to solve the stress of trying to go to a meeting.

 

[Rodafina]

You have been a friend since I joined here Rodafina. I hope that this forum can become my version of AA. I hate appointments and meetings. I’ll dodge AA meetings simply because it’s not part of my routine. At least I know myself well enough to not try, get stressed, and drink to solve the stress of trying to go to a meeting.

I am the same as you. I tried meetings, but they did not work for my sensory and social challenges. I think it’s the idea of it that works, not necessarily going to meeting themselves.

People have pushed me into it, but it was exactly as you said. More stress, more drugs and alcohol to deal with it. But, the principle of being among other addicts, supporting each other, and eventually helping others in the same situation, I think is very valuable. Fortunately, we are very free to talk about those things here. That has been extremely helpful to me.

We can be a support to you. I have found that here, too.

 

[AspieChris]

Been there.
Still doing that.
i never realized it at the time, but i used it for anxiety control.
Once i realized i had an anxiety problem, i got some medication which helped, but it doesn't really conquer it.
It seems as the years wear on, the symptoms of autism and ADHD get worse, and i still return to drinking. i try to keep it to one evening a week, but something always happens to trigger me and ruin that plan. i drink three to four nights a week just to keep everything from anxiety to depression away.
i do hope you can find a better way to deal with things.

I’m on Lyrica now for spinal nerve damage. It’s actually helping! Believe it or not, I keep a ledger in my car where I write down every bit of gas. I’m actually getting about 15% better mileage out of my 1999 Camry. I noticed that I’m driving less aggressively and arriving home a bit less frustrated. I hope it can be a solution for the stress, as well as the neuropathy.

 

[Metalhead]

When I first gave up the booze, it was because I did not want to keep letting down my friends. But now I feel more alert generally. More energized. I feel less of an urge to whine. Alcohol made me whinier than usual.

The first couple of months are the hardest.

 

[MildredHubble]

I'm not drawing a comparison here, just describing my relationship with alcohol and how I was kinda introduced to alcohol. Just wanted to try and make that clear first

My mother had a bad drink problem (and some drug issues at times). She used to drag me out under the pretence that we were going shopping, but we'd always end up in a pub with bags of defrosting groceries around us. "Just one..." She'd always say. She'd buy one for me too, and I would reluctantly drink it. But one turned into 2, turned into 4...8...10....

She used me as her enabler. I noticed that my social anxiety would be reduced after a drink, but I really didn't enjoy the other effects. If I tried to leave the pub before she'd had her fill she'd start being verbally abusive and humiliate me in front of basic strangers. This made my social anxiety worse. I associated drinking environments with a feeling of deep anxiety.

I started to rely on alcohol to relax me in social situations or to slow me down when manic, but it was always a busted flush. If I was too quiet, I would just feel sick and be completely mute and dizzy. If I was manic I would be swinging from the chandeliers.

I don't drink at all now. I never really got into the habit. The only times I would drink "voluntarily" really would be when my mood was getting high, and that's not a good mix. Then 8-10 months of the year was depression and teetotal.

The way I look it now is that alcohol just enhanced whatever state I was in with maybe the illusion of being numbed.

So I stay well away from it now. I don't miss it even slightly.

 

[Metalhead]

In my case, alcohol failed to hide my insecurities. It boosted them instead.

 

[MildredHubble]

In my case, alcohol failed to hide my insecurities. It boosted them instead.

I look at alcohol like this: It's a solvent, it's very good at dissolving things, including executive control and inhibition.

Better to use it as a cleaning agent rather than a social lubricant! It's lubrication properties have been vastly overstated

 

[MNAus]

It sounds like you have a future in psychiatry for Asperger’s in married old men. It’s a niche market.

You know what? I don't think it is niche. I think there are an absolute ton of blokes out there who struggle with undiagnosed Aspie/ASD symptoms but just got told things like "men aren't in touch with their feelings" (like it's a fault), loaded down like pack horses and told to go work. So they do, they see themselves as the logical problem solvers. It brings them a degree of success when they're younger, but surprise, surprise they get to their 50s with a ton of problems.

A shrink without specific experience in Asperger’s is like a poor, homeless black man in 1950 going to see a psychiatrist who is rich and white. Try though they might, It’s not possible for the Dr to truly understand the stress that the patient is under. And without understanding….. I’m too intelligent and I’ll always keep my mask on tight without giving him any clues.

Yeah, I get the analogy. You need someone who understands the way you understand the world. I have a psychologist who has a pretty good go at it, and she does challenge that view of the world. Because it's not helpful any more. That's just going to be one of the lessons we face: our instinctive way of viewing the world (whether that's inherent from being ASD or learned as a mechanism for dealing with the world) is no longer going to work. It takes conscious effort to think differently. E.g. avoiding black/white thinking of "if I'm not actively managing things, it'll all go wrong". Centre of it all is letting yourself off the hook, losing that sense of urgency, which can feel like desperation.

I’ll get there. I can see that you understand, and I appreciate the support. Hopefully responses like yours here will give me some determination to be a better person, without alcohol.

Thank you MNAus

No problem. I think we're a social group that gets overlooked too often. We're really useful, and the ASD can tend to mean we don't make much noise, so we just get on with stuff. I think you're owed a break.

EDIT: On that last point. My psychologist utterly surprised me the other day. I was telling her about a situation that has happened often, about how I'd screwed up because I couldn't read the social dynamic, the damage caused, etc. The point of the story was very much "this is something I need to improve, look at the problems I caused". She said "I think you could have a legitimate grievance there, they should have met you in the middle". It struck me that even with ASD it's been my burden to change to fit the world. So I put it on the to-do list that I needed to be fixed and, well, that's my job to do along with the rest. At no point did it strike me that I was owed a break, I had a right to be met in the middle. That doesn't mean I could expect that or would get that, but that I didn't have to always take on the burden.

You have as much right as anyone to a happy life.

 

[Raggamuffin]

We all want to numb out pain, especially when it becomes prolonged and unbearable.

Ed

 

[AspieChris]

The way I look it now is that alcohol just enhanced whatever state I was in with maybe the illusion of being numbed.

There was a great quote from Bill Cosby in the 70’s. He was talking about cocaine, but it totally fits with liquor.

“It enhances your personality….. but what if you’re an a**hole?!”

When I’m manic, it gives me boundless energy and awesome ideas. When I’m depressed, it makes me more depressed but it has probably saved me from suicide (when I’m in really bad shape) more than 100 times. I just keep saying “one more, it’ll be OK”. Unfortunately it has been a valuable friend almost every time.

It helps in the bedroom too. I think it’s because my senses are always turned up way too high and it lowers the volume just enough for me to ‘perform’ properly.

 

[AspieChris]

So much for tapering. I sucked down almost a liter of gin last night. Not exactly part of the plan.

I’ve quit drinking. I’ve quit plenty of things that are bad for me, without going into details…. some pretty awful stuff. Tapering only ever leads to consuming more than ever. It’s going to have to be cold turkey again this time.

I know that these things are because of my ASD. Life builds up to a mountain of stress at the end of every day and once the pressure starts to get relieved, I just can’t stop myself from wanting more relief. I don’t even think I’m an addict as much as I’m actually just desperate.

 

[AspieChris]

Tapering isn’t working at all….. I’m going to try and cold turkey this problem. I know I’ll give in tonight and have at least a little alcohol. That’s usually how this goes. But it’s 10:30 in the morning and my plan right now is to have none.

 

[Rodafina]

Tapering isn’t working at all….. I’m going to try and cold turkey this problem. I know I’ll give in tonight and have at least a little alcohol. That’s usually how this goes. But it’s 10:30 in the morning and my plan right now is to have none.

Been there, too. You know what you want. Keep trying, be safe, and keep hope alive. Here for you if venting helps.

 

[AspieChris]

Been there, too. You know what you want. Keep trying, be safe, and keep hope alive. Here for you if venting helps.

It’s just difficult because it’s more of a prescribed medication than an addiction. Also, it’s part of my routine. Going back to not having relief from the daily noise and stress, and changing a routine, sounds unbearable.

Long before I knew I was Autistic, I thought I was diabetic because I needed to eat every 4 hours or I would get dizzy and feel like I was going to pass out. It was really because it was my ‘routine’ . If I changed it, I would suffer horribly for days. The alcohol thing at 3:00 every day is obviously something very similar. The problem is that 1 cocktail becomes 10. And if I can’t taste the liquor, I’m not scratching the itch.

My problem is a lit more like a problem of changing a routine without losing my mind. Obviously I’m a textbook functioning alcoholic. But it’s soooo much deeper than that.