GallacticGorilla
Well-Known Member
Well, she is lucky to have a mother like you... She sounds like a special girl, and I'm sure you are doing everything you can to help her grow to be a great person.
Last edited:
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How Do Kids With Asperger's Look At Parents?
- Thread starter my_special_daughter
- Start date
2aspirin
Well-Known Member
I may post some more thoughts and comments on the childhood aspie view of world and parents, but I will start by saying that we as (aspie) kids:
1. Have feelings but they are ours and we respect that others have them too. Ours are our own and yours are your own. We don't assume (and do not experience that) we can share feelings and sync up in that way because we we are lacking a sense (like the deaf cannot hear) that processes non-verbal signals. This syncing up sense is partly seated in the basal ganglia of the brain. Normal people take in all signals from the environment and then have a suppression of a sync-up response to all but the human social expressions, movements, etc. But in us, that suppression is not there and we have a social-like automatic response to inanimate objects and environmental stimuli. A NT (neurotypical or "normal") kid has a automatic, involuntary adjustment of movement, expression etc to mom and dad's expressions at an early stage. And then to other people too. And any potential syncing up to other things is suppressed. Not so for us.
2. We are in sensory overload. At all times. Our Social/Emotional Syncer Upper brain device (as described above) is tuned into a 100 other channels instead of the two or three human oriented ones. See what I wrote above about the basal ganglia? I had a worsening of my own sensory issues in adulthood. It is very unusual to have happen but now all the things that gave me problems, like strobe lights, ceiling fans, noise, certain music tones, actually cause very specific patterns of dystonia with partial seizure-type features. Maybe I will post a video demo I made for friends some time. I get through life with dark sunglasses and a set of personal rules.
3. Speaking of rules: your kid loves you and is trying hard to build a rule book to get through life and relate to people and to be effective in the world. She wants to know what may make you cry and when. She is interested in you! She wants a set of rules and tricks to be able to approach intellectually what she may not get via the sense she is missing. It is like a kid who is deaf trying to learn to read lips and come up with rules for what mouth shapes go with what apparent meaning is being related, without having reference to the actual words. This is where you can help. Be a translator. Talk about little rules that can help her predict things. If she likes to draw, she probably has a strong visual memory and will eventually create a database of facial expressions and contexts/meanings such as by watching movies. Work with her visual memory in other ways of relating too. I am a very high functioning asd adult who works in venture capital. My visual memory and ability to do some math modeling in my head has served me well.
4. We are very very literal. We want information. We want facts. We often feel others are speaking in very vague weird riddles and seem to say things for no reason at all. We can feel exhausted by feeling like life is a series of weird tests and riddles, like a reality TV show game with challenges along the way. Only now, looking back, can I recognize that as a kid, other "normal" kids saw cars, math, drawing and music as riddles (unknowns that are mysterious and to be learned slowly). We aspies often see those things with clarity, the patterns jumping out so obviously, the path to acquiring command of them often so clear...and yet the people and communications all around us see like a deliberately vague weirdness with all kinds of rules that everyone seemed born knowing. Maybe in a game they were all born playing. As kids, feelings are invisible and belong to individuals. The idea that one person can hurt another's feelings is a total abstraction and requires reaching the cognitive development stage of abstract thinking, for us.
5. We get anxious.
6. We love objects. Every object is a connection to all kinds of information. Information and objects are very comforting in this way. They are to us what chit-chat and hugs for no reason are to others: they ground us. This does not mean we don't have feelings and don't love people very much.
7. Information is very neutral to us. We have to learn that NTs see information as non-neutral and very emotional. It was bizarre to me, as a kid, that if I told a neighbor her dig has fleas and lawn has a certain fungal disease, that she felt judged. I was just into biology and fixing problems. Every interaction feels like the proverbial land mine may go off on us. We take out the virtual rule book over and over, study it. Exhausting.
8. We don't know what you are thinking but respect that you are a separate individual and we know you must be thinking but unless you tell us in very concrete terms, we won't guess. At all.
9. We develop in bursts. Don't worry about plateaus. If there was a benefit of my middle child being born to a ASD mom (me) it is that I was not very concerned when he didn't really talk at all before age 4 and spent all day tying objects to doorknobs. He never read anything but comic books through his years growing up. His entire interests are in comics and graphic artists rights of free expression. He went from special ed to graduating from accommodations. He took the SAT with no accommodations and this kid who read no books got a perfect 800 on the Reading section on his first try. So roll with it, as they say. Don't try too hard. I don't know if my daughter is on the spectrum but maybe...and she scores perfectly on math stuff and wants to be in engineering. She took up ballet for the first time (first time in any dance class) at almost 13 -- and 2.5 years later is going into a dance company and is on pointe. These kids find their own special areas. Just accept all the rest. Do not be offended that a child missing this sense does not know to say "I love you" when you say it any more than a child who is deaf does not talk back. The truth does not have attrition to us. If she knows you love each other, there is no need to keep saying this truth. It does not make it more true, if you get me. That is how we think.
10. We love routines. NTs have routines that I am not sure they recognize to be routines...like talking in a certain way with certain people. Maybe these seem like normal life. They look like rituals to us. The chit-chat with the teacher or mailman...with no info being exchanged? Maybe there is a human need for emotional ritual via the syncer upper device. It has to reinforce, install app updates, reboot... To make a computer analogy. And we need that too. But remember, our syncer is wired to turn its attention to other things, so our ritualistic outlets for this may be repeating an experience over and over. It helps us stay grounded. It is a strong craving.
11. Some of us have hyperlexia and hypergraphia. Heh heh.
I hope this has helped in some way. I wish I could translate it better to a non-aspie orientation. That is why I might come back with more thoughts!
1. Have feelings but they are ours and we respect that others have them too. Ours are our own and yours are your own. We don't assume (and do not experience that) we can share feelings and sync up in that way because we we are lacking a sense (like the deaf cannot hear) that processes non-verbal signals. This syncing up sense is partly seated in the basal ganglia of the brain. Normal people take in all signals from the environment and then have a suppression of a sync-up response to all but the human social expressions, movements, etc. But in us, that suppression is not there and we have a social-like automatic response to inanimate objects and environmental stimuli. A NT (neurotypical or "normal") kid has a automatic, involuntary adjustment of movement, expression etc to mom and dad's expressions at an early stage. And then to other people too. And any potential syncing up to other things is suppressed. Not so for us.
2. We are in sensory overload. At all times. Our Social/Emotional Syncer Upper brain device (as described above) is tuned into a 100 other channels instead of the two or three human oriented ones. See what I wrote above about the basal ganglia? I had a worsening of my own sensory issues in adulthood. It is very unusual to have happen but now all the things that gave me problems, like strobe lights, ceiling fans, noise, certain music tones, actually cause very specific patterns of dystonia with partial seizure-type features. Maybe I will post a video demo I made for friends some time. I get through life with dark sunglasses and a set of personal rules.
3. Speaking of rules: your kid loves you and is trying hard to build a rule book to get through life and relate to people and to be effective in the world. She wants to know what may make you cry and when. She is interested in you! She wants a set of rules and tricks to be able to approach intellectually what she may not get via the sense she is missing. It is like a kid who is deaf trying to learn to read lips and come up with rules for what mouth shapes go with what apparent meaning is being related, without having reference to the actual words. This is where you can help. Be a translator. Talk about little rules that can help her predict things. If she likes to draw, she probably has a strong visual memory and will eventually create a database of facial expressions and contexts/meanings such as by watching movies. Work with her visual memory in other ways of relating too. I am a very high functioning asd adult who works in venture capital. My visual memory and ability to do some math modeling in my head has served me well.
4. We are very very literal. We want information. We want facts. We often feel others are speaking in very vague weird riddles and seem to say things for no reason at all. We can feel exhausted by feeling like life is a series of weird tests and riddles, like a reality TV show game with challenges along the way. Only now, looking back, can I recognize that as a kid, other "normal" kids saw cars, math, drawing and music as riddles (unknowns that are mysterious and to be learned slowly). We aspies often see those things with clarity, the patterns jumping out so obviously, the path to acquiring command of them often so clear...and yet the people and communications all around us see like a deliberately vague weirdness with all kinds of rules that everyone seemed born knowing. Maybe in a game they were all born playing. As kids, feelings are invisible and belong to individuals. The idea that one person can hurt another's feelings is a total abstraction and requires reaching the cognitive development stage of abstract thinking, for us.
5. We get anxious.
6. We love objects. Every object is a connection to all kinds of information. Information and objects are very comforting in this way. They are to us what chit-chat and hugs for no reason are to others: they ground us. This does not mean we don't have feelings and don't love people very much.
7. Information is very neutral to us. We have to learn that NTs see information as non-neutral and very emotional. It was bizarre to me, as a kid, that if I told a neighbor her dig has fleas and lawn has a certain fungal disease, that she felt judged. I was just into biology and fixing problems. Every interaction feels like the proverbial land mine may go off on us. We take out the virtual rule book over and over, study it. Exhausting.
8. We don't know what you are thinking but respect that you are a separate individual and we know you must be thinking but unless you tell us in very concrete terms, we won't guess. At all.
9. We develop in bursts. Don't worry about plateaus. If there was a benefit of my middle child being born to a ASD mom (me) it is that I was not very concerned when he didn't really talk at all before age 4 and spent all day tying objects to doorknobs. He never read anything but comic books through his years growing up. His entire interests are in comics and graphic artists rights of free expression. He went from special ed to graduating from accommodations. He took the SAT with no accommodations and this kid who read no books got a perfect 800 on the Reading section on his first try. So roll with it, as they say. Don't try too hard. I don't know if my daughter is on the spectrum but maybe...and she scores perfectly on math stuff and wants to be in engineering. She took up ballet for the first time (first time in any dance class) at almost 13 -- and 2.5 years later is going into a dance company and is on pointe. These kids find their own special areas. Just accept all the rest. Do not be offended that a child missing this sense does not know to say "I love you" when you say it any more than a child who is deaf does not talk back. The truth does not have attrition to us. If she knows you love each other, there is no need to keep saying this truth. It does not make it more true, if you get me. That is how we think.
10. We love routines. NTs have routines that I am not sure they recognize to be routines...like talking in a certain way with certain people. Maybe these seem like normal life. They look like rituals to us. The chit-chat with the teacher or mailman...with no info being exchanged? Maybe there is a human need for emotional ritual via the syncer upper device. It has to reinforce, install app updates, reboot... To make a computer analogy. And we need that too. But remember, our syncer is wired to turn its attention to other things, so our ritualistic outlets for this may be repeating an experience over and over. It helps us stay grounded. It is a strong craving.
11. Some of us have hyperlexia and hypergraphia. Heh heh.
I hope this has helped in some way. I wish I could translate it better to a non-aspie orientation. That is why I might come back with more thoughts!
icesyckel
Well-Known Member
Actually, I think you were right about this much: almost all kids act out like that at some point, withholding affection to punish parents who are only trying to teach them valuable life skills. That isn't a NT vs. AS/ASD issue. My parents didn't know I has AS. They just knew that I was acting "selfish." They did what you advised: they reasoned with me. If I responded to reason, then that was good enough. When reasoning failed, only then did they punish with discipline. I was conditioned to use words and reasoning rather than screams and emotional outbursts, and my 'rents were EXTREMELY consistent about that. Even though they didn't understand what made me different, they recognized problematic behaviors and communication problems and taught me the lessons I needed to function in society. I intend to do the same when my wife and I have kids.
icesyckel
Well-Known Member
I am no child development/behavior specialist. However, when you cannot resolve the problem by reasoning with the child, then I suspect there is no alternative to some form of discipline. "Picking your battles" to me is listening to the child's well-reasoned points and responding accordingly. If the child makes a reasonable position/argument, and it persuades you/changes your mind, then make it clear you are persuaded and not simply "giving in." This encourages the child to continue reasoning with you rather than throwing tantrums, which should be consistently punished. If you aren't persuaded by the child's reasoning, then communicate that and a reason. Allow the child one more chance to desist before proceeding to punishment. Be consistent in this routine so there is never any surprise.
Also, don't expect the child to "intuit" social norms/mores. You have to teach things sometimes that would seem obvious to other children. Proceeding straight to punishment is unfair if the child doesn't know better. When it is something you've covered before, don't re-hash old territory unnecessarily. Reasoning and arguing are not the same. For one, there is no shouting in the former as with the latter. Again, I am no expert and some kids probably have limits on their ability to reason. That said, I believe consistency is always a good thing.
To this day, I have trouble going to bed on time, and I am 33. I have read this is pretty common for those on the spectrum.
One thing I noticed is that you said that you told her this and you told her that. Did you ever try asking her questions to find out why she was acting the way she was? Just curious.
Had that been me as a kid, my mind was probably a million miles away focusing on something important to me and I didn't hear you until you yelled at me, and then the crying would have been because my feelings were hurt from the harsh language. Then I would have not understood how it could possibly be necessary to talk to me that way when raising your voice alone would have been sufficient. And then I probably wouldn't have said that I loved you back, either, because at that moment, I wouldn't be feeling that way. I hope you didn't try to force her to say it... because well, maybe this is just an aspie thing, but I really don't think those words should be said unless the person is actually FEELING it at the time. Otherwise it's just empty words even if you do get them to say it.
Something I do with my son when he's not listening is I start counting. He may not hear his name, but the counting catches his attention without me having to say anything harsh enough to start waterworks (MOST of the time, sometimes he still breaks out crying over the countdown if he doesn't want to pull away from what he's doing, but that's his stubborn nature talking there, not actually hurt feelings).
I also communicate a LOT with him. I don't just tell him things and talk at him, I talk WITH him. I ask him why he did this, why he did that, and if he has trouble verbalizing it, we work through it until we figure it out. Then I walk him through thinking out his behavior, the consequences, the implications, etc and help him figure out a different behavior to replace it with. We make a deal, discuss the consequences for next time, and then it's all up to him on which way he's going to go, and I can be confident he understands why he did it, why it was inappropriate, what he can do instead, and what will happen in either case in the future.
I also explain myself and my behavior to him. And I don't use "I love you" in place of "I'm sorry". Stuff like that really confuses aspie kids. They don't realize saying "I love you" back is actually like saying "I forgive you". Or they may realize that and not want to forgive at that very moment. Or they may really not be feeling the love at the moment. THAT'S OK. Eventually things will smooth out again and you'll be right back to the displays of affection and everything will be long forgotten.
Had that been me as a kid, my mind was probably a million miles away focusing on something important to me and I didn't hear you until you yelled at me, and then the crying would have been because my feelings were hurt from the harsh language. Then I would have not understood how it could possibly be necessary to talk to me that way when raising your voice alone would have been sufficient. And then I probably wouldn't have said that I loved you back, either, because at that moment, I wouldn't be feeling that way. I hope you didn't try to force her to say it... because well, maybe this is just an aspie thing, but I really don't think those words should be said unless the person is actually FEELING it at the time. Otherwise it's just empty words even if you do get them to say it.
Something I do with my son when he's not listening is I start counting. He may not hear his name, but the counting catches his attention without me having to say anything harsh enough to start waterworks (MOST of the time, sometimes he still breaks out crying over the countdown if he doesn't want to pull away from what he's doing, but that's his stubborn nature talking there, not actually hurt feelings).
I also communicate a LOT with him. I don't just tell him things and talk at him, I talk WITH him. I ask him why he did this, why he did that, and if he has trouble verbalizing it, we work through it until we figure it out. Then I walk him through thinking out his behavior, the consequences, the implications, etc and help him figure out a different behavior to replace it with. We make a deal, discuss the consequences for next time, and then it's all up to him on which way he's going to go, and I can be confident he understands why he did it, why it was inappropriate, what he can do instead, and what will happen in either case in the future.
I also explain myself and my behavior to him. And I don't use "I love you" in place of "I'm sorry". Stuff like that really confuses aspie kids. They don't realize saying "I love you" back is actually like saying "I forgive you". Or they may realize that and not want to forgive at that very moment. Or they may really not be feeling the love at the moment. THAT'S OK. Eventually things will smooth out again and you'll be right back to the displays of affection and everything will be long forgotten.
Kari Suttle
Well-Known Member
Is your daughter diagnosed with anything? It sounds like from what i've read she might have it. Irregardless of if she does or not, and if you're sure she isn't manipulating you with the "do you love me" card...aspergers or not, could she be overly sensitive on some level? Like, i'm 23 and my mom thinks i'm an aspie. I do too. Growing up i always hated confrontation of any sort and to this day easily mistake anger and a lack of approval for a lack of love because in the moment that's what it feels like to me. Oh and another answer to your original post, i've always been a poor sleeper. I stopped taking naps before i was even a year old, i was that bad, and they were poor naps to begin with.
my_special_daughter
Kristy
My daughter is awaiting testing. her dates were set for january but have now been pushed back another few weeks due to overscheduling...yes i feel she is a very sensitive person.
To others....when i said i love you to my daughter i did it to show her my love whether or not she responded. Yes..i explained to her what she was doing wrong..yes i try to ask her questions. she usually shuts right down on me and doesnt want to talk about it. it wasn't ab immediate i love you. i told her why i raised my voice..i told her i was sorry for making her upset..i sat with her for a little while and i told her I loved her. I wasn't saying it to replace an apology i was saying to let her know how i felt about her. I knew the question of "do you love me" was going to come up sooner or later...i was just showing her..tell her I do love her.
icesyckel
Well-Known Member
You sound like an amazing mom. There is a tendency, I have noticed, to blame parents when children, especially those on the spectrum, misbehave. I really do think you are wise to be so intentional and thoughtful as to how you approach teaching and disciplining your daughter because you will see what works and what doesn't in the fullness of time. Don't let people bully you into blaming yourself when your child misbehaves. Being on the spectrum is not an excuse so much as an explanation for undesired behaviors. The difference is that an "excuse" implies the child's behavior is excusable and will simply continue no matter what you do whereas an "explanation" gives you insight into how to correct the problematic behaviors.
Now, I am not a proponent of trying to "normalize" or brainwash a child, but teaching social etiquette is necessary. Violent behavior, for example, should never be tolerated. Trying to teach a child not to be autistic, however, is both dumb and wrong. The line between the two is sometimes blurry, though, and I can only imagine how difficult the task before you must seem.
I LOVED my family (well, except for one mean sister). Out of all (mother, father, 2 brothers and 2 sisters), I respected my mother most of all, and here's the "but" -- I always, always, always felt that she disapproved of the essential me. I know she didn't mean for this feeling to come across, but we Aspies just know things about life and relationships that others don't understand. Each reprimand I ever received from her hurt me deeply, and I remember a great many of them. All I can suggest is that you overbalance your negative responses to her behavior with praise, praise, warm smiles and more praise. We need it more than NTs because, you see, we know there's something "wrong" with us.
my_special_daughter
Kristy
One thing i always do is constantly praise not only her but all my children for every achievement they come across..i tell them multiple times a day i love them and hang onto them just to make sure they know how much i love them..probably because i never received that as a child..and still not even as an adult. I notice she tends to be wanting me..more than her dad she's and even shown us threw her drawing how she feels about each and every one of us using weather...it was interesting to see it. of course she didn't tell me she made it but i was going threw one of her many filled notebooks and found it. i hope I never mmake my daughter feel like i disapprove but there's a line i have to be at with disciplining i realize with the help of people here..and when i do i will make sure to explain to her why.
It's true that loud sounds (including a raised voice) can be physically painful or otherwise stressful. If she's sensory defensive, that means she'll have problems with sound you normally wouldn't expect to be a problem. (And I think everyone is more sensitive as a child than they are as an adult regardless.) But accidents happen; it's just something to keep in mind for the future.
One thing that might help (partially just to clarify your own ideas within your own mind, but I think it'd be especially important if your child has that aspie tendency to take things literally) is to avoid those parent euphemisms, e.g. don't say "listen" when you mean "obey," don't say "discipline" or "consequence" when you mean "punishment," etc. (To this day, I still don't know what parents tend to mean when they say "stranger"! Except it's not what's in the dictionary!)
One thing that might help (partially just to clarify your own ideas within your own mind, but I think it'd be especially important if your child has that aspie tendency to take things literally) is to avoid those parent euphemisms, e.g. don't say "listen" when you mean "obey," don't say "discipline" or "consequence" when you mean "punishment," etc. (To this day, I still don't know what parents tend to mean when they say "stranger"! Except it's not what's in the dictionary!)
Pretty sure it means someone they themselves would not trust. You'll have to guess at who that is.
Effy
self-advocating autistic
This is long, and it's my personal opinion on the matter:
On the saying she loves you thing: Don't force it. For me, love was forced. I was forced to say it, to be affectionate, etc. The way it made me feel was very confused; I felt like I had to feel it, even though I didn't know what it meant. So many people base verbal communication on determining feelings, but there are more ways to communicate, show affection, etc., provided you're open to it. Aspies experience feelings and love differently, so just... don't force it. When it's forced, even with a parent, it's not a good outcome. It's not wrong to not tell you she loves you. It may hurt, but it's not "wrong". Feelings, emotions... Feelings are not facts, therefore they cannot be "wrong". Honestly, it REALLY just adds to confusion later on in life, possibly like when she tells someone she loves them and they don't say it back. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just dislike it greatly when someone tells someone they're wrong by not expressing themselves.
My stepfather and my mother always punished me for never saying it back, for never showing that I felt it. I didn't understand how, especially when I didn't automatically love people. I don't automatically love people. I connect with people on an intellectual level, and I need that intellectual connection with someone in order to love them, otherwise it's not going to exist - I'm not going to love them. I had to learn what love was for me personally before I could genuinely say it, and when I realized what it is for me, I learned I'd lied to all the people I told I loved them. It was a weird feeling, and that felt wrong.
If she's an aspie, forcing love isn't the way to go. I found an article on forcing affection and love onto aspie children last year, but I can't find it anymore.
It went on to further explain the confusion and the outcome better than I can explain it myself.
On the feelings and feelings getting hurt, there's actually an article on why people with Asperger's Syndrome lack empathy. Understanding someone else's feelings are "hurt" - these nearly virtual things have feelings as well - is very complicated. "You've hurt my feelings." I hurt an inanimate, mental object?
On collecting things: AHH GF\SLJGHDKJF DON'T THROW THEM OUT D; Instead, make or find a box/place she can put them in, and keep them there. Yeah, it's a lot. Me? I collected marbles, magazines, gel pens, crystals, and comics. I couldn't go without them. Eventually, my mom was told to give me containers to put these things in, and she did. They went into their containers, and sometimes I just sat with them and looked at them. They're very comforting. I still collect things today, but they're not the same things. It's like rocking from side to side: it's just relaxing, and it's ghjljdfkl. There are no words for it.
On the saying she loves you thing: Don't force it. For me, love was forced. I was forced to say it, to be affectionate, etc. The way it made me feel was very confused; I felt like I had to feel it, even though I didn't know what it meant. So many people base verbal communication on determining feelings, but there are more ways to communicate, show affection, etc., provided you're open to it. Aspies experience feelings and love differently, so just... don't force it. When it's forced, even with a parent, it's not a good outcome. It's not wrong to not tell you she loves you. It may hurt, but it's not "wrong". Feelings, emotions... Feelings are not facts, therefore they cannot be "wrong". Honestly, it REALLY just adds to confusion later on in life, possibly like when she tells someone she loves them and they don't say it back. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just dislike it greatly when someone tells someone they're wrong by not expressing themselves.
My stepfather and my mother always punished me for never saying it back, for never showing that I felt it. I didn't understand how, especially when I didn't automatically love people. I don't automatically love people. I connect with people on an intellectual level, and I need that intellectual connection with someone in order to love them, otherwise it's not going to exist - I'm not going to love them. I had to learn what love was for me personally before I could genuinely say it, and when I realized what it is for me, I learned I'd lied to all the people I told I loved them. It was a weird feeling, and that felt wrong.
If she's an aspie, forcing love isn't the way to go. I found an article on forcing affection and love onto aspie children last year, but I can't find it anymore.
It went on to further explain the confusion and the outcome better than I can explain it myself.On the feelings and feelings getting hurt, there's actually an article on why people with Asperger's Syndrome lack empathy. Understanding someone else's feelings are "hurt" - these nearly virtual things have feelings as well - is very complicated. "You've hurt my feelings." I hurt an inanimate, mental object?
On collecting things: AHH GF\SLJGHDKJF DON'T THROW THEM OUT D; Instead, make or find a box/place she can put them in, and keep them there. Yeah, it's a lot. Me? I collected marbles, magazines, gel pens, crystals, and comics. I couldn't go without them. Eventually, my mom was told to give me containers to put these things in, and she did. They went into their containers, and sometimes I just sat with them and looked at them. They're very comforting. I still collect things today, but they're not the same things. It's like rocking from side to side: it's just relaxing, and it's ghjljdfkl. There are no words for it.
my_special_daughter
Kristy
This is long, and it's my personal opinion on the matter:
On the saying she loves you thing: Don't force it. For me, love was forced. I was forced to say it, to be affectionate, etc. The way it made me feel was very confused; I felt like I had to feel it, even though I didn't know what it meant. So many people base verbal communication on determining feelings, but there are more ways to communicate, show affection, etc., provided you're open to it. Aspies experience feelings and love differently, so just... don't force it. When it's forced, even with a parent, it's not a good outcome. It's not wrong to not tell you she loves you. It may hurt, but it's not "wrong". Feelings, emotions... Feelings are not facts, therefore they cannot be "wrong". Honestly, it REALLY just adds to confusion later on in life, possibly like when she tells someone she loves them and they don't say it back. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I just dislike it greatly when someone tells someone they're wrong by not expressing themselves.
My stepfather and my mother always punished me for never saying it back, for never showing that I felt it. I didn't understand how, especially when I didn't automatically love people. I don't automatically love people. I connect with people on an intellectual level, and I need that intellectual connection with someone in order to love them, otherwise it's not going to exist - I'm not going to love them. I had to learn what love was for me personally before I could genuinely say it, and when I realized what it is for me, I learned I'd lied to all the people I told I loved them. It was a weird feeling, and that felt wrong.
If she's an aspie, forcing love isn't the way to go. I found an article on forcing affection and love onto aspie children last year, but I can't find it anymore.
On the feelings and feelings getting hurt, there's actually an article on why people with Asperger's Syndrome lack empathy. Understanding someone else's feelings are "hurt" - these nearly virtual things have feelings as well - is very complicated. "You've hurt my feelings." I hurt an inanimate, mental object?
On collecting things: AHH GF\SLJGHDKJF DON'T THROW THEM OUT D; Instead, make or find a box/place she can put them in, and keep them there. Yeah, it's a lot. Me? I collected marbles, magazines, gel pens, crystals, and comics. I couldn't go without them. Eventually, my mom was told to give me containers to put these things in, and she did. They went into their containers, and sometimes I just sat with them and looked at them. They're very comforting. I still collect things today, but they're not the same things. It's like rocking from side to side: it's just relaxing, and it's ghjljdfkl. There are no words for it.
I didn't think you were being rude at all. I think it was very informative what you said and just puts me at learning one more thing. my daughter doesn't just collect some things. She collects EVERYTHING..some things do ebd up getting thrown out but its mostly like..business phamplets or business cards that are left in my car or sit on her pile of mounted drawings on her desk that..once again..needs organizing..lol. I'm going to have to buy a container for her rocks. cause when i say they are everywhere i mean everywhere. There are some in top if the fridge in a ziploc bag..that's when her collection first started around 4..she's now 8... and we have them on stands and our built in shelves in our dining room...yes on her deak and in her room...when she was in pre school at four her collection had grown and she was able to bring in something for show in tell and she brought rocks...we picked out a few neat pieces and she was happy. though i remember the process of trying to choose was long. I can remember her asking.."can we bring them all" just remembering back makes me laugh because just think of a four year old wanting to haul twenty rocks into class. Thanks for all your information.
Randomperson
The abyss of my mind.
I can not tell you what is inside your daughters head, but I can tell you how my own mind worked as a child since I still clearly remember every incident my parents visited upon me. If I said something wrong they would yell, and not acceptable or nice things, If I replied in kind I would be slapped across the face hard enough to cause bleeding of my nose or lips. Doing something "wrong" would generally not call for yelling but go straight punitive physical blow, spanking for minor offenses that would leave me unable to walk without a limp for a couple days, to getting a "whooping" as it was called, that could leave me not wanting to move for a week.
I do not really know what I did to bring most of this on even now, I would ask what I had done wrong (in hopes of avoiding future incidents) but that only generally made it worse, I was supposed to "know what I had done wrong". I can only infer that your daughter may share some level of not understanding why you are upset, and raising your voice will not help if she has high functioning autism. Honestly raising your voice probably would not help if she did not, nobody likes to be shouted at after all.
My parents want me to forget everything they did to me, "so we can have a good relationship now". Well, I can't forget, and even if I could, why would I want to become ignorant of what they are capable of — who they really are. Wouldn't you want to still know that?
Randomperson
The abyss of my mind.
Exactly, to forget how you were raised would make it far to easy to make the mistake of having children and raising them the same way. Once forgotten, history will always repeat itself. This pattern is so concrete the Mayan civilization based a calender on it that spanned thousands of years and accurately predicted the pattern of repeating history.
my_special_daughter
Kristy
I did not shout. But I'm starting to wonder of aspies don't know the difference. I'm sorry you had abusive parents growing up. i wouldn't dream of ever doing the things you described to my daughter.
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