When I first started suspecting I could be autistic or somewhere in the spectrum, my mean inner voice automatically started attacking me.
I told myself I just wanted a way out. I told myself that I am so selfish, lazy and hardhearted that I just wanted to be autistic so I could have a pass.
But the truth is, that it would indeed help me feel a bit more normal if I am autistic.
I could stop trying to change myself, to make myself look more acceptable in other people's eyes.
I spent my whole life wanting to not be selfish, not be lazy, not be cold and uncaring, etc.
I tried so hard, since I can remember, but was never able to change all that.
I learnt how to respond correctly to most situations, to control my tantrums (to a certain extent), to show appropriate levels of emotion most of the time. But I know very well that if I were to open my mouth and speak my mind to the world at large, most would be put off and distance themselves from me completely.
So yeah... I do want to have that official positive diagnosis of autism. then I will know that it's not "all my fault".
There's something in me that can't be changed, just like what number of shoes I wear, my eye colour, or my real height.
I told myself I just wanted a way out. I told myself that I am so selfish, lazy and hardhearted that I just wanted to be autistic so I could have a pass.
But the truth is, that it would indeed help me feel a bit more normal if I am autistic.
I could stop trying to change myself, to make myself look more acceptable in other people's eyes.
I spent my whole life wanting to not be selfish, not be lazy, not be cold and uncaring, etc.
I tried so hard, since I can remember, but was never able to change all that.
I learnt how to respond correctly to most situations, to control my tantrums (to a certain extent), to show appropriate levels of emotion most of the time. But I know very well that if I were to open my mouth and speak my mind to the world at large, most would be put off and distance themselves from me completely.
So yeah... I do want to have that official positive diagnosis of autism. then I will know that it's not "all my fault".
There's something in me that can't be changed, just like what number of shoes I wear, my eye colour, or my real height.