How did you know?

[Aspychata]

Update: I quit my job just now. I know I'll have benefits until the end of the year at least so I plan to use that time to find something more suitable.
(I am so scared.)

Good luck, sometimes the best things happen when we are scared, nervous, unsure, that's when we throw caution to the wind, and try to scale the mamath wall in front of us because we know we have too. There is a fit for you too, you just have to hustle to find it. l found a dream job but part-time, it's a little bit exercise, a bit social, it's impromptu, fast, and l am learning something everyday, but l didn't expect this to be a good fit. l need to get to the 40 hour labor intensive work week, but this has given me a lot of confidence.

 

[Otenba]

Update: I quit my job just now. I know I'll have benefits until the end of the year at least so I plan to use that time to find something more suitable.
(I am so scared.)

Best wishes to you finding something new that makes you happy. I've not made the jump to quit but I have been looking around with not much joy for some time (years). I hope you have a lot more success than I have been having. Power to you for doing what you needed to do.

 

[luna88]

I totally feel for you LadyBird. This has been the theme of my life for the past few years. I'm diagnosed "high functioning" as well and even passed as "normal" for a while, but underneath always knew something was different about how I functioned in the world. I made the decision in graduate school to take a medical leave of absence from school and I quit my nanny job because I was able to live off my student loans at the time, to focus totally on healing. It was definitely the right decision. My nervous system had blown out from my lifestyle trying to pass as NT for too long (long distance running + very social active/sensory overload jobs + driving cross country solo to a new place ect...). I did feel some shame and guilt initially, and that was projected towards me from my family as well which was hard- but quickly got over it because it felt so good to focus on my healing. I thought about it in a scientific way: ie my nervous system clearly needs to rest and be restored for me to be able to live my life fully, and this job/school is only making me feel worse/it's doing the opposite and sending my NS into a fractured fight-flight state, so I'm going to create a healing lifestyle for myself and remove everything that's not healing. (I filled my life with things like spending time in nature, going to healers, massage, yoga, saunas, music lessons, eating healing foods ect...) Gradually I got better, it definitely worked and felt worth it, but I'm currently still in the place of getting into a career path that aligns with my neurodiverse needs, however am in a much more grounded place to do that now.

I think sometimes you have to move backward to go forward as the saying goes!

For those of you who have been in this situation:
How did you know you had gotten to the point where you could no longer work (as much)?

I have ‘high functioning’ (I don’t really like the term) autism and work part time. I find that I think about work all the time. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. I’m tired a lot. I’ve given up other things I used to do in my time off: volunteering, hobby's, reading, the little bit of social life. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I’ve been losing weight. My husband says he’s worried. I can’t focus on other things anymore.

(My job is not very autism friendly. It’s loud and chaotic and there are many social interactions.)

I think that maybe I can’t handle (this type of) work at the moment and maybe I need to ask to work fewer hours.
But I struggle to admit that I cannot.do.this.

So I guess what I’m asking is..
How do you know you got to the point where it was better to work less or stop working? Or where you just couldn’t do it anymore?

I’m privileged enough to be in the situation where this is an actual possibility (at least for now).

I want to be able to hold down a job and support myself.
I can hold down a job and support myself.
I just don’t know if I’m sacrificing my mental health while I’m at it.
How do I know?
For some reason it feels like I’m not a valid human being if I can’t make this work.

I hope this made sense.
It's kind of all over the place.

(I want to make clear that I don't think people need to work to be of value. Not at all. (Not a fan of capitalism.) I just can’t seem to apply this to myself.)

Thanks for reading.

 

[Jojo_LB]

One of my obsessions is writing. I have so many journals (e-journals, notebooks). Looking back through them, I'm able to see where all of my serious troubles began.

Around spring of 2016, I was already showing signs of real struggle. I was going to therapy. I was writing often, being grateful for things every single day, doing those affirmations. I fluctuated so much. I was fighting it as hard as I could. I wouldn't admit defeat, because I thought it was out of the question.

I started taking meds again in the summer of 2017. And I still kept fighting the feeling that I couldn't do as much as I used to anymore. I kept pulling back in different areas of my life, little by little, to see if that would change anything. I vowed to be a much more attentive parent to my child.

Well that pretty much spelled the end of my ability to do pretty much anything at all. Being an attentive parent, trying to figure out how to keep the peace in this household with a hormonal 11-year old with ADHD and is also possibly autistic, while also trying to figure out what was wrong with me, took every bit of strength out of me. By the Fall of 2017, I could barely take public transportation anymore. I started skipping classes. I couldn't cook anymore. I started just ordering out for every single meal, or doing all grocery shopping online so my husband could take over cooking duties.

I could barely take care of myself anymore too. I wasn't keeping up with my hygiene as well as I used to. I kept wearing the same few clothes 'cause it was just easy.

I thought I was getting deeply depressed. But I wasn't depressed, really. I felt OK at home. And I felt OK doing the things I usually liked to do. I was just tired all the damn time. If it wasn't extremely easy, I wasn't going to do it.

And now, I am almost just not functioning at all. My ADHD is being treated, so I've seen some improvements in mood, anxiety levels, sleep, and staying on tasks. But I can't bring myself to do anything anymore. My brain resists. I am exhausted and down for the count every day by 2-3 PM.

It was really bewildering and even kind of frightening to see what happened to me. I'm trying to not freak out some days. What is helping me is keeping to these really strict routines every single weekday. When I do have to do something that involves leaving the house (oh no, stimuli!!!), I prepare as best as I can, with as much time in advance as I can. And then I bring stuff with me to stay calm and occupied.

 

[tlc]

I think I might be getting there and it scares me. I've been missing a lot of things lately, no matter how much time I spend on a drawing, that used to be obvious even just last year. I've been transposing letters and misspelling things a lot lately, and that only used to rarely happen and when it did I'd see it right away. The noise at work makes it worse, but it happens sitting here at home where it's quiet too. Been forgetting things like the code to get into one of the rooms at work, I've known it for 10 years but one day I couldn't remember it for a half hour. And at the fast food place last week I totally didn't remember that other things came on the chicken sandwich and was surprised when I got it. I've known this for over 20 years. I'm afraid I'm going to mess up some big important structure at work and then the decision will be made for me.

 

[WolfSpirit]

For those of you who have been in this situation:
How did you know you had gotten to the point where you could no longer work (as much)?

I have ‘high functioning’ (I don’t really like the term) autism and work part time. I find that I think about work all the time. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. I’m tired a lot. I’ve given up other things I used to do in my time off: volunteering, hobby's, reading, the little bit of social life. Sometimes I can’t sleep and I’ve been losing weight. My husband says he’s worried. I can’t focus on other things anymore.

(My job is not very autism friendly. It’s loud and chaotic and there are many social interactions.)

I think that maybe I can’t handle (this type of) work at the moment and maybe I need to ask to work fewer hours.
But I struggle to admit that I cannot.do.this.

So I guess what I’m asking is..
How do you know you got to the point where it was better to work less or stop working? Or where you just couldn’t do it anymore?

I’m privileged enough to be in the situation where this is an actual possibility (at least for now).

I want to be able to hold down a job and support myself.
I can hold down a job and support myself.
I just don’t know if I’m sacrificing my mental health while I’m at it.
How do I know?
For some reason it feels like I’m not a valid human being if I can’t make this work.

I hope this made sense.
It's kind of all over the place.

(I want to make clear that I don't think people need to work to be of value. Not at all. (Not a fan of capitalism.) I just can’t seem to apply this to myself.)

Thanks for reading.

It looks like you've answered your own question. It is taking over all your mental space and negatively affecting your mental heatlh and your physical health. You realize it's a poor fit for your autistic needs. This is not your failure, it is the environment's/society's.

 

[WolfSpirit]

Sounds like a good decision to give up such a job.

Reminds me of my father somewhat, who had to give up his job after his second heart attack. His one job as then reassigned to three people who all quit within a year's time. Sad that my father never realized just how taxing his job really was until it was far too late.

Sounds like what I've heard happened with mom's job after she retired. Everyone wanted it because of the hours, but no one was actually able to do it as well as she could. It's been a bit of a 'revolving door', from what she said she's heard. Was enlightening for her to hear it. Good for her mental health too.