How Do Kids With Asperger's Look At Parents?

[my_special_daughter]

Okay...so last night our whole family was outside and we were playing some games when my husband had asked my daughter (whose awaiting testing) to stay outside. she had gotten upset because she wanted every turn to ne her turn and stomped off. she kept walking and didn't listen. i told her to come sit down and after a few times i raised my voice and told her to move it. that started the water works. so i explained how she wasn't listening and that's why i had to raise my voice. I told her i loved her after and she refused to say it back. this has been happening recently. if i have to be strict with her she acts like I don't love her..won't hug me won't be around me. so what is going on inside of that brain of hers?

 

[Ereth]

I don't really think this is an autism-only issue. Children are often easily upset by harsh voices and gestures, though I wouldn't be surprised at all if autism makes this more likely to happen. I didn't find out about my ASD until adulthood, but I know I cried a lot as a kid (and still do, for what it's worth) when I got in trouble. I'm not a parent, so I don't know how much my advice is worth, but maybe you could try a different approach to reproach---maybe a more gentle "Please come and sit here. It's not your turn now. It's X's turn."

 

[Ylva]

Crying when feeling rejected = normal for children in general.
If you suspect she has sensory processing disorders, or even just sensory hypersensitivity, then in the first case you should give her some time to respond and in the second you should probably not shout at her – because it hurts. Physically.

And assuming she is somewhat logical about things, it is probably a bad idea to try and convince her you love her right after you have caused her pain. I don't know how old she is, and I don't remember what age kids usually start to think of "I didn't mean it" as relevant, but I would just say something like "I'm sorry I hurt you" and focus on how she feels. Much can be learned from understanding how she feels, probably more than can be learned from strangers on a forum.

 

[Peace]

The world as you know it may not make sense to her, and so your methods are unsuccessful. Kids want to please, and they want inclusion and acceptance. If she makes poor choices, you can help her to understand how they negatively affect others. Help her to make the connection between when her feelings are hurt, and when her choices hurt others.
I remember my parents form of discipline. It did not make sense to me, so I learned how to deal with it, but I did not learn from it and so I was always in trouble for reasons I did not understand.
I believe that your description of her not listening was her "Shutting Down". This is when one is overwhelmed and cannot think clearly. It may help if she has a "Safe Zone". A place where she can go if she needs time and space to recover in a healthy way. A certain room, a closet or a place in the yard. A place of her choosing where she will not be disturbed. Sometimes we need this, I still do.
There is a book called "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish. It has helped many.
Good luck my dear, parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.

 

[my_special_daughter]

Thank you peace for your supportive answer. seeing the negative ones made me feeling like i had done something horrible by raising my voice to my daughter. It happens...all parents do it and its not like i acreamed at her at the stop of my lungs. I just changed my voice to a more hard tone and she must have felt hurt. And i knew she did which is why I said "I'm sorry for getting upset but this is why i had to do what i had to do" i explained it to her and after a while and she was still upset I told her I loved her and i was sorry again. There's nothing more in this world i want to do than protect my children and keep them from being hurt in anyway. she seems to have gotten more senitive as she's grown and I have noticed that. I do be patient...i did ask her nicely two to three times. And aa for asking "strangers". i don't know where you are coming from. I talk to my daughter..i try to understand her but i do not have aspergers and i do understand. that is all I AM trying to do. If you don't like it I will leave. No biggie.

 

[epath13]

Okay...so last night our whole family was outside and we were playing some games when my husband had asked my daughter (whose awaiting testing) to stay outside. she had gotten upset because she wanted every turn to ne her turn and stomped off. she kept walking and didn't listen. i told her to come sit down and after a few times i raised my voice and told her to move it. that started the water works. so i explained how she wasn't listening and that's why i had to raise my voice. I told her i loved her after and she refused to say it back. this has been happening recently. if i have to be strict with her she acts like I don't love her..won't hug me won't be around me. so what is going on inside of that brain of hers?

Do you have other kids? And how old is she? Because whether she's on the spectrum or not It seems to me like somewhat typical behavior on a side note, kids on the spectrum need detailed explanations about all the "why" and "how", clear expectations need to be set sometimes. There's may be a few reasons why your daughter behaves this way but it seems to me the issue is in miscommunication. As for her not hugging you or not saying "I love you", she was probably upset, plus I think, it's up to our kids to decide whether to do those things or not, we can't really decide it for them.

 

[Ereth]

Thank you peace for your supportive answer. seeing the negative ones made me feeling like i had done something horrible by raising my voice to my daughter.

I'm sorry if my response sounded "negative." It certainly wasn't intended to be that way. I'm the product of an emotionally abusive marriage, so my advice was meant to alert you to the possibility of (unintentionally) harming your daughter.

 

[Ylva]

What Ereth said, except that my parents weren't abusive. They still hurt me, but they weren't abusive. Also, if your daughter has ASD, you will probably get a lot of directness from her, at least when she trusts that she won't get punished for it. It always baffles me when NTs come here and expect us to pretend to be neurotypical for them. Directness is kind of what we are famous for.

 

[Peace]

Thank you peace for your supportive answer. seeing the negative ones made me feeling like i had done something horrible by raising my voice to my daughter. It happens...all parents do it and its not like i acreamed at her at the stop of my lungs. I just changed my voice to a more hard tone and she must have felt hurt. And i knew she did which is why I said "I'm sorry for getting upset but this is why i had to do what i had to do" i explained it to her and after a while and she was still upset I told her I loved her and i was sorry again. There's nothing more in this world i want to do than protect my children and keep them from being hurt in anyway. she seems to have gotten more senitive as she's grown and I have noticed that. I do be patient...i did ask her nicely two to three times. And aa for asking "strangers". i don't know where you are coming from. I talk to my daughter..i try to understand her but i do not have aspergers and i do understand. that is all I AM trying to do. If you don't like it I will leave. No biggie.

I do not believe that I referenced strangers. I think you are an Awesome mom, and a wonderful person for seeking as much help and understanding as you have to help your daughter. You are making good decisions that will help your relationship with your daughter, and help your daughter to relate better to others.
I would have been lucky to have a mom as brave and understanding as you.

 

[Sass]

I'm a parent of an ASD kidlet, and an Aspie myself. I don't think anyone really understands how kids will react to things, or what is going on in their heads. Childhood is a whirl for most kids, everything felt at the extreme level, if I remember my own childhood rightly. Raising your voice isn't the end of the world, and you're right, we all do it sometimes. I'm certainly no angel, and sometimes I do lose my sh*t with my kids (not screaming or physically, just raised voice and loss of patience). That's not abusive, it's frustration, and as long as there's an apology and a discussion I'm not going to worry about it too much. Admitting when you're wrong as a parent is a wonderful thing, and teaches kids a sense of responsibility for their actions, even if indirectly. I personally don't focus on the times my parents raised their voices at me, they don't even register years later. At the time I'm sure it felt awful, but now it's just not something I even think about.

Equally though, you have a child who appears to feel things very keenly in the moment, and that moment lasts longer for her than it does for you. She's going to feel the way she feels for as long as she needs to, and all the apologies and 'I love you' in the world isn't going to change that. Also, she doesn't have to tell you she loves you if she's angry, that seems as though it's you wanting her to forgive you, which is your deal, not hers.

Sometimes you just need to give your kids, spectrum or not, room to experience their feelings rather than trying to fix it. She'll get back to a sense of balance when she's ready, in the meantime you just have to be there to weather the storm and be her soft place to fall.

 

[etbe]

How old is your daughter? Do you send her to school? Sometimes Aspie kids behave badly some time after stressful experiences. Many people have reported Aspie kids behaving badly in the hours or days after attending school and home-school has helped many Aspie kids.

 

[Ylva]

I don't think she's here anymore.

 

[Sass]

How old is your daughter? Do you send her to school? Sometimes Aspie kids behave badly some time after stressful experiences. Many people have reported Aspie kids behaving badly in the hours or days after attending school and home-school has helped many Aspie kids.

I agree with this! My son always has a terrible day on a Saturday, after all week trying to be good at school. Then he comes home and has a safe place to let off steam – his home, where he should be able to lose his sh*t without fear of judgement.

 

[my_special_daughter]

I'm here! sorry had some busy days.. my daughter is currently on break from school...summer break and she will go back in september. she actually loves school..i think its the structure because its not so structural here at home. but she does have a difficult time when she gets home. there's lot of whining of not wanting to do homework and not listening and tuning out.

Peace when i was talking about strangers i was referring to what someine else had posted. I'm sorry for the confusion

ereth...thank you for clearing stuff up and sorry for jumping to conclusions. I'm a mom of three...stressed and trying to cope and learn.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

As a child with AS, I think I had alot of trouble with believing that anyone knew better than me. I didnt think they were dumb and I was smart. I just thought, there is no way they see things the way that I see them, so there is no way they could calibrate their rules and advice to really fit me in any appropriate way.I will test rules and boundries to find out why they logically exist. "Because I say so" was never a logical or satisfying answer".

To this day I still deal with this. The paradox of not recognizing authority , while at the same time being obsessive stickler for the logical rules and fairness of it all.

Many may disagree, and maybe they are right. This is just my opinion,but i think it is good to be strict in a loving way. You just need to logically make her understand that you love her, and you care for her, and you take care of her, but you are in control, period, black & white. That is the dynamic, child and parent. When you react to her tantrum with a consoling " I love you and so so so sorry" The ONLY thing she is hearing is the apology in your voice, and she knows that the power is back in her court. Aspie or not children will challange your authority and power , to calibrate where they stand.

I think you have to think of being strict like this: i visualize a teeder- todder, with being strict on one side and being loving on the other. As long as the two are in balance, its good. You could also say that the good cop on one side, bad cop on other.


To be clear, I am not a parent, so what do i know?

Its interesting, I was diagnosed with AdHd as a kid, but the H was for Hypo. Attention Defecit Hypo active disorder. That isnt a very common diagnosis. It wasnt till later in life that I was led to an AS diagnosis. I wonder though, if I had been Diagnosed as a child, I think I would have been alot more self indulgent in my symptoms; instead of trying to fight them, and force myself to at least outwardly appear as just a quiet person that is Neurologically normal. Its not comfortable and it is stressful to force your self to suppress your symptoms. I dont recomend it. That said, I think being forced to do that, has led me to be a more stable, controled adult. My actions are more deliberate and focused.

Im sorry, I think im using AC as my therapist this morning. I do often think about my childhood, and how oddly everything in my life unfolded. It wasnt all bad, it wasnt all good. But definetly stranger than fiction could ever be.

 

[my_special_daughter]

This is my problem...I'm trying to learn where the line is when I'm disciplining. when do I be strict..and when do i leave things be. I know my daughter has to follow rules and i also have realuzed she has her own perception of things..and when she has shut down she doesn't care about this way or that. its her way. i think i get apologetic more lately than i usually sm because my daughter has seen my soft side. she has been asking me a lot "mom do you live me" i of course always say yes but she would say.."why did you get mad at me" I explain just because i get upset doesn't mean i don't love her and i think she knows that but i showed a lot of enotion once when she had asked that. now I'm used to it. like last night i was getting upset because she kept getting out of bed. she asked me and i said yes i do.. she asked me...why arnt you crying and i asked "why would i cry" her answer was "you did before" trying to find a balance is a challenge for me and I'm sure the moment i feel like its good something else will happen.

on a different note..has anybody else had trouble with sleeping. Mt daughter takes forever to get to sleep and no its not just a kid thing. she is always the last to bed and i have to keep constantly checking to make sure she's laying down and she is constantly up and moving. i don't know how to break this habit and i have tried lots if things.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I am sooo procrastinating today!!!
So, no that makes sense. Like that she would have that disconnect,

it has to do with what they call "theory of mind" Im sure you are familiar with. I remember being a little boy, and hearing a car start and then drive away. I thought my parents just left me, like, they got in a car and just left me forever. I was like crying and trying to process what is going to happen to me now. Of course that was not the case. One could argue that I was scared of abandonment, but no, that was not it. I just didnt understand these basic connections that other kids might not give a second thought too.


I dont know how to explain it, its just a laps in cognition.
This may sound silly, but some basic obvious things might have a huge disconnect for her. Its a neurological disconnect, some circuits aren't putting information together quite right. But I THINK, in my opinion, there is an easy fix for this. Explain to her yo love her, the way you would explain her ABCs. In a logical way. It sounds odd, but talk to her about emotions and feelings, the way in a very explanatory and dare I say educational way. No, She isnt dumb. But some of these obvious things just need to be clearly, concisely spelled out for us. Explain to her about relationships and the world around her in a matter of fact kind of logical way.


Aspie or not, I think all kids, and all people could benefit from things being explained to them more clearly, and logically. There is alot Neurologically normal people with "cognitive laps" out there too.


That is just my two cents, I think in hindsight , that would have helped me .

 

[GallacticGorilla]

I was thinking about your post in the back of my mind today I guess... Is it possible that she is actually REALLY smart, and a master manipulator? Does she know that the absolute quickest route from getting to point A to point B, and by that I mean, the easiest way to get you to be puddy in her hands is to play this, "do you love me" card ?

I could see myself doing that as a kid, if it expended the least amount of energy to get what I wanted or needed from someone. Not in a sociopathic or manipulative way so much as an analytical I know you and how to push your buttons kind of way.

One thing about me, and i would assume other aspies, there is an intellectual imbalance where we are very perceptive and aware of some things that are not so obvious to others, and at the same time we can be, total oblivious to some basic things that are very obvious to a neurologically typical person.

I have no idea if your daughter is on the spectrum. For some reason , I found your post to be interesting, and thought i might have some useful insight to share. Whatever happens, I hope you find a resolution. What kind of insurance do you have that you have to wait 4 months for a diagnosis? Have you tried looking for Mental health professionals in your area that specialize in ASD? If she is or isnt on the spectrum, I view it more as a personality type than a disability.
Its not as life altering as classical autism, but it will come with extra challenges and maybe some rewards too.

one last thing- If she is diagnosed with something, and you notice she has really intense interest, even obsessions,encourage them! 1 of the dozens of them, may one day turn into something really special for her.

I feel weird being childless and likely younger than you , and giving you advice. but there it is.

Best-GG

 

[my_special_daughter]

your kid is spoiled. you need to be stricter. my little brothers perfectly normal and when people are strict with him he pretends like he's really hurt and stuff but when he realizes things aren't gonna go his way he's fine.

My daughter is anything but spoiled. believe me. Sure i cut her a little bit more slack than i probably have before i was made aware of her differences from people but she does not get spoiled.she gets disciplined when it is neccessary...and i don't need you to tell me how my daughter is. good for your brother..everyone is different and my daughter is nothing like your brother. she gets upset for more than just a few minutes.

 

[my_special_daughter]

I was thinking about your post in the back of my mind today I guess... Is it possible that she is actually REALLY smart, and a master manipulator? Does she know that the absolute quickest route from getting to point A to point B, and by that I mean, the easiest way to get you to be puddy in her hands is to play this, "do you love me" card ?

I could see myself doing that as a kid, if it expended the least amount of energy to get what I wanted or needed from someone. Not in a sociopathic or manipulative way so much as an analytical I know you and how to push your buttons kind of way.

One thing about me, and i would assume other aspies, there is an intellectual imbalance where we are very perceptive and aware of some things that are not so obvious to others, and at the same time we can be, total oblivious to some basic things that are very obvious to a neurologically typical person.

I have no idea if your daughter is on the spectrum. For some reason , I found your post to be interesting, and thought i might have some useful insight to share. Whatever happens, I hope you find a resolution. What kind of insurance do you have that you have to wait 4 months for a diagnosis? Have you tried looking for Mental health professionals in your area that specialize in ASD? If she is or isnt on the spectrum, I view it more as a personality type than a disability.
Its not as life altering as classical autism, but it will come with extra challenges and maybe some rewards too.

one last thing- If she is diagnosed with something, and you notice she has really intense interest, even obsessions,encourage them! 1 of the dozens of them, may one day turn into something really special for her.

I feel weird being childless and likely younger than you , and giving you advice. but there it is.

Best-GG

my daughter is obbsessed with not just one thing. she LOVES to draw and her first grade teacher told me when she showed me her journal that she never seen anybody be as detailed in pictures to what they write like she does. lately she's been into writing these little mini 4 page books and drawing pictures with the words.

She also has an obbsession with collecting things. my daughter would be a hoarder if i didn't throe aeay half the things she picks up. we have rocks all over our house. she loves the different kinds and sizes and colors. she also loves collecting business and gift cards and phamplets. Its crazy.... I've tried to explain to her about feelings an emotions. She has a hard time understanding them. like once when she did that..do u love me thing to me my husband was just fooling around and asked her the same question. she responded direct saying "not really" he was upset but didn't say anything. he was just quiet and i tried telling her about getting feelings hurt in a very simple way and i asked "do you understand" and she's says "no". I didn't know what to say or do so I had to talk to my husband. Explain to him how he needs to just let it roll off his shoulder.

As for the waiting. Its not an insurance issue..Now. We did have to wait have to get approval and it took a while. its a waiting list. we don't live in a big city and only have one place around here doing the assessments.